Single Parents

just found this board...

hi ladies, i'm wondering if "single parents" means that a lot of folks on here are pregnant and single... like i am? :D  i know i shouldn't be ashamed, but for some reason i am, a little bit... and the idea of this being a safe place to talk about all this stuff is really great. 

but, i guess i'm wondering, is this more of a board for people who were married when they got pregnant and only split up later?  i got pregnant basically single, with a man who was my best friend and long-distance "boyfriend," but we had no real promises of commitment as he lives 3000 miles away (in new jersey), and i live in california, and neither of us wants to move, at all... we are trying to figure out what to do but it's really hard since we weren't committed before.  add the fact that he just told me last week he's decided to "try" to get back together with his ex-girlfriend (really?  lovely timing!)... i am feeling a lot of anxiety and fear, and i think i need support.  no, i know i do.  none of my friends have gone through anything like this, the ones who have had kids or are pregnant are all happily married. 

if this board isn't exactly geared for my situation, does anyone have any suggestions of boards that might be better for me?  thanks :)

Re: just found this board...

  • You are in the right place!  These ladies come from all different situations, some like yours. I was unmarried and "single" (father not in the picture) when I had my DD 12 years ago.  I just got married this year, so I have a lot of insight into the single parent world and these lovely ladies let me stick around :)

    Welcome and congrats!  You'll find a lot of support here!

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  • The only thing that we all have in common for sure is that we will be, or already are single and parents. 

     I was married but we split when I was pg.  Some split once baby was born.  Some were never together.  Some have been married, others have not.  It doesn't matter, you are more than welcome!

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  • image laurieb602:

    You are in the right place!  These ladies come from all different situations, some like yours. I was unmarried and "single" (father not in the picture) when I had my DD 12 years ago.  I just got married this year, so I have a lot of insight into the single parent world and these lovely ladies let me stick around :)

    Welcome and congrats!  You'll find a lot of support here!

    I forgot this category too.  Laurie is a former SP but has tons of insight.  And Sweetie posts here often too (also a former SP but with a wealth of knowledge that we much appreciate). 

    Oh, and Laurie has fantastic bewbies too.

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  • image achase123:
    image laurieb602:

    You are in the right place!  These ladies come from all different situations, some like yours. I was unmarried and "single" (father not in the picture) when I had my DD 12 years ago.  I just got married this year, so I have a lot of insight into the single parent world and these lovely ladies let me stick around :)

    Welcome and congrats!  You'll find a lot of support here!

    I forgot this category too.  Laurie is a former SP but has tons of insight.  And Sweetie posts here often too (also a former SP but with a wealth of knowledge that we much appreciate). 

    Oh, and Laurie has fantastic bewbies too.

    ( o )( o )

    why, these old things?? Embarrassed

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  • I was engaged when I got pregnant but I didnt end up marry BD.

    I wish this board existed back then as I used to post on the tri boards where everyone had their perfect husband and were setting up their nurseries while I was crying everyday and could not afford much for DD.

    I was actually called out because I wasnt married!


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  • sigh!  what a relief!  i feel better just knowing you guys are here :)  thank you!  i'll post more about my situation soon.

    but for now i do have one question.  i'm 10.5 weeks.  the father (BD i guess he's called) has a temper and has not been very agreeable.  we were really close and best friends and lovers and all that for the past year, but he lives across the country, so we weren't "a couple."  we just saw each other every month for work.  so, he threw tantrums at first, said it felt like his life was ending... then came out here to california (he lives in new jersey) to see me and meet my family and told me he was going to move here to raise the baby with me... then decided he couldn't, maybe... then decided to get back with his ex... he's just all over the place and not very stable, and when he's really upset (and obviously this is stressful for both of us) he can have a mean, mean temper, though most of the time he's lovely.  this is causing me a lot of anxiety, to say the least.  but i try to breathe through it because i know the baby feels everything i do.  he's not physically violent or anything but he gets angry easily and his emotions are all over the place.

    so like i said he lives 3000 miles away, and i am a bit worried about custody.  i know since he's the dad he has equal rights to mine, but if he fought for 50% custody (and he's like that, he's a fighter, and i'm only now figuring out what it's like to be on the other side of that) - would he get it?  would my kid have live half its life 3000 miles away from me, and have to move every year?  or even every other summer?  he's stubborn and can be really immature, and recently he's been saying "you can't tell me what to do!" a lot (even though i never tell him what to do, it's not my style, i ASK for things and i tell him if i'm unhappy but never order him around).

    since i found out i've been telling him i want him to be involved in the kid's life, and he's been resistant ("just because you want to have a kid means i have to be a father?").  but he is so contrary... i know that if i tell him i don't want him to be part of this kid's life he'll be fighting for equal custody with me in a heartbeat.  plus, i think he would think it was the right thing to do.

    obviously there are a lot of issues to sort out here. i kind of can't believe i let myself get into this situation, and i'm dreading having to co-parent with this person for the rest of my life.  so i'm wondering, legally (in california) is there any way i can maintain primary custody, if he wants it to be 50/50?

  • image tifanico:

    I was actually called out because I wasnt married!

    Whaaa???  Do tell about this!

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  • and i'm sorry for that long rant... i've just been thinking about all of this a lot with no one to really talk... so it kind of spilled out.  i'm not crazy, i promise!
  • Hey and welcome to the board. I've been separated from  my BD since month 3 of my pregnancy and am almost done now. I live in FL so I can't give you specifics, but I went to a lawyer and had a consult during my pregnancy. This way I know the laws, how the system works, etc. It took a big load off my mind.

    At the same time telling him anything is not going to help you. He has to decide to want to be a part of your child's life. It's really hard to accept and in my instance he has been all over the board, but his actions (no contact) speak a lot louder. Stress doesn't help you or the baby. Hopefully everything settles down as you get further along.

  • I dont remember exactly what I posted but I referred to BD and didnt use DH or something like that. The post was about something else and not to the fact that I was single at all.

    There was this poster that GBCN a while ago, (Mod for the ones who were around that time) and she just called me out and asked me if he was a sperm donor or what was the deal.


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  • thank you... i know telling him anything won't help (which is why i said i don't tell him to do anything, i only say how i feel, that's it) but i guess i am afraid to tell him i want his interactions to be limited, because he's the kind of person who will do the OPPOSITE, just to prove he can.  yes, i made a very bad judgment call, but here i am.

    i know it sounds awful to say i'm not sure i want him to be a big part of this kid's life, but... i don't want him going back and forth with the child, being there and then disappearing, breaking my baby's heart, nor do i want this kind of angry, childish emotional abuse as a major part of my life from here on out... i just wonder if i even have the option of limiting the interaction i have to have with him.  i really don't want to spend the rest of my life getting screamed at and sent nasty texts about custody, and it would be terrible for the child, too.

    i know the laws are different in florida, but does anyone know if, generally, i could do anything to stop him from getting 50% custody?

  • or is that unfair of me to even think about...?
  • image moonmama3:

    hi ladies, i'm wondering if "single parents" means that a lot of folks on here are pregnant and single... like i am? :D  i know i shouldn't be ashamed, but for some reason i am, a little bit... and the idea of this being a safe place to talk about all this stuff is really great. 

    but, i guess i'm wondering, is this more of a board for people who were married when they got pregnant and only split up later?  i got pregnant basically single, with a man who was my best friend and long-distance "boyfriend," but we had no real promises of commitment as he lives 3000 miles away (in new jersey), and i live in california, and neither of us wants to move, at all... we are trying to figure out what to do but it's really hard since we weren't committed before.  add the fact that he just told me last week he's decided to "try" to get back together with his ex-girlfriend (really?  lovely timing!)... i am feeling a lot of anxiety and fear, and i think i need support.  no, i know i do.  none of my friends have gone through anything like this, the ones who have had kids or are pregnant are all happily married. 

    if this board isn't exactly geared for my situation, does anyone have any suggestions of boards that might be better for me?  thanks :)

     

     

    Hey!!! Welcome!!! I'm 8 months pregnant and single. My boyfriend and were together and have been on and off through this entire pregnancy and about a month ago, things ended...horribly. So, I am officially a single mom in my book. This is a great place for you!!!

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  • I am in Cali and very close to you in fact.  (I go to Cal)  I have a long distance custody order as well as stbx is in CO. While it may be feasible when LO gets older, no judge would grant a baby 6 months away from their mother.  I would say don't worry about this now.  You still have 6 months to go before your LO is due.  Worry about it then since you can't file until the baby is born anyway. 
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  • ok, sorry if i've been oversharing here.  i know none of you probably want to hear all my drama!

    i think all i want to know is: how does one establish primary custody, in general?  i know nothing about any of this.  when i think about it, i know he has rights and i'm sure we can figure out a way to do this amicably (i hope).  but i don't want my child to have to move back and forth across the country every year - they wouldn't have any consistency with school, friends, home, etc.  does anyone think i might possibly have any recourse?

    i'm just scared because someone told me that since it's his kid too he can do whatever he wants and i won't be able to do anything about it. 

  • This sounds A LOT like my bd. He is in and out of the picture. He tells me one day he wants to live with me and then I won't hear from him for 3 weeks. It's been a horrible roller coaster of emotions for me. So, I suggest you stand your ground now and stick to your guns!!! Don't let him run all over you...STAY IN CONTROL!!! I wish I would have done this.

    I don't think any judge is going to allow 50/50 custody until your child is old enough to do this. I am not sure of this, I've only heard this. But, don't stress out about that right now. I know that in the state of TX you can't do anything until the baby is born anyway b/c J isn't the "assumed father" until paternity proves this. So, I have to wait till my little girl is born until I can seek legal advice. By then, you will have a good idea what he will do...who knows, sounds like he may be the type to eventually change his mind and grow up and possibly move out there to CA. I hope that for you!!!

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  • thanks blondnearby :)  what does stbx mean?  what is a long distance custody order?  and what do you mean file?  i'm not planning on filing for child support.  or do you mean file for custody?

    the thing is, i kinda do need to worry about it now - because now is the only time i'll be able to do anything about it...

  • image moonmama3:

    ok, sorry if i've been oversharing here.  i know none of you probably want to hear all my drama!

    i think all i want to know is: how does one establish primary custody, in general?  i know nothing about any of this.  when i think about it, i know he has rights and i'm sure we can figure out a way to do this amicably (i hope).  but i don't want my child to have to move back and forth across the country every year - they wouldn't have any consistency with school, friends, home, etc.  does anyone think i might possibly have any recourse?

    i'm just scared because someone told me that since it's his kid too he can do whatever he wants and i won't be able to do anything about it. 

    You automatically have full custody (legal and physical) if he isn't there to sign the BC or wants a paternity test...and you would continue to have it until he establishes paternity and files for visitation.

    If he's there and signs the BC, you would need to file for custody as soon as the baby is born.

    I don't know anything about how custody works when it's long distance like that. But I do know that no one can do "whatever he wants" if you make sure that you have a court order so that you have guidelines to work with.

    The only thing I can tell you is that you need to be okay with not being nice. Doing everything through the courts is best, because if he's on the BC and there's no CO, he really could just do whatever. Nice gets you nowhere, and he sounds like he needs to figure out what he wants to do...while he's going back and forth and being ridiculous, you don't need to talk to him if you don't want to. You can just tell him to figure it out, and give him updates when he asks for them.

    I advise you to tell him that you will be happy to work with him in court with a mediator involved. The truth is, you aren't likely to work anything out before then because he needs to figure out what he wants to do. If he makes up his mind, and you can communicate effectively, then you can decide whether or not you want to work out a parenting plan outside of court.

    I know this is all scary. I've definitely been where you are. Feel free to message me if you want to chat.

  • Welcome! You will get great advice/knowledge from the ladies on this board!

    I don't know nearly as much as some of the women on here, but I recently had my son and didn't realy get a choice on filing for custody and child support. The case worker called me and asked me some questions and told me I would need to be in court on such and such a date.. (which is this coming monday and I am so scared!)
    They had me (and BD) fill out a paternity paper, saying he was the father in court and I think that is what my case worker in my county got.
    They did tell me that the court will want as close to 50/50 as possible, if that is in the best interest of my DS, but they also said that if my BD and I could come to an agreement on placement, they will generally ok that. So we have decided that he will get our son every other weekend because of his work schedule and the fact that he is moving 3 hours away next week!

    I am rambling now but that is just my situation! I am sure you could always get contact with someone who works in your county to see how they will want you to go about it. Maybe it's different for me because I live in a pretty rural area?

    GL to you and welcome! You found an amazing resource!

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  • I would also like to add that it seems highly unlikely that any judge would order 50/50 custody, especially in this case. The truth of the matter is, most of the time that type of arrangement is not in the best interest of the child (and this is especially the case when it's that long distance).

    Why do you think a lot of men have every other weekend visitation? The court is there to work with fairness, and in the best interest of the child. 50/50 custody is usually not something that is awarded to someone; it's something that parents agree on.

  • Welcome to the board, it is full of insightful ladies.  I too am single and pregnant.  Split with ex-husband, then found out I was pregnant, but continued with the divorce.  Hopefully you'll be able to find support here on the board if you don't have it in real life...
  • Yes, you are in the right place.  Welcome.  We have all types of SP here. 

     

    image tifanico:

    I dont remember exactly what I posted but I referred to BD and didnt use DH or something like that. The post was about something else and not to the fact that I was single at all.

    There was this poster that GBCN a while ago, (Mod for the ones who were around that time) and she just called me out and asked me if he was a sperm donor or what was the deal.

    Wait, Mod GBCNed?   Like, for real? I was a lurker on the tri boards when she was around, then on the month boards.  :::sigh:::: we were discussing TTC again.   

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  • image moonmama3:

    sigh!  what a relief!  i feel better just knowing you guys are here :)  thank you!  i'll post more about my situation soon.

    but for now i do have one question.  i'm 10.5 weeks.  the father (BD i guess he's called) has a temper and has not been very agreeable.  we were really close and best friends and lovers and all that for the past year, but he lives across the country, so we weren't "a couple."  we just saw each other every month for work.  so, he threw tantrums at first, said it felt like his life was ending... then came out here to california (he lives in new jersey) to see me and meet my family and told me he was going to move here to raise the baby with me... then decided he couldn't, maybe... then decided to get back with his ex... he's just all over the place and not very stable, and when he's really upset (and obviously this is stressful for both of us) he can have a mean, mean temper, though most of the time he's lovely.  this is causing me a lot of anxiety, to say the least.  but i try to breathe through it because i know the baby feels everything i do.  he's not physically violent or anything but he gets angry easily and his emotions are all over the place.

    so like i said he lives 3000 miles away, and i am a bit worried about custody.  i know since he's the dad he has equal rights to mine, but if he fought for 50% custody (and he's like that, he's a fighter, and i'm only now figuring out what it's like to be on the other side of that) - would he get it?  would my kid have live half its life 3000 miles away from me, and have to move every year?  or even every other summer?  he's stubborn and can be really immature, and recently he's been saying "you can't tell me what to do!" a lot (even though i never tell him what to do, it's not my style, i ASK for things and i tell him if i'm unhappy but never order him around).

    since i found out i've been telling him i want him to be involved in the kid's life, and he's been resistant ("just because you want to have a kid means i have to be a father?").  but he is so contrary... i know that if i tell him i don't want him to be part of this kid's life he'll be fighting for equal custody with me in a heartbeat.  plus, i think he would think it was the right thing to do.

    obviously there are a lot of issues to sort out here. i kind of can't believe i let myself get into this situation, and i'm dreading having to co-parent with this person for the rest of my life.  so i'm wondering, legally (in california) is there any way i can maintain primary custody, if he wants it to be 50/50?

     

    This explains my situation almost exactly. Except I left California where I was living with my ex to move back home to Illinois where my family is and I'm worried about custody and visitation. I don't want him involved with my little girl at all when she is born. I want him punished for physically and verbally abusing me while pregnant. I want him to suffer. I told him that I wasn't going to call him when I went into labor. I saved all the horrible texts messages incase I need them in court. 

  • thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful, informative and kind responses.  what an amazing resource this is.  i will be calling a lawyer just to consult.  i want to stay strong and not let him screw me around, but i need to know what my rights are so i know what i can be strong in.  if that makes sense.

    i just talked to BD about an hour ago, and we actually had a reasonable, mature discussion.  and i remained calm the entire time, even though it was like a million knives in my heart.  he told me he is back with his ex, he decided this weekend that he is actually still in love with her, never was in love with me, and that he wants to be with her.  she knows i'm pregnant but, he says "she's with me no matter what."  this hurts, a lot, but at least now i know.  no more waffling back and forth.  i just keep reminding myself the pain will pass with time.  and that i don't really know if i'd want to be with him either, given the nasty, angry, hateful, childish temper i've just found out about.  i swear, if you want to see someone's true colors, get knocked up with their baby!  seems to work like a charm.

    anyway, we did talk about custody, and he was totally reasonable and said he would never make a child have to split their life across the country like that.  as of NOW, he says he won't fight me for custody (but he changes his mind all the time, so it's hard to trust that).  he said he was even thinking it might be best for him not to be involved in the child's life at all... best for the child, he says, though i'm pretty sure he's thinking about how if he shuts this kid out of his life, he and his ex can have a perfect happy life together and he can be a perfect daddy to kids he actually wants.

    that hurts too.  he wants kids, he just doesn't want them with me.  he told me he wanted them with me, we made all these plans about how we would raise them, places and names, etc etc.  he was actively looking for someone to have kids with... and he says now he WISHES he could have fallen in love with me but he couldn't MAKE himself.  gee, thanks.  no one can love me even if they force themselves to?  fantastic. 

    anyway, he had said (before) that a baby with me would be great, and we had completely unprotected sex for 3 months (what was he thinking?!  i would think that meant he actually WANTED to get me pregnant, wouldn't you imagine so?  he's a grown man with a strong background in health care, he knows where babies come from)... and then when i got pregnant he decided he didn't.  wtf?  and now he's getting back together with a woman he wants to marry and have kids with.  it's not that he's not ready to have kids, or doesn't want them.  he just doesn't want them with me.  does that mean he will love her kids, but not mine?  it breaks my heart.

    is it weird to feel jealousy of kids that haven't even been born yet?  to wish my child could have his love, but instead he's only going to give it to his kids with her?

    part of me wants him to just do what he would do if this was a movie: realize he really does love me, he was just scared, move here and be with me and love our baby with me, decorate the nursery and go to childbirth classes with me and talk to the baby through my belly.  i always imagined that for myself.  yet at the same time, the other part of me thinks all of what i said above, that i really don't want him involved.

    this is all very confusing.

    thanks for listening.

  • josie, i'm sorry.  although... i am not glad anyone else is going through this, but it is really nice to know i'm not alone!  i feel like all my friends and family have these perfect marriages and true love and their plans are unfolding exactly as they dreamed, and i'm the weird one, so it's really nice to find community here.

    verbal abuse is unfortunately very hard to prove, but physical abuse is not.  did anyone ever see him hurt you?  any witnesses at all would be very useful in a court case, i would think.  and yeah,  i want to save my text messages from him too... i'm wondering how to export them from my phone in case i lose it or something so i can back them up.  some of the lovely texts like "f*** you, i'm not going to be forced to be a father just because you won't have an abortion!" i imagine wouldn't look too good to a judge in a custody case...

    it seems so unfair, the father can just pop in and claim custody at any point, just because it's his DNA, regardless of whether he abandons us or abuses us or doesn't support or even speak to us for years?  if he just decides to be a dad when the kid is 8 years old, the courts are like "sure, go for it."  it seems like the mother who goes through pregnancy and labor and sacrifices everything for her child should have more of a say in this.  but i guess this is the price of equality.

    i guess in a way we can be thankful... i mean in some countries, and even a few hundred years ago, the dad or his family could just swoop in and take the baby, and there was nothing a mother could do about it.

    that doesn't really make it better for us now, but you know.  something to think about. 
  • STBX= soon to be ex husband.

    In the state of  CA you can't file for any type of custody until the baby is born.  So really, beyond finding yourself a lawyer, which I personally don't think you need right now, you can't do anything.  If he isn't there when you deliver you will not be able to put him the BC (birth certificate) because paternity needs to be established or assumed by the father.  I would strongly suggest going to court and establishing some sort of CO (court order) regarding custody.  When you do this you should just go ahead and file for CS (child support) because if not as a help to you, it will benefit your LO (little one).  I know some mothers put the CS into a savings account for the child to use for college or even a car when they get older.  Feel free to PM (personal message) on here for more questions.  As far as visitation, I have a temporary custody order.  Before my stbx comes to CA we go to mediation (I physically present, he phones in) and we establish a rough visitation schedule.  It usually amounts to every other day while he is here from 9am to 6pm.  

     

     

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