Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Does your husband sugar coat what happened?

Last night my husband told one of our friends about our m/c (she had just told us she is 3 mon pregnant, great).  The IM convo was still on the computer, so I read it and it went something like this:

H: We were pregnant and miscarried.

F: I'm so so sorry, how far along was she?

H: 4 weeks. It was ectopic.

F: Well it was early at least. They say to start trying again real soon.

H: Our doctor wants us to wait 2 months.

The actual story goes something like...I didn't start actually miscarrying until about 6 weeks, I've needed 2 shots of methotrexate, 6 weeks later and my numbers still won't go down, and we have to wait at least 3 months because of the drugs before trying again.

I know they're just details, but for some reason it really bothers me that he sugar coats it to other people.  It's the same thing as when he told someone else, a few days after it happened, that we were "fine".  I don't know if he is trying to protect other people, especially those who just had babies or are pregnant, and not be a downer.  But it hurts.  I guess I feel like, if you're going to tell someone, you don't have to drown them in details, but be honest, otherwise it belittles the dragged out and crappy process that this has all been and makes it seem like everything is OK, when it's not, because it's not even over.

BabyFruit Ticker
BFP1: 8/20/10, spotting 8/23 at 5 wks, MTX shots 9/17 and 9/28
BFP2: 2/12/11 Grow baby grow!

Re: Does your husband sugar coat what happened?

  • Maybe he just didnt want to get into it over the computer? I can see that. The few facebook msg's/instant messenger msg's I've had with friends that arent THAT close to me, I stayed away from in depth detail because over the computer just didn't seem right to me? Not taking his side, but just maybe trying to offer a suggestion?
  • I think guys do have a tendency to down play it b/c they just aren't comfortable talking about.  A) b/c it deals with their wives bodies, ect and b) i think that they just aren't as comfortable talking about their feelings.  I'm sorry that the way he is discussing it makes you feel worseSad

    TTC since 5/2010
    DX with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - AMH of 1.1 - 7/2011; AMH of .42 8/2012
    BFP 9/1/10-M/C confirmed 9/8/10-Methotrexate 10/6/10
    IUI #1 (w/clomid)-9/5/11-BFN ; IUI #2 (w/clomid)-10/5/11 - BFP - 11/1/12-No sac seen; 11/2/11 and 11/9/11-Methotrexate 
    IVF #1- ER 2/2; ET 2/5;-Two 8 cell embryos transfered = BFFN
    Surprise BFP - 5/7/12
    U/S on 6/8/12 - H/B at 128 BPM; U/S on 6/14/12 @ 9wks-No H/B-D&C on 6/17/12
    IVF 2.0- ER 10/17; ET 10/20-One 12 cell, one 10 cell and one 8 cell embryo transfered
    BFP!   11/16/12 U/S- Two nuggets with perfect heartbeats! EDD 7/10/13


    5/31/2013- My miracles arrived at 34w2d!  Welcome to the world Harper and Nolan!Lilypie First Birthday tickers

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  • I feel the same way and I think he does it so he doesn't sound like a downer.  I think he doesn't want to get into details, because it's not a happy story.

    He does say we're fine, but he knows better... It's kind of uncomfortable to tell people you're doing sh!tty and you're emotionally exhausted.  I've caught myself doing it.  Someone asks how I'm doing and I smile and tell them I'm fine.  It's not true- but it's just what you say so that you don't make someone uncomfortable.   

    BFP#1: 7/23/10, EDD 4/1/11, MC/DNC 9/29/10(14wks) Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP#2: 1/12/11 CP (6 Weeks)
    BFP#3: 6/26/11, EDD 3/4/12, Natural MC 8/5/11 (10wks) Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I'm sorry you're not feeling supported.  My husband was great for 2 weeks and then figured I should be over it.  It took a long conversation for him to realize how not 'fine' I still was. It's hard physcially recovering and still being hormonal to get over a loss. That's something guys can't understand.  We're here for you though :)
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