Trying to Get Pregnant

I need some baby daddy drama advice......(looong)

Ok here is the rundown.....

E is supposed to see his dad every other weekend, his dad has a 1 year old daughter with someone else. This someone else is very selfish and really has no desire for my son to be around unless it is making her look good (like they will go somewhere fun for an hour for a photo op and spend the rest of the time parked in front of the couch, he didn't have a bed for months at their house, they feed him junk food until he literally throws up because "they don't know what he likes to eat" despite being literally given lists of foods, won't potty train him, etc). They also fight in front of E to the point that he begs them to call me to come pick him up and repeats to me things they have said (he's 3)

 Bio dad and girlfriend are currently broken up for the 5 or 6 time in 2 years (they were not actually dating when she got pregnant, and didn't for the first months of her pregnancy because he wanted her to get an abortion). Girlfriend kicked him out of the house they are living in with her aunt and cousin an hour before he was supposed to pick E up for visitation about a month ago, and has not been there to bring her daughter to any of E's soccer games or really seen him since.

They have now decided to "work on their relationship" and want E to view them "as a family unit". I told Bio Dad I am not comfortable with this, that I don't want E in their issues, he has 26 days a month to "work on his relationship" and less than 4 full days a month with his son and that I think until they are officially back together they should not involve E in their desire to work things out because it is more confusing and upsetting for her to be around sometimes but not all the time, and for him to see them fighting. Am I being unreasonable?

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Re: I need some baby daddy drama advice......(looong)

  • Not at all! Your child needs to be in a stable environment whether he is with you or with his father. I would have major issues w/ diet, refusing to potty train, etc. because everything you've worked for during the time before visitation is getting thrown down the wayside. Finally, no child should be involved in any adult relationships getting "worked out" whether it's their parents or step-parents.
  • Nope, that's not unreasonable at all!

    My DH has a son from a previous relationship - the kid is a little over 3 now.  I didn't meet my now-stepson until DH and I were for-real serious about each other, because both DH and the bio mom wanted to make sure there was no confusion for the kid (also an E!).  I think that was just good sense.  

    You're totally right to be trying to protect your son.

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  • I can't really give you advice because I can't even begin to imagine the stress of dealing with what you have to deal with.

    All I can say is that I think you are 100% justified and correct in your thinking and your request to Bio dad. 100%!

    So sorry you and E have to deal with this. I hope Bio Dad comes around to your thinking. GL

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  • I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.  My DD's Bio Dad, is kind of the same way, after she was potty trained he would put diapers on her (just because he was lazy), would feed her junk and sugar stuff all the time, and then when she would come home, I would get to deal with a miserable daughter who wasn't on any schedule.  He's also has a "fiancee" that he cheats on all the time, and she tells me...weird, but they are still together.

    You know your son and best and you should do what you think is right! My DD now call my husband Daddy, as she was only a year an half when we got together and he is there for her unconditionally.

    GL with this.

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  • You're dead on.

    Sorry babes :( 


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  • image NinaBean1982:

    I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.  My DD's Bio Dad, is kind of the same way, after she was potty trained he would put diapers on her (just because he was lazy), would feed her junk and sugar stuff all the time, and then when she would come home, I would get to deal with a miserable daughter who wasn't on any schedule.  He's also has a "fiancee" that he cheats on all the time, and she tells me...weird, but they are still together.

    You know your son and best and you should do what you think is right! My DD now call my husband Daddy, as she was only a year an half when we got together and he is there for her unconditionally.

    GL with this.

    Gah, this sounds like us only she cheats on him. She for some reason does feel the need to email me to tell me about their crap and to get in the middle of mine and bio dads. MH and I have been together since E was 10 months, E calls MH "Daddy" and his bio dad by his first name despite for awhile being corrected to do it the other way around, we just gave up because E doesn't/refuses to believe his dad is his dad which is really sad.

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  • image cantalopes24:

    Ok here is the rundown.....

    E is supposed to see his dad every other weekend, his dad has a 1 year old daughter with someone else. This someone else is very selfish and really has no desire for my son to be around unless it is making her look good (like they will go somewhere fun for an hour for a photo op and spend the rest of the time parked in front of the couch, he didn't have a bed for months at their house, they feed him junk food until he literally throws up because "they don't know what he likes to eat" despite being literally given lists of foods, won't potty train him, etc). They also fight in front of E to the point that he begs them to call me to come pick him up and repeats to me things they have said (he's 3)

     Bio dad and girlfriend are currently broken up for the 5 or 6 time in 2 years (they were not actually dating when she got pregnant, and didn't for the first months of her pregnancy because he wanted her to get an abortion). Girlfriend kicked him out of the house they are living in with her aunt and cousin an hour before he was supposed to pick E up for visitation about a month ago, and has not been there to bring her daughter to any of E's soccer games or really seen him since.

    They have now decided to "work on their relationship" and want E to view them "as a family unit". I told Bio Dad I am not comfortable with this, that I don't want E in their issues, he has 26 days a month to "work on his relationship" and less than 4 full days a month with his son and that I think until they are officially back together they should not involve E in their desire to work things out because it is more confusing and upsetting for her to be around sometimes but not all the time, and for him to see them fighting. Am I being unreasonable?

    Wow, Lopes, this sucks.  I'm sorry you're dealing w/ it.  I agree w/ PPs that you're doing the right thing. 

    I also wanted to point out the incongruity in the bolded statements above.  Like you said, they have 26/30 days a month to work on their relationship, and, more importantly, if they aren't "officially back together," then it's not appropriate, IMO, for them to be concerned about E viewing them as a "family unit."  There's plenty of time for E to view them as a "family unit" once they have their acts together and are behaving like one.  E doesn't need to view them as a family unit while their relationship is a work-in-progress.

    GL, and stick to your guns.  You know what's right for your son.

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  • I don't have a child, but you don't sound unreasonable, especially knowing what goes on in their household.  However, maybe you can give solutions to how baby daddy can go about spending time without girlfriend being involved until they are truly serious?
  • image cantalopes24:
    image NinaBean1982:

    I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.  My DD's Bio Dad, is kind of the same way, after she was potty trained he would put diapers on her (just because he was lazy), would feed her junk and sugar stuff all the time, and then when she would come home, I would get to deal with a miserable daughter who wasn't on any schedule.  He's also has a "fiancee" that he cheats on all the time, and she tells me...weird, but they are still together.

    You know your son and best and you should do what you think is right! My DD now call my husband Daddy, as she was only a year an half when we got together and he is there for her unconditionally.

    GL with this.

    Gah, this sounds like us only she cheats on him. She for some reason does feel the need to email me to tell me about their crap and to get in the middle of mine and bio dads. MH and I have been together since E was 10 months, E calls MH "Daddy" and his bio dad by his first name despite for awhile being corrected to do it the other way around, we just gave up because E doesn't/refuses to believe his dad is his dad which is really sad.

     

    He cheated on me...and that's why we aren't together anymore.  I don't have a clue why she would tell me, no empathy here, you know he's a cheater, he cheated on me with you, and vice versa until we found out. My DD, calls her Bio Dad, my other Dad...but as far as I am concerned he was just a sperm donor.  He is supposed to see her every other weekend, but doesn't call to see her, so I am not going to make the inniciative.  It's sad.

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  • Babe you are not unreasonable and I feel so bad for E having to deal with that.  Does your ex have a place to live separate? I really think he needs to keep E out of it until it is settled which will never happen but one could hope.
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  • WOW. How frustrating. And heartbreaking to watch your son witness that, I imagine.

     I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you sending him there knowing the shenanigans that takes place would be worse. You have every right to only want your son to be in a safe, stable environment with and without you present.

     It sounds like this guy needs to get his act together and so does she. How would she feel sending her daughter--wait, scratch that, her kid is in the exact same situation as your son. She's a twatwaffle. Have you tried talking to her and appealing to her mom to mom?

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  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Especially when you put it into perspective that he has 4 days a month with his son - they need to be focused on E.
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  • image melissa721:

    WOW. How frustrating. And heartbreaking to watch your son witness that, I imagine.

     I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you sending him there knowing the shenanigans that takes place would be worse. You have every right to only want your son to be in a safe, stable environment with and without you present.

     It sounds like this guy needs to get his act together and so does she. How would she feel sending her daughter--wait, scratch that, her kid is in the exact same situation as your son. She's a twatwaffle. Have you tried talking to her and appealing to her mom to mom?

    Ummm she emailed me this morning to tell me I'm just bitter that she loves my son. Um wait what? You kicked my son out of your house when you kicked his dad out as he was on his way to pick my son up for weekend visitation and have not seen him until you realized our mutual baby daddy wasn't going to pay your bills if he didn't live with you and now all of a sudden you want to be a "family unit" because you love him.

     

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  • You are not being unreasonable at all. I would like to just add that it's your job to help show him the correct way of life. When he gets older, he'll start to realize that his father was wrong. GL holding your ground. 

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  • image cantalopes24:
    image melissa721:

    WOW. How frustrating. And heartbreaking to watch your son witness that, I imagine.

     I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you sending him there knowing the shenanigans that takes place would be worse. You have every right to only want your son to be in a safe, stable environment with and without you present.

     It sounds like this guy needs to get his act together and so does she. How would she feel sending her daughter--wait, scratch that, her kid is in the exact same situation as your son. She's a twatwaffle. Have you tried talking to her and appealing to her mom to mom?

    Ummm she emailed me this morning to tell me I'm just bitter that she loves my son. Um wait what? You kicked my son out of your house when you kicked his dad out as he was on his way to pick my son up for weekend visitation and have not seen him until you realized our mutual baby daddy wasn't going to pay your bills if he didn't live with you and now all of a sudden you want to be a "family unit" because you love him.

     

    She's clearly an immature a$sface.

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  • No, being this way makes YOU A WONDERFUL MOM! I wish someone had been that way with me and my brother. Usually my Dad didn't just bring anyone home, but often when things got nasty between him and his lady friend my brother and I would have to stay hidden in our bedrooms while they "talked it out". It wasn't good for us at all, I grew up with a very skewed vision of what a healthy relationship was. The one time he dated a woman who had 2 children of her own I hated it. The woman was actually pretty nice, but all of the sudden she and her kids were staying the night. So her daughter was sharing my room with me and her son shared my brother's room and it was just weird. They were ok kids, but they were treated differently than my brother and I were and that caused problems, so much so that my dad eventually broke up with the woman. Having kids around a parent and their SO who aren't in a healthy relationship is never good, the only person who is really hurt is the child. As the mother its your job to protect the child, keep doing what your doing. God Bless.
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  • I didn't have time to read all the other responses, but what I did read seems to provide you with the general consensus that your son is far more important than the irresponsible father and his significant other (for the time). 

    I wholly agree that your concerns about this situation are very justified. If you weren't as passionate and concerned about this situation of drama that can harmfully affect your son, then I would be concerned. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you know standing your ground is really important.

     As if the things like not adhering to your son's diet and aiding in potty training are not already too many red flags, I think a larger consuming issue is that your son's biological father thinks your three year old needs to see he and this other woman having a healthy relationship is important. Number 1: It doesn't sound like this other woman and bio dad have a good relationship and it doesn't sound like they believe that have a good relationship. 2: If they don't believe it, it makes no difference what your son, you, or anyone else believes is good or healthy. 3: Just as another response indicated, your son doesn't need to see this transition take place; it can be very emotionally and subconsciously harmful as your son develops and grows. 

    Since I'm also a single parent, I want to encourage you to continue making your son the higher priority, especially since his bio dad and this other woman are not. The e-mail you said this woman sent you also indicates to me that creating something that looks good to the outside world may be important, which is why keeping your son in their family "picture/model" might be important to her. It sounds like it may be best for your son to spend time with only his son, not in the presence of this woman and her child or family. If your son's father really care and wants what best, which is not manipulation and control, then I think your request for him to take your son out for quality time is not only reasonable for this time, but a safer environment for your son to be in. Lastly, if you have control over something like a trial period of observing how this goes, then I would give bio dad a period in which he must clean up his act in order to continue having a relationship with his son. If you don't take control to protect and keep your son safe now, you'll be paying for it later. And yes, this other woman is immature. Continue being the better person. 

  • Coming at this from a different perspective than as a parent... I'm the only child of a divorce situation. My parents split when I was 1.  One of my parents got it together and was able to provide me stability - the other did ok, but not great due to their inability to figure out their own personal stuff.

    I think you're being totally reasonable - that being said - unless you have legal rights to prevent E from spending time with Daddy, Daddy's prob going to do whatever he wants during his time with E.  I'm not saying you shouldn't try to convince Daddy to be a good Daddy and keep E out of the drama, but you should know it might happen anyway.

    I think the best thing you can do is be the best parent you can be. Then at least E will have one stable, great parent to rely on. If anything bad ever happens to E, you need to tell E's Daddy that if it doesn't stop ASAP you will take it legal. I wish my stable parent had done that when my unstable parent was drinking, etc.  But for me having one stable parent who loved me, was reliable, made good life choices, etc. made all the difference.  And while I have a relationship with both parents, and appreciate both parents - my gratitude to stable parent for being the one to teach me by example is unparalleled. 

  • This is very random, but I get Community News emails from the Bump once a week or so, and your post was featured on the one I just received. The subject line is "Baby Daddy Drama!", and then links to your post in the body of the email.

    Just thought I should let you know you're famous :)

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  • So sorry you have to deal with that and you are NOT unresasonable!!
  • not at all!

    those 4 days are daddy-child days, with or without the sister, but defo without the woman

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  • Lopes you're famous. This was a featured hot topic in the bump newsletter that gets emailed!
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    bfp 2 - baby born via c-section on 5.4.12 @ 37 weeks

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    SA - Slightly abnormal shape

    Plan: One more natural cycle, then move on to gonadotropin/IUI


  • Are you getting child support? Do you have a certain custody arrangement worked out? Some guys only respond to court orders to get their act together (both of my brothers have step kids and have dealt with this for years). If he's not keeping up his end of the bargain, then I say dont' force the relationship. Their relationship is between them and it's not up to E to 'create' a family for them. They have their own child together. That child can be the 'glue'. Sounds like the guy just needs to grow up.
  • You are absolutly NOT being unreasonable... I grew up in a split family home, where my bio father moved on to a new relationship very fast, and the woman he married decided she didn't like that he'd had a family or a life before she came into the picture... this caused relationship issues, which my brother and I were always brought into, and as a child growing up in that environment it was very confusing and caused a lot of emotional pain.

    We saw our bio father for 2 weekends on, 2 weekends off, and every wednesday for supper. we lived with our mom for the most part, and she provided a very stable loving home for us. If we hadn't had that, I can't begin to think of how messed up we'd be. My mom finally told our bio father and his wife that she'd had enough of us coming home from these horrible weekends, totally messed up from being told that we don't mean anything to them... My brother didn't have a matress on his bed for months (just a box spring), my room was in the basement, alone (from the age of 4 and on) so that they "didn't have to see me or deal with me", and we were constantly told that we wouldn't get anything that their kids couldn't have, because we weren't good enough, and why ould they spend their money on us, i their kids didn't benefit.

    my brother and I have grown up a lot, we're both adults now, and realised that a lot of it was driven by our fathers wife, so we've both attempted to resume a relationship with our father alone... which resulted in taking a nice walk with my father the morning of my wedding day, to talk about trying to start over and fresh, to be told that he didn't want to, and that the moment my husband and I were declared husband and wife, he was done with me, never wanted to hear from me again, speak to me again, wanted nothing to do with me ever. 2 years later he told my brother he didn't even want to attend his wedding, and that none of his family or extended family would either, so not to bother inviting anyone. my brother did anyways, and got negative replys from all, because our father had made up stories about how horrible we are and told them we said horrible things about those family members that we never actually said.

    20 years after my parents divorced, my mom is getting married to a wonderful man, who she's been with for almost 10 years now, and both my brother and yself call him Dad. He's more of a father then we've ever had, and it's wonderful!

    If your son's father is paying child support, theres unfortunately not much you can to to keep him from his bio father, but you have absolutly every right to work out that you do not want your son around the fathers girlfriend, as you feel it is not a healthy environment. if you can put together proof and evidence that they do not provide a good environment, no judge would refuse your request that the father's visitation be limited to time with jsut the father, not the father's girlfriend. you're his mom, it's your job to protect your son. if you can prove he's not being taken care of properly while he is with his father, you can hopefully work out a new visitation setup. it's worth a try. good luck! I hope it works out, for your son's sake!

  • Your feelings are not unreasonable at all. You are a caring mommy who wants the best for E. However.....the reality is you have little control over what E's dad does with his time with him. And if E is seeing you upset over his dad and step-mom and/or arguing with his dad, this may only contribute to his bad feelings. E needs to feel good about the only dad he will ever have. Its a tough, heart-breaking situation to have to send your child to a home that you know is causing anxiety and unneeded darama for a 3 year-old innocent little boy. And by your account it sounds like an anxiety-provoking, unstable environment over there at the moment. But my guess is that E's dad will not be willing to hear this from YOU.

    Here is what you do have control over. Take E to a child therapist who specializes in working with families of divorce. She or he will include E's father (but probably not the step-mother if the therapist is any good) and help to teach appropriate, healthy behavior and boundaries. A good therapist will be able to quickly hone in on which parent is causing stress in the child's life and focus on that. In my experience as a therapist, the time the parents are involved holds them accountable and they shape up for at least the time the kid is in therapy. E may feel better by having a place to go where another adult understands him and can help him vent through play therapy too. Another benefit is that you will have a professional who can document the emotional toll E's dad's decisions and lifestyle is taking on E.

    This situation is all too familiar and unfortunatly keeps me very busy. You are not alone. Hang in there.

    Christy

  • Oh my gosh that's ridiculous!  I was a product of a divorced family, but unfortunately both parents were so incompetent that I ended up in foster care.  My mom had a boyfriend who was (and still is to this day) a source of endless drama.  My mother has a 9 year old girl with him, and just this weekend he canceled his visit with her at the last second.  He sees her only a couple times a year even though he's supposed to do the biweekly weekend visits.  He made everyone's life miserable.  I love my mom, but when your parent is caught up in stupid drama they can't be a real parent.  I actually stopped talking to her for a number of years as a result of what happened.

     I learned how to have a normal relationship from my foster parents.  As long as your son has you and your DH to guide him, he should be okay in the end.  But you may want to warn his Bio Dad that this sort of drama will do nothing but break the already flimsy relationship he has with his son to a point where it's no longer repairable.   I chose to forgive my mom, but not every child will be so forgiving.

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  • No way!  I immediately thought you should go to a lawyer and get full custody.  If nothing else, until your ex grows up and can prove he has a stable life!
  • You are definitely not being unreasonable!   You are putting your child first, as any good mother will do.  I hate that you're going through this and will be dealing with this for a long time to come.  Because even if he and this wacko break up, he'll probably hook up with another girl just as crazy.

     

    I agree with the advice that you can only worry about what you can control and you gotta let go of the rest.  You sound like a great mom and E is so lucky to have you.  Even 4 days of the most backwards parenting won't undo all the good stuff you do.  

     

    Good luck!

  • "but you have absolutly every right to work out that you do not want your son around the fathers girlfriend'

    Unfortunlatley that is not true. You do not have a right (although in my opinion you should in many cases) to dictate whether your son's father exposes him to his girlfriend or any other friend. And on the contrary, no judge would limit a father or mother's time with their child just because the other parent thinks it is not a "good environment". The criterion is way more specific than that; i.e. in cases of abuse or neglect, but not stressful "drama" or being exposed to a crazy girlfriend. No judge would be interested without professional documentation or testimony to the contrary. And really, do you want your child to have to go through knowing his parents can't work it out and are suing each other? Do you really want that? 

    In my experience, kids want a relationship with both parents. Even in cases where there is significant stress and drama involving a parent's current girlfriend or boyfriend. It would be a terrible mistake to limit a parent's time with his child just because of "drama." It is way more productive (and fair) to try and remediate the situation and coparent in a productive way rather than go right for the jugular and waste effort and money on lawyers and court costs trying to get visitation revoked or limited. It wouldn't happen in this case anyway, trust me. Try a post-divorce mediator or child therapist first. It is way more helpful to try and have a professional who deals with these situations every day inspire your ex-husband to gain insight into how his son is affected by the situation, gain empathy for his son and see his actions through his son's eyes and change the way he handles it, than it is to expect that he will change what he is doing because he is threatened with loss of visitation. In my experience most fathers will listen to a therapist on some level when they truly see how their child, who they love (lets not forget that) is hurting.

    Sorry for the long-winded comment, but I am very passionate about this. I am also a child of divorce (with a step-mother I couldn't stand for many years). I am also a step-mother myself.

    Again, good luck.

    Christy

  • You are perfectly justified.

     

    They are rather emotionally... uh... retarded.. it seems.. as it is so unwise to involve children in their seemingly rather volatile relationship.

     

    Sounds like you're definitely in the right on this one to protect your son.

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