2nd Trimester

My MIL thinks she is the one having my baby.

I love my MIL, but ever since we told her I was expecting she has tried to control everything. At first she wanted full right to the babies name and wouldn't agree with any of [even insulted] my choices. My DH and I were kind enough to compromise and let her pick a list middle names for us to choose from. While at the same time my family does not know that we're letting anyone give any say towards the names and they are not aloud to suggest or pick names for us. We don't know the gender so we had to choose a boy name and a girl name. Once we had the first names she was back at the efferts to change the name. We had to change the first girl name we picked (Avari pronounced uh-V-ar-ee) because she persuaded DH that it was too close to his cousin's son's name (Avery). I do understand the names are close, but is the family relation close enough to have to change the name? But we got along fine and decided on Aolani instead. As soon as the girl name drama was over MIL had to nitpick at the boy name. Jaxith is the proper spelling of the name, but she thinks it would be better with an "e" at the end. I am just going to ignor her request because it is my child and though I'm not really found of Elijah, I agreed to it as the middle name for the boy.

Now that I'm nearing the third trimester, I think she's trying to stress the baby out of me by constantly suggesting that, once I start the Fall semester next year, the baby should live with her until DH and I finish college. She lives in the Mid West, we live on the East coast... and she suggest I give my baby to her for the next 3 years. I think my MIL really wants to have a newborn of her own. I suppose this could be because she herself was a young mother and DH and I are going to be young parents so she is still young enough to feel like she's the mother of the baby. But my parents were young parents and aren't trying to be overbearing like my MIL. Even my step mother who could not have children of her own is no where near being overbearing, she's just overjoyed with becoming a grandmother and buys me maternity clothes and Eeyore themed gender nuetral stuff for the baby. Granted I live with my father and step mother, and my mother is still caring for a 13 year old boy, 11 year old girl and a 5 year old girl in PA(5 hours away from my house).

I'm still kinda shy around my MIL but I need to let her know she's gotta back off. She's very strong willed and can be agressive if she thinks she's right so I need to find a way to tell her off without damaging our relationship aswell.

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Re: My MIL thinks she is the one having my baby.

  • Huh. Someone needs to let her know that this is not her baby, and that someone is your husband.  She doesn't get to name the kid and she sure as hell doesn't get to have the baby live with her. That is totally ridiculous. 

    Mind if I ask how old you are?

    "Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies. God damn it, you've got to be kind." - Kurt Vonnegut
  • You said it yourself, you and DH need to stand up to her.  Being an adult sometimes doing things that you aren't comfortable with.  If you let MIL take this much control already, you won't be your child's mother.  There is no way in hell that I would let any one other than myself and DH have any say on my child's name and how we raise our children.
  • Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you.  You chose not to stand up to her from the beginning and even offered to let her pick out the middle nameHmm.  You guys created a monster and now you have to deal with it.  Since you didn't put your foot down from the beginning you have to do it now.  Tell your MIL that this is not up for discussion.  If she continues to argue with you,  you leave or hang up. 

    She hs obviously learned that if she throws a hissy fit, you both turn to jelly and let her have her  way.  Much like a little kid who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle. So essentially there is not reason for her to stop.  Why should she, it gets her what she wants.

    There might not be a nice way to tell her to back off and you know she just might get really upset.  You have to be ok with that.  You have to be ok with her being mad and upset with you.  Realize it isn't the end of the world if she gets upset with you. 

  • You've been giving in to her (re: middle names) so she expect you to keep doing that.  Start saying no.
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  • Set her straight!  Yikes!
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  • This is not a MIL problem, this is a you and DH problem. YOU let her push you around, and YOU let her pick your childs name even though you don't like it.

    I'm so shocked by this whole post, I can't even figure out what else to say. 

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  • So you are on the East coast and MIL is in the Midwest?? How is this even an issue?
  • image JaqiDec04:

    This is not a MIL problem, this is a you and DH problem. YOU let her push you around, and YOU let her pick your childs name even though you don't like it.

    I'm so shocked by this whole post, I can't even figure out what else to say. 

    I agree.

    At this rate just let her have the baby...you obviously have no backbone to raise it on your own. 

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  • image Incognito2009:
    So you are on the East coast and MIL is in the Midwest?? How is this even an issue?

    I wondered the same after I got over the shock. If she can push you around like this over the phone, god-forbid she ever live near you. 

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  • you've kind of dug yourself into this mess.  you gave her the control in the first place, to pick middle names and give you first name. 
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  • image erbear:

    Huh. Someone needs to let her know that this is not her baby, and that someone is your husband.  She doesn't get to name the kid and she sure as hell doesn't get to have the baby live with her. That is totally ridiculous. 

    Mind if I ask how old you are?

    This, exactly.  Your husband sounds like he has no backbone what so ever if he hasn't spoken up about the baby living with your MIL for the first 3 years of life & what have you.  You need to talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to tell his mother that your MIL's "suggestions" on raising your child are not up for discussion.  You and your DH will decide how to handle the raising of your child.  If your DH is too chicken to man up, then this will have to fall upon you.  I got a feeling that you will be the one that will need to stand up to the MIL and your DH will not be backing you up the way he should.  This isn't just an MIL problem, this is also a DH problem as well....

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  • Take the middle  name back.  If you don't like Elijah, don't name  your kid that.  You will end up regretting it.  Just say that you don't like the name and are going to change it.  If she gets upset, so be it. 
  • woah, I agree.  You are a doormat and you're letting her do it.  Wo cares if she gets mad?  You will be the prime decision maker for your LO for the next 18 years, not MIL and you will have to make decisions that other people won't agree with. If MIL or ANYONE don't like my baby name choices, TOO FRIGGIN BAD.
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  • OK, you're in college and have 3 more years to go so I'm going out on a limb here to assume you are in your late teens (I was 21 when I graduated from college).  Welcome to adulthood - and parenthood now.   That means standing up for yourself and the decisions you and your husband make as a couple between the two of you and now, for your family.

    Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. If he can't....sorry, not sure what to tell you there, but needs to be handling his mother's control issues here regarding wanting to name the baby and basically take the baby while you're in school...

    Pick whatever name you want for your kid - too bad for her, she'll deal whether she likes it or not. It's just not normal to hand over control to other family members when it comes to an intensely personal decision such as the name you choose for your child.  This is the time to grow up and set some boundaries. You're going to be facing a lot of opinions as new (and young) parents so it's time to get some confidence in your choices and stop letting people like her be so intrusive.

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  • My sons grandma is the same way. She is very aggressive and will speak her mind no matter what. She too, would let my son live with her if I said yes. I understand where your coming from & know it's intimidating with a MIL like that.

    I do agree with all the ladies that you need to tell her how you feel and very firmly say that you are the mother and your husband is the father & you 2 together will be the only ones making choices about things involving your child. 

    Just be honest with her. Maybe she feels that you have given her so much control to start with that you might actually let her to have the baby live with her. 

    Good luck, you can tell her what she needs to hear!!! Name your baby what you want & don't let anyone try to take that away from you :) 


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  • image CTGirl30:

    OK, you're in college and have 3 more years to go so I'm going out on a limb here to assume you are in your late teens (I was 21 when I graduated from college).  Welcome to adulthood - and parenthood now.   That means standing up for yourself and the decisions you and your husband make as a couple between the two of you and now, for your family.

    Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. If he can't....sorry, not sure what to tell you there, but needs to be handling his mother's control issues here regarding wanting to name the baby and basically take the baby while you're in school...

    Pick whatever name you want for your kid - too bad for her, she'll deal whether she likes it or not. It's just not normal to hand over control to other family members when it comes to an intensely personal decision such as the name you choose for your child.  This is the time to grow up and set some boundaries. You're going to be facing a lot of opinions as new (and young) parents so it's time to get some confidence in your choices and stop letting people like her be so intrusive.

     

    I am 26 and in college with 3 years left! But that is besides the point!

    Anyways you need to stand up to her!! If she gets upset oh well she will get over it. If she wants a kid to raise of her own tell her to adopt!

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  • image Sunshinies:

    I love my MIL, but ever since we told her I was expecting she has tried to control everything. At first she wanted full right to the babies name and wouldn't agree with any of [even insulted] my choices.

    What do you mean she wouldn't agree?  How is this even up for discussion ?  What  does she have to agree to. If she insulted your name choice, you stop talking to her about it. She already had a chance to name her children.  Now it is your turn. 

     My DH and I were kind enough to compromise and let her pick a list middle names for us to choose from.

    Big big mistake.  You guys are giving her way too much power.

    While at the same time my family does not know that we're letting anyone give any say towards the names and they are not aloud to suggest or pick names for us. We don't know the gender so we had to choose a boy name and a girl name. Once we had the first names she was back at the efferts to change the name. We had to change the first girl name we picked (Avari pronounced uh-V-ar-ee) because she persuaded DH that it was too close to his cousin's son's name (Avery).

    You had to change your name?  What do you mean you had to change your name?  Did she have a gun to your head?  How can she make you change your name?  Because your baby's second cousin had a similar name? How many times in your child's life we he/she even meet this second cousin. 

    I do understand the names are close, but is the family relation close enough to have to change the name?

    Nope no it is not.  Even if they were first cousins you could keep the name.  You really can name you child whatever you want.   

    But we got along fine and decided on Aolani instead. As soon as the girl name drama was over MIL had to nitpick at the boy name. Jaxith is the proper spelling of the name, but she thinks it would be better with an "e" at the end. I am just going to ignor her request because it is my child and though I'm not really found of Elijah, I agreed to it as the middle name for the boy.

    Why?  Why did you agree to this ?  To keep her from having a temper tantrum?  If you don't like the name Elijah, don't name you baby that.  It really is that simple. 

    Now that I'm nearing the third trimester, I think she's trying to stress the baby out of me by constantly suggesting that, once I start the Fall semester next year, the baby should live with her until DH and I finish college. She lives in the Mid West, we live on the East coast... and she suggest I give my baby to her for the next 3 years. I think my MIL really wants to have a newborn of her own. I suppose this could be because she herself was a young mother and DH and I are going to be young parents so she is still young enough to feel like she's the mother of the baby. But my parents were young parents and aren't trying to be overbearing like my MIL. Even my step mother who could not have children of her own is no where near being overbearing, she's just overjoyed with becoming a grandmother and buys me maternity clothes and Eeyore themed gender nuetral stuff for the baby. Granted I live with my father and step mother, and my mother is still caring for a 13 year old boy, 11 year old girl and a 5 year old girl in PA(5 hours away from my house).

    These are all insane requests.  This child is not a puppy that can be transferred from home to home at the parent's convenience.  This is your child, another human being.  The fact that she thinks it is ok to rehome your child after three years is horrible and says a lot about her judgement. 

    I'm still kinda shy around my MIL but I need to let her know she's gotta back off. She's very strong willed and can be agressive if she thinks she's right so I need to find a way to tell her off without damaging our relationship aswell.

    Listen you are about to be a mom soon.  That means your inner mama bear has to come out.  Throughout your parenting life you will have tons of people telling you what you need to do with your own child.  At a certain point, you have to stand up for yourself and your child.  I know you are looking for this magical phrase that will simultaneously cause her  to  back off and not upset her.  That is just not going to happen and you need to accept that.  She will be upset with you both and yes your relationship will be damaged.  However you have to put your  child's happiness and well being above her feelings.  Your child is your top priority, not her.  Your child is an innocent baby and she is a grown woman.  She will not like you standing up to her, not at all.  However as long as you know you are doing what is best for your family, that is all that matters. 

     

  • omg.... she wants to take your baby to another state to live with her and NOT you?

    I understand your going back to school...but your not a teenager...your a married woman...with your first baby on the way! I would have put my foot down on that comment...thats crossing the line!!!!!!!!!!

    ugh that makes me mad for you! your husband should cut in here and have a talk with his mother.

    she can give opinions on names...but when the time comes to fill out the birth certificate the nurses will ask you and your husband to sign your name to verify it...NOT your mil...so whether she likes your choice or not... when the time comes, you name your baby what YOU want :) good luck

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  • MILs like that will keep being crazy, intrusive, and overly involved as long as you LET THEM. Trust me. I have one. It has nothing to do with your age. You are going to be a parent. It's time to put on your adult panties and start standing up for your life and your child. YOU have to set the boundaries since she clearly cannot anticipate where they might lie.
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  • Have your husband tell her to go take a seat and back off.  If he won't then you have another problem on your hands.

    Her expecting to raise your child in another state is one of the most absurd things I've read here on the Bump in a long time...and there are some good ones on this site, but your MIL is coming in at a close 3rd place for me.  I wouldn't stand for her bullshit and would have no problem telling to knock it off.  She's batshit crazy for proposing that idea.

  • You and DH need to sit down and discuss setting boundaries that apply for your MIL together. Even write a few of the ground rules down so if you'll have them to refer back to when she starts putting pressure on you both again.  Limit control and decisions she has as well as the fact she has to respect your decisions.  I think it was nice that your compromised on the middle name for her.

     The key is to have your DH say no to her when she starts telling you what to do.  She may be trying to help but she is definitely driving you away.  Another wake up call may be the passive agressive approach, do not answer the phone or communicate with her for a few weeks.  Then have DH explain that you do not need this additional stress or pressure from her.  She will realize that it will either be losing you (and her grandchild) or playing by your rules. Best of luck!

  • image stw_77:

    Sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you.  You chose not to stand up to her from the beginning and even offered to let her pick out the middle nameHmm.  You guys created a monster and now you have to deal with it.  Since you didn't put your foot down from the beginning you have to do it now.  Tell your MIL that this is not up for discussion.  If she continues to argue with you,  you leave or hang up. 

    She hs obviously learned that if she throws a hissy fit, you both turn to jelly and let her have her  way.  Much like a little kid who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the candy aisle. So essentially there is not reason for her to stop.  Why should she, it gets her what she wants.

    There might not be a nice way to tell her to back off and you know she just might get really upset.  You have to be ok with that.  You have to be ok with her being mad and upset with you.  Realize it isn't the end of the world if she gets upset with you. 

    Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself.

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  • image Incognito2009:
    So you are on the East coast and MIL is in the Midwest?? How is this even an issue?

    This is exactly what I don't understand.

    OP, this is your fault (and DH's) and there's no going back now. You can start saying no, but that monster is going to go beserk.

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  • image cruelsound:

    image Incognito2009:
    So you are on the East coast and MIL is in the Midwest?? How is this even an issue?

    This is exactly what I don't understand.

    OP, this is your fault (and DH's) and there's no going back now. You can start saying no, but that monster is going to go beserk.

    Ditto, ditto. I'm in the midwest, my mother is on the west coast. FYI, she gets no say in anything. Period.


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  • image scaneiki:
    You said it yourself, you and DH need to stand up to her.  Being an adult sometimes doing things that you aren't comfortable with.  If you let MIL take this much control already, you won't be your child's mother.  There is no way in hell that I would let any one other than myself and DH have any say on my child's name and how we raise our children.

    This. Totally.

    This is YOUR child. YOU have the be the one to stand up for him/her their entire life. If you can't stand up to her about a freaking NAME ..... what happens if she wants to spank your child? Drive with him/her not properly restrained? Put him/her to sleep in an unsafe manner? Feed him/her food you do not want? Ignore food allergy concerns?

    You need to grow a pair and be an adult. Now.

    ~Lisa~
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  • There is a normal ammount of "input" that will come from both parents... my mom and MIL are full of advice, before the name was picked, they had fun offering suggestions.. When we disagreed, or were uninterested in their requests, they let it go. That is NORMAL. 

    Your MIL is NOT normal. It is absolutely NOT normal for her to request that your child not only live with her but live with her IN ANOTHER STATE!

     Honestly, this is rediculous. If you don't like her names, say I'm sorry, we don't like the names. If she keeps bringing it up, let her know that "with respect" if she cannot avoid talking/hassling you about the names, especially if she continues to request that your child live with her, let her know that she will not have the option of being apart of baby's life!

    I can't even believe you and hubby have let it get this far. NOT OK! I understand wanting to keep the peace with your Inlaws...but this is WAY out of hand and only you two can fix it.

  • My mother was the same way when I was pregnant with my DD and living with my parents on summer reak after my freshman year of college. While I was still pg she wanted to adopt her since I was sure I wasn't ready for a baby at 19/20 and single. After she was born and I decide to keep her my mom offered to have her live Wth my parents so I could go back and finish school. No effing way. The way I saw it was that it was MY child ad NO ONE was going to raise her while I could do it, even if i had to sacrifice some things. The thing is, my mother desperately wanted lots of children and was only able to have one live (me) and adopted my two siblings. I knew there was a void there and that she was trying to fill it with my child. Your MIL sounds like she could be doing the same thing. As soon as I was able, I moved my baby and myself out of my parents house and started our own life in a new city. You already live far from her AND have a DH. Keep it that way, make sacrifices if you need to and take control of YOUR family. Have DH talk to his mother and you both stick to your guns, FFS. Her time is up. ETA: clarification.
  • It is most likely a cultural thing.  Its a shot in the dark but looking at your pic and assuming that's your DH, is his mother American or from another country?  I've known MANY, MANY women from African countries that think nothing of "giving" the child to the grandparents for a said period of time.  You need to put your foot down but just know that she isn't being totally malicious.  You just need to set very clear boundaries with her.
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