January 2011 Moms

22 weeks and I don't want to talk about it... (This is sad, sorry)

A month ago, my SIL had lost her DD during delivery at full term. It's completely heartbreaking. She blames herself, which is totally unreasonable. Now, the entire family keeps trying to reassure me that my baby is going to be okay. I didn't ask for any reassurance! I don't want SIL to feel like she has to talk to me about my pregnancy! The DNA test came back with no abnormalities and SIL called to tell me not to worry. I know she's coping, but what do I say? The autopsy report was inconclusive. It only said Alexa's heart had stopped just a couple hours before her delivery. The night before delivery, SIL called the hospital about coming in and this stupid on-call doctor said no, wait until morning. There are always if's and would-haves, and now my family thinks Alexa might be alive today, if not for that idiot doctor. We're all just angry. I spoke to SIL yesterday and she was crying and telling me to go in no matter what. I haven't been sleeping. Losing Alexa has been so painful for all of us and now the back of my mind hangs on to this horrible fear for my LO. I've been so stressed, but I want to be there for my brother and SIL. I don't want to tell my family and shift attention...
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Re: 22 weeks and I don't want to talk about it... (This is sad, sorry)

  • You might want to put "Sad" in the subject line b/c a lot of people don't like reading stuff like this.

    Sorry about what your going through and T&P with your family

  • If you need to be extra cautious who could blame you?  That is a heartbreaking situation.  Do what you need to in order to feel reassured your LO is ok.  Taking care of yourself or confiding your fears is not shifting attention.  Letting yourself get stressed out is not healthy for you or your LO. 
  • Life is full of what ifs and could haves.  Having a baby is no different.  I realize it must be so much more real for you since you have had to experience the loss of a baby first hand.  But we are fragile creatures and if you spend you life wondering what might happen to you because it happened to someone else, you will just make your own life miserable.
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  • That would be awful.  Sorry you're going through that, especially while pregnant.
  • image laceyjean1:
    Life is full of what ifs and could haves.  Having a baby is no different.  I realize it must be so much more real for you since you have had to experience the loss of a baby first hand.  But we are fragile creatures and if you spend you life wondering what might happen to you because it happened to someone else, you will just make your own life miserable.

    Agree with all this. I hope your SIL is in counseling, and you may benefit from some as well, after such a deeply tragic event that has affected you so personally. And also because the worry doesn't stop after they're born, unfortunately... it just gets stronger... so it would be great to develop some skills now to deal with that.

    On a personal level, I do understand, as I have a 30 year old friend dying of cancer right now and leaving her 2 babies behind. I've been dealing with a lot of paranoia and fears about my own health, as a result. It's hard to deal with such tragedies anytime, but even worse when your body is already raging with pregnancy hormones. Thinking of you and your family...

  • i am so sorry that your family is going through something like this. i agree with the pp's that you and your SIL could benifit from therapy. my T&P's are with you all.

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  • I am so sorry!  Like the others said, therapy may be the best thing for your SIL right now.  My bestfriend and his wife tried to get pregnant for 4 years.  She finally got pregnant and went in to give birth to their baby boy back in June and her heart stopped 45 minutes after having the baby.  After being on life support for two weeks, they had to finally face the fact that she was no longer alive.  The autopsy came back inconclusive, and nobody can figure out why she would day right after giving birth.  She was healthy, never had health issues, 33 years old, and the baby was healthy!  Of course this scared the crap out of me, especially considering I had just found out I was pregnant less than a month earlier.  Lilke you, I did not need reassurance, and I did not want to talk to anybody about the situation.  Everybody's pregnancy and delivery is different.  Although there are some tragedies, there are also millons of healthy births every year.  Please don't stress yourself out worrying.
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  • image kristi1613:
    The night before delivery, SIL called the hospital about coming in and this stupid on-call doctor said no, wait until morning.

    This is a horrible thing to happen to your family, and its sad because we trust what Drs say and sometimes they are wrong.  all i can tell you is that only you know your body and you'll know if something isn't right.  for example: when my step-mom was pregnant with my little sister she had a feeling that something was wrong but the drs said it was too early and she should just go home and relax.  instead of listening to them she stayed and made them take a look and good thing they did b/c she came early and who knows what would of happened if she had listened to the drs over her body.  i know it's easier said than done, but try not to stress about this b/c its hard on your baby when you stress.  i'm living proof of that DD was 3 weeks early due to stress.  i know you don't want to talk to your family about this but make sure you're at least talking to DH b/c he is probably in the same boat.  we are all here to listen, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  

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  • How heartbreaking.  I'm sorry you're in this difficult spot.  You want to be happy and optimistic during your pregnancy, but knowing this tragic story makes it hard. 

    This may sound lame, but there is a "mantra" that is tossed around on the PgAL board that says my past does not dictate my future.  As in just because I had a miscarriage before, doesn't mean I will again.  The same goes for your situation - your SIL has suffered greatly, but it doesn't mean you will.  Try to stay positive.   

    Missed m/c 3/20/09 | Missed m/c 8/28/09

    Buddies with the fabulous mlmtgg!
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  • I didn't think about adding a warning to the subject line, I know it's hard for all of us to think about these things... Sorry about that.

     I just started realizing how much it's affected me... there are never too many prayers for hurting mothers, my SIL is an amazing woman. She and my brother have a great church, but I think they haven't felt ready to start counseling. I just started talking more to DH about it, now that I realize I needed to. Thank you so much for your support. I just feel awkward having my little one on the way and trying to be there for her. The next time I fly home, my mom is planning a baby shower... I want to share the excitement with my friends and family, but part of me just wants to hide it away to protect SIL. I sound crazy.

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  • I can understand your not wanting to get into it right now with your family, given the situation and the newness of it all. It is still a very raw wound for you all! I would talk to maybe one person in the fam that you are close to, and your DH. Maybe get a doppler so you can give yourself some peace of mind? Also, I would bring it up with your doctor. Maybe just to say that given what has happened, you would feel more comfortable coming in early on in labour. Even if you can go in to get heartrates checked and then go home for a bit to relax, it might help you be at ease. A stressed out mama is no good for anyone! 

    Good luck to you and I really hope your SIL gets some help dealing because it must be so overwhelming at this point. 

    Stay positive!   

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  • I understand what your going through!  My mother gave birth twice, both 2 months early and lost both babies.  They, to this day even after reviewing her record after I got pregnant, have no idea why she went into labor early.  Doctors couldn't stop the labor.  She was on bedrest with both me and my brother the full pregnancy, and was on steroids to help us develop faster.  While my mother is completely happy with the two babies she did have that survived, I can tell that she worries about me.  I think it also causes her a little pain- I make an effort to not tell her things that are going to make her worry.  The difference is that your SIL's loss is so fresh that you feel like by just being pregnant it hurts her.  

    I also worry I have my mom's problems, and bawled one night thinking about "what if I can't carry my baby to full term"???  But I realized there is no way I can get through a pregnancy wondering all the what ifs- you will never enjoy the life growing in you if you do!  Enjoy your pregnancy, I'm sure that your SIL does not want you to feel bad for it! 

  • I am so sorry, I so know where you are coming from, I could of written that myself.  My SIL lost my niece Mikalya at 8 1/2 months (they don't know what happened), it's been incredibly hard for our family and I have been at a loss of how to interact with my brother and SIL.  I told my parents and brother the day before they lost their baby.  I didn't want mine to be a girl I felt like it would hurt them more, and I am terrified of something happening...I don't think my family could handle it.

    Do your best to take care of you and your growing baby. 

    hugs.

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  • My thoughts are with you and your family. This has to be so heartbreaking for everyone.
  • image LovingBaz:

    I am so sorry, I so know where you are coming from, I could of written that myself.  My SIL lost my niece Mikalya at 8 1/2 months (they don't know what happened), it's been incredibly hard for our family and I have been at a loss of how to interact with my brother and SIL.  I told my parents and brother the day before they lost their baby.  I didn't want mine to be a girl I felt like it would hurt them more, and I am terrified of something happening...I don't think my family could handle it.

    Do your best to take care of you and your growing baby. 

    hugs.

    Wow, we really do have the exact same story, I'm so sorry. I feel the same way you did, I really hope mine is a boy, and as far as communicating with my brother and SIL... no idea. I dodge all questions related to baby when she asks, I know she's just trying to relate to me and show that she cares. I figure we can talk about a million other things until some time passes. You are close in my thoughts, and I'm praying for your whole family, I'm so sorry that we share this. You take care of yourself and your little one too!

     

    A lot of you shared stories of loss, I'm so sorry for your pain and fears. I'm almost grateful to not carry the pain alone, to relate, but I'd rather none of you had to experience it at all. My heart goes out to all of you, and especially the mothers who have their own little angels in heaven. 

    Thank you for all your thoughts.

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