3rd Trimester

How were you punished?

How were you punished when you were younger? I admit my mother was very loose with her hand, or whatever object she had at the moment, and it was not restricted to the bottom area. I highly resent her for it, got to the point I physically wanted to defend myself so I would fight back and we would get in physical fights. I don't know how much of it I can blame on her though, her mother punished her the same way. I realized this kind of punishment wasn't okay when my grandparents got guardianship of me, I was only spanked once on my bottom.(EDIT: only spanked once on my bottom by my grandparents)

Them raising their voice a little or giving me *the look* pretty much scared me out of doing wrong. If I still acted out it was to my room with no toys or anything until I apologized or something. I was more defiant with my mothers form of punishment rather than my grandparents and I think the way they punished me had everything to do with the way I would act towards them. So how were you punished and do you think it effected the way you acted or how "rebellious" you were?

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Re: How were you punished?

  • Not going to lie, we got smacked once in a while. But it was usually after SEVERAL warnings to change how we were acting or stop doing something, my parents made it very clear when we were "cruisin for a bruisin'" as my Mom would joke. And I don't resent them for it, there were times when it was deserved. I'll be the first to agree though, that there's a fine line between punishment & abuse. I'm at work so I haven't seen this Dr Phil episode that everyone's talking about, so I don't know what some of these parents did.

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  • to f/up to my 1st post, they also took the time to talk to us about what we did wrong & would always reward good behavior too. it wasn't always pointing out the negatives, so we don't despise our parents for their forms of punishiment & it didn't make us rebelious children who are going to now grow up & beat their families, etc.

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  • My SF was abusive - physically and emotionally. He called my brother and I (1 year apart) names, smacked us around, spanked us with hand, paddle, switches, etc., and as a 365-pound man, used his size and weight to intimidate us. I remember one time, he had me bent over backwards against the washing machine cussing at me and calling me names with his fist in my face and leaning over me. He got in fist-fights with my brother a lot.

    My mom, who worked most of the time while SF "took care" of us, was the most passive person and didn't believe in capital punishment. At some point, she told him not to spank us anymore, and he began boot camp-type tactics with us - hold your arms out for 10 minutes, do 50 push-ups, stay in the push-up position for 10 minutes, etc.

    I hated the man until his death, and even now still have some resentment toward him. My mom and he divorced when I was 16, and it took several years for me to get past the abuse...

    Now, with my kids, I'm very overprotective. I sometimes get into arguments with my husband when I think he's being overly harsh with them, because I felt like my mom didn't do enough (although I'm not convinced she knew everything that was going on) for us. Thankfully, DH understands where I'm coming from, and we can usually talk things out. And, he's awesome about apologizing when he's wrong about something - to both me and the kids. (Not anything abusive, mind you, just losing his temper or setting a bad example, etc.)

  • My parents had a wide range of punishments. lol

    I was spanked, but I never considered it as being beaten.. wasn't the same at all. I was grounded to my room, put in the corner, had to write like 500 sentences about what I did wrong over and over, priviledges taken away... I really wasn't a bad kid though. I wasn't punished often, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I was raised.

    DH was beaten. Comparing our two childhoods, we definitely know what we will and will not do in regards to discipline for our own kids.

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  • image kg_08:

    My parents had a wide range of punishments. lol

    I was spanked, but I never considered it as being beaten.. wasn't the same at all.

    This.  Plus I was grounded or things would be taken away from me.  My parents often used money as a source of reward, control, or punishment.  I had way more issues with that than spankings.

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  • image kg_08:

    My parents had a wide range of punishments. lol

    I was spanked, but I never considered it as being beaten.. wasn't the same at all. I was grounded to my room, put in the corner, had to write like 500 sentences about what I did wrong over and over, priviledges taken away... I really wasn't a bad kid though. I wasn't punished often, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I was raised.

    DH was beaten. Comparing our two childhoods, we definitely know what we will and will not do in regards to discipline for our own kids.

     

     

    I had to do then sentences too when I moved in with my grandparents, hated it then, now I realize it set me straight in a lot of ways=)

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  • image robs867:
    image kg_08:

    My parents had a wide range of punishments. lol

    I was spanked, but I never considered it as being beaten.. wasn't the same at all.

    This.  Plus I was grounded or things would be taken away from me.  My parents often used money as a source of reward, control, or punishment.  I had way more issues with that than spankings.

    All of this. My parents still try to control me with money but I refuse to allow it. I was grounded for being 'overweight' (by my mother's standards overweight was way below my recommended BMI) and for getting less than an A in school. If I got anything lower than an A I was grounded until the next report card came out. 

    I resent all of this more than spankings. 

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  • image kknapp25:
    Not going to lie, we got smacked once in a while. But it was usually after SEVERAL warnings to change how we were acting or stop doing something, my parents made it very clear when we were "cruisin for a bruisin'" as my Mom would joke. And I don't resent them for it, there were times when it was deserved. I'll be the first to agree though, that there's a fine line between punishment & abuse. I'm at work so I haven't seen this Dr Phil episode that everyone's talking about, so I don't know what some of these parents did.

    This for us to.  Just knowing a spanking was possible usually worked for me. When we were toddlers my mom gave us the 1,2,3 count and usually by 3 we were complying

  • We got the wooden spoon.  I don't remember being given "warnings" the rules were the rules and if I broke one, I got the spoon on the butt.  I got grounded from TV a lot too.
  • We got spanked and H and I plan to spank Ellie. I whole heartedly believe it can be an effective form of punishment if it's used as a consistent form of punishment. It doesn't have to involve a parent screaming and beating a child because they've lost control in anger.
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  • image Hyfagal:
    We got spanked and H and I plan to spank Ellie. I whole heartedly believe it can be an effective form of punishment if it's used as a consistent form of punishment. It doesn't have to involve a parent screaming and beating a child because they've lost control in anger.

    This is what DH and I plan to do.

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  • After my older brother my parents stopped spanking...Didn't phase him IN THE LEAST.  I can remember being spanked once in my childhood and it scared the crap out of me because it was so out of character for my mom.  She did, however, perfect "the look" and the stink eye.  If I got either of those I punished myself.  Hated disappointing her...
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  • My dad was big into lecturing.  My mom was more into guilt and privilege-removal.  Both tactics worked well on all of us (I'm one of 9 children), I think probably because they were consistent and excellent at follow-through.  If we were told that we lost the privilege of going somewhere or doing something, that was that.  Nobody "felt bad" later and gave in, no matter how much we promised to behave.

    We were never spanked or slapped, and we were good, respectful kids.  

    My husband was beaten mercilessly by his stepfather, and spanked and yelled at by his mother.  He was an angry, rebellious child and he's for the most part an angry, miserable adult who only knows to yell when he's upset.  Luckily, he would rather die than lay a hand on me or Aidan.  We're working on the yelling thing.

    We'll obviously be going with what worked on me rather than what failed miserably on him.

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  • I was spanked if I was doing something that would hurt me or others, if I had multiple warnings and refused to listen, or just being outright disrespectful. Other than those times I either lost a privilege or was sent to my room
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  • We(my sisters and I) had abusive stepdads when we were growing up and my mom let it happen. When we were at my dad's house though, if we woke up our stepmom in the mornings we'd have to write, 'I will be quiet in the mornings.' 25x the first offense, 50x the next, 75x the next, etc. I got up to 300 times before dad let it start at 25 again, which felt like heaven for my hand! My dad would take away privileges like sleepovers, time after school with friends, etc.
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  • My brother (younger) and I were pretty well-behaved, so punishments were few and far between, but different between my mom and dad. My mom would give us "the look" (something I hope to inherit!) and if need be would slap us (I think this happened once when I was 10- I cursed at her!) One time she washed my mouth out with soap (she is a baby boomer, I guess that was popular then!)

    My dad would just yell and intimidate us into cowaring away. He would also stand at the end of the hall, say "go to your room" and as we walked passed him to get to our rooms, he would give us one wack on the butt (which felt like it carried us the rest of the way!). I wouldn't consider either one a harsh punishment, but they never took the time to talk to us about why were in trouble, or let us express ourselves. That's the one thing I will do with my kids.

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  • My dad never laid a finger on us.  In my dad's eyes I did no wrong.  My mom on the other hand spanked/hit/threw things at us on a weekly basis.  She's a clean freak so if things were messy we would get it.  She stopped after a while.  We are all fine.  I spanked my son.  But now that's he's older I just get stern with him.  I am not sure how I will be with Julia because I don't know her personality yet.
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  • Ugh, growing up in my family spankings were the only form of punishment. I got spanked even as a teenager, and my parents believed that the older you were the more you deserved it because you should know better.  Our age was how many swats we got, so I was 16 getting hit (hard) 16 times with a wooden dowel for talking back to my mom. I have some resentment to say the least and will NOT be disciplining in the same way as my parents did. I will give spanks only as a last resort or if my child is displaying in-your-face defiance and disobedience, but ONLY one or two swats, and definitely not out of anger. I have seen how effective consistent time outs can be with even the most challenging kids (my SIL had some out of control foster kids, and she and her DH were able to get them under control just by using time outs), so that's what DH's and my plan is.

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  • My Mom tried everything in the book to punish me, nothing worked. I always rebelled against her, not really sure why when I think back to it. I guess I've always resented her for various reasons. And we've always had a pretty crappy and strained relationship.

    My Dad on the other day had a good mixture of being the big tough Dad type, he had a certain look that I knew meant cut it out. If I didn't stop he'd raise his voice, if I still didn't stop he'd threaten a "lickin" (spanking). If I still didn't stop I'd get a spanking, but honestly that was pretty rare. BUT his good mixture was that he loved the living daylights out of me. I knew how much he loved me and I knew most of the stuff he'd get mad at me for was because he loved me. I think that is key, it's not about scaring the kids it's about a mixture of being a parent (NOT a friend) and showing how much you love your kid. 

  • When I was young, my dad beat me. I mean sticks and belts. I grew up TERRIFIED of my parents. Around the time I hit 14, 15 I developed an eating disorder and starting sneaking out. 2 days after my 17th birthday I moved out (as soon as it was legal in my parish).

    I NEVER want my children to look at me like I looked at my own parents.

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  • I was never spanked, my dad is a very kind man, very soft-spoken and sweet - sounds like a pushover except when we did something wrong, he would change into... I don't know how to even describe it.  He wouldn't scream and yell, he would just let you know he was disappointed in you, and his demeanor would make you SO SORRY you did whatever it was.  It was extremely effective.  I've only seen him in full force twice - when I wrecked the car my parents bought me when I was 17 (after taking it to the mall when I had been told not to), and when my mom accidentally backed into the closed garage door (she was spying on the neighbor as she was backing in and forgot to open the door).  My mom would send me to my room or take stuff away from us, but never spank us.  I don't want to go out and say that 'all spanking is bad and wrong' or anything like that, but I would like to mention an exercise we did in one of my human development classes in college.  We were discussing different forms of punishment, and for each, the professor had us list the pros and cons.  For spanking, the ONLY pro was that it had the potential to stop the unwanted behavior at that moment.  Otherwise, we had a list a mile long of cons.  There's nothing else good about spanking - usually the only times I've been okay with my BIL and SIL spanking their girls were the one or two times the girls ran out in the street without looking, they would grab them and give them a quick swat on the rear.  When kids do something really impulsive or that could hurt them a great deal, I think you need to get their attention THEN and sometimes you react without thinking, and swat them.  Otherwise... I just don't really agree with spanking - but that's just my opinion. 
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  • I was spanked occasionally by my mom; my dad scared me more but never once laid a hand on any of us. I was punished more by grounding and "isolation". I was a naughty child and my therapist suggested isolation. There were times I was sent to my room, told not to speak to anyone (and my sisters couldn't speak to me) and could only come out to use the bathroom and go to school. Meals and snacks were provided for me in my room. My parents now realize in retrospect that this has affected me greatly in my adult life (I have strong trust issues - I have a hard time getting close to people, etc.)

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  • Mom spanked.  Dad was more creative.  I still remember opening and shutting a door 200 times because... "If you slam that door one more time...." 
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  • Mom spanked with hands and belt and dad worked. The few times he was home, he lectured which annoyed me more than anything.
  • We were definitely hit. My mom always had less patience than my dad. She would usually warn us first and then hit us, but not a beat'n, just a whack or 2. As we got older, we would just laugh in her face because her whacks didn't hurt too much, so then she would threaten us with "Wait 'til your father gets home"...he didn't do much either. lol I don't resent my parents for hitting us, but I think DH and I will go about disciplining our children differently. I don't condone hitting and will try to use the "time out" method instead.
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  • I was hit with hands and things. Verbally abused and physically abused. There is no way to sugar coat it.

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  • image kknapp25:
    to f/up to my 1st post, they also took the time to talk to us about what we did wrong & would always reward good behavior too. it wasn't always pointing out the negatives, so we don't despise our parents for their forms of punishiment & it didn't make us rebelious children who are going to now grow up & beat their families, etc.

     

    Ditto to both of your responses! My mom always warned and every time we got smacked (usually on the palm with a wooden spoon!). I knew I'd done something wrong, been warned and have no resentment. She always talked to us about it before and after and I think I rarely repeated the same mistake twice. I think it's all in how it's handled, but unfortunately, many parents "punish" in anger. If my mom was ever REALLY mad, she would wait, calm down and then handle it. Again, I doubt I would use that (social acceptance, blah blah blah), but am certainly not resentful, nor emotionally scarred from it.

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  • I was spanked, grounded, privileges taken away, lectured, the works lol.  As we got older, we (my sisters and I) just got grounded and lectured.  By this time, we didn't really do anything disappointing them was enough punishment for me.  I don't ever resent my parents for spanking me though because I probably would have turned out a lot worse if they hadn't.  I knew that the punishment I was receiving was because they really cared and loved me, not because they just wanted to be mean
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  • My mom was abusive physically and mentally. She hit me a lot, and it wasn't spankings. It was more like back handed smacks in the face, name calling, like OP said hit with whatever she had in her hand at the time.She was completely phsycho as I hit my teenage years. She would do crazy things like record our phone calls to find out what we were up to, even though any time she asked me what i was doing i would tell her the truth, yet she would go behind my back and do shady things to find out. She resented me because I was a Daddy's girl. They divorced when I was pretty young, and I always wanted to live with my Dad, but she wouldn't let me.  Dad was completely opposite. Never laid a hand on me. Also like OP mentioned, my mother was abused growing up as well.

     My worst fear is I will end up just like her, just like she ended up just like her mother. She even "jokes" about it. "Well, it seems to get a bit better with each generation". I am NOTHING like my mother though. I'm totally like my father. I do not have my mother's temper or lack of patience, but I still worry about turning out anything like her. And yes, I resent her for it.

    I plan on not hitting my kids unless it's absolutely neccessary. And even then it will be a swat on the butt. I plan on time outs, groundings, and hopefully I can just give them "that look".

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