When I found out I was pregnant I was 12 weeks along. I had to call my ex and tell him. He was excited about the pregnancy. He was happy to get the title of "Dad". Unfortunately, the title was all he could handle. Throughout my pregnancy, he would offer to help financially and never come through. He would say he was coming over (no, we did not live together), and fail to arrive. When I was about 7 1/2 months I got fed up and asked him to stay away. I told him that he needed to forget about me and my baby. I told him that I'd had enough. I was exhausted from the pregnancy and from working full time. (I'm a caregiver for individuals with developmental disabilities) I was (and still am) paying the bills for everything alone. He yelled, I yelled, it was terrible. I had our son prematurely. He was born one month early, two weeks premature. My BB spent the first week of his life in the NICU. It was enough to break what was left of my heart. Now my son is 15wks old. He's perfect to me. The best part about my life. And his father called. And he came over. And he met our son. And the smile on my sons face was amazing. It was like he knew the man holding him is his father. Since then, he has come over repeatedly. My son loves him, I can tell. The ex has even helped buy formula and diapers. He says he wants us to really try for the sake of our son, that he thinks we can really be happy together.
The other day he was holding my BB in his arms and feeding him. My baby grabs one of his fingers in his little hand and one of my fingers in his other little hand and just looks at each of us expectantly. His father looked down at him and said "I know son, I keep asking your mom but she keeps saying no." I actually started thinking that I should give him a chance.
But I keep replaying my BB's first week in the hospital. The day he was born was the scariest, longest and best day of my life. They took him from me to wrap him in tubes and wires and needles. I got to visit him every single day in a closed ward, And I did it alone. When he was two months old he contracted a viral infection. It began with a fever that would not break no matter what I did. I ended up taking him to the ER for peds at the main hospital where we live. We spent hours there while the doctors poked and prodded my son. Their diagnosis was that he either had a bronchial virus or meningitis. They began to pump him full of antivirals and we watched and waited to see what would happen. Again I got to visit my son in a closed ward while they waited for him to recover. Again I did it alone.
I was scared alone. I was terrified alone. He was not there. He was never there. And now he says he wants to be there but I don't know if I should believe him. I don't want to have him here and be hurt again. It's not just me getting hurt its also my son. It's one thing when the ex promises me something and doesn't come through. It would be completely more horrible if he were to promise something to my son and then not come through. I don't really know what to do. If I should believe him or move on. I don't know how to move on but I also don't know how to forgive him for leaving us alone on the scariest days of my life so far.