TTC after 35

Just need some positive, kind words....

Hi All!  Quick backstory: 

Been with DH for 10 years, married 2.  Have never really used BC.  Never noticed or cared that I wasn't ever PG in that time.  However, since getting married and actively TTC, we have discovered that 10 years of unprotected sex w/o anything is not normal.  duh.  Since figuring out that that this is going to take some effort, DH and I have gone on "information lockdown" about our babymaking. Aside from a couple of close friends no one knows why we don't have kids yet.

In the last three months these are some of the comments that I have either heard or have been directed at me:

  • "People should NOT be having babies at the age of 35.  That's just gross." (a co-worker who quite obviously had no idea that I was 35)
  • "Oh, I would never adopt...That would be like picking a puppy out from the pound."
  • "These people who have to try so hard to get pregnant are obviously not doing something right in the bedroom....if you know what I mean..."
  • "You need to have a baby! (Insert FILs name here) comes over and plays with Baby everyday. His whole life is about Baby!" (from DHs cousin) (also, repeated at least 4 times over dinner and too much wine on her part)
  • "I want Blood.  I would never adopt." (Said to a close friend at a luncheon who is also having major 'issues' with conception.  Also, this close friend was adopted from Korea. I almost stood up and walked out after this..)
  • "She isn't pregnant yet?  Send her to my house and I'll take care of that problem for him." (This guy was asked to leave my house and has never returned)
  • "Maybe you should think about kids soon.  You aren't a spring chicken anymore." (My mother)

and the Pi?ce de r?sistance:

  • "Your eggs are getting old" (thanks, Sis.)

I know most people here have probably heard some version of the things above but I'm just really sensitive about it today.

Now....go...cheer me up and tell me that I'm not crazy for wanting to have a baby. 

Re: Just need some positive, kind words....

  • I had my kids at 40 and 43.  I got my cat from the pound.  I was raised by a biological mother and every day I wish I was adopted (by someone else) because blood has nothing to do with someone being a good parent.  My eggs were old but they did just fine - it was DH who had issues that led us to IVF.  No matter how good he was in bed, it wouldn't create more sperm nor could my superpowers in bed make him have more sperm.

    That, plus a few other choice words that I can't say online, would be how I would respond to these people.  Who are they to sit in judgment of you?  People who have never been through IF have no idea about it and their ignorance is often offensive- even if not mean spirited.

    I wish you luck in your journey to have a baby.  being a parent at any age isn't easy and the IF rollercoaster has a lot emotions on the journey but whether you have a baby through IUI, IVF, or adoption, it's worth it!

    3 IUI's and 2 IVF's later- Brady arrived. Born at 36 weeks after PUPPS and pre-e/HELLP.
    IUI- BFN IVF #1 -BFP! Allie is our 2nd IVF baby. Born at 36 1/2 weeks after pre-e again
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  • :::BIG HUGS:::  Those stories are awful =(  I can't believe people sometimes.

    I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a baby a little later in life (I am 36, turning 37 in January).  Personally, I got caught up in my career and only now do I feel ready to have a child.  I know lots of women who waited for their mid-30's, and there's nothing wrong with that! 

    TTC #1 since Jan 2010. PCOS, osteoporosis and celiac disease.


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  • Some of these I've heard, but most of these I'm just appalled about. What is wrong with people.  Even if they don't know what the people they are talking to are going through it's just completely insane comments!!  As pp said I would have all kinds of choice words for these people. 

    You are definitely not crazy for wanting a baby.  Many women have babies past 35.  My doctor actually told me (I'm 36) that I'm "youngish" to be having a baby.  She's delivered a 48yo woman before.  

    The most important thing about being a parent is the love and care that you are prepared to give your child.  If you choose to adopt then that is it's own special journey to parenthood.  I know many people who have adopted, for various reasons, and they are no less parents than those who have "their own" child.

    Hang in there and try not to let these ignorant people upset you so much (I know it's hard).  But this board is here for you whenever you need it.  Lots of great supportive women here.

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  • gawd ... people can be just awful.

    my favorite line when people say such shiitty things is ... "why would you ever say such a thing"  ... shuts up most folks.

    got pg with my son at 38 and was 39 when he was born.  if i'm lucky enough to get pg again, i will be 42+ when he/she is born.  dh is 51.  i don't find us the least bit disgusting.  in fact i believe our age has had some benefits ... we have more resources, patience, and have already past the struggles of establishing a career.

    ignore stupid people ... they suck  

  • In a perfect world we would all have children when we are absolutely ready and they would be conceived without a huge amount of heartache, but I have found that the world just doesn't work that way.

    Welcome and good luck with your journey!

    DD 10/9/02
    DS1 3/7/05
    DS2 12/7/11

    Trying my hand at cloth diapering and breastfeeding :)


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  • You know what I think is "gross" ?

    Those that have kids at the age of 20. Those that don't PLAN for children and are up to their eyeballs in debt. Those in unstable relationships/marriages and think a baby will make it better. I could go on, but you get the point.

    You know, I didn't want to be almost 31 when I got married. However, I am glad I didn't marry my college boyfriend and have babies at 25, because I would be divorced with a child on my own right now.

    Life doesn't always work out the way we planned, right? How dare someone say such mean things.

    It's funny, we don't say to the young, married couple "wow, kids so soon? Do you think that was a good idea? Have you figured out how you will save for college?" Yet it's ok to comment on older women and their choices.

    You are not crazy for wanting a baby AT ALL. And it sounds like you will make a d@mn fine mom.

    good luck

    b/w=FSH 15.6, AMH 0.4 surprise natural BFP on 3/12/11
    DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d

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  • ugh.  I feel your pain.  We are 37 and 47 and trying for our first and not having much luck.  I hear similar things lately and was recently told by one of my employees that she is glad she had her kid at 21 and didn't wait until she was old like me.  That was nice.  I also have a crazy neighbor who likes to tell me that I need to hurry up if we want to have kids. 

    It's sad how rude people are.  Lately I have been a little more open about our goal but that we are having issues and will see a RE in Jan.  I feel better being honest and they seem to shut up.

     You are not crazy for wanting a baby and I'm sorry you have been subjected to all the rudeness.

    IVF#1 May 2011 15 Eggs Retrieved, 11 Fertilized using ICSI + HPT on 6/9/11 Beta #1 420 Beta #2 2167 US 7/1 TWINS!! Due 2/18/2012 Brooke and Nora born at 35.6 weeks Jan 20th 2012
  • image MrsJordanalmond:

    ignore stupid people ... they suck  

     

    What she said!

    Basically it just doesn't matter.  Nobody matters but you and your DH.  We're all just livin' our lives on our own effing terms!  We are smart, powerful, beautiful women inside and out!  Remember The Mantra for this board: "Onward!"   Good luck to you.  -Pix

    About me: A pixie in the city, 41, TTC #1 since May 2010, married 18 years. Diagnosed with, surgically removed, endometrioma Aug.2010 Sept 2010 IUI #1=BFN, Oct=cyst/bfn, Nov 2010 IUI #2 = bfn. Had to postpone IUI #3 b/c of a cyst natural=BFN. Skipped IUI #3, decided to go for IVF. Found/removed uterine polyps Jan 2011. IVF cancelled, no follicles. IVF #2: 3 great embies put in on Easter Sunday = BFN. Hoping for another chance at IVF in July. TTC is NOT for wimps. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/2fab90/ttc.png
  • image jb2rn:

    You know what I think is "gross" ?

    Those that have kids at the age of 20. Those that don't PLAN for children and are up to their eyeballs in debt. Those in unstable relationships/marriages and think a baby will make it better. I could go on, but you get the point.

    Yes
  • image jb2rn:

    You know what I think is "gross" ?

    Those that have kids at the age of 20. Those that don't PLAN for children and are up to their eyeballs in debt.

    I had DD at 20.  Was it ideal, no.  But I have always put her first in my life and she's an, intelligent, beautiful, confident girl.  I never thought I would have only one child, but it took this long to find the man I was supposed to be with because I was busy being a mom and putting her needs before my own. So now I'm 36 and TTC so I will, hopefully, be doing it at both a really young age and an older age. Do I realize that not everyone who has a child at 20 or younger is a great parent?  Of course.  But I also know it has nothing to do with age. There are older parents that are crappy parents too and that's what I find gross.  As I said earlier, being a parent is about the love and care you can give to your child.

    I know we're all struggling with TTC and our age gives us special challenges that we are trying to overcome and people's thoughtless comments can be very hurtful.  The best we can do is be there for each other and try to remember that the end goal is what's important and when we get there, in whatever way we get there, it will all be fine because of the love we all have to give our children. 

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  • Thanks to All!  I'm obvoiusly super sensitive today and I think this is due, in part, to the Holidays - family coming, we are hosting, etc...I'm can feel myself bracing for the comments and questions already.

    Really, though, thank you.  Thank you for being appalled for me.  Maybe one day I will find the strength/energy to say something to them myself.  While I have been successful with my education and my career, I feel like such a failure at this.  I have a wonderful spouse, a few extra pennies in my pocket, a nice, stable home. We are so ready for this next chapter and my patience is wearing thin.  Since we are on "information lockdown", my choices for support are limited. Your words of kindess and support mean a lot.

    Maybe I will start to be more honest and open about the process.  I would have to give that some thought.  DHs parents were raised in a completely different culture and I know that IUI / IVF would just freak them out.  There would be no understanding/comprehension on that end.  While I know that they would try, the baby would never seem "real" to them.  DH agrees and they are the main reason we are keeping everything quiet. 

    Again, thank you.

  • we're on total info lockdown too.  ...which is all the more reason we need this board! 
    About me: A pixie in the city, 41, TTC #1 since May 2010, married 18 years. Diagnosed with, surgically removed, endometrioma Aug.2010 Sept 2010 IUI #1=BFN, Oct=cyst/bfn, Nov 2010 IUI #2 = bfn. Had to postpone IUI #3 b/c of a cyst natural=BFN. Skipped IUI #3, decided to go for IVF. Found/removed uterine polyps Jan 2011. IVF cancelled, no follicles. IVF #2: 3 great embies put in on Easter Sunday = BFN. Hoping for another chance at IVF in July. TTC is NOT for wimps. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/2fab90/ttc.png
  • WOW!  I can't believe some of these rude, ignorant comments!  Best to ignore them!

    I am 38 & DH is 44 & we are ttc for #2.  I was heading for 35 when we had our first! 

    So no you are definitely not crazy or the only one Smile

  • Try y'all too close to 50 to be tryin to have a baby.  That one was from my dear baby sister who is still in her twinkling twenties. 

    Ppl just don't know how hurtful their comments can be and sometimes bighting a few heads off feels wonderful

  • OMG I want to hurt all of those people SO much!

    I met DD after I turned 30 (maybe at 33?) and even though I hated having to do fertility treatments to get DD and even though I hated losing 3 babies, I would so much rather be infertile with him than fertile with any of the losers I dated before him!  I love that I met him a bit later - I got to finish my doctoral degree, start working, buy a condo, all on my own.  Really be on my own and become myself.  Because we took longer to find each other and took the time to become who we are supposed to be, I really believe that dh and I are better parents.

    I am a college professor and 3 of my students this semester are either pregnant or have new babies.  These girls are 18, 20 years old!  They are still babies!  There is no way I could have handled a baby at their age!  I am not judging people who do, just saying it would not have worked for me.

    It is so funny the way people feel that it is acceptable to basically ask if you are having sex around ovulation. Why is it SO unacceptable for a couple to be child free?  Why does everyone think it is their business?

    ARG!  I am so sorry you have to go through this and I hope I didn't make it worse with this mini venting.  I have been there and it sucks! 

    So now, to cheer you up... hmmm...

    wow, i suck at this.  Ok, this is the happy thought for the day - you don;t know me in real life, so you don;t have to worry about me bringing you down in real life?  Sigh... How about a virtual hug?

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    And with the delivery trifecra of one twin vaginal, one c-section with general anesthesia for twin B, Spencer and Sidney joined us at 35 weeks exactly on June 18.

  • Those are mean mean comments and you have every right to be upset.  These type of comments really hurt me too, but man, yours are doozies.  How rude!

     On a happy note, I cried tears of joy today when an old friend of mine met her son for the first time in China today!!!!  Adoption is amazing!

  • I was 36 with Emerson and 38 with the twins.  This post makes my heart hurt for you.  GL!

     

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  • image ougrad1:

    I was 36 with Emerson and 38 with the twins.  This post makes my heart hurt for you.  GL!

     

    Oh my god- your kids are BEAUTIFUL!

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! EDD 12/2/14

    MFM will induce or schedule C/S by week 37-38= 11/12/14 to 11/19/14br>
    We are Team Pink x 2!!!

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