1st Trimester

Being Pressured To Get Married Before The Baby Arrives..

I love my boyfriend. Very much. And I've been wanting to marry him for a long time. But he wants us to get married before the baby is born late July. He wants to, his family and my parents. I'm not the type of girl who gets married because I'm pregnant. He's going to be there anyway. He just wants to so the child isn't illegitimate. I understand everyone's reason but if he's still going to be there, why not get married 6 months after the baby is born or something?

I want to give my father the right opportunity to walk me down the aisle. I want the wedding I've always wanted. Not to get married in a courthouse or throw a wedding together real quick so I get married before I show or to have my big pregnancy bump stealing the show.

I just don't know. What do ya'll think? Do you think it matters? Anyone else been in my shoes? 

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Re: Being Pressured To Get Married Before The Baby Arrives..

  • I have a child with my boyfriend and am 8 weeks pregnant now- get married before you have to say- 'boyfriend' the baby deserves it-- husband is so much better.
  • My husband's cousin is going through the same thing. We keep telling her that you can get the piece of paper that says your married, and have that proper wedding later. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you can't have the celebration of marriage. It's something you and your BF need to sit down and talk about - so you BOTH understand where the other is coming from. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that's my opinion.

  • Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.
  • If you want to get married after the baby is born then wait till after the baby is born.  Your BF and his family are just gonna have to wait.  And who really wants to get married pregnant (I don't, but I do want to marry my BF too), you can't even have a drink at your wedding that would suck IMO.  Good Luck girl.
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  • I think if you get KU before getting married you need to rearrange your priorities.  Waiting to get married so you can have some fancy dream wedding is just silly.

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  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    This.  It will feel good to have a ring to accompany your baby bump!  You can always have your dream wedding after the baby comes.

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  • I say wait. Who cares about the ring right now?  If that's what you wanted, you'll always regret it.  And if you decide to do the quickie wedding at the courthouse and the "real" wedding afterwards, just make sure that you follow through.  I don't feel that "not being married" is as big a stigma as it used to be...and as long as your LO has two happy parents, it can't ask for anything more.
  • My DH and I did what they are saying.  We went to the courthouse on Feb 19, 2009 just the 2 of us.  We had been living together for a few years.  Then planned our Family wedding for Feb 19, 2010.  The minister, reception, everything.  The best part was we were able to make payments during the year to the vendors and on the day of our celebration everything was paid in CASH!  I love that we have no debt from our wedding.

     Do what makes you feel comfortable.  I truly believe you do not have to get married just because you have a child.

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  • image minniecallie:
    If you want to get married after the baby is born then wait till after the baby is born.  Your BF and his family are just gonna have to wait.  And who really wants to get married pregnant (I don't, but I do want to marry my BF too), you can't even have a drink at your wedding that would suck IMO.  Good Luck girl.

    Exactly this. My brother and his wife didn't get married until their 1st child was 6 months old. Nobody was mad or disappointed that they weren't married before it was born.

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  • I say wait. I can't imagine having the stress of wedding planning on top of being pregnant. Or do what someone else suggested - go to a court house now and have a party (not wedding) after the baby is born to celebrate.

    IMO, it doesn't matter, and the only people it should matter to are you and your child's father. Leave everyone else out if it and have a talk.

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  • Before reading all the replies I would have also said to wait. BUT, there were some great suggestions here. Marriage, after all, is all about compromise. Maybe the best compromise in this situation is to get legally married, then plan the wedding of your dreams. It may not be ideal, but it happens all the time! My best friend got married in a court house and had a wedding ceremony several months later (she needed insurance). If you know you want to be with him in the end, then this should be a great thing for everyone involved.


    BUT, in the end, it's the decision of you and your BF. Do what you feel comfortable.

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  • I think you'll regret not having the traditions, the ceremony, the wedding and the romance of a proposal. I also think it might look like you're ashamed of yourselves if you run and get married just to say you are before the baby comes. I don't mean that to sound harsh and if that's what you end up doing, and are happy with it then great!  I just think people should get married when they are ready, not because they are expecting a baby. Making a marriage work is hard enough as it is sometimes, I would go into it with my mind 100% set. If you weren't pregnant, when do you think you honestly would have gotten engaged/married?

    (Just playing devil's advocate here)

    Good luck deciding! Either way, sounds like your baby will have parents who love and care for eachother, regardless of if they are married during or after the pregnancy.

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  • Question, were you and BF trying to get PG?  Or was this unplanned?  If you were trying to get PG, get married.  If you weren't trying for a baby and if you aren't ready to get married don't make a mistake by commiting yourself to something you aren't wanting or ready for.  But, once again, if you planned this PG, and had serious plans on getting married anyway, then do the right thing go have court room wedding and a ceremony later.  More food for thought, if you plan on putting BF on the birth certificate and you aren't married by that time, there will probably be some hoops to jump though (may not seem like a huge deal to go though those couple extra steps, but think of him.  Basically having to go though a process where, in one way or another, it has to be proven that he is the father of the baby.  That could potentially be pretty embarassing for him).  Just seriously consider getting married before the baby comes if it was already in the plans anyway. 

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  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    I agree, I think that is a nice compromise that honors both of your wishes. I do think your BF's feelings need to come into consideration as well, and if it means so much to him to be married, this will allow you to still have the day you wanted. Just a little later, and with a really cute flower girl/ring bearer Wink

    But, at the same time, there is nothing wrong with waiting until your baby is born if you both decide that is what you want. Marriage is great, I love mine, but it is not necessary for a healthy, happy home. And no one should make either of you feel differently.

  • image oscarkat:
    Just my opinion, I don't think it actually matters either way. I would go do a quickie ceremony with just the BF (no family) at a courthouse, then plan a wedding for after the baby. I figure that would be a compromise between you and your SO.

    This.  A friend from work was in the same situation with his girlfriend.  They did the quick courthouse thing so legally they were married, then had a really beautiful ceremony and reception a few months after lo arrived.  Your dad can still walk you down the aisle, big white dress and everything!

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  • This is a marriage.  Not buying a puppy, or moving to a new town, but a lifetime commitment to one person.  Honestly, it should never come with pressure.  Have you tried having a heart to heart with your boyfriend?  If he's going to stick around, like you say, then give yourselves both time.  Rushing it may make one or both of you regret it in the end.  Maybe not so much the marriage, but not doing it the way you want.

     Keep the money you'd spend on a wedding now, for in case something comes up with the baby.  Save up together for a dream wedding.  You two might learn a lot from one another, and strengthen as a couple by having to wait and work for something you both want.

    Best of luck either way! Smile

  • Just get married in secret and have your wedding later. Both of my brothers and several of my husbands military friends have done this!
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  • image GirlsOwnLove:

    This is a marriage.  Not buying a puppy, or moving to a new town, but a lifetime commitment to one person.  Honestly, it should never come with pressure.  Have you tried having a heart to heart with your boyfriend?  If he's going to stick around, like you say, then give yourselves both time.  Rushing it may make one or both of you regret it in the end.  Maybe not so much the marriage, but not doing it the way you want.

     Keep the money you'd spend on a wedding now, for in case something comes up with the baby.  Save up together for a dream wedding.  You two might learn a lot from one another, and strengthen as a couple by having to wait and work for something you both want.

    Best of luck either way! Smile

    This. Especially the bolded.

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  • I guess I don't really see what the big deal is. Having a child with someone is a WAY bigger commitment and lifelong bond than marriage. They will always be in your life, one way or the other.

    I personally would rather have the wedding before the baby came just for convenience sake. You can stay out late, go on a honeymoon, etc without worrying about childcare.

  • Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 
  • I personally have not been in your shoes but my mother and father got married when she was about 7 months pregnant with me. There was definitely pressure there and my father ended up leaving a few months after I was born. 

    I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm just saying that I think it would be better to wait and get married when you feel it's the right time, not because other people think you should or it's the right thing to do.  


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  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

    Agreed. All of this is much more important than a poofy white dress and tulle.

    I'm not a proponent of getting married because someone is KUed....but if you were going to get married anyways...might as well make it easier on yourself and do it now before the baby comes. Less paperwork and insurance hassle.

    Also, I don't know where you live, but I can speak for myself in this regard...when people in my town see a baby bump, their eyes immediately go to the ring finger. If there's no ring there, the judging is pretty bad. For that reason, when my fingers get too fat for my current bands, I'm totally going to rock a fake ring from Target.


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  • I will say, it helps to have a mediator if you feel the need for one. We're Catholic, and we talked to our priest, and he was very helpful - he asked us individually if we were being pressured by anyone, because he wanted us both to feel comfortable getting married. I'm not trying to push Catholocism on you if you're not - but even going to your local church and asking the priest to talk to you about it can't hurt. It won't cost you anything, and you may both walk out feeling good about what ever decision you make.

  • I agree with the suggestions that you could do the court wedding now, then a traditional, dream wedding with family (and your LO!) later. Sit down with your bf and come to an agreement between the two of you - without the pressure of family, other opinions (like our's, hah!), etc. Becoming legal first would give you more benefits. It sounds like the issue isn't whether or not you want to get married, but when.

    ...and to be honest, I'm in a similar boat.

  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

     

    This.  

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  • image CFO:
    Honestly, if you're going to marry him anyway, go to the courthouse and make it legal.  For the baby.  For legal reasons.  In case something (god forbid) happens to him while you're still pregnant.  It would entitle you and the child to more benefits, protection, etc. than you may get without it. 

    This.  Plus, the legal ramification if (God forbid) something happens to you in childbirth.  But I would have to emphasize that I would only do this if I was going to get married anyway.  Other than the legal reasons, I don't see the point of rushing a marriage.  The child is going to be able to do math and figure out that he/she was conceived before you were married.  I don't get your BF's "illegitimate" argument.

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  • Don't do it now if you don't feel ready.

    However, since you mentioned that your boyfriend and both sets of parents are pushing for getting married now, you also need to recognize that the traditional wedding may not be an option for you later anyway. They may not agree to participate.

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  • I think you are assuming that marriage = wedding.  You have already said that you want to marry him, so why not do it now in a simple ceremony or at the courthouse.  You can always have your wedding later.

    If you would have said you aren't sure about marrying him then I would have said to wait. But your hesitation is not the marriage, so I think you need to really think about your priorities here.  Yes many people have a dream about how they want their wedding, but at the end of the day I would have married Syn in a classroom if that is what I needed to do, because I knew I wanted him to be my husband. The wedding was secondary. Honestly had I have gotten pregnant first the hoopla that we did have would not have happened.  I would have much rather that money go towards our child.

    The statement about your "bump stealing the show" also shows that your priorities are a bit off. 


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  • image Emilicious88:
    I will say, it helps to have a mediator if you feel the need for one. We're Catholic, and we talked to our priest, and he was very helpful - he asked us individually if we were being pressured by anyone, because he wanted us both to feel comfortable getting married. I'm not trying to push Catholocism on you if you're not - but even going to your local church and asking the priest to talk to you about it can't hurt. It won't cost you anything, and you may both walk out feeling good about what ever decision you make.

    I can't imagine for 1 second a priest saying anything other than get married now- of any denomination.

     

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  • image kdodge423:

    image Emilicious88:
    I will say, it helps to have a mediator if you feel the need for one. We're Catholic, and we talked to our priest, and he was very helpful - he asked us individually if we were being pressured by anyone, because he wanted us both to feel comfortable getting married. I'm not trying to push Catholocism on you if you're not - but even going to your local church and asking the priest to talk to you about it can't hurt. It won't cost you anything, and you may both walk out feeling good about what ever decision you make.

    I can't imagine for 1 second a priest saying anything other than get married now- of any denomination.

     

    I would think it depends on the priest.  I am sure if it is a priest that is down to earth he may say something like "in the eyes of the church or God the best thing is to be married, blah blah blah, but I would never pressure a couple to get married if it wasn't something they wanted or if there were signs that the couple honestly shouldn't be married at that time."  


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