2nd Trimester

Abandonment?

Is anyone else finding that some of their friends no longer want to get together since you got pregnant? Like the ones without kids? I feel like crying, no one wants to see me anymore. I don?t talk about my baby, unless you get a funny face because it kicked me somewhere sensitive. I think I need some new friends.
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Re: Abandonment?

  • for me its the opposite, I hang out more with my family then go see my friends. I need new friends anyways.
  • Sadly, I think it's pretty normal.  Kind of like how you lose your single friends after you get married.  It's just hard to find common ground when you are in such different phases of your life.
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  • Wait until you have the baby. It gets worse. 
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  • I am right there with ya girl. Doesnt help that I just moved to this area with DH so we dont know many people. I find it harder to make friends bc its almost like people dont want to talk to me JUST because I'm pregnant. I did notice however that women who are moms or who have just had babies are more open to getting together with me, probably because they can relate to what I'm going through. Maybe our friends who are not at a point in their lives where they're ready for children feel intimidated by us? I dont know.
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  • image kilissa:
    Sadly, I think it's pretty normal.  Kind of like how you lose your single friends after you get married.  It's just hard to find common ground when you are in such different phases of your life.

    I lost none of my single friends when I got married. Then again my friends aren't douchebags that make me think I need new friends, so maybe that has something to do with it.

    OP- Are you making any attempts to make plans with them? Often times when this complaint is made, the one complaining is just sitting back waiting for others to call them.

     

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  • Some of my friendships have changed for sure and I'm pretty conscious of the fact that not everyone wants to hear about me and my baby all the time but it's what is consuming my mind and life 24/7! That said, I still go to girl's night every Thursday like I did before, only 3 of maybe 7 or 8 of us are mom's or expecting and the the rest are married but don't have kids yet.

    One of us has twins and we usually  do it at her place and it's all about babies until they go to bed and then the wine starts flowing! It's just different for me now but last week we all ended up watching birth videos on the internet. I feel very lucky that my friends have all embraced me and my pregnancy (especially after they supported me so well through my loss) but I've no doubt that as my life is consumed with baby, I will see them less. 

  • image MamaO-strike:
    I am right there with ya girl. Doesnt help that I just moved to this area with DH so we dont know many people. I find it harder to make friends bc its almost like people dont want to talk to me JUST because I'm pregnant. I did notice however that women who are moms or who have just had babies are more open to getting together with me, probably because they can relate to what I'm going through. Maybe our friends who are not at a point in their lives where they're ready for children feel intimidated by us? I dont know.

    Why would your childless friends be intimidated by you? Maybe they're just picking up on this attitude?  

  • I lost a lot of friends while dealing with our losses. The ones that are left - the real friends who stood by me when I was dealing with the worst hell of my life - are so excited and happy for me. And actually, only one of them has a child now that I think about it.

    I'm sorry your friends aren't being supportive.

  • We rarely hang out with our childless friends anymore, except the ones who are kid-friendly. The friends I used to go to impromptu happy hours with stopped inviting me long ago, because they thought it was an "excuse" that I had to pick up DS from daycare. They're still friends on Facebook, etc., but we're not as close anymore, because I'm just not as flexible now.

    But we have gotten a lot closer to our friends who have kids, and have made a lot of new ones through baby groups, etc.

    I think it's important to have a mix of those old friends who really know you and your history, and friends who understand your current priorities. You just do different things with each of them.

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  • Yeah, I have emailed (she and I both hate phone calls). It makes me sad. She will never have kids, she dislikes them but loves her nieces.

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  • Meh I think it's kind of normal because we spend our free time differently now. My friends that do not have kids are out partying and drinking on the weekends; we have not seen them as much. It's really not too fun to stay up late anymore, much less try to put something cute on while you are as big as a house and deal with huge crowds of drunk people. Likewise, they do not want to have quiet nights in yet where everyone goes home by 10 pm Smile

    I do not have any interest in dumping my kid off somewhere to return to the party girl lifestyle either, so I have just reconciled that I probably won't spend at much time with my friends without kids until they have one themselves or grow out of the party phase. Such is life.

  • I think it is just a part of life.  We were pretty much the first of our friends to get married.  It has been a struggle to remain close with single friends but we managed to do it.  When I became pregnant it really went down hill.  Mostly because I did not feel good or I was to tired to go out that late.  Even DH wanted me out more.  Going to the bar does not sound like fun to me at all.  We really do not have much in common anymore.  We still talk but I do feel it is a struggle to make a conversation.

     I already can tell things will be different when the baby is here. I just wish I knew how to meet more moms.

  • Most of my friends had kiddos in the past year so I felt the opposite...the pressure to pro-create so we could all hang out on a common level. lol That's not why we got knocked up though...we enjoyed married life - just the 2 of us - for 4 years now...we were ready to take the next step.

    I have some single friends that I still talk with & are "kid-friendly" as a PP put it. They don't mind kids - but it's also nice to maintain that friendship b/c I will be able to drink a glass of wine once again & I know this mommy will need a girl's night every once in awhile after baby comes. :)

  • image weelass24:
    Wait until you have the baby. It gets worse. 
    This. It was fine at the beginning when he slept all the time because he would sleep through anything, but now I'm all alone. We have a few "couple friends" that we see once in a while, but other than that it's pretty much family.
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  • I'm not the first of my friends to have a baby so I've watched other friends "pave the path" before me and our groups are still intact. Maybe I'm in the minority but everyone has been very supportive of each other / those that have children already. I don't fear losing my friends because of this when I have my baby. Nothing has changed now with me pregnant, either. I also make the effort to make plans with them, though. Sure I am tired and must be in bed before 9:00pm but we get togetehr during the week when nobody is up for a later night out anyway so it works out. Wknds are time with DH since he travels all week for work.

    So far it's been working out fine with my friendships. But I do also expect a bit of isolation in the very beginning when I'm home caring for a newborn and not really able to leave very much at all and people are at work all day long.

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  • This definitely happened to me but when I called my friends out on it, I discovered that it was because they were jealous.  They were single, 30, and desperately wanted a husband and family.  It just so happened that I had a fairytale experience so a lot of my friends hated me for it (I stumbled upon my husband on match.com, got married, had a baby, and moved into a gorgeous home all within 2 years time). 

    You'll make new friends and those old friends will realize the error of their ways.

  • I don't really have that issue with my close friends...though I don't have any friends to hang out with since I moved out of state (luckily we stay in contact real well despite distance too which seems to not be the norm for most people. Long distance usually equals friends drifting apart). It's frustrating being so lonely over here but I'm hanging in there. At least I have my best friend with me!
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  • image Quesera:

    image MamaO-strike:
    I am right there with ya girl. Doesnt help that I just moved to this area with DH so we dont know many people. I find it harder to make friends bc its almost like people dont want to talk to me JUST because I'm pregnant. I did notice however that women who are moms or who have just had babies are more open to getting together with me, probably because they can relate to what I'm going through. Maybe our friends who are not at a point in their lives where they're ready for children feel intimidated by us? I dont know.

    Why would your childless friends be intimidated by you? Maybe they're just picking up on this attitude?  

    No attitude, why would a friend with no children being intimidated by a friend who is at a point in their lives to want to bear children cause me to therefore have attitude? Its a logical assumption. I used to be intimidated by my peers who had children. Not enough to stop talking to them, but enough that I'd not think to call them first to go out bc I knew they had different responsibilities.

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  • I had the opposite problem for years.  Most of my friends started having kids about 6 years ago and then they never wanted to do anything.  I would call to invite them to do something and they wouldn't be able to because they were hanging out with their family or they couldn't get a sitter.  Now my DH and I are "finally" having a baby (we're only 26) and a lot of my friends are pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd, which is nice.  I'm hoping that we'll be able to get together more often now that we have kids in common, which we didn't before.
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  • Okay, as someone who is neither pregnant nor am i even dating anyone nevertheless married, (i'm on this site for work purposes and because my best friend is pregnant, and I had to comment) it is tough on your friends to see you pregnant, and happy etc.  And I know this because out of all my close friends I'm the only one who does not have a significant other nor do I have any children or currently pregnant.  I am also the only one in my immediate family who is not in a committed long term relationship. But I also make a point to always keep in contact and hang out with them as much as I can. 

    My best friend is currently pregnant, and already has a son and is on her 6th year of marriage and I still go to her house and visit her and hang out.  And I will hang out with her and her family or sometimes just her.  So even though its hard for me because I don't have anyone in my life who at the end of the day is there to greet me with a hug and kiss, she is my best friend and that will never change.

    I think if you talk to your friends, and let them know how you are feeling, if they are your true friends, they will listen and hopefully hang out with you more.    And honestly, I talk baby with my best friend all the time.  After all she is the one who is pregnant, not me and its not like I have anything super exciting going on in my life.  And when we get together, whatever the topic that we discuss it is not always about me, nor is it always about her.  That is what true friendship is about.   Being there with and for your friends for everything.  And I will be present at the birth of her daughter as well..and I'm getting just as anxious as her (well maybe not as anxious:) ) to meet her new daughter.

  • I totally know what you mean! It doesnt help that all my friends who were in relationships are newly single and hitting the bars and clubs - thus leaving me behind (dont want to end up like Katherine Heigl in the 2nd bar scene of Knocked Up). I think it's easy for us to feel like no one cares or wants to be around us, but most likely they think that you are tired or uncomfortable or experiencing morning sickness and they dont want to put you out. Maybe try telling them how you feel?
  • It's happening to my husband and I as well. We've got friends who are talking behind our backs, calling us 'smug' and 'pretentious' and saying we're  'rubbing it in everyone's faces' because we simply announced our pregnancy. I don't know if it's other people's insecurities or what, but this seems like it's pretty common. That doesn't mean it hurts any less. It's a real sucker punch, especially for an exhausted and moody pregnant gal! I guess the thing to remember is that your baby, you, and your partner are the most important things right now.  We're right there with you...hang in there! :)

  • I feel the same way. Im being ignored by my friends. If im on facebook and IM one of them, I dont get a response. I dont get return phone calls, or anything. I dont understand what is going on. It truly sucks. Look at it this way though, you have your husband and new baby on the way. In the end, thats all that matters!
  • I'm in the same boat with no paddle in sight... The funny thing is most of my friends have kids between the ages of 4 yrs and 18 months.  I am kind of the last on the bus and they just don't have anything much to do with me anymore! 

    The only close friend I had that doesn't have kids actually lashed out at me and wouldn't talk to me for a month because she said she was jealous she lost her only friend that didn't have kids like her and couldn't deal with being my friend anymore!  That was a shocker! Then she called my son a problem and a nusence and I stopped talking to her all together!!!

    It just seems like with everything else life changes and those changes make us stronger women, yes it hurts but if Steel Magnolias taught me anything: "Whatever does not kill us, makes us stronger!"

    Good to know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way... Sounds like we all need to make a few new friends... Good thing there are so many of us on here so I guess all in all were in a pretty big boat after all! :)

  • At first I felt that way, but I get a lot of support from close friends. Now all of your friends are going to be as ecstatic as you want them to be.

    What's harder to deal with than friends is family though...

     My sister and her husband have been married for 9 years abut haven't been able to get pregnant. I got married this year and got pregnant right away. I try to be as sensitive as possible without talking about the baby the whole time we're together. It makes me happy when she asks me questions and seems to want to be involved as the Aunt she is. I understand her difficult pain though. She and my brother-in-law do finally have two children in their lives that they are hoping to adopt, but the kids are already part of the family. I knew I didn't want to have children right away until they were blessed with their own. I'm the younger sister and there is a 12 year difference between us. We never really connected during my childhood but lately our relationship has been growing. It still hurts her not being able to carry her own baby in her own womb. I see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. But it's getting a little easier. I'm still having a hard time trying to figure out when it's okay to talk about the baby, and when to be especially sensitive. I don't feel that I need to hide my baby or act like I'm not pregnant though...and that's another thing I use to worry about.

    This baby is someone new and special in your life and you don't need to worry about friends not being there in the same way as they were before. They can't relate because they have no idea the changes you go through. Some of my friends keep their distance because they're afraid I'm going to have an emotional explosion, or somehow instantly go into labour, or they think I should just stay at home and rest.

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