3rd Trimester

Am I being selfish?

So we have decided that during delivery only my DH and I will be in the room (besides the doctors and nurses ofcourse) but my MIL keeps mentioning how she would like to be in there. The reason we don't want any else in there is because I am only allowed to have 3 people in there with me. And ofcourse my husband is one. But between my sister, mother, and MIL, we decided there would just be too much drama to try and decide. My mom was upset and said that she saw all her other grandchildren born. My sister was upset and said well you may change your mind when you get in there. But my MIL....well this is her first grandbaby and I know she is very excited. But when I said I wanted it to be a moment just between my DH and myself, she keeps bringing up how she would love to be there to see her come out and all this stuff. Plus, my SIL got very mad and said her friend had her whole family in there with her. And when I said it wouldn't be fair she was like well your mom already has other grandchildren and it's just selfish. But my MIL came to the ultrasound where we found out the sex and what should have been a special bonding moment between my DH and myself just wasn't. So I've put my foot down and I'm not changing my mind. But am I being selfish? And how do I keep the peace?

Re: Am I being selfish?

  • I don't think it's selfish it's the birth of your baby. You should be allowed to dictate who is allowed in. 

    I'd say maybe tell them they can all be in the waiting room, and before the pushing they can come in and spend time with you and DH etc...this is what I am doing with my mom and when it comes to actual birth it will just be me and DH.

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  • Nope, you can do whatever you want at that point.  Remind them they can come on visit you before and after the baby is born, but you two want to share this special moment with one another. 

    I wanted my mom there because she is a nurse and would know if something was wrong LONG before my husband and I realized.  My MIL came to the hospital and I did not want her in the room, but then she kinda just stayed anyway.  I have made it VERY clear it will only be me, my husband and my mom this time.  And I don't really care who likes it.  You can only make some of the people happy some of the time:)

  • Definitely not selfish. I'm of the firm belief that anyone in the room needs to be there to support you, not for the show. I'm having my DH, mom, and close friend with me, but that's because I'm hoping to have a natural birth and have discussed support measures with these people. I feel like they're getting in there to be on my side and help me cope. Anyone who wants to come in just because it would be exciting to watch is not really welcome, in my view.
  • I won't even be telling my family when I go to labor, let alone even let them be in the waiting room.  I will call them HOURS after the birth to invite them when I feel ready to have them around.  It's YOUR day with your DH and you should be able to have it exactly how you want.
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  • You are not being selfish at all.  I cannot get over how many families feel entitled and/or pressure people to being in the delivery room.  Only DH and I were in the room for DD and it will be the same way for the rest of our children.  This is our baby.  Our families had the opportunity to decide how they wanted things, this is our time to decide - not a continuation of theirs.  Stick to your guns mama.  Invite who you want - may that be just you and DH - or you, DH, and one other person. 

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  • Even if it is selfish, who cares? It is your birth, you get to decide who is there. All of the other people got the opportunity to chose who they wanted in the room. In their situation, they wanted a lot of people there. This is your turn to pick, and it is your absolute right to chose differently. Why should someone else's choices have anything to do with yours?

    I also am not having anyone but DH, the doula, and me in the room. I want as much peace and quiet as I can get. Also, I don't want anyone to disturb our bonding time in the first hour after the birth. I guarantee that having people in the room would interfere with that. 

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  • This is ridiculous and I'm sorry your SIL is pressuring you. She should have her mom there when she gives birth if she wants. I know it feels bad to turn people down, but people need to respect that you don't want anyone in there. It's YOUR delivery and honestly, while your pushing a living being out of your vagina, you get to call the shots as to who is there to witness that. Good luck.
  • image babyfil08:

    Nope, you can do whatever you want at that point.  Remind them they can come on visit you before and after the baby is born, but you two want to share this special moment with one another. 

    I wanted my mom there because she is a nurse and would know if something was wrong LONG before my husband and I realized.  My MIL came to the hospital and I did not want her in the room, but then she kinda just stayed anyway.  I have made it VERY clear it will only be me, my husband and my mom this time.  And I don't really care who likes it.  You can only make some of the people happy some of the time:)

    You are so much nicer than me.  I really think I would have kicked her out or had a nruse tell her to leave.

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  • image babyfil08:

    Nope, you can do whatever you want at that point.  Remind them they can come on visit you before and after the baby is born, but you two want to share this special moment with one another. 

    I wanted my mom there because she is a nurse and would know if something was wrong LONG before my husband and I realized.  My MIL came to the hospital and I did not want her in the room, but then she kinda just stayed anyway.  I have made it VERY clear it will only be me, my husband and my mom this time.  And I don't really care who likes it.  You can only make some of the people happy some of the time:)

     

    That's my fear. To even visit before the actual delivery, people have to have these bracelet. So I feel if I give them the bracelets they will try and stay. And I know I'll yell and scream and even if I get my DH to tell them to leave, I'll get blamed. They get mad at me now for times when he puts his foot down because they say it's really me. :/

  • I don't think it's selfish. It's your baby and birth so you have the final say and if they can't handle that tell them to keep there opinions to themselves. :)

    I informed everyone from the beginning that it would just be me and DH and we haven't heard anything else about it. Thank goodness, otherwise they would have the wrath of an uncomfortable pregnant lady. 

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  • It's not selfish. When your vag is on display for all to see, you have every right to say who stays and who goes. It's not about fairness, it's about what you are comfortable with. 
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  • Not selfish at all.  I don't even want my MIL in the same state I'm giving birth in - but then again we don't exactly have the best of relationships.

    So - I think you made the right call.  Different hospitals & doctors have different rules regarding how many people can be in the room and if yours is limiting you to 3 I think you made the right call by deciding it was just you & DH.  So what if your SIL had a friend who had half the town in the room - good for her.  A) your hospital doesn't allow it & B) it's not what you want.  If SIL wants her mom in the room when she squeezes out a kid, she can have at it.

    I understand that this is a very important occassion for all parties & everyone wants to be able to participate in the excitment.  Because I'm not heartless (even though I flat out told my MIL she was NOT welcome), you could do as someone else suggested & have everyone in the room as labor progresses, but once it gets to the nitty-gritty pushing, they all step outside.  The hospital may allow them to stand outside your room so they can hear the first cries.  Tell a nurse your plan and then said nurse can go fetch them when you & DH are ready to welcome everyone back in the room to meet LO.

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  • I have one simple rule. If you were not there when it was concieved you will not be seeing it being removed in any way from my body.
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  • I know I don't post much at all but this drives me crazy/ Just like all the others have said, its your birth and your decision. However, it seems that will not be enough for your in laws since for some reason they are still thinking it is possible to change your mind.

    I would, in this situation, have a very nice but direct conversation with them Something like

    "I really can appreciate how badly you would like to be there for the birth of the baby but please try and understand how badly DH and I want to have this special moment to ourselves. It WILL just be DH and I in the room when I am in labor. You, along with the rest of the family, will be able to meet the baby after. I understand if our decision disappoints you but not having this special moment together with just DH and I would disappoint us a great deal more" 

    They can;t argue with something that is stated directly and with the understanding that there is not room for negotiation.

  • So wait, your in laws keep pushing their wants on you and you're the selfish one in this equation?

    You may decide to allow them in while you're in labor but not when you get to the delivery part.  Or have them wait in the waiting room area or whatever.  Or invite them to come in a little bit after birth so you have the opportunity to experience the whole thing with your hubby and bond with your new addition before the onslaught of people who want to see LO.  Or you could just say that the entire experience is something you and hubby want to experience with one another and no one else is invited.  You could always just let it go for the time being and just not tell anyone until after the baby's born...

    I know that birth is something that everyone wants to be a part of, but (and I could be wrong - I've never been through it before, so I'm only theorizing at this point) I can't imagine wanting to have all sorts of people in the room with me while I'm giving birth.  I'm not even sure I want them there during labor.  I don't know that I'm comfortable with being that vulnerable with so many other people besides my husband and my best friend.  Maybe my stepchildren, but I'm not even sure about that part.  It's entirely up to you and your husband.  And if you both agree, then everyone else can just step right off!  Wink

  • Oh good lord, what on earth is wrong with people??  I can't believe the entitled attitude moms and MILs in particular seem to have toward being in the delivery room.  Bottom line:  It is YOUR birth, YOU are doing all the work, and YOU need to feel as comfortable as possible. Stand your ground.  You can always use the L&D nurses as enforcers if any unwanted guests show up, too -- they're used to it.
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  • Not selfish at all.  I would just be honest that there is no way to pick out 2 of the 3 and not hurt feelings
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  • image Serpentesbride:
    I have one simple rule. If you were not there when it was concieved you will not be seeing it being removed in any way from my body.

     That's how I feel! lol

  • I don't think you are being selfish. I only allow SO in there because that is our time to hold and bond with baby besides the fact that I don't need people watching me deliver baby and after birth. Anywho, once I am cleaned up and baby is cleaned up, I let the nurse know to let the others in. That is how I did it and plan on doing it with this baby as well.

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  • You poor thing. This (along with your other posts) is way too much drama/stress when it should be a really exciting time! NO WAY are you being too selfish. You don't want to look back on this and know that while your IL's are happy with their memory of the experience, you feel like you and DH missed out on something. I would have a hard time confronting my IL's in this situation too, but I really think its important for YOUR family's (you, DH, and baby) sake to stick to your guns.Whatever you do, DON'T let the selfishness of your IL's make you feel like you are in the wrong by wanting to decide who is in the delivery room with you. That is your right.

    Good luck, and just remember to put YOUR new/growing family first.

  • image Serpentesbride:
    I have one simple rule. If you were not there when it was concieved you will not be seeing it being removed in any way from my body.

    lmao!  Love this and wholeheartedly agree.  It's between your husband and you, and anyone who's pushing their way in is being selfish.  NOT you.  

  • image LovingBaz:

    I don't think it's selfish it's the birth of your baby. You should be allowed to dictate who is allowed in. 

    I'd say maybe tell them they can all be in the waiting room, and before the pushing they can come in and spend time with you and DH etc...this is what I am doing with my mom and when it comes to actual birth it will just be me and DH.

     

    This is exactly what we are doing....if they even come. I specifically told them only me and my hubs in the room, when I am getting checked and or pushing period. They can keep us company untill then or come afterwards. We will bond with baby 1st and then they can see him. Not before.

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  • image LovingBaz:

    I don't think it's selfish it's the birth of your baby. You should be allowed to dictate who is allowed in. 

    I'd say maybe tell them they can all be in the waiting room, and before the pushing they can come in and spend time with you and DH etc...this is what I am doing with my mom and when it comes to actual birth it will just be me and DH.

    That is a really great compromise! 
     
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  • What is up with all these family members wanting to see vag?  I love my family, but have no desire to see anyone push out a baby...I'm not even sure I am ready to experience it myself!

    With the exception of one cousin, I have not even visited a new baby until day 2.  I figure that, no matter how excited I am, the new mom wants some time to get herself together and cuddle her own baby.

     



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  • If you want just you and DH then that's all you should have.  If you want to, you could suggest that she can be at the hospital (in the waiting room) and once cleaned up you would love to have some pictures of grandma holding her first grandchild. 

    I plan on H and my mom being in the room but everyone is to be at the shoulders only.. there is no watching. 

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  • We have told her that she could visit before the actual pushing and after we are wheeled upstairs to the post-partum rooms but she keeps pushing the issue of seeing the baby come out. My husband doesn't even want to see that and it's his baby. I don't even want to and it's mine and I don't want him to either. When we found out we were having a little girl (during that ultrasound), I felt she took away from the experience by being there. Plus it will be less drama if it's just my DH.
  • image TheLuckiestOne:
    I won't even be telling my family when I go to labor, let alone even let them be in the waiting room.  I will call them HOURS after the birth to invite them when I feel ready to have them around.  It's YOUR day with your DH and you should be able to have it exactly how you want.

     

    same - this is your baby before it"s her grandchild.... 

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  • NO WAY! You are not being selfish, you should tell them that they are being selfish & only thinking about what they want & not what you want. If they hold a grudge for years over this thats there problem not yours. GOOD LUCK!
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  • No your not being selfish in the least sweetie! It's your baby not hers, and as for your SIL well, let say you are def nicer then I am. I would have told her to get stuff and deal with it. I understand it's you MILs first grandchild, but (if i read right) this is your first child. I think it's rude of them to blame you for everything even when your DH puts his foot down too that is just childish of them. And if they are so worried about it not being fair, well maybe they need it pointed out how unfair they are being by stressing you out. Neither you or your LO need that and your ILs need to respect what you say when it comes to your birth, body and child.

    I wish you the best of luck sweetheart, and I sincerly hope your ILs come to grips with being told no.

  • I say stick to your guns, or you'll regret it.  And this is NOT something you want to remember with regret.  How does your DH feel, does he agree with you?  If he does, then let him deal with her and be firm.  She can visit before the pushing, but once things progress it's no one but you and DH.  If she tries to stay, let the nurses handle it.

    Sorry they're being so sucky about this...they're putting you in an awful and uncomfortable situation, and they're the ones being selfish.

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