Baby Showers

What is proper shower etiquette?

I am having my 3rd child.  My work had a very small shower for my first, with like 7 people.  I really wanted a big shower with all my church and friends, but no one planned one, and i felt uncomfortable to ask for one. The second time I asked a couple of friends if they thought it might be ok to have a shower since i was having a girl, my first was a boy, and they said they wanted me to but they never did anything about it.  I heard of someone throwing her own shower, but isnt it usually supposed to be the family or friends?  My Mom was not happy when i mentioned the idea to her last time, she said "but you dont need anything".  which, technically is true, but there are some things id like to have that i dont, and most of all id like to celebrate the baby-to-come with my friends and i just feel like cuz i got pregnant before i was married i lost out on that chance, like i messed up and now i cant have that.  I never got a wedding shower either, which i understand because we got married with like 3 weeks notice.  But the baby part... everybody knew @ least 7 months in advance!  

 So i guess im really asking, is there a way i can ask for a shower?  that is appropriate and not selfish sounding?  I dont want to be selfish, i just really feel like i missed out and i want to have that celebration. 

Re: What is proper shower etiquette?

  • It's entirely inappropriate to ask for a shower or throw your own. A shower is a gift given to you.

    A shower for a third child is also inappropriate in many areas.  If there are things that you would like to have for the child, that is your responsibility to provide for the child.

     Asking for a shower for a THIRD child is inappropriate, rude and greedy. 

  • Do you have a close friend you could talk to about this?  Let her know how you feel & that you really want a shower? 
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  • image danilynn17:

    It's entirely inappropriate to ask for a shower or throw your own. A shower is a gift given to you.

    A shower for a third child is also inappropriate in many areas.  If there are things that you would like to have for the child, that is your responsibility to provide for the child.

     Asking for a shower for a THIRD child is inappropriate, rude and greedy. 

    Ditto.

    It sucks that you didn't get the shower you wanted - for your baby or wedding. However, showers are a gift, not a right.  many women don't get any kind of shower, ever, for anything. 

    If you want to throw a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born, that's fine.  It's not really a gift giving event, but peopel will probably bring a gift. however, it probably would be something of their choosing.

    Also, you have to remember, it's your choice to have another child.  It shouldn't fall on your family and friends to keep stocking you up w/ stuff you want or need.  If you want soemthing, go buy it yourself.  If you can't afford it, well, too bad.  it's no one elses responsiblity to buy it for you.

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  • A few questions. I see in your ticker it says you are only 10 weeks pregnant, is this right? I know for my showers no one even brought it up until I was 18 weeks or so.

    Where we live a second or third shower is not inappropriate. Most of my close friends registered for very small stuff and we all had so much fun at the showers. So I would probably ask what it is like in your group of friends.

    I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable hosting my own shower or asking someone else to host it for me. But if you do have a close friend, mabye you can speak to her about it and offer to help?

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  • I think some of you didn't really read what i wrote.  maybe it was too long, if so im sorry.  Most of all I want the celebration aspect, and no im not greedy.  My Aunt had 7 children, 6 pregnancies, and she had 6 showers.  I just want to know if anyone has helpful advice thats all.
  • i agree,?

    if what you really want is to celebrate your child, have a meet the baby party..bbq, whatever. ?while some people may bring gifts, dont do this expecting them. ?also, most meet the baby invites ive seen say something like "no gifts please" or "no gifts, just love" at the bottom.?

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  • Your title asks about the proper shower etiquette.  It is not proper, under any etiquette, to ask for a shower.  Nor would it be proper to throw your own.  

     Your original post was difficult to read, maybe that's why your point isn't getting across... 

  • image christina1776:
    I think some of you didn't really read what i wrote.  maybe it was too long, if so im sorry.  Most of all I want the celebration aspect, and no im not greedy.  My Aunt had 7 children, 6 pregnancies, and she had 6 showers.  I just want to know if anyone has helpful advice thats all.
    I absolutely read what you wrote.  Which is why I suggested a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born.  That's a celebration.

    Also, you specifically say that there are things you want, and you absolutely wrote it under the guise of "This is why I want a shower - because there is stuff I want".

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  • I'm sorry you didn't get a shower with your first, but I agree you can't ask someone to host one for you. Think of how you would feel if the situation were reversed and someone asked you to host one and you were not comfortable with it. It's that much more awkward to try and say no when you are on the spot.

    I do get the wanting to celebrate the baby though, I'm in the every baby should be celebrated camp. I think ECB had a great suggestion with hosting a meet the baby party once LO is here. Then it really is about celebrating this new little person in your family.

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  • Are you aware of all the time and money that goes into planning a baby shower? I threw one last year at a relatives house, made all the food myself (except the cake), bought most of the decorations at the dollar stores, made the games and prizes myself, and I still spent over $300.00 to feed and entertain 30 people. And, that was me being very thrifty. Didn't include the gift either.
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  • I agree with ECB as far as having a "meet the baby party".  It is not a shower but it is still a celebration.  Plus, it is something you can do yourself..you don't have to have anyone else host it and it doesn't look greedy.  I actually DID host one for a friend of mine and even though the invite had a poem that said the only thing they needed to bring was themselves many people brought gifts (a couple even brought food to share!).  Perhaps you could ask one or two of your close friends if they would help you with it (maybe make sure food is out, etc). 

    There are a lot of women that do not have showers (wedding or baby) but that doesn't mean those things can't be celebrated.  A meet the baby party is a great alternative if no one steps up to host.  It could be (for your other pregnancies) no one had the finances to do so.

  • image danilynn17:

    It's entirely inappropriate to ask for a shower or throw your own. A shower is a gift given to you.

    A shower for a third child is also inappropriate in many areas.  If there are things that you would like to have for the child, that is your responsibility to provide for the child.

     Asking for a shower for a THIRD child is inappropriate, rude and greedy. 

     

    Agreed, and if there are things you'd LIKE to have then go buy them yourself.

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  • image christina1776:

     So i guess im really asking, is there a way i can ask for a shower?  that is appropriate and not selfish sounding?  I dont want to be selfish, i just really feel like i missed out and i want to have that celebration. 

    i'm sorry, no.  There isn't.  

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  • image EastCoastBride:

    image christina1776:
    I think some of you didn't really read what i wrote.  maybe it was too long, if so im sorry.  Most of all I want the celebration aspect, and no im not greedy.  My Aunt had 7 children, 6 pregnancies, and she had 6 showers.  I just want to know if anyone has helpful advice thats all.
    I absolutely read what you wrote.  Which is why I suggested a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born.  That's a celebration.

    Also, you specifically say that there are things you want, and you absolutely wrote it under the guise of "This is why I want a shower - because there is stuff I want".

    I did not absolutely write any such thing!   I dont think you should say rude things and pretend thats what i said when it directly contradicts what you quote me saying!  I said exactly what i meant, and if you want to think something else keep it to yourself.  I asked for help, not criticism. 

    I do not expect others to provide, as i said i have the necessities.   But to me the lack of needs is no reason to put somebody down for wishing for something others have, which is what i felt from my Mom.  Thats all i was saying, and thats all i meant.

  • Sorry you didn't get the shower you wanted the first time, sorry you couldn't talk your way into getting a shower the second time, sorry you think it's ok to ask for/host your own shower the third time.  

    It's not ok, it's not proper, period.  

     

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  • If you dont' need anything then you don't need a shower.
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  • christina1776: which, technically is true, but there are some things id like to have that i dont, and most of all id like to celebrate the baby-to-come with my friends and i just feel like cuz i got pregnant before i was married i lost out on that chance, like i messed up and now i cant have that.

     

    And to back up ECB, you DID say you wanted things.

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  • Why not have a "meet the baby" party - you can host it yourself and it gives everyone a chance to meet the baby and see the nursery...etc... if all you are looking for is a celebration then I think this is the way to go...gifts are usually optional and small - but you don' register for this at all...people bring a gift if they want.
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  • If no one brings it up then I wouldn't recommend asking for one or hosting your own shower. It just doesn't come off the right way.

    I agree with the PP's that a party after the baby is born is a better idea. 

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  • I don't see how ECB could have possibly misinterpreted that you want gifts because you so clearly posted that you didn't.  

    image christina1776:
    ....there are some things id like to have that i dont....
  • I really don't think that there is a right way to ask for/host your own shower. I just think it is inappropriate in many ways. I say this as someone who was invited to a shower (an old neighbor) that was being hosted by the mom. Most of us (the other neighbors) didn't go because we just thought it was wrong, especially since the girl already had a daughter ( and was expecting another girl). 

    My mother-in-law and best friend/babies God mother have already gotten excited about hosting my baby shower, but this is also our first child, and the first grandchild on both sides. DH and I have been married 4 years and everyone has been waiting on pins and needles. So did I 'expect' a shower? Well yeah, I'll be honest, I did. But if no one offered ever during this pregnancy would I have hosted my own? Absolutely not. 

    I'm sorry that you feel gipped and that none of your family or friends did the 'right' thing by giving you a shower, but it looks like its just something your going to have to be upset about ya know? I think a "meet the baby" party is a wonderful idea if celebrating the birth is all your after! DH and I plan on having one when we go home to Texas a few months after the baby is born so that all of our friends and family who are unable to travel for the birth/after can meet our LO.

    Good luck! 

  • I read your post and feel for you.  I joined this site just to email you, if you even get it/read it.  My sister is having a baby and we are planning a shower for her.  She mentioned this site.  I am not impressed with this site, mostly because I am way past the baby years and didn't like the cold comments to your post.

    What is proper shower etiquette? 

    A friend or family member hosts a party to shower you and the baby with gifts and is a public way to show they love you and are excited for the new life that is on the way.  Some family/friends are excited for you and the new little life, but aren't party givers or don't know about etiquette themselves!  If your family is reading this, I would like to ask them, why if they knew you desired a shower, they didn't even throw you a sweet little get together over coffee and donuts?  No everyone is creative and would think about doing such things.

    A traditional shower as mentioned above would never be hosted by the mom to be, but why not break tradition and celebrate the part: "excited for the new life that is on the way."  It's only natural to feel that way.

    Perhaps you could host a shower with your church friends, for all the other mom's out there that have way less, no family around, really in need. (contact a Food Pantry, Good Will, or St. Vincent De Paul Society) Start with your church and I bet you could get something going.  Plan that perfect beautiful special shower you would have liked planned for you.  The way you make those moms feel will be so rewarding.  It may even replace the hurt I think you might feel at your family/friends for not hosting a baby shower for you before.  Our church does a "baby shower" 1 x a year, where they put it in the bulletin and people donate a gift.  The gifts are brought to organizations like a Pregnancy Center and given out to moms in need for free.  My Aunt hosted a real baby shower at her church for perhaps a list of moms from some pregnancy center.  They did it up big.  Decorated.  Played games, had food, prizes, gifts etc.  Perhaps, it was a way to promote life, support one another in need.

    If this doesn't appeal to you, then have a Welcome Baby/Baptismal Party after the baby is born.  Everyone loves to meet the baby, but new moms are typically really tired and overworked as it is.

    I was so excited with my first born, that I printed up Baby announcements and invited everyone casually for the baptism at the same time.  We lived almost 3 hrs away from most of my extended cousins/aunts/uncles.  A few friends from work came and close family only. I made food for 50 and about 12 came, it was a learning experience!  I never put an RSVP on it!  It was special, but I did at the time feel hurt that not that many showed up.  Looking back I realize people are busy and sometimes they need it spelled out specifically.  I planned my next baby's baptismal party much smaller, had cake/champagne and a light lunch.  I invited close family that was around.  It was very nice and no hurt feelings on my part.

    I wish you the best with your new baby on the way.  Life is so precious.

     

  • image EastCoastBride:
    image danilynn17:

    It's entirely inappropriate to ask for a shower or throw your own. A shower is a gift given to you.

    A shower for a third child is also inappropriate in many areas.  If there are things that you would like to have for the child, that is your responsibility to provide for the child.

     Asking for a shower for a THIRD child is inappropriate, rude and greedy. 

    Ditto.

    It sucks that you didn't get the shower you wanted - for your baby or wedding. However, showers are a gift, not a right.  many women don't get any kind of shower, ever, for anything. 

    If you want to throw a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born, that's fine.  It's not really a gift giving event, but peopel will probably bring a gift. however, it probably would be something of their choosing.

    Also, you have to remember, it's your choice to have another child.  It shouldn't fall on your family and friends to keep stocking you up w/ stuff you want or need.  If you want soemthing, go buy it yourself.  If you can't afford it, well, too bad.  it's no one elses responsiblity to buy it for you.

    i completely agree with both of these statements!!! 

  • image EastCoastBride:
    image danilynn17:

    It's entirely inappropriate to ask for a shower or throw your own. A shower is a gift given to you.

    A shower for a third child is also inappropriate in many areas.  If there are things that you would like to have for the child, that is your responsibility to provide for the child.

     Asking for a shower for a THIRD child is inappropriate, rude and greedy. 

    Ditto.

    It sucks that you didn't get the shower you wanted - for your baby or wedding. However, showers are a gift, not a right.  many women don't get any kind of shower, ever, for anything. 

    If you want to throw a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born, that's fine.  It's not really a gift giving event, but peopel will probably bring a gift. however, it probably would be something of their choosing.

    Also, you have to remember, it's your choice to have another child.  It shouldn't fall on your family and friends to keep stocking you up w/ stuff you want or need.  If you want soemthing, go buy it yourself.  If you can't afford it, well, too bad.  it's no one elses responsiblity to buy it for you.

     

    Wow, you guys are totally missing the spirit of this post. I was tearing up for the OP, because it hurts to never experience your own a shower, especially when friends semi-offered.

    I threw a small shower with one week notice for a military wife that I had known for a few months because I realized that she was 37 weeks along and her family was dozens of states away. It wasn't too fancy and my decorating skills are pretty  minimal, but the six of us had a nice time and I cooked great food and gave away my jams as favors with some poem that tied the homemade jam into a baby arriving. :) She was hugely grateful and I felt really good that she could have a proper shower, even without her 'real' friends and family.

     Come to think of it, I threw a shower for another wife years back when we were all at school together. All of us but her were fresh out of college and I had no idea what we were doing, but when you're stationed far from people you know, it's all that more important to do a little something.

    Anyway, I think you have every right to be disappointed from your last two pregnancies. In your situation, if nobody offers to throw you one, I think a meet the baby party would be a great idea. There's nothing wrong with registering and not telling anyone. If friends would like to bring a gift and happen to look at BRU or wherever, they'll appreciate knowing what few things you'd like to have. Good luck to you!

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