2nd Trimester

MIL at the Gender Ultrasound?

I'm not sold on the idea honestly.

That aside, she just asked DH today (out of the blue) while they were at work if she could come to the ultrasound on Wednesday. I'd personally like this to be just me and DH just like at the eleven week ultrasound because I feel it's something for us as first-time parents to experience on our own without someone commenting over our shoulders about whatever comes to mind. (she doesn't censor her thoughts much and it's caused issues in the past.) I'm just a very private person when it comes to things like this and I'm not comfortable with her being there. On top of it all, how do I tell her I'm not comfortable with other people being there? She's a major guilt-tripper and knows how to push your buttons and make you feel like crap about a situation when you shouldn't have to feel bad. I just want this to be for DH and I. Is that so bad?

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Re: MIL at the Gender Ultrasound?

  • I do not want anyone but my husband present at the anatomy scan.

    And I would tell anyone who asks exactly that.

  • Just say you want it to be a private moment for you and DH. That's how I felt about out 1st 2 ultrasounds. The first was the first time seeing our baby, and then the anatamoy was when we found out the sex, and I wanted that to be a moment between DH and I only. With DS we did a 4D u/s, so we invited a few family members and some friends to that. If we do a 4D this time around, we will invite a few others as well.

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  • Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!
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  • Well you better get used to the guilt trips now.  This is will not end with the ultrasound, next  it will be who is in the delivery room, who will be staying with you once the baby is born to where you guys will be on Christmas morning.  You need to nip this in the bud NOW and not later because, trust me, the more you let her get her way through guilt tripping, the harder it will be to put your foot down. 

    Just tell her that you BOTH want it to be just the two of you at the ultrasound.  If she gets upset, so be it. It's not the end of the world if she gets upset. Again this is just the first thing in a long line of your MIL being upset.

    Also with the guilt trips, as long as you know you are not in the wrong, the guilt trips can't work. 

  • image kmh2201:
    Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!

    I'd thought about that, but her daughter used the same Nurse-Midwife that I've got, so I'm sure she's seen the rooms... pooh.

  • People sometimes forget in their excitement that the anatomy scan is first and foremost a medical diagnostic tool -- of the baby, mostly, but also of the mother. I would not want my MIL privy to certain discussions about my cervix, placenta, what-have-you. If you don't feel comfortable having her there, you have every right to say no -- just have your husband break the news.
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  • This is our 3rd baby and the only people in the room with me for ultrasounds are DH and our older children. It's an intimate family moment that you are not obligated to share.

    Make copies of a good profile picture and frame them for the grandparents. 

    This might be a good time to tell her she's not invited to the delivery room either, if thats your plan. 
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  • On my paperwork, it said we can only have two people there. Myself and DH, that's it. I would tell her that if you don't want to just tell her no.
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  • Don't say yes!! Then it will be an open invitation to all private matters... okay that might not be true, but it would be with my mom.

      BF tried to invite his Grandma to come along since we haven't seen her in awhile... that was nixed. I just told him it's a special moment for us and what if there is something wrong... I would rather deal with that without having to have additional opinions or reactions there.

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  • image ambrandau2:

    I do not want anyone but my husband present at the anatomy scan.

    And I would tell anyone who asks exactly that.

    ditto this!  Be straight forward and tell her.  If she tries to guilt trip you, then just walk away or hang up the phone!

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  • She wasn't there when you made the baby! :) That's my mom's theory about over zealous moms and MILs! And yes, my mom is completely nuts. 
  • Like the PP said, it's primarily a medical ultrasound. It's not a fun-only ultrasound strictly to find out the gender... finding out is a side benefit.

    At the anatomy scan, God forbid something is found, you're not going to want the grandmothers there. Our ultrasound tech found that the umbilical cord was missing an artery... not necessarily a serious problem, but I can't imagine if MIL or even my mom was there. Both were worried and overbearing enough when we mentioned it afterward, they would have been unbearable at the appointment. God forbid there's a heart defect, or a marker for Downs, or anything out of the ordinary. It's your medical news for you and your husband to know.

    If you want to include any other family members in an ultrasound, I'd do an elective 3D/4D ultrasound later in the pregnancy and invite them then. Those are for fun. Not the anatomy scan.

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  • you tell her that they don't allow extra people in the room.
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  • image earth_child_101:

    image kmh2201:
    Just tell her there isn't enough space for her in the ultrasound room.  I know that the lab room I was in for my ultrasound was just big enough for DH, me, and the ultrasound tech.  Even one more person would have made it too crowded.  Plus, it's a nice experience for just you and your DH to have together.  Have your DH tell her she can't come and don't let her guilt trips worry you.  GL!!

    I'd thought about that, but her daughter used the same Nurse-Midwife that I've got, so I'm sure she's seen the rooms... pooh.

    I still say you should tell her outright that it is something you want to experience just the two of you.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Nothing at all.  If she tries to guilt trip you, well it is without merit.  YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.  What you want is totally reasonable. 

    Now I realize she might get upset if you tell her "No," but so what.  Really what is the worst that can happen if she gets upset.  Will the world explode?  Will it stop spinning on its axis?  No, of course not.  All that will happen is that your MIL will have herself a little temper tantrum, and she will get over it.  She really will.  Parents and especially ILs can be a lot like toddlers.  They throw temper tantrums to get what they want, whether it is candy in the candy aisle or to be a part of this intimate moment that are only for the two of you.  Just like a toddler, they have to learn that throwing a temper tantrum will not give them their way.  Because what happens when we give into temper tantrums?  You guessed it, they keep throwing them.  Hey, why would they stop?  It gets them what the want. 

    So again, if she gets upset,  just let her. 

  • Tell her no- that you want it to be only DH there with you. If you don't learn to start telling her no now, the next 18 years are going to be hell.
  • image ms12345:

    At the anatomy scan, God forbid something is found, you're not going to want the grandmothers there. Our ultrasound tech found that the umbilical cord was missing an artery... not necessarily a serious problem, but I can't imagine if MIL or even my mom was there. Both were worried and overbearing enough when we mentioned it afterward, they would have been unbearable at the appointment. God forbid there's a heart defect, or a marker for Downs, or anything out of the ordinary. It's your medical news for you and your husband to know.

    This was my first thought. Well, that and my MIL would never have shut up long enough for the tech to say anything the entire time.

    Put a stop to it now. Granted she will probably continue trying, but if you let her in once, she won't learn to accept when you tell her no.

     

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  • I totally agree. I wanted it to be just me and my husband...however, my MIL is crazy and wants to be in the delivery room so we invited her to anatomy scan so maybe we would get points for that and she wouldn't be as mad when we said no to the delivery room....she lives in another state and wound up not being able to make it, but we hope we still get "credit" for offering!

     

    Good luck!! 

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  • I know my ultra sound tech gives us a dvd of the appointment to take home with us.  You should ask if your office does this, and if so tell her that as soon as your appointment is over you will be right over to show her the dvd.

  • aehm, no. no. and no. Thank you very much. Thats between us. BTW: the same is true for the delivery room.
  • It's not her baby.  You and your H make these decisions.  Let her guilt trip all she wants.  If you don't want her there, that is it. 

    It will be only H and I at our appointment Monday.

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  • I'm going to invite my MIL to be there at this one. However, this is my last baby and she's never been to one (yet). We're not close, but I don't mind her being there this time (I think).

    Bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you. She just can't invite herself along and she's going to have to get over it.

  • image stw_77:

    Well you better get used to the guilt trips now.  This is will not end with the ultrasound, next  it will be who is in the delivery room, who will be staying with you once the baby is born to where you guys will be on Christmas morning.  You need to nip this in the bud NOW and not later because, trust me, the more you let her get her way through guilt tripping, the harder it will be to put your foot down. 

    Just tell her that you BOTH want it to be just the two of you at the ultrasound.  If she gets upset, so be it. It's not the end of the world if she gets upset. Again this is just the first thing in a long line of your MIL being upset.

    Also with the guilt trips, as long as you know you are not in the wrong, the guilt trips can't work. 

    This. It will only get worse once the child gets here if you don't put your foot down.

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  • It boggles my mind the lack of backbone that some of you ladies possess (OP, I'm looking at YOU).  Just tell your MIL that it's private moment.  TA DA!!!

     

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  • I usually just lurk on this board but this topic really bugs me. It's totally fine if you and your husband want other people there. It is not okay if someone asks or expects to be included in something so private just because they're the grandparents/aunt/etc. Being made to feel guilty about your body and your baby is ridiculous. No one was there when you made the baby, no one should be there for any part of u/s, delivery, labor (again, unless you ask).

     

    With that being said, I did have my MIL at my anatomy scan. My H was supposed to be out of town. He ended up not going but I still asked my MIL to be there. We have a great relationship and I was happy to share that with her. We found out the sex early otherwise she wouldn't have been there. But I asked her. She didn't ask me. And really when she found out my H was going to be home, she just assumed she wasn't coming.

     

    Being up front and honest is always the best decision when it comes to these things. Otherwise, you end up upset and not happy. Sorry so long!

     

     

  • Be up front but maybe offer to meet her for lunch after so she feels like she is one of the first to know. Just a thought!
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  • Mine asked if she could be in the delivery room?  Thankfully, I wasn't around when she asked.  I am having my mother in there with us but she's my mother, not a woman I'm not emotionally connected to.  And I certainly don't want to have my body exposed to her.
  • I had an ex who tried to push this kind of thing around, too. He was very guilt-trippy about how his mother should get to be in the delivery room and all this. I finally just made it very clear to him that there would be NO ONE in that room (if we had ever even stayed together long enough for it to be an issue) other than the hospital staff, myself, and him.

     

    If anyone were to ask me now, it'd be the same. My roommate was going to go with me to the anatomy scan if my husband had not been able to get out of work, but that was just so I would have someone to share the moment with. As soon as we found out that he was not scheduled that day, she said she would not be coming, and that it was something for us. If she had tried to go anyway, I would have told her that my husband was the one to be there if he could be, not her.

     

    It's really as simple as that. No matter how much anyone wants to guilt-trip you, or anything else of the sort, this is YOUR pregnancy, YOUR little one coming into the world, and YOUR decision. If you want it to just be you and your husband, then tell her just that. She can see the pictures when it's over. And, if that's not good enough for her, too bad. If she wins this one, she'll keep pushing other things later on. Don't let it reach that point.

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  • I didn't feel comfortable having my MIL come to our ultrasound yesterday.  I told her NO.  She still has not talked to me :( but I am sure she will understand.  I did send her the 3D images the sonographer took last night, since they saved all the images on a CD for me. I hope that makes her more excited, with out ACTUALLY being in the room seeing it live.  I did have my mom come, but come on now SHE IS MY MOM!!  I am at the point where being pregnant gives me an excuse to make bold, rash and honest decisions.  I can always blame the hormones!!  

    Good Luck, maybe you can have the ultrasound sonographer make extra copies of your little one and you can give them to your MIL in a brag book or something!!

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  • The only way to respond to people who use guilt as a tactic is to be honest with them and stick to your guns.  Tell her that you and DH have decided that this should be a private moment for your growing family and that she'll be the first person you call when you're done.

     

    This is likely to be the first of many guilt trips regarding this baby so I would get used to putting my foot down now.

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