Ok, so you all know that I had a baby almost three months ago. My body hasn?t quite snapped back to it?s svelte self yet like a few friends of mine who had no sign of having just had a baby a few days after they gave birth. I won?t mention any names but this is the single reason why I will always hate my sister-in-law. Anyway?.so I have this wedding to go to this weekend and I have spent the last month trying on everything I own only to find I look like an elephant in all of my dresses?.if I was even able to get them over my enormous lactating breasts.
?So the only option was to visit the intimate apparel section of my local Kohl?s for answers. Let me start by saying I have a new respect for the more ?Rubenesque? ladies among us. It?s a good thing I have a sense of humor. I picked out five different items from the racks and let?s just say that picking out ?my first girdle? was far less satisfying an experience than picking out ?my first bra.?
First of all, it is clear that Lycra was invented by a man. I felt like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire as I pulled the skin tight fabric over my head. It is true, each option left me packed like a homemade sausage link but although I was now aerodynamic, I still had a pot belly! So much for their promise to shed ten pounds!
I swear the women in the stalls next to mine feared I was having a bowel movement in the dressing room as I grunted and groaned trying to peel the damn things off of me before falling into a claustrophobic fit. There were moments I was certain I would never be able to get them off. Large, my a$$! Felt more like I was trying to fit my huge self into my baby?s size 3-6 month sleeper.
By the time I finished this ordeal I was exhausted. ?Who needs resistance bands at the gym?, wondered. Just head to Kohl?s?Looks like I am going to have to hold my breath the whole night. But at least Mom and I got a laugh out of it!