Babies: 3 - 6 Months

I need unbiased opinions

Hey ladies, I'm having a DH issue and I want to see how people who don't know me would react to this situation.  It's a little bit of a long drawn out situation, so I'm going to attempt to condense it. 

I have a female friend who I've known for over half of my life and she has lately become more of a frieniemy.  She (for lack of a better term) gets around.  She has done underhanded things (like sleeping with other women's husbands and even her other friend's boyfriends) before, but nothing that was directed towards me, so it never gave me a reason to not be her friend.  This was until last year.  She told some of H's friends about something personal that I had told her and they went back and told H.  He and I had a big falling out about it, but we moved past it.

H has a habit of lying to me and when I catch him, he has the tendancy to say things like, "I didn't remember" or "I didn't know".  It's never about big things like where he is, but small things like he didn't move my shoes.  But in my eyes a lie is a lie and if you lie about something small, you'd lie about something big.  This behavior didn't surface until AFTER we were married. 

H owns his own business and she works in the same field.  She contacted him and asked him if he had any positions for her.  He interviewed her and then hired her.  He told me NOTHING of this activity.  He gives me random information about his business, but he didn't feel the need to tell me that he hired my friend?  That just seems shady to me and I'm pissed.  I feel lied to again, and I'm just tired of him being dishonest.  I'm not overreacting by being pissed, right.  I'm just really tired of him and his shyt!!

Sorry it got so long, but I shortened it as much as I could and still hit the major points.

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Re: I need unbiased opinions

  • I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be pissed too, especially because he didn't tell you that he hired your "friend".  
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  • Yikes...yeah, that would piss me off to no end, but I can be crazy jealous...still, he should have told you!!!
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  • 1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

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  • I'd be ticked b/c this is recurring behavior.  I wouldn't trust him, sorry. 

    If he's lying about stupid things, who knows what else hes doing

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  • image smssy2005:
    I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be pissed too, especially because he didn't tell you that he hired your "friend".  

    And the reason I'm so pissed is because if he had just told me I wouldn't have even had anything to say. 

    1ht

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  • You are right ! I would be crazy angry too.
  • image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    All of this

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  • image sherina825:

    image smssy2005:
    I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be pissed too, especially because he didn't tell you that he hired your "friend".  

    And the reason I'm so pissed is because if he had just told me I wouldn't have even had anything to say. 

    1ht

     

    Exactly. If he was forthcoming and straightforward from the get-go, it wouldn't be so shady.  

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  • image robinsokj:

    I'd be ticked b/c this is recurring behavior.  I wouldn't trust him, sorry. 

    If he's lying about stupid things, who knows what else hes doing

    this... you have every reason to be p!ssed. he's been shady.

  • image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    2.  I did but he thinks that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill which pisses me off even more because he's not attempting to see my POV.  I know that he didn't tell me on purpose which = shady.

    3.  No counseling, but I really want to go.  I think it could help.

    1ht

     

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  • Something doesn't seem right here, and you know that, which is why you are asking for opinions. It sounds very shady to me and I would be worried that something is going on with the two of them. Follow your gut feeling.
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  • I think that it sounds totally shady. Frienemy needs to go bye bye.
  • image NELCORP:
    image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    All of this

    Agreed!

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  • image sherina825:
    image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    2.  I did but he thinks that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill which pisses me off even more because he's not attempting to see my POV.  I know that he didn't tell me on purpose which = shady.

    3.  No counseling, but I really want to go.  I think it could help.

    1ht

     

    It sounds like hes trying to transfer guilt to you, which is extra shady

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  • image Soto Pop:
    image robinsokj:

    I'd be ticked b/c this is recurring behavior.  I wouldn't trust him, sorry. 

    If he's lying about stupid things, who knows what else hes doing

    this... you have every reason to be p!ssed. he's been shady.

    A major reason I'm so mad. 

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  • yep, I would be pissed. Honesty is HUGE in a marriage.

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  • Well, if you're pissed at your H for not telling you that he hired your friend, you should be equally pissed at your friend for not telling you too. I'd just let your H know that your friend is a bit of a hussy and that it makes you uncomfortable that they'll be working together. So if she ever tries to make a move, your H will know that it's not okay with you. (not that that should ever be in doubt!)
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  • image CheriLooWho:
    Well, if you're pissed at your H for not telling you that he hired your friend, you should be equally pissed at your friend for not telling you too. I'd just let your H know that your friend is a bit of a hussy and that it makes you uncomfortable that they'll be working together. So if she ever tries to make a move, your H will know that it's not okay with you. (not that that should ever be in doubt!)

    She's the reason that I found out, because she told me but I keep her at an arm's length anyway.  We're usually only in contact because my sister has a realtionship with her too.  She didn't tell me until after the fact and not before so she's wrong too, but I'm sure she thought that he would tell me.  Her actions have nothing to do with him omiting information.  He knows about her and how she acts.  It's not an issue of him cheating on me with her, it's about him lying.

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  • big problem.  that wouldn't fly at my house (for DH to act like that or me).   good luck.  your H (i am officially dropping the D until he starts being honest :)), needs to tell you things like that.  Frankly, it should just come out in normal husband-wife conversation.  I mean, I know what my husband had for lunch most days...so I would definitely know if he chatted with a friend of mine and esp. if he hired her.

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  • This might sound a little bratty, but I would be angry that he didn't ask me if he could/should hire her first! If she didn't "get around" so much I wouldn't think much of it, but it would definitely bother me with her history...
  • I would be straight up annoyed that out of the entire city and state your husband couldn't find any other qualified workers to work for him. He has got to KNOW about how loose your friend is right? because you told him before? he knows about the falling out and how it happened and what she is like? From your friend's side...she's probably hoping to have an easy boss because he is your husband and thus a friend as well. She couldn't look or find a job anywhere else??? Confused

    I agree that your H is not telling you things....this is big and he should have mentioned it probably when she called and asked for availability at his job....actually she should have probably asked for a job in front of you so the conversation would have been in the open from the start.

    I personally don't agree that friends and family and business should mix...I would think that things would be uncomfortable if he had to fire her or something. What if she were late a couple of times or something. I don't think it's a good business practice. Does he have other employees? He may favor her over them because the three of you are all friends outside of work.

    I also find it strange that you don't know or didn't know how many employees your husband has working for your him. To me this is basic knowledge of your husbands job and business. My husband has never owned his own business but he is a supervisor and I have always known how many troops he has under him and their names and gender at the minimum. I am not trying to give you a hard time about it because I know you are here for opinions and advice and support. But please take this as a piece of advice to know more about your husbands day to day job and the business.....Would you even know if he is running it into the ground?  what would happen if one of his employees didn't show? Do you know enough to help out? Now that your friend is working for him then I certainly would be more interested in his business.

  • image robinsokj:
    image sherina825:
    image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    2.  I did but he thinks that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill which pisses me off even more because he's not attempting to see my POV.  I know that he didn't tell me on purpose which = shady.

    3.  No counseling, but I really want to go.  I think it could help.

    1ht

     

    It sounds like hes trying to transfer guilt to you, which is extra shady

    This x 10000.....Also, trust your gut on this one - speaking from experience (not with my DH), your gut feeling about this type of thing is usually spot on.  If you feel uncomfortable (even if it's because of your friend and has nothing to do with you not trusting your H), you need to tell him how you feel.

    Good luck!!

     


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  • Well, I'm going to *mostly* disagree with, apparently, almost everyone. While I DO agree with the poster who said that you NEED to know more about your husbands business in general (What if something happened to him? Would you know what it's worth? Would you be able to keep it going on your own if you had to?), I disagree with the overwhelming "something shady's going on and DH is dishonest" comments that were stated.

    I do think there's trust issues, but I feel like maybe you're SO upset about the fact that he hired the hussy, and that's making you more upset about the other stuff. I personally cannot see how he would be able to hide constant lying about little things for your entire relationship prior to being married (unless maybe you dated for a very short time and had an even shorter engagement.)

    I know that my husband says stuff like this to me all the time: "Honey, where are my shoes? They were by the door, now they're not."  "I dunno." *Me: searching everywhere until I'm upset and asking again, totally frustrated*: "Seriously honey, I can't find them anywhere. Will you help me?" And he walks right to the freaking shoes - where he moved them. I don't take him saying "I dunno" as "OMG he's such a liar" - I take it as "he's a guy, he's oblivious to almost everything, and he probably wasn't listening to he didn't actually hear what I asked."  Chances are - like my husband, your problem has less of a lying problem, and more of a listening problem.

    Either way, you need to sit down and talk it through with him. Should he have told you? Probably. But it might really not be that big of a deal to him - so he didn't realize it was something that he NEEDED to tell you. Approach it calmly and with an open mind. Sometimes we tend to make things bigger in our heads that they really are.

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  • I know someone who had a very similar situation - really she could have written this post.  Her husband was cheating with that "friend."  Sorry, I think if it hasn't happened yet, it's headed that way.
  • I agree with teelaman.  I didn't want to quote it so it wouldn't be too long.  I just think that it didn't cross his mind to tell you.  You probably think that he knows how you feel, but unless you've stated it clearly many times (if he's like my husband, anyway), he has no real clue how you feel.  For example, me telling DH someone was "loose" wouldn't necessarily give him the indication that I didn't like her.  He would just consider it information that I was gossiping about that didn't concern him.  If he doesn't tell you much about his business, he might not have even been thinking about it by the time he got home.  I'm sure there are communication issues you two could work on if you're feeling out of the loop, but try not to get too upset over this issue. 
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  • image smssy2005:
    image sherina825:

    image smssy2005:
    I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be pissed too, especially because he didn't tell you that he hired your "friend".  

    And the reason I'm so pissed is because if he had just told me I wouldn't have even had anything to say. 

    1ht

     

    Exactly. If he was forthcoming and straightforward from the get-go, it wouldn't be so shady.  

    Totally this
  • Wow!  I didn't read the others responses but here's mine...I'd be more than mad.  He is being dishonest.  No way DH would ever not tell me something like that.  I'm sorry!
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  • image NastyAnnie:

    1. Cut this "frienemy" out of your life. She's bad news. If she'd do it to them, she'll do it to you.

    2. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you're hurt that he doesn't trust you enough to discuss things like this with you. Tell him that you're having a hard time trusting him, too. He may feel like he couldn't tell you about hiring this chick, or he may be a like a lot of guys and really just not think about it. I know most of the men in my life (including my Dad and 3 brothers) are totally oblivious 3/4 of the time.

    3. I have a feeling there's more to the story behind this "falling out". Have you guys been to counseling? If he's lying to you on a semi-regular basis about nothing, I'd agree he'd lie about something bigger.

    All of this!
  • Yea, I would say there is something going on here.  I hate to hear that this is happening to you.  GL
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