Blended Families

i dont know how i missed this

i for some reason never realized this board probably because im oblivous but im pretty excited now to see it! My SO has an Ex wife and 3 1/2 year old daughter with her. Their divorce was finalized after a year and a half long battle with custody and alimony it was a nightmare! i wish i knew this board existed then!  Well SO and i got pregnant in October of last year and are due any day now! over due actually! The Ex has been drilling in to the 3 1/2 year olds head that shes still a baby and she needs to be taken care of. Pretty much making it sound like were hurting her thunder by having a baby. Its a nightmare! If you have any advice for me thatd be awesome and id love it! i love his daughter very much but she can be quite a brat sometimes mostly because of her mother! ugh!

Re: i dont know how i missed this

  • Two things, and I'll try not to be too snarky with my first:

    Please don't call your 3.5 yr. old step daughter a brat.  Honestly, if you feel that way, think that way and say that out loud (even if it's not to her) you will only reinforce what her mother is drilling in to her (that you don't love her nearly as much as you love your own LO and that she is now second best).

    Second, My DH's ex tried to tell my SD and SS that their dad was going to abandon them when my DD was born.  We made it a point to keep EVERY SINGLE VISITATION WEEKEND with them while I was pregnant and after LO was born.  I was on bedrest for 12 weeks prior to my due date and we still had them come for visitation, to show them that their lives were not going to change and their dad's love and time that he spends with them was not going to change.  We had them over for visitation 1 week after DD was born because it was their weekend.

    We've included them in every step of everything baby related (the shower, the baptism, etc.)  They even came and visited me and LO in the hospital after LO was born.

    Be sure to reassure her every step of the way that you love her.  And spend some one on one time with her when you can (leave the baby with your SO and go do some "girl time" with SD and he should also have some one on one daddy daughter time with her.)  This will reinforce that she's still special.

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  • Calling a 3.5yo a brat on a board that you just found is not going to make you look good.  I know people use the term in jest but you do not know us and you make it sound like you will very quickly be posting how you cannot stand his daughter!

    And I am still trying to figure out why you would need this board to deal with his divorce, when did you get together?

    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • Skids can sometimes put you in a bad position when they act "bratty" because of what their moms (or others) teach them.  I think it is a good idea to think of SD and new baby as "the kids".  Not, my baby their baby.  Trust me I am in the same predicament with a 3 y/o SS and my first baby on the way.  I have to stop myself often from saying my first baby, I already have a baby.  And I tell him that often, "we are going to have 2 babies in the house now, SS" and you know what he says, "nope I'm a big boy I'm big brother," you just have to encourage SD to trust that SO and you will not stop loving her.  I agree that you should spend time with just her, and although it is out of your hands; encourage SO to spend one on one time with her.  I mean, you signed on for this, it's not always the ideal situation for you, but imagine how SD feels; I was a 2nd child to my father and a 1st to my mother.  My big brother always felt I had it better than him because both of my parents lived in the house with me and his didn't.  Now it isn't fair for BM to encourage this in SD, but whose going to be the bigger person in this for SD?  Remember she will grow up and be a woman just like you one day, and she will realize what's real in life and what isn't.  Make sure your love for her isn't one of those "isn'ts"  Today, my mom and dad are divorced, but my big brother spends Christmas and Thanksgiving with me and my mom.  Says alot about what he found to be real love and fairness once he became a grown man.
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