2nd Trimester

Got an email from my ex!

So I was checking my email last night and saw one from my ex.  The one before I met DH.  He turned pretty psycho on me after I ended things.  He started showing up and my house in the middle of the night knocking on my window.  Calling non stop many many times a day.  Emails and text messages.  I even got letters in the mailbox.  It was getting pretty scary there for a little bit.  Well he ended up getting really sick and was in the hospital and that is how it all stopped.  I know he got better when he contacted me again "apologizing" for everything.  At that time I told him I was seeing someone and moved.  It seemed to have worked all this time because I never heard back.  Now I got an email from him asking how I was doing and if he could send me a Christmas card. Apparently he's looked me up on facebook and saw that I moved out of state too.  WHAT???  He really is psycho!    I am not responding to the email and hope he gets the hint, but I have a feeling there will be more emails.  Ugh!  I just hope DH doesn't see any of them.  He knew how much of a problem I had and would flip to know the psycho is trying to make another appearance.  Well just needed to vent a little.  Thanks for listening. 
Jenn~A

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Re: Got an email from my ex!

  • Sounds like it's time to block that email address... block it, label it as spam, whatever you have to do.  Oh and make your facebook page private so random people like that can't just search for you.
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  • Yeah, he sounds really creepy.  Def. do not give him your address and you might double-check your Facebook permissions to make sure that no one who is not a friend can see your personal information.  The same goes for MySpace, LinkedIn, and any other social networking sites that you might frequent.

    You might want to tell your DH, actually, just in case creepy guy keeps stalking you and it gets worse.  Also, it doesn't really look good to hide that stuff from DH when he's your partner and just wants the best for you.  It might upset him more later to learn that you'd been hiding it.

    Best of luck.  Suxors to have people in your life like that.

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  • Wow I would definetly ignore all attempts of contact. Thats really creepy. If you are worried that he will continue you might consider letting your DH know. I know mine would not be happy if he found out after the fact.
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  • Yeah I wanted to block him, but I guess he has himself unsearchable. I have myself the same, but he knows my friends and can easily find me through their friends list.   I can't seem to find out how to block his emails.  I tried that before too.  I'm sure I just need to get in there and look at every detail.  The spam thing I never thought about though.  Thanks!

     

    I do need to tell DH.  I know he wont be mad at me or anything.  I just remember before how hectic it was talking about it all the time.  He was always asking if I've heard anything again.  At least I do have a new cell number and I have moved so I don't have to worry about anything except emails.  Still is crazy to hear from someone after all these years.  Talk about people with no life...

    Jenn~A

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  • Put your FB profile on private. The only ones who can see any of my stuff are the friends on my page...not even friends of friends. I don't want psychos peepin my stuff.
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  • Spam thing is a good idea.

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  • My page is on private.  I don't like strangers looking at me either, but I think it shows the state I live in.  I gotta change that.

     

    The sad thing is, this guy is not ugly AND he's a lawyer.  He should have no problem finding someone else.  But he was very boring lol.

    Jenn~A

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  • Yeah you definitely need to tell your DH.  God forbid, if something horrible should happen, he needs to know that the ex has tried to contact you.  If he has no idea he's trying to get back in the picture then he might not even think of it.

    You didn't mention if he has ever become violent or threatning, but you may want to look into a no contact/restraining order.  It seems like this guy just doesn't get that he's not welcome anymore.

     

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  • Have you ever considered a restraining order? I would be totally creeped out... and, I know my DH would flip!!! Obviously your ex is smart and has connections.... Seems like the only way to stop this is to look into those other "legal" options... Good luck!
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  • Put me in the "Tell your husband" column. He has a right to know. 
  • No never violent or threatening.  Just a lot of begging to take him back.  Then he started putting me down to try to get me worked up and then come back to the apologizing and begging.  
    Jenn~A

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  • I have been through this and more, where I had to actually take matters to the police, and my ex wound up doing 3 months of psych and jail time for stalking me. Even the nicest guy in the world can tweak suddenly, and your privacy and safety is all you need to worry about. Especially with the little one on the way.

    1) DO NOT reply to him whatsoever. Let him wonder if you ever got the note, but whatever you do, DO NOT give him any satisfaction of a response (no matter the tone) because that feeds the fire.

    2) DO tell your DH. You should not keep this a secret, because both you and your DH need to keep your eyes open. Trust me on this one. You need to remind DH not to respond either, no matter how much he may want to. It may feel good in the short term, but in the long term it will only make your ex more defensive or aggitated. You and you DH need to be partners in all things, including this. Especially this.

    3) For heavens sake woman - change your FB settings so that only friends (not "everyone" or "friends of friends") can see your profile! Seriously - if there is ANYONE in your past that you would prefer to keep far away from you, do it immediately. Where you are, what you do and when you do it are only things that people like your ex can use to track you down.

     Look, I know how scary this can be, and take it from someone who is still dealing with this 15 years later, this can be a nightmare. But, you need to be smart about it, cover your tracks, and know that your DH also knows the deal. It's more important that I can even express.

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  • Thanks for the advice.  But I do have my facebook on private.  The only way he can find me is by looking at the friends he knows about and looking at their list and see me on it.  Other than that he will only get a pic of me and the basic stuff you can see.  All the other advice is definitely being done!  Thank you!
    Jenn~A

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  • image jengon:
    No never violent or threatening.  Just a lot of begging to take him back.  Then he started putting me down to try to get me worked up and then come back to the apologizing and begging.  

    Jen, that's exactly how it started with mine. I'm not saying this will get violent, but once someone gets to the point they lose their self-esteem and become hyper-focused on getting you back, they also often lose their barometer of when no means no, or when they have seriously crossed the line. It's an obsession.

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  • That is true too.  I guess I will have to start looking into my options.
    Jenn~A

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  • Even if he can only see "basic" stuff on FB, that is not good. There is a way to make it so that no one can even search for you, they have to see a common friend or group memebership to find you.  I reccommend doing that.  Even if you block him, that doesn't me he doesn't have alternate accounts where he can look you up.  Change your settings so no one can search for you.  I had to do this after my ex went crazy too...Think about if you ever want your profile pic to be of you and your child...I wouldn't want him to be able to see what my child looked like.  Even though you have moved out of state, this guy could be crazy enough to try to come to where you live.  If he knows what you or your children look like that will just make it easier to find you.
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  • What about changing your email address??
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  • I'm butting in. But you do realize he was asking if he could send you a card? Meaning, he was trying to get your home address. That seems like something serious, especially if he's stalked your home in the past.

    My FB page is completely blocked to anyone that's not my friend. They can see nothing - no info, no picture(s), nothing. Even if we share a mutual friend. That's the type of privacy you need to have in place. Period. You can still leave yourself searchable for others, just don't accept anyone you're not 100% sure you know/remember.

    You also should consider doing something with your e-mail address.

  • image KatieWill2006:
    Sounds like it's time to block that email address... block it, label it as spam, whatever you have to do.  Oh and make your facebook page private so random people like that can't just search for you.

    This exactly.

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    Caitlin 4.17.11     Madeline 10.20.13

     
  • I agree with Beetle, I had a few people from my past, that I never want to see again, look me up and one truely is crazy. I did this and I also will not be posting any new baby pictures. I also changed my name on FB to just my married name. If someone doesn't know what my name is now I am 99% sure I am not interested in being FB friends anyway.

  • You can have your FB page set so private that no one at all can find you. That's what I have, I figured I can always add the people I care to be friends with. Tell your DH, just incase this escalates or DH finds out that he emailed you. You guys are married and things like this should not be hidden from each other! Thank God you moved away!! This guy totally wants to show up at your door again, it's so creepy/ scary!
  • image jengon:
    So I was checking my email last night and saw one from my ex.  The one before I met DH.  He turned pretty psycho on me after I ended things.  He started showing up and my house in the middle of the night knocking on my window.  Calling non stop many many times a day.  Emails and text messages.  I even got letters in the mailbox.  It was getting pretty scary there for a little bit.  Well he ended up getting really sick and was in the hospital and that is how it all stopped.  I know he got better when he contacted me again "apologizing" for everything.  At that time I told him I was seeing someone and moved.  It seemed to have worked all this time because I never heard back.  Now I got an email from him asking how I was doing and if he could send me a Christmas card. Apparently he's looked me up on facebook and saw that I moved out of state too.  WHAT???  He really is psycho!    I am not responding to the email and hope he gets the hint, but I have a feeling there will be more emails.  Ugh!  I just hope DH doesn't see any of them.  He knew how much of a problem I had and would flip to know the psycho is trying to make another appearance.  Well just needed to vent a little.  Thanks for listening. 

    Ok, I know exactly how you feel. My ex was just like that except I still live in the same small town as him ^^! He pretty much leaves me alone but my best friend is his good friend so he hears all about my life. Honestly, the best thing to do is to make sure your husband knows you were contacted. Say you resolved the situation and will make sure he knows if you need help. And do not by any means let him send you a christmas card. He'll then have your address and think contacting you is ok. At most I would tell him that your doing good happily married and expecting a child. Don't do more that that. no details nothing that will encourage more contact. 

  • I'd be blocking his emails, but I would also tell your DH about it now rather than risking him finding out later.  If you lie and he finds out he may think you responded to this guy but if you are up front he will know you want nothing to do with it, have nothing to hide and think its creepy.  Thats just me, DH used to tell me any time a particular ex called him out of the blue when we were first living together...I probably would have never found out and maybe there is a time or two I don't know about but I appreciated his honesty and it let me know he really didn't care to hear from her.  Especially with the nature of this guys history, I would make sure you don't respond.
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  • 1. You might have your FB profile on "private" but some settings aren't right if he can find you through friends. Sort through the settings and disable all that. Also, a few months ago FB snuck in the locator device as active (you have to disable it manually) so that if you're with one of those people with a phone that does 'check ins' it will include your name no matter how private your profile is set to be. I don't have any friends who do that foursquare business, but I wasn't taking any chances.

    2. For further FB privacy I changed my name to my first + middle. It's an idea so that you'll be even more elusive.

    3. I agree - change your e-mail address. Yes, it's a huge pain, but only for a brief while and the benefits will outweigh holding onto it. In many ways it's a great fresh start :) Less spam!

     

  • Contact your mutual friends and tell them not to give him any details about you and where you live.
  • image erynalexis:
    At most I would tell him that your doing good happily married and expecting a child. Don't do more that that. no details nothing that will encourage more contact. 

    I  can't disagree more. ANY contact you have with him, positive, negative or even neutral will only encourage him to keep going. He's looking for a response. The best possible outcome is he'll stop trying if he keeps hitting a brick wall over and over.

    My ex used to visit a site that only had my pic on it over 30 times a day... 12 years after we split. I know this because it had a log of who was the last person to visit the site, and he was ALWAYS at the top or second to the top. Apparently when people get that weird broken record in their head that tells them that they NEED to see you or speak to you, it can get completely out of control and they are even helpless to stop it. NO CONTACT. NO INFO. GO STEALTH. BE SAFE. TELL DH.

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