2nd Trimester

pregnancy ruining our friendship... Update!

This is my former post..... (skip ahead to bold print for update if you remember reading this)My good friend since 7th grade has always expressed that she would freak out with excitement when I had my first child because she always claimed I'd be the cutest pregnant lady. Well, she had a miscarriage a little over a year ago and she is still heart broken, which I don't blame her one bit. When I heard I took the earliest flight to be with her across country.When I told her I was pregnant her reaction was "oohh... sooo, what else is new?" I followed her cues and talked for a little bit about what she wanted to talk about before I ended our conversation. When I got of the phone, I cried. (I'm assuming she cried too judging by her reaction) She has never made an effort to call me since. When I call her I make small talk about regular day events, her up coming wedding, etc. and when she says she is sad about the loss I always comfort her and tell her I'm so sorry but nothing else because I don't want her to feel I'm judging how she is coping. I really really do try to not make her hurt more than she is. She has said things on her facebook about how she's angry at women who are pregnant and complain about being sick, also how she's annoyed with women that talk about being pregnant. She also puts posts up about how her body is stupid and she'll never get pregnant. ... I personally have had some pretty serious hospital visits for dehydration, passing out, and constant throwing up. Family and friends have heard and posted that they are praying for me and baby via facebook (we live VERY far away from everyone so that's why) Even with the rough pregnancy I never bring it up to her even though her support would be so nice. I'm finding myself personally so drained in trying to comfort her AND in trying to keep the friendship strong. It's completely one sided in efforts now. At times it makes me cry or feel guilty and to be honest at times it makes me a little frustrated boarder-lined angry. *sigh*I know that I wouldn't ever truly understand unless I went through it but I still hurt in a different way. I don't know, I just don't know. :( I left a part of the story out to not over complicate the deep down situation of pain and hurt but now I HAVE to add to the story... I'm her maid of honor on October 17th. OK, so I was in the middle of writing my feelings down on paper to sort them all out and gently bring them up to her. I was going to talk to her sometime this week so all the feelings would hopefully be in the open and ok by her big day.  Well about 10 minutes ago, I received a text message from her telling me they rescheduled the wedding for February 5th.... ...I'm due Feb. 1st....I texted her back saying, "oh no, rescheduling is never fun! What happened hun? You can call me if you need to talk!!! I hope everything is ok!"She replies with, "Nothing we just moved it to February because it seems more romantic to us, it will safe us some money."I reply, "I'm happy you will safe money and you feel the date is better because it seems more romantic! However, that is really close to my due date and I probably won't be able to be there. I'm so happy for you both I really wish I could be there."She replies "It's ok if you can't be there." I have not replied, I don't want to reply, If I wanted to reply I wouldn't even know what to say! I'm just shocked at the short and brunt answer.  I feel like I'm dreaming. This just puts me over the limits with my ability to understand and figure things out. I mean, whatever, it's her big day and she can do whatever she wants but I am just sitting here not knowing how to feel!   

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Re: pregnancy ruining our friendship... Update!

  • seems as if she doesnt want you in her wedding. oh well. At least you will be saving some money now. That sucks tho. Sorry this friendship isnt turning out to what you hoped it would be.
  • oh no. that sounds pretty intentional to me. . . . .
  • Yeah, seems like she moved the date on purpose. Let her wallow in her own bitterness and anger. You're putting all this effort into the friendship and she's doing nothing in return, it seems like a waste of time. Maybe she will eventually get over it and apologize?
  • Send her a txt message that says get some counseling!! I think she has some serious issues and I would have to say its time to let this one go.
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  • oh, I am soo sorry! that's a shame that she is so hurt by your happiness, but honestly there isn't a whole lot that you can do about it. it sounds like she is still grieving for her loss (which i am not taking lightly) but for her to be upset b/c things are working out for you is just sad. She should be there as your friend and she should realize that you didn't get pregnant to "show her."  I'm sorry that her inability to cope is upsetting you, but maybe you should ask her what's really going on. i mean you probably already know the answer but perhaps you asking and her getting it out in the open will allow for some air to clear between the two of you. It seems as though you should be able to talk to her given that you have been friends for so long...
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  • I know it is easier said than done, but cut off ties until she is ready to be a good friend. 
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  • Its very sad that she couldnt be happy for you. When i broke the news to my sister about being pregnant (she hasnt had much luck in getting pregnant and i know its been hard on her) we both cried about it. But her only concern was not ruining my pregnancy for me. She didnt want her issues to interfeer with my happiness. I have an awsome sister. I hope your friend comes around and realizes that she hurt you before its way to late.

    CONGRATULATIONS on your baby.

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  • i know how you fell.. my best friend pretty much told me to have an abortion or give my baby up when i told her... we havent talked since then... the funny thing was she had a miscarriage like 2 weeks b4 that... i thought she'd be happy for me but she was really rude and hateful saying i could just depend on the DH from here on out Crying i miss her she was like my sister
  • Wow. You just got dissed. Sorry hun, I think that friendship is a thing of the past. I find it hard to believe that they'd be saving any money by changing their date so close to the wedding. In reality they are probably spending waaaaaay more to have changed the date. And her having sent the message by text?!? What's with that? She's breaking up with you. As much as it hurts, you're probably better off.
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  • She probably doesn't know how to sort through her feelings to be able to communicate them properly.  It sounds like she is going through a rough time right now.  I know it hurts to not have your friend be there for you during your pregnancy, but I think right now she probably needs some time away from you and other women that are pregnant.  It's probably a painful reminder of what she lost.  I would give her some space for now it seems like she is asking for it.
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  • Total BS. If it were me I would go ahead and get all my feelings and thoughts into an email, about your previous email and about how you feel this change was made to keep you out or not have you PG during her wedding, and send it to her. You can then leave the ball in her court but also she will know you weren't fooled by the date change BS. I am sorry she is acting like this. I STC but was never one that was too upset by others pregnancies...I thought I would have more good karma coming my way if I was as nice and happy for others as I could muster. Not that it wasn't hard and I did appreciate sensitivity but I think some just can't separate their pain and someone else's happiness. I'm sorry.

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  • Honestly, it sounds like she doesn't have it in her to be a good friend right now. I understand she's going through a grieving process and that is horribly sad, but I think she is making a big mistake by punishing herself and you. However, it sounds like she is ending the friendship. Someday she may call you up when she gets pregnant and is ready to resume your friendship but I'm not sure I would take her up on that offer. It's one thing to limit contact with a friend or ask to avoid the subject because she is dealing with what she's dealing with, but this level of rejection would be hard (for me) to get past, personally.

     

  • image kilissa:
    She probably doesn't know how to sort through her feelings to be able to communicate them properly.  It sounds like she is going through a rough time right now.  I know it hurts to not have your friend be there for you during your pregnancy, but I think right now she probably needs some time away from you and other women that are pregnant.  It's probably a painful reminder of what she lost.  I would give her some space for now it seems like she is asking for it.

    This seems likely to me.

    And whoever threw out the lovely word "bitter" - grieving pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things anyone will go through. Sometimes it's all you can do to get out of bed in the morning and face the day knowing everyone around you is getting the one thing you want most in the world.

    It's not bitter - it's pure heartbreak. It's heartbreak beyond words. And that doesn't always leave room for grace or even the ability to be a good friend. Sometimes you just have to guard the little pieces of your heart that are left, whatever the cost to others.

    It's not fair to you, OP, but then, it's not fair that she is going through this either.

    ETA: I am guilty of pushing away friends as well. But they had the compassion to realize it wasn't personal. They gave me space, checked in now and again, and were ready and happy to catch up when I was emotionally in a place to do it again. I will never forget that. 

  • It very much sounds like she did this on purpose just so you won't be able to go to her wedding.  Well..good news is that you are saving the travel costs and now you can spend them on your LO.  I have somewhat of a short fuse so I would have already blasted the b!tch.  You said above that you don't understand what she's going through so you are trying to be extra supportive - that's a wonderful friend of you.  I have been through a m/c...as have many women on here, and I think she is being a completly selfish, stuck-up b!tch.  I did have a friend who was pregnant when I had my m/c and never once did I let her pregnancy affect me.  I was devestated and depressed when I had my m/c, it took me a while to move on, I hated seeing pregnant women, getting baby emails, etc.  But never once would I ever dream of shutting my friend out or avoiding her because she was having her baby and I wasn't.  And the reason why I never felt this way is because the m/c was the most devestating thing I've ever had happen to me and I would never wish that upon anyone else and while I was suffering I had no right to try and make anyone else suffer along with me.  She needs some serious help if she can't live with the fact that the people around her will continue to live their lives. 

    It's very sad to say but sometimes big events in life can bring out the best and worst in people and make you realize who your true friends are. 

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  • (Sorry LONG) Hi, it's possible she is just hurting so much that this is her way of dealing with it? Obviously it's not a good way to deal with it but maybe she didn't want to talk to you about it. I had a miscarriage in January of this year and am very blessed to be pregnant again. It is a very hard loss to go through and some have a much harder time getting over it. If she is still hurting a year later it would probably be a good idea for her to see a therapist or join a support group - but this is probably not something she would like to hear from her pregnant friend. Also I have a friend who has wanted to start a family for four years now but her and her husband say they don't have enough money. So she is sad about that and also her marriage really has not been good for more than a year now. So I haven't even seen her since before I got pregnant which is the longest we've not seen each other. But every time I think about asking her to get together I worry it will hurt her to see me pregnant. So maybe that could help you see another side?  I hope it all works out for you both and your friendship. Maybe just give her some time (however long she needs) and she'll come around? I wouldn't exhaust yourself trying to save the friendship right now. Hope your health and pregnancy are better! GL!
  • Im so sorry.  Maybe you dont need to deal with it at all.  I would quit making any effort to contact her and see what happens; if she wants to be friends, the ball can be in her court.  She may just need space.
  • image BNB12:
    (Sorry LONG)  If she is still hurting a year later it would probably be a good idea for her to see a therapist or join a support group - but this is probably not something she would like to hear from her pregnant friend.

    This.  It doesn't sound like she's in a place where she can be friends with you right now, and I'd probably let it go.  I can understand her thinking it'd be hard to have a pregnant MOH at her wedding, but honestly, (granted, never having suffered a m/c) she should have handled that better.  People are going to get pregnant - you don't need to 'get over it' or forget a loss, but you need to continue to live your life. 

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  • image TripMomma:
    Total BS. If it were me I would go ahead and get all my feelings and thoughts into an email, about your previous email and about how you feel this change was made to keep you out or not have you PG during her wedding, and send it to her. You can then leave the ball in her court but also she will know you weren't fooled by the date change BS. I am sorry she is acting like this. I STC but was never one that was too upset by others pregnancies...I thought I would have more good karma coming my way if I was as nice and happy for others as I could muster. Not that it wasn't hard and I did appreciate sensitivity but I think some just can't separate their pain and someone else's happiness. I'm sorry.

     

    This. If you don't tell her how you feel about the situation, and you two don't get things out in the open, you'll always wonder how it would have ended up. To be someones MOH, and then get shut out completely because you're pregnant is craziness. It sounds like you've been a great friend to her, but it's okay to tell her how you feel. She still has healing to do - but that doesn't give her an excuse to be crappy to her friend for no reason at all. Good luck.

  • image ambrandau2:


    ETA: I am guilty of pushing away friends as well. But they had the compassion to realize it wasn't personal. They gave me space, checked in now and again, and were ready and happy to catch up when I was emotionally in a place to do it again. I will never forget that. 

    Those were the best friends I had during my loss.  The ones that understood it wasn't personal, but I just needed time to come to grips with what happened.  The ones that fell right back in sync with me once I was able to be a friend again. 

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  • I am so sorry!  You sound like an awesome friend for trying to work things out while she sounds bitter.  I would bake her a really pretty cake since you're an awesome cake decorator and then put "you're a b*tch" on it and then send it to her.  Okay bad idea.  All kidding aside,  I am truly sorry and if I was in Dallas I would come give you a hug.  I lost my best friend last year due to lies and deception.  I still think about her and miss her.  It's hard but sometimes you have to cut off the bad ones...
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  • image spursgirl10:
    I am so sorry!  You sound like an awesome friend for trying to work things out while she sounds bitter.  I would bake her a really pretty cake since you're an awesome cake decorator and then put "you're a b*tch" on it and then send it to her.  Okay bad idea.  All kidding aside,  I am truly sorry and if I was in Dallas I would come give you a hug.  I lost my best friend last year due to lies and deception.  I still think about her and miss her.  It's hard but sometimes you have to cut off the bad ones...

    Are you kidding me?!

    This woman is dealing with the grief from losing her baby. It's not "lies and deception," she is broken hearted and hurting.

    She may be being unfair, (and I don't really believe grief allows for much fair or grace, to be honest), but she is in a lot of emotional pain and dealing with something you better hope you never have to.

    Wow.

  • image kilissa:
    She probably doesn't know how to sort through her feelings to be able to communicate them properly.  It sounds like she is going through a rough time right now.  I know it hurts to not have your friend be there for you during your pregnancy, but I think right now she probably needs some time away from you and other women that are pregnant.  It's probably a painful reminder of what she lost.  I would give her some space for now it seems like she is asking for it.

    ya i agree. and in response to the "she's a bad friend ditch her" comments.

    i don't agree at all. this friend is obviously having an extraordinarily difficult time. and even tho she isn't handling it  well doesn't mean she doesn't care about her friend. if anything the fact that its so rough on her is probably a good sign that she really cares about you. because she probably doesn't give a shizzz about other womens pregnancies. if that makes sense??? idk.

     

  • image ambrandau2:

    image kilissa:
    She probably doesn't know how to sort through her feelings to be able to communicate them properly.  It sounds like she is going through a rough time right now.  I know it hurts to not have your friend be there for you during your pregnancy, but I think right now she probably needs some time away from you and other women that are pregnant.  It's probably a painful reminder of what she lost.  I would give her some space for now it seems like she is asking for it.

    This seems likely to me.

    And whoever threw out the lovely word "bitter" - grieving pregnancy loss is one of the hardest things anyone will go through. Sometimes it's all you can do to get out of bed in the morning and face the day knowing everyone around you is getting the one thing you want most in the world.

    It's not bitter - it's pure heartbreak. It's heartbreak beyond words. And that doesn't always leave room for grace or even the ability to be a good friend. Sometimes you just have to guard the little pieces of your heart that are left, whatever the cost to others.

    It's not fair to you, OP, but then, it's not fair that she is going through this either.

    ETA: I am guilty of pushing away friends as well. But they had the compassion to realize it wasn't personal. They gave me space, checked in now and again, and were ready and happy to catch up when I was emotionally in a place to do it again. I will never forget that. 

     

     

    Yes 

  • image ambrandau2:

    image spursgirl10:
    I am so sorry!  You sound like an awesome friend for trying to work things out while she sounds bitter.  I would bake her a really pretty cake since you're an awesome cake decorator and then put "you're a b*tch" on it and then send it to her.  Okay bad idea.  All kidding aside,  I am truly sorry and if I was in Dallas I would come give you a hug.  I lost my best friend last year due to lies and deception.  I still think about her and miss her.  It's hard but sometimes you have to cut off the bad ones...

    Are you kidding me?!

    This woman is dealing with the grief from losing her baby. It's not "lies and deception," she is broken hearted and hurting.

    She may be being unfair, (and I don't really believe grief allows for much fair or grace, to be honest), but she is in a lot of emotional pain and dealing with something you better hope you never have to.

    Wow.

    Okay first of all,  I never said her friend and my friend were anything alike.  I was relating to how THIS person feels as far as losing a close friend or a friend shutting you out.  I never said her friend was a liar or was deceiving.  I don't know her to say that.  I do know, based on what I have read, how she is treating her friend here.  And I am sorry,  it's not cool.  I don't care how you spell it out for me.  Don't make me sound like an insensitive *** because I have been pregnant 6 times and have ONE child...so you do the math.  I know what it's like to lose something you so desperately wanted.  BUT never not once, did I treat people like crap over it.  I didn't shut people out.  I didn't blame others or get jealous over it.  I always felt like their was higher being watching out for me.  Yes we all react different.  BUT good lord, your friends are the last thing you ever want to crap on. 

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  •          Ok ladies, my initial shock has worn off. I've also been able to have a long talk with my husband about it all. I ended up crying... cried long and hard. Crying and talking to my husband has made me feel better. Soooo....

    I ended up calling her mom. Her parents have always told me they consider me to be another one of their daughters. Her and I talked for about an hour. She told me how happy she is that I'm in her daughters life, that I've always been there for her and true friends are hard to come by. Then her mom said something that surprised me... She told me thank you for calling her rather than her daughter. That she believes that shows that I don't want her daughter to hurt more than she is. ( which are my true intentions, I just want her to be happy again ) She then proceeded to tell me how hard of a time she is having. That her daughter really is confused how to handle her pain in front of me because it would make her cry and in turn she's scare it would make me sad or angry. She explained that her daughter is confused on how to act in this situation and that she's said that she just wants to run away for awhile. We talked about a ton of other stuff also, too much to write. 

     With talking to her mom, who knows both sides of the story now, she has assured me to let my mind rest on the situation. That her daughter truly wants me to be there and still considers me her best friend. She put it in a way that makes me feel at ease. She said her daughter is on what she jokingly called "vacation"... where she will heal, bond with husband to be over a loss that they have gone through together, and hopefully find hope in her new mind set. She urged me to go on "vacation" myself. Where I will allow myself to truly enjoy the miracle of life. Our vacations are different destinations but when it's time we both will return home. 

    So here's to "vacation" but I hope she able to come home soon. I just love her mom! :) 


    But thank you ladies for all your posts they help no matter what side of the fence you are on, gotta hear both sides before you can come to a conclusion. :) 


  • OP, you seem like an awesome friend.  I am sorry you two are going through this difficulty in your friendship.  I really hope it all works out.  Just to say, when I experienced my losses, it was the darkest worst time of my life, and I have gone through some difficult times.   Good luck to you both.
  • image KelleyBelly11:

             Ok ladies, my initial shock has worn off. I've also been able to have a long talk with my husband about it all. I ended up crying... cried long and hard. Crying and talking to my husband has made me feel better. Soooo....

    I ended up calling her mom. Her parents have always told me they consider me to be another one of their daughters. Her and I talked for about an hour. She told me how happy she is that I'm in her daughters life, that I've always been there for her and true friends are hard to come by. Then her mom said something that surprised me... She told me thank you for calling her rather than her daughter. That she believes that shows that I don't want her daughter to hurt more than she is. ( which are my true intentions, I just want her to be happy again ) She then proceeded to tell me how hard of a time she is having. That her daughter really is confused how to handle her pain in front of me because it would make her cry and in turn she's scare it would make me sad or angry. She explained that her daughter is confused on how to act in this situation and that she's said that she just wants to run away for awhile. We talked about a ton of other stuff also, too much to write. 

     With talking to her mom, who knows both sides of the story now, she has assured me to let my mind rest on the situation. That her daughter truly wants me to be there and still considers me her best friend. She put it in a way that makes me feel at ease. She said her daughter is on what she jokingly called "vacation"... where she will heal, bond with husband to be over a loss that they have gone through together, and hopefully find hope in her new mind set. She urged me to go on "vacation" myself. Where I will allow myself to truly enjoy the miracle of life. Our vacations are different destinations but when it's time we both will return home. 

    So here's to "vacation" but I hope she able to come home soon. I just love her mom! :) 


    But thank you ladies for all your posts they help no matter what side of the fence you are on, gotta hear both sides before you can come to a conclusion. :) 

     

    that was a wonderful way to handle it. maybe her mom can encourage her in a positive direction with you friendship. 

    i know when i hada similar situation my mom was all over me trying to get me to be a better friend.... i haven't done it.

    buuuut. i know she's right. 

  • image spursgirl10:
    image ambrandau2:

    image spursgirl10:
    I am so sorry!  You sound like an awesome friend for trying to work things out while she sounds bitter.  I would bake her a really pretty cake since you're an awesome cake decorator and then put "you're a b*tch" on it and then send it to her.  Okay bad idea.  All kidding aside,  I am truly sorry and if I was in Dallas I would come give you a hug.  I lost my best friend last year due to lies and deception.  I still think about her and miss her.  It's hard but sometimes you have to cut off the bad ones...

    Are you kidding me?!

    This woman is dealing with the grief from losing her baby. It's not "lies and deception," she is broken hearted and hurting.

    She may be being unfair, (and I don't really believe grief allows for much fair or grace, to be honest), but she is in a lot of emotional pain and dealing with something you better hope you never have to.

    Wow.

    Okay first of all,  I never said her friend and my friend were anything alike.  I was relating to how THIS person feels as far as losing a close friend or a friend shutting you out.  I never said her friend was a liar or was deceiving.  I don't know her to say that.  I do know, based on what I have read, how she is treating her friend here.  And I am sorry,  it's not cool.  I don't care how you spell it out for me.  Don't make me sound like an insensitive *** because I have been pregnant 6 times and have ONE child...so you do the math.  I know what it's like to lose something you so desperately wanted.  BUT never not once, did I treat people like crap over it.  I didn't shut people out.  I didn't blame others or get jealous over it.  I always felt like their was higher being watching out for me.  Yes we all react different.  BUT good lord, your friends are the last thing you ever want to crap on. 

    You called a woman you don't, even know, going through something you don't have all the details on, a bitter b!tch. In my book, that makes you pretty insensitive.

     

  • That really stinks, but I kind of know how you feel.  I am going through something similar.. not the same for sure, with on of my long time friends.  I think you need to tell her how you feel.  I mean she has no problem telling you how she feels.  And isn't that what friends are for?  If she can't be happy for you, she isn't a good friend, I do think the wedding date change is deliberate, and that's a shame. But shame on her for treating you this way.  It's not like you caused her to loose her baby.  And I agree with one of the other posts, she does need some sort of counseling to help her heal, otherwise she will have this sour outlook on everything, and even when she does get pregnant again, she won't truly be able to appreciate that baby.  You really need to talk to her.. email her, text her, call her, IDK but communicate how you feel and how she is making you feel.. at the very least you will know you tried to save your friendship.
  • sometimes it takes situations like these to make you realize who your true friends are. i mean granted she might just be upset about you being pregnant and her not being able to get pregnant but if she is your true friend then i think eventually she will come out of her senses and realize that how she is acting is hurting you. the same thing happened to me when i got engaged shortly after a friend of mine did and she pretty much went off on me about how it was too soon for me to get married and i should've been dating my husband a lot longer... but at the same time she is engaged to someone that she recently started dating too.. so it was wrong on her part.. but eventually she apologized and i didnt hold a grudge! some people just know how to react in those situations, especially when all of the attention gets turned off of them. Good luck though! 
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