Blended Families

Parental rights

so, the father of my child and i are not together, but we are sharing custody of the child. we have not gone through the courts or DSHS or anything. we just came to terms and agreements about visitation and child support on our own. he agreed to it at first. but now our baby is 9 weeks old, and all the sudden he wants his name on the Birth Certificate. i said no, *he was violent and verbally/mentally abusive in the past* and i dont want him to have legal ties to my daughter in case something in the future changes and i feel that he should not be allowed in her life. This sounds harsh, but he is SEVERELY bipolar and can become violent when he doesn't get his way.

should i let him take it to court for custody (if i do i know the state will not allow him visitation because of the restraining order we had prior to the parenting plan agreement.) or should i continue to talk him out of it so that he can see his baby according to our plan?

Re: Parental rights

  • RO will have no bearing on visitation. Way back when, I had a RO on DS's bio-dad when we went to court and visitation was still granted.

    Also, if this goes through court a paternity test will likely be ordered and if shown he is the father the court will most likely order that his name be added to the BC. That is standard practice here. There is no stopping that once it is ordered.

    Just because something happened in the past does mean it is going to happen again. I think a CO is the best way to go to protect everyone's interest. You cannot block his legal rights just because you do not think he should be in her life, that is for a court to decide. I would think you would want your child to have legal rights to anything of the father's in the event he dies (SS benefits come to mind). 

    ~Amy
  • You should absolutely go through the courts. That's the only way that everyone's rights are protected.

     

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  • image ballmom:

    RO will have no bearing on visitation. Way back when, I had a RO on DS's bio-dad when we went to court and visitation was still granted.

    This.  I had a friend that had a RO against her ex.  He still go visitation.  Didn't pay a dime in child support and continued to harass her.  Tragically, no happy ending.

  • 9 weeks in and your having these kinds of problems? Wow. You need a lawyer. A court order. And in my experience, you need to beat him to the punch.
    TTC #4(#1 for DH and I)Since 8/2010
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  • He is her father. You do not get to choose whether he has legal rights to her. She is just as much his child as she is yours. I understand that carrying her makes you feel more entitled, but that isn't the way it works. If he wants her name on the birth certificate, whether you agree to it or not, he has the option to petition the court for it on his own. 

    I absolutely think you should go through the courts. If he is abusive, work with your lawyer to determine the best course of action as far as custody goes. Having no court order means neither of you have primary custody. That means, if he wants to keep your daughter and not return her, there isn't anything you can do without going to court. Go to court now and protect everyone's interest. Don't wait for a problem to occur. 

  • You can't enforce him paying you cs without his name on the bc. And that's just the beginning of your problems. Put him on there, and LEGALLY agree to cs and visitation. You will only actually go to court if the two of you can't agree. But he will get some sort of visitation. At the very least he would get supervised.
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  • I agree with these ladies except for one thing: the bio is still responsible to pay cs whether his name is on the birth certificate or not. If you are not married and file for cs, Social Services will ask him to take a paternity test, especially if he denies paternity.  But please, please, please, go down to the courthouse and file for full, legal custody of your LO. You will need the bc and SSN. Have a lawyer in your back pocket that you can call on in case things get "really" ugly. It sucks, believe me I know - my child's father won't even speak to me or see his child. But the sad truth is the father does have rights too.
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  • image jcmom32010:
    I agree with these ladies except for one thing: the bio is still responsible to pay cs whether his name is on the birth certificate or not. If you are not married and file for cs, Social Services will ask him to take a paternity test, especially if he denies paternity.  But please, please, please, go down to the courthouse and file for full, legal custody of your LO. You will need the bc and SSN. Have a lawyer in your back pocket that you can call on in case things get "really" ugly. It sucks, believe me I know - my child's father won't even speak to me or see his child. But the sad truth is the father does have rights too.

    It's not that he's not responsible for it, it's just that it can't be enforced. Like you said, if she files, they will have to establish paternity first.

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  • image hterry85:

    image jcmom32010:
    I agree with these ladies except for one thing: the bio is still responsible to pay cs whether his name is on the birth certificate or not. If you are not married and file for cs, Social Services will ask him to take a paternity test, especially if he denies paternity.  But please, please, please, go down to the courthouse and file for full, legal custody of your LO. You will need the bc and SSN. Have a lawyer in your back pocket that you can call on in case things get "really" ugly. It sucks, believe me I know - my child's father won't even speak to me or see his child. But the sad truth is the father does have rights too.

    It's not that he's not responsible for it, it's just that it can't be enforced. Like you said, if she files, they will have to establish paternity first.

     

    It most certainly can be enforced if he isn't on the bc.  My DH isn't on SD's bc.  A paternity test was done to establish parentage and he has paid CP for 8+ years now per the CO, but that does not automatically add the father to the bc.  That is a whole separate process (we just went through it in October).

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  • image fellesferie:

    You should absolutely go through the courts. That's the only way that everyone's rights are protected.

     

     

    This.  You might not like or trust him but if he IS the father he has a right to be in his child's life.   

    accordingtoabby.com" "From of suffering emerges the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
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