I read it all and I understand your concerns. All of your reasons are completely reasonable. Get married now. Get married the way you want and 100% about you and him.
I just had a baby and they are a ton of work. Plan it now while you have the time.
We were engaged too before I got pregnant the first time in 2000. We decided to hold off and keep saving and I gave birth, unmarried 8/2001. We finally decided on the spur of the moment to go to the courthouse to get married Jan of 2003, because it felt like we should, my grandfather passed away (complete shock- he got a fever one night and passed) a few days after so it was good that he got to hear that his only granddaughter was married. We didnt finally have our dream wedding until 7/2006. It was perfect in every way and worth the wait. Im glad we waited. Having a different last name for a few years was not a problem, everyone just called me by his last name anyway. And now I always have the memory of being able to have a mother son dance with my baby when he was 4 years old (almost 5) wearing his cute little suite and tie- he matched daddy. We're on our 2nd child now and being married after our first born has not negatively impacted us at all.
Its all about what you feel comfortable with and your happiness, just wanted to share my experience with you. Also, I dont know about your state, but we were able to declare our marriage date for 4/2001.
I definitely think you should find out why your boyfriend wants to
wait. If you're set on having your wedding before the lo it's going to
take a little while to plan and like pp mentioned the venue you want
might already be booked. Regardless though, you should do that you want
to do and no matter when you get married it will still be your day.
Good luck!
congratulations! i would want to get married before the baby is born if i were in the same situation. my husband and i had a small wedding at a county park in our hometown with close family and friends. it looks like you're in SC, so perhaps it would be easier to plan something a bit closer to home... if your main concern is being married before the baby is born, go for it! while there's not really a compromise on the before vs. after, there are ways to make it special and low-key. you can always renew your vows at caesar's palace to celebrate the anniversary of your choice
Get married now! It is so important to have at least a little time of just being newly-weds before the baby arrives. Once the baby comes, the whole wedding thing will become much more work and secondary to where you will be in life at that point.
I've known several women who have been pregnant at their weddings (one was 9 months!) and none of them have regretted it. All were glad they formed their family of 2 before welcoming #3.
ok. honestly I could not read your entire post because it was too long, But I think I got the jist.
I have a few opinions: You are NOT being irrational! here is my wedding in a glimpse
1.) we were engaged before we found out we were pregnant & planning wedding
2.) after I found out I was pregnant I decided I wanted to get married before I had LO for a few reasons
a. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
b. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
c. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth
(that may not be important to some people but it was to me)
3.) I was 7mo pregnant so I did not still have my cute body
4.) I am happy with my decision but maybe we will have another wedding someday when our kids can be involved and I can wear a hot dress
GL to you!
I'm right there with ya! I've learned that we seem old fashioned an outdated for caring that we all have the same last name, but that's just what felt right to me. We plan to have a real wedding later too, OP if you want to still have your big wedding that's fine all you have to do to be married is to sign a piece of paper, you don't even have to get dressed up. I would say if you feel strongly about bein married and he says he will go along with it, do it and have the ceremony later.
I was in the same situation. I'm the happy mother of a 4 month old and still not married because my 4 year old keeps us sooooo busy! i started planning our wedding a couple of weeks ago for sometime next year. I was put on bedrest at 13 weeks until my son was born so I didn't have a choice, but if I did have a choice I would have gotten married early on. It's so much better because of ALL the reasons you stated. the baby once born will keep you so busy, you would probably have to wait another few months after giving birth. I was feeling the same way about everything. If you can afford it and are ready you should plan and get married right away. But just make sure that all the planning wont stress you out too much because you don't want the stress to affect your pregnancy.
Okay I've read some of the posts and I'm surprised no one else made this suggestion......you're pregnant now so continue to plan the wedding, especially during the second trimester when you have a little more energy and aren't so sick. That way you have everything planned for after the baby is born. If you plan it right you'll have the wedding date a little while after the baby is born that way your family and friends will have already gotten over their tendency to focus on the little one plus you can get back your figure. Most wedding dresses can hide a little tummy bulge. I know mine did. It's the best of both worlds plus you won't be "forcing" you bf into a "hasty" wedding. As far as setting a good example you've already blown it...sorry to say but they're gonna know. The best example you can set is to wait and when you do have that talk with your child you can let them know that of course its best to wait until after their married and to practice safe sex but if this should happen to them that their first priority should be the baby and sometime the best thing is to have parents who both love and are involved in the child life and still friends as opposed to a couple that got married. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get married but it sounds like you want something that isn't going to work out how you want it to. Like others have said you have to book early and if you haven't already you probably won't be able to get a date before the pregnancy starts to "change" your figure
We did not get married before our son was born and still are not and he his 2 months old. I was fine with it my whole pregnancy, then he was born and I broke down. I freaked out at the hospital when they made my BF sign forms to legitimize our son. I know that people don't really see things that way any longer. But seeing paperwork like that, kinda ruined the special experience for me. To me it invalidated our love and the love of our child. I know that this will sound strange to people but it is the way I felt. We are very happy and will get married soon, but it kind of tarnished that day, I wish we could do it over again.
My advice, go have a quick wedding just the two of you, you do not even need to tell anybody. Then after the baby is born, you can plan the wedding that you want the way you want and take year to get back in shape. That way you both win. If I could do it over again, this is exactly what I would have done.
I was in a similar position when I had my DS (who is 9 now) except for the fact that his father and I did not plan to get married. I was lucky in that I had a lot of family around me so that if anything had happened to me or my son and I was not able to make decisions for myself or for him I was confident in my parents, who were my legal next of kin, to make the best decisions for our care.
In your position that would be my biggest concern. What if something happens and you are unable to make decisions for yourself? If you two are not married then he is not your legal next of kin, therefore you would need a parent close enough by to make any important medical decisions. Also, I'm not sure what the laws are pertaining to the baby. It's been a while for me, so I don't remember if they had any sort of waiver as to who the father was or who was to make medical decisions for the baby if you were unable to. If the two of you are married then he will automatically be able to make those medical decisions in case of an emergency.
So, because of this, I would personally want to get married before the baby was born.
I completely understand why you would want to get married before you have the baby, but either way, your boyfriend WANTS to marry you. Be glad that he at least wants to marry you. I'm 19 weeks and my boyfriend gets upset when I bring up the subject of marriage. He tells me he wants to be with me and have a family with me but he says you don't need to be married to do that and be happy. I just know how embarrassing it will be for me to tell people I'm not married when they ask. I know marriage isn't for everyone, but it's important to me. Just be glad that he wants to get married and wants to wait a while to give you the wedding you want and deserve. Either way, you'll be married to the man you love soon enough.
YOU want it, get married. You are totally right about all of your concerns and they're very legitimate and true. I would think that after the baby, you'll be busy parents and it might not matter that much to have a big wedding, then you would never have had the one you were hoping for anyway. I know it's hard to convince your boyfriend of that though. Tell him it's what you really want. I just don't really know why he wants to wait. Guys generally don't care about having that perfect everything for a wedding. FWIW: We planned a wedding and were married within three weeks and I had everything I wanted. Cake, dress, photographer, invitations out, event site, food, honeymoon, bridal showers, etc. Unless you want to go bridezilla, it's very possible. If you don't want to look pregnant, I'd definitely get married before 20 weeks.
I am in a similiar boat to you, minus the fact that the pregnancy wasn't a complete surprise, we just got a little impatient and decided we were gonna takes some risks in the birth control area and wanted to have a baby, even though we weren't married yet.
SO I thought about this fairly in depth before I got pregnant. But as soon as I was pregnant, wow did my emotions tell me otherwise! I am very glad I thought it through before the emotions came in cause I spent nights in the firt tri quite upset I was going to be an unwed pregnant woman and my wedding would never be the same. You are not alone, but remember everything you are feeling MAY be 10x stronger due to the lovely thing called hormones. I may have bullied ( by that I mean cried) my fiance into having a civil service at least, for many reasons that now seem minor to me.
to go through some of yours
1)As pp noted, if your kid can do math, they will know, unless you fake the date, and in that case just fake it a year so the math works.
2) as for feeling pretty and your pre-baby body, unless you can plan it in the next 6 weeks and have your dress already, your gonna feel like a heffer in no time, though you may not show to other people for a bit, most pregnant woman I know notice it in themselves very quickly, and are amazed by how much they change everyday, I would advise to not spend to much on your dress, as it may need to be substantially altered, or may not fit in no time.
3) Though yes I am sure planning post-baby is not simple, if you have leave that is helpful, also, in the next few weeks if you are one of the lucky ones who escapes morning sickness ( I was) you will still be utterly exhausted and planning for a baby is enough, never mind planning for a wedding.
4) as for about you and him, you can still make it however you want, if the baby is young enough, it's easy to have a grandma, or someone care for it during the ceromny, but who knows how your feelings will change.
That's my opinion and I am glad I didn't jump the gun when I was stressing about it, it still bothers me when some people ask if we are going to jump the gun and get married before. but mostly it annoys me now cause I have settled and am happy we are going to wait.
GL!
I am also in this situation. Our Avery Isabella was a surprise for us as well. and instead of getting married on his birthday (nov 26) we decided to make a baby. lol (unintentionally of course, we didnt think we could have a baby) We now have a set date for our wedding. It is december 18th of this year. Our baby girl is due like now or soon. (due date is aug 26) My fiance wanted to get married last november, I said no. Then he wanted to get married on valentines day, I said no. Then he finally said fine, december, no later. I said ok because I will hopefully be able to lose some weight. I already bought my wedding dress, but in a smaller size because since it is our first baby, I know it is most likely true that the weight will come off faster. Plus I am doing aqua classes at my gym so I can stay in shape and be able to work the baby weight off faster. I also heard that breastfeeding helps you lose weight because it bumps your metabolism up because it burns so much of the calories/weight up, so basically, I definitely will be breastfeeding for as long as I can. I honestly would really have rather had a wedding first and then had a baby, but I believe it was made to happen this way for whatever reason. So why not embrace it? I have decided that Avery is going to be sitting with my cousin so she wont be distracting and it will still be Tony and My day. Everything seems to be changing in the world and I have no problem with getting married after we have our baby because honestly, its not important what other people think. It is what you and your boyfriend/fiance/husband think about your life because your life is just you three, no one else. Good luck girl! And remember that your decision is just that...YOUR decision, no one elses!
I had to ask myself the same question myself and few months ago. Before finding out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had also discussed marriage. My big factor in my decision to wait after the baby is born is that I already have a wedding dress. I was engaged prior to my relationship with my boyfriend, therefore, I need to be able to fit into the dress that I love and is already purchased. That was my big deciding factor to wait even though his family consistently asks me when we are getting married.
I do not though believe you are irrational in your thinking. Everyone has different viewpoints, and you are early enough to make it the wedding you have always dreamed of
Many of us that did plan a big wedding before would recommend eloping to anyone. Seriously. Wedding planning is a PITA.
Find out if him wanting to wait for a bigger wedding is just an excuse he is using to wait on marriage in general.
This is so true!
DH and I were planning a wedding for next spring, but pushed it forward to this spring because of our surprise LO. We ended up first running off to the courthouse, then planning a wedding in 4 months. Our wedding was exactly what we wanted, but there were a few people (CLOSE friends and some family) that had no way of making it to the wedding because of the short notice. Our little trip to the courthouse was fantastic though, with nothing to regret about it (we made it into a mini-vacation and took the time to enjoy the new changes in our lives). If I weren't so hormonal during this time I would have been perfectly content to wait a few years to allow everyone I care about the opportunity to attend our wedding.
I got married last weekend (32 weeks) and I reckon it was the best thing ever. We found out i was expecting after stetting a date, and it turns our baby was due on the set wedding date, so DH put his foot down and moved the wedding forward. I was leaning towards postponing - something to do with not waddling down the isle looking like a teletubby. Let me just say though, it puts things into focus - i was not a bridzilla, i was not stressing the small stuff coz there was baby to think about. And now, I have all my attention focused o baby. Plus, you think twice about the amount of money you spend on what eventually amounts to a party. But its your call. life after baby is very different, and this may be the only chance you get at your wedding, coz after this, its baby, baby, baby. Good luck though
I had the EXACT same situation as you. And the same feelings as you. What we ended up doing for legal purposes we had a small court wedding and then after our son was born we had a ceremony/reception wedding. Here are my thoughts on each point:
1.) Granted I was training for a marathon as well, I gained my body back in time for the wedding (5 months between birth and wedding). This was without dieting, running and breastfeeding only and still satisfying my big appetite!. I think I probably looked better than I did before getting pregnant. Plus, I wasn't that far into my marathon training by then, I was only running 15-20 mile weeks.
2.) Our court wedding solved this problem and I understand your feelings towards this but, even in small town Montana not being married until later in the pregnancy I didn't get any comments or grief about it. Note on the court wedding: we did it for medical insurance purposes and I wouldn't do it this way again, I would have just waited until the ceremony/reception wedding after the birth.
3.) I know the "selfish" feeling of not wanting my baby to suck up the attention at the wedding but (like I'm sure you've heard tons!) things change after your child is born and I was overjoyed to show him off at the wedding. Plus, it didn't really distract from the wedding fun and attention (I was also concerned I'd not enjoy the wedding because I'd have to keep taking care of him well I'm sure you, just like I, will have tons of people dying to hold him/her and not want to share him/her, so it wasn't a problem.
4.) This is where I lean towards you getting married before the kid. I had TONS of help from my mom. Couldn't have done it without her, she practically planned the whole thing. Could not have planned the wedding myself with a newborn.
The only reasons I would say get married before is because of the planning of the wedding and once you have a child the wedding doesn't seem as big of a deal. At least that's how it felt for me but it might have been that we were already technically married. Don't base your decisions on the other things if you want your body back bad enough (be healthy about it though) you can do it and I can bet you you'll just want everyone to see your baby and won't feel like he/she is stealing the limelight.
Hope that helps and I'm sure whenever you have the wedding it will be wonderful! Good luck!
I was in the same situation. I know exactly how you feel right now. Me and my boyfriend had been talking about marriage long before we got pregnant. Then when I brought up the idea to get married before baby he said he wanted to wait. I found out recently though that he did that because he was scared and wasn't ready because he got so overwhelmed with the baby coming. Now my daughters 6 months and he's starting to slowly bring it up again. So, my suggestion is wait because it might be because he's just a little overwhelmed and you don't want to marry someone unless they are completely on board with you. Or maybe he's starting to be a little scared about financial issues with baby coming? Talk to him and try to find out whats really going on. Good Luck! I hope it all works out!
We decided to get married before the baby... and we were already talking marriage before we found out we were expecting.
We decided to get married before the baby because we knew that our wedding day would never be ours after we had the baby. We took 10 of our closest friends and family and went to the carribean for a private wedding and then our parents threw us a big cocktail party reception for the friends and family that couldnt make it.
I have to tell you, being pregnant alone is very stressful. Planning a wedding AND being a newly wed can also be stressful... our destination wedding was not hard at all to plan, no stress at all. But the big reception has been insanely stressful. At 7 months pregnant going shopping for a cocktail dress alone is like, the most stressful thing in the whole world.
I dont think, personally, that my special day would have been at all as romantic if i had a 1,2,3,4, or 5 year old to worry about. I am so glad I got to have my wedding before I got huge and gave birth. I am SURE that people still enjoy themselves when they have a young child and get married, but i feel like everything is going to be so busy and crazy and that everything that would take me 5 min to do before to accomplish will take half an hour with a baby in tow.
I haven't read the other responses nor have I been in the same boat...but I think your reasons are very good ones. Have you presented your reasons to your boyfriend? If he knows how much it means to you, then I would hope that he would agree and share in those reasons with you. It really does not take a long time to plan a wedding if you know what you want. I would want to set a good example for my child as well and like you said, once you have the baby, you may not feel like having your "dream" wedding. Your wedding is one thing that you don't want to "settle" on. Maybe try talking to your boyfriend again and explain how much it means to you...hopefully he'll see your points and want to marry you sooner rather than later. Good luck!
My fiance and I had gotten engaged in October 2009. WE started planning the wedding for June of 2011. We wanted to pay all cash and we wanted enough time to plan everything. We were surprised when we found out that we were pregnant. By the time we found out in March, the wedding was half planned and half paid for. We talked about getting married before the baby comes, but I hate to loose the money we put out and I had already bought my dress. We also talked about getting married at the JOP and not telling anyone, that way the names would match. Then my fiance reminded me that I would want to wear the wedding bands that we had already bought (he's right, I love it and can't wait to wear it!). So we decided that we would wait and that the baby would be at the wedding. We did talk to both of our parents about this decision to make sure that they were ok with it.
Needless to say, the baby shower will be in September and I just sent the save the dates for the wedding out this month! It is all at once, but I had the pregnancy to get as much of the planning finished as possible.
It's your decision, but done't make your other half feel pressured, it's not a good way to start the rest of your lives.
I know what you are going through. My husband and I went through all of that when we were pregnant with our first child. Except it was the family that was trying to force us into it. I am glad we waited til after the baby was born to get married. We were able to plan our wedding with help from some friends, and my mom in a couple of months, I did this with a newborn and a full time job. My little man was 3 months old when we got married, and doesnt care if we were married or not when he was born. He thinks it is neat to look at our wedding pictures and see himself in them. I am also married to a firefighter, they have a tendency to love very truly, and if he loves you now, he will love you then, post baby body and all. You will also look at yourself differently, you wont look at yourself as "chubby" you are growing a life inside you. I am also glad we waited, because I dont think I could have handled the stress of planning a wedding and being pregnant too... that would have been a horrible disaster...( I was preggozilla at that point)
I know exactly how you feel except I am now at 5 months, so looking hot is a wedding dress is not exactly an option. I am not exactly sure yet what the decision will be. I would like to be married before the LO is here in December, but at the same time, I do not want to hav eto plan a wedding while planning a baby. We are talking about making it official now and then haveing big party/wedding next year. No one needs to know one way or the other besides us right? I wish you luck and no matter whether you end up being married before or after the LO comes, the most important thing is you guys love each other and that is truly all that matter. Bless you and your family.
it was always really important to my (now) husband that we didnt get pregnant before we were married, but i never thought i would care much. having read your story i actually think i probably would have felt just like you
thinking about what the men in my life are like i would say get your research in and then have a sit-down with you partner and tell him clearly why its increasingly important for you to get married before the baby and show him the proof that you can still have your dream wedding at short notice (my hubbie, brother, father, male friends all have the one thing in common that they are most likely to accept solid VISIBLE facts and proof) - then tell him that because it?s both your special day you wont push it but that it was important to you to tell him clearly and that you would like him to consider it + tell you what he thinks when he?s ready (they also all need time to mull things over for a bit...) -- DO give him a deadline if he doesnt come back to you on his own though!
like: "honey i dont want to pressure you, but in case you end up agreeing with me we would really need to start planning by this and this date (give a few days before the actual end-date in case of negotiations..)
This thread has been on the board all week so I'm finally going to reply. Bear in mind I have read about the first five responses and that's it.
Your body will be fine for your wedding dress if you get married when the baby is 6+ months old. It could be sooner for you but since you have to plan this kind of thing ahead of time, six months is a pretty safe goal.
You could always get hitched at the courthouse now and then save the big wedding ceremony for later. Another option would be to just have a really small ceremony with close family now and then save the "reception" for later. We had some friends do that because they had a destination wedding in Florida. Then, they came back and just had a big reception with everyone. The bride still wore her wedding dress and the groom his tux, as if they had just gotten married that day. They played a video of their ceremony at the reception for everyone to see... like off to the side so people could stop and watch it if they wanted to.
My best friend, my husband, my everything Matthew Kevin 7/31/83-7/20/11
Met 1/8/00
Engaged 4/21/06
Married 9/29/07
Two beautiful legacies: Noah Matthew (2 yrs) and Chloe Marcella (8 mos) Day Three
I completely agree with you. My bf and I have been common law for a number of years and until I found out that I was pregnant, I was OK with not being married and living together.
We just got married. Although I'm at 4.5 months and my belly was showing a bit I still think that the dress looked pretty good - this is my first baby and I haven't gained a lot of weight yet (~2 lbs.).
One word of advice is that if you plan to get married out of town, try to start planning asap if you'd like guests at the wedding. You'd be surprised how fast time flies! I know I was.
We didn't tell everyone that we were expecting until 3 months and we didn't plan the a trip to Vegas until 2 weeks before the wedding (and didn't book the chapel until 1 week before). It was too much to expect people to drop their schedule and come. I was OK with that b/c we are going to try to have a celebratory bbq at our place in a few weeks.
I loved going away - there are far too many changes for me to plan a big wedding and for generally the same reasons as you I wanted to be married in advance. It is nice in Vegas because they have packages that you can choose from and you don't have to worry about all of the small things because they are taken care of.
So of course, no matter what everyone else tells you, only you know how you truly feel about the situation. I'll share what we did just to give you some more insight...
I got pregnant w/ our first child at 22 years old, and at the time, hubby (BF at the time) and I had been together for 3 years, already living together and everything. We knew we both loved each other to death, but w/ a baby coming into the relationship, I wanted to be realistic... People ALWAYS change, sometimes it's for the better, and unfortunately other times, for the worse. I just figured I was already pregnant, might as well wait until the baby comes to see how our relationship has evolved.
After our daughter was born, things were great and so of course the topic of getting married came up, but we never REALLY decided on a date.
Then on my 24th birthday, he proposed to me w/ the perfect engagement ring. (He had actually been asking me for some time about what I would want, and for some time, he had been saving up for it.) I don't want to sound shallow, but let's just say it was perfect b/c it was exactly what I wanted, with a diamond (not Beyonce BIG but) totally big for me, w/ high quality and certification and the works.
We decided on a date, which was 09-19-09, giving me about 9 months to plan our wedding. Our wedding wasn't huge, but it was a church wedding, reception in a downtown SF ballroom w/ about 130 people, had all the big and little details... It was seriously my dream wedding. The 9 months was JUST enough time for me to put together the PERFECT wedding for us, and at the end, I NEVER at all regretted waiting on our marriage because of the way things worked out. When we got married, our daughter had just turned 2, and were able to have her as one of our flower girls.
I totally understand what you mean about the "spotlight being on you" for your big day, b/c that's exactly how it should be. But I must say, considering my daughter was already 2 when hubby and I got married, all eyes were def not focused on her. Obviously we had already established our little family, but everyone around us still recognized the fact that it was OUR day, and they were there to celebrate that. Giving it all that time, we were able to learn SO much from and about each other, experience things, have our perfect wedding (and even honeymoon!) and I am now pregnant w/ our second daughter.
As I said, this is just how things turned out for me, which totally worked out. For you it may be different. But you also shouldn't be concerned about your post-baby body because I am sure you will be as beautiful as ever. (Just a note too, if you are already in pretty good shape pre-baby, your body should be almost just as in shape after!) I think you guys should take your time, and basically relax while your pregnant. If you guys decide to go ahead and get hitched soon though, good luck and congrats!!
i am in the same stuation but i aready have one child i so badlywant to be married befoe i have the second child the first one isn't biologically his but he took him in and gave him his last name i just really want to be marred bfore ths child which is his is born and we were talking about getting married before i found out i was pregnat also and it kills me becasue i know i won't have the energy with a new born to plan the wedding considering i'm due march 19th and we are supposed to get married may 28th with baby being that young i know there won't b enough energy bc my son is 3 months old now and i'm just now starting to get a bit more sleep and energy but my fiance won't compromise at all either we were originally getting married in novemer this year but when we found out i was pregnant he pushed back the date and no i haven't really told him that it does bother me he thinks i just want to get married first because society would see it as better...? ok sure they will but i don't want to marry him because society would accept it better i want to marry him because i love him and want to be with him....... but i completely see where your comig from on wanting to be married first i'm the same way and it bugs me more and more everyday that i won't be married until after the baby is born
If it's really about the marriage and not so much the wedding, why don't the two of you elope right now and have the wedding ceremony later as a renewal of the vows? My DH and I eloped to our back yard at 7 mos pregnant with the pastor and 2 witnesses. Bought the dress from Ross and some Maternity Spanx, took a class to waive the license fee and got married all for 30 bucks. It was absolutely beautiful and I don't regret it for one minute. I've been married before and done the whole big wedding thing. i understand why one would want it. Trust me though, when you have weddings like that, they don't really end up "about you". It all turns into more of a show for the guests. The day ends up being a blur when it's "a thing" and there is so much stress involved when planning it, especially on short notice. Plus the money used for a wedding could go towards your baby and your new family. It could be a good compromise for you and your man too. Best of luck hun!
I was in the same scenario; engaged for 5 months after years together. We planned a wedding in two months and got married when I was 5mo pregnant. We had a destination wedding, a dozen people came along and my body still looked good. I agree it wouldn't have been about the two of us had I just had a baby. IMO, If you do it now, you won't regret it. If you don't do it before baby is born you have to file for official paternity, have it notarized (in my state at least) and it's nice not to have to bother with that.
No, it's normal. I didn't want to get married before because we had only been together a few months. A baby changes everything. You want to start a family. My son is 14 months and we are still not even engaged (he is so freakin stubborn! haha). I wish we would get married. It will be OUR day, and your world will revolve around baby, but "our" now includes our son who is the best present in the entire world. Getting married won't change anything and I remind myself of that often, when I start getting sad. Of course I still want to, but it's because I want to be committed to our family for the rest of my life.
I will say that a baby changes your relationship SO much. I wanted to wait and see if we could stick together after a baby and a total shift in life. Sometimes it's really hard, and it's hard to think about, but it's a real factor.
It actually worked out perfectly, because it's a holiday weekend. Everything we want (venue, photographer, DJ) is available! We have paid our deposits and are starting to work on everything else.
I'm SO excited... and so is he!
Everything worked out and we're so happy with our decision! The only thing that will be different from my "dream" wedding is that I'll have a baby bump. Oh well! No biggie!!
Re: Get married before or after the baby is born? (long)
I read it all and I understand your concerns. All of your reasons are completely reasonable. Get married now. Get married the way you want and 100% about you and him.
I just had a baby and they are a ton of work. Plan it now while you have the time.
We were engaged too before I got pregnant the first time in 2000. We decided to hold off and keep saving and I gave birth, unmarried 8/2001. We finally decided on the spur of the moment to go to the courthouse to get married Jan of 2003, because it felt like we should, my grandfather passed away (complete shock- he got a fever one night and passed) a few days after so it was good that he got to hear that his only granddaughter was married. We didnt finally have our dream wedding until 7/2006. It was perfect in every way and worth the wait. Im glad we waited. Having a different last name for a few years was not a problem, everyone just called me by his last name anyway. And now I always have the memory of being able to have a mother son dance with my baby when he was 4 years old (almost 5) wearing his cute little suite and tie- he matched daddy. We're on our 2nd child now and being married after our first born has not negatively impacted us at all.
Its all about what you feel comfortable with and your happiness, just wanted to share my experience with you. Also, I dont know about your state, but we were able to declare our marriage date for 4/2001.
That is my suggestion as well.
congratulations! i would want to get married before the baby is born if i were in the same situation. my husband and i had a small wedding at a county park in our hometown with close family and friends. it looks like you're in SC, so perhaps it would be easier to plan something a bit closer to home... if your main concern is being married before the baby is born, go for it! while there's not really a compromise on the before vs. after, there are ways to make it special and low-key. you can always renew your vows at caesar's palace to celebrate the anniversary of your choice
Get married now! It is so important to have at least a little time of just being newly-weds before the baby arrives. Once the baby comes, the whole wedding thing will become much more work and secondary to where you will be in life at that point.
I've known several women who have been pregnant at their weddings (one was 9 months!) and none of them have regretted it. All were glad they formed their family of 2 before welcoming #3.
I'm right there with ya! I've learned that we seem old fashioned an outdated for caring that we all have the same last name, but that's just what felt right to me. We plan to have a real wedding later too, OP if you want to still have your big wedding that's fine all you have to do to be married is to sign a piece of paper, you don't even have to get dressed up. I would say if you feel strongly about bein married and he says he will go along with it, do it and have the ceremony later.
I was in the same situation. I'm the happy mother of a 4 month old and still not married because my 4 year old keeps us sooooo busy! i started planning our wedding a couple of weeks ago for sometime next year. I was put on bedrest at 13 weeks until my son was born so I didn't have a choice, but if I did have a choice I would have gotten married early on. It's so much better because of ALL the reasons you stated. the baby once born will keep you so busy, you would probably have to wait another few months after giving birth. I was feeling the same way about everything. If you can afford it and are ready you should plan and get married right away. But just make sure that all the planning wont stress you out too much because you don't want the stress to affect your pregnancy.
We did not get married before our son was born and still are not and he his 2 months old. I was fine with it my whole pregnancy, then he was born and I broke down. I freaked out at the hospital when they made my BF sign forms to legitimize our son. I know that people don't really see things that way any longer. But seeing paperwork like that, kinda ruined the special experience for me. To me it invalidated our love and the love of our child. I know that this will sound strange to people but it is the way I felt. We are very happy and will get married soon, but it kind of tarnished that day, I wish we could do it over again.
My advice, go have a quick wedding just the two of you, you do not even need to tell anybody. Then after the baby is born, you can plan the wedding that you want the way you want and take year to get back in shape. That way you both win. If I could do it over again, this is exactly what I would have done.
Best of luck to you and congratulations!!!
I was in a similar position when I had my DS (who is 9 now) except for the fact that his father and I did not plan to get married. I was lucky in that I had a lot of family around me so that if anything had happened to me or my son and I was not able to make decisions for myself or for him I was confident in my parents, who were my legal next of kin, to make the best decisions for our care.
In your position that would be my biggest concern. What if something happens and you are unable to make decisions for yourself? If you two are not married then he is not your legal next of kin, therefore you would need a parent close enough by to make any important medical decisions. Also, I'm not sure what the laws are pertaining to the baby. It's been a while for me, so I don't remember if they had any sort of waiver as to who the father was or who was to make medical decisions for the baby if you were unable to. If the two of you are married then he will automatically be able to make those medical decisions in case of an emergency.
So, because of this, I would personally want to get married before the baby was born.
sorry, double post.
I had to ask myself the same question myself and few months ago. Before finding out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had also discussed marriage. My big factor in my decision to wait after the baby is born is that I already have a wedding dress. I was engaged prior to my relationship with my boyfriend, therefore, I need to be able to fit into the dress that I love and is already purchased. That was my big deciding factor to wait even though his family consistently asks me when we are getting married.
I do not though believe you are irrational in your thinking. Everyone has different viewpoints, and you are early enough to make it the wedding you have always dreamed of
This is so true!
DH and I were planning a wedding for next spring, but pushed it forward to this spring because of our surprise LO. We ended up first running off to the courthouse, then planning a wedding in 4 months. Our wedding was exactly what we wanted, but there were a few people (CLOSE friends and some family) that had no way of making it to the wedding because of the short notice. Our little trip to the courthouse was fantastic though, with nothing to regret about it (we made it into a mini-vacation and took the time to enjoy the new changes in our lives). If I weren't so hormonal during this time I would have been perfectly content to wait a few years to allow everyone I care about the opportunity to attend our wedding.
I got married last weekend (32 weeks) and I reckon it was the best thing ever. We found out i was expecting after stetting a date, and it turns our baby was due on the set wedding date, so DH put his foot down and moved the wedding forward. I was leaning towards postponing - something to do with not waddling down the isle looking like a teletubby. Let me just say though, it puts things into focus - i was not a bridzilla, i was not stressing the small stuff coz there was baby to think about. And now, I have all my attention focused o baby. Plus, you think twice about the amount of money you spend on what eventually amounts to a party. But its your call. life after baby is very different, and this may be the only chance you get at your wedding, coz after this, its baby, baby, baby. Good luck though
I had the EXACT same situation as you. And the same feelings as you. What we ended up doing for legal purposes we had a small court wedding and then after our son was born we had a ceremony/reception wedding. Here are my thoughts on each point:
1.) Granted I was training for a marathon as well, I gained my body back in time for the wedding (5 months between birth and wedding). This was without dieting, running and breastfeeding only and still satisfying my big appetite!. I think I probably looked better than I did before getting pregnant. Plus, I wasn't that far into my marathon training by then, I was only running 15-20 mile weeks.
2.) Our court wedding solved this problem and I understand your feelings towards this but, even in small town Montana not being married until later in the pregnancy I didn't get any comments or grief about it. Note on the court wedding: we did it for medical insurance purposes and I wouldn't do it this way again, I would have just waited until the ceremony/reception wedding after the birth.
3.) I know the "selfish" feeling of not wanting my baby to suck up the attention at the wedding but (like I'm sure you've heard tons!) things change after your child is born and I was overjoyed to show him off at the wedding. Plus, it didn't really distract from the wedding fun and attention (I was also concerned I'd not enjoy the wedding because I'd have to keep taking care of him well I'm sure you, just like I, will have tons of people dying to hold him/her and not want to share him/her, so it wasn't a problem.
4.) This is where I lean towards you getting married before the kid. I had TONS of help from my mom. Couldn't have done it without her, she practically planned the whole thing. Could not have planned the wedding myself with a newborn.
The only reasons I would say get married before is because of the planning of the wedding and once you have a child the wedding doesn't seem as big of a deal. At least that's how it felt for me but it might have been that we were already technically married. Don't base your decisions on the other things if you want your body back bad enough (be healthy about it though) you can do it and I can bet you you'll just want everyone to see your baby and won't feel like he/she is stealing the limelight.
Hope that helps and I'm sure whenever you have the wedding it will be wonderful! Good luck!
I was faced with this same exact situation.
We decided to get married before the baby... and we were already talking marriage before we found out we were expecting.
We decided to get married before the baby because we knew that our wedding day would never be ours after we had the baby. We took 10 of our closest friends and family and went to the carribean for a private wedding and then our parents threw us a big cocktail party reception for the friends and family that couldnt make it.
I have to tell you, being pregnant alone is very stressful. Planning a wedding AND being a newly wed can also be stressful... our destination wedding was not hard at all to plan, no stress at all. But the big reception has been insanely stressful. At 7 months pregnant going shopping for a cocktail dress alone is like, the most stressful thing in the whole world.
I dont think, personally, that my special day would have been at all as romantic if i had a 1,2,3,4, or 5 year old to worry about. I am so glad I got to have my wedding before I got huge and gave birth. I am SURE that people still enjoy themselves when they have a young child and get married, but i feel like everything is going to be so busy and crazy and that everything that would take me 5 min to do before to accomplish will take half an hour with a baby in tow.
Good luck with your choice!
Gym, get out of my mind.
Paragraphs, people, PARAGRAPHS!
My fiance and I had gotten engaged in October 2009. WE started planning the wedding for June of 2011. We wanted to pay all cash and we wanted enough time to plan everything. We were surprised when we found out that we were pregnant. By the time we found out in March, the wedding was half planned and half paid for. We talked about getting married before the baby comes, but I hate to loose the money we put out and I had already bought my dress. We also talked about getting married at the JOP and not telling anyone, that way the names would match. Then my fiance reminded me that I would want to wear the wedding bands that we had already bought (he's right, I love it and can't wait to wear it!). So we decided that we would wait and that the baby would be at the wedding. We did talk to both of our parents about this decision to make sure that they were ok with it.
Needless to say, the baby shower will be in September and I just sent the save the dates for the wedding out this month! It is all at once, but I had the pregnancy to get as much of the planning finished as possible.
It's your decision, but done't make your other half feel pressured, it's not a good way to start the rest of your lives.
it was always really important to my (now) husband that we didnt get pregnant before we were married, but i never thought i would care much. having read your story i actually think i probably would have felt just like you
thinking about what the men in my life are like i would say get your research in and then have a sit-down with you partner and tell him clearly why its increasingly important for you to get married before the baby and show him the proof that you can still have your dream wedding at short notice (my hubbie, brother, father, male friends all have the one thing in common that they are most likely to accept solid VISIBLE facts and proof) - then tell him that because it?s both your special day you wont push it but that it was important to you to tell him clearly and that you would like him to consider it + tell you what he thinks when he?s ready (they also all need time to mull things over for a bit...) -- DO give him a deadline if he doesnt come back to you on his own though!
like: "honey i dont want to pressure you, but in case you end up agreeing with me we would really need to start planning by this and this date (give a few days before the actual end-date in case of negotiations..)
hope it helps!
This thread has been on the board all week so I'm finally going to reply. Bear in mind I have read about the first five responses and that's it.
Your body will be fine for your wedding dress if you get married when the baby is 6+ months old. It could be sooner for you but since you have to plan this kind of thing ahead of time, six months is a pretty safe goal.
You could always get hitched at the courthouse now and then save the big wedding ceremony for later. Another option would be to just have a really small ceremony with close family now and then save the "reception" for later. We had some friends do that because they had a destination wedding in Florida. Then, they came back and just had a big reception with everyone. The bride still wore her wedding dress and the groom his tux, as if they had just gotten married that day. They played a video of their ceremony at the reception for everyone to see... like off to the side so people could stop and watch it if they wanted to.
Matthew Kevin
7/31/83-7/20/11
Met 1/8/00
Engaged 4/21/06
Married 9/29/07
Two beautiful legacies: Noah Matthew (2 yrs) and Chloe Marcella (8 mos)
Day Three
I completely agree with you. My bf and I have been common law for a number of years and until I found out that I was pregnant, I was OK with not being married and living together.
We just got married. Although I'm at 4.5 months and my belly was showing a bit I still think that the dress looked pretty good - this is my first baby and I haven't gained a lot of weight yet (~2 lbs.).
One word of advice is that if you plan to get married out of town, try to start planning asap if you'd like guests at the wedding. You'd be surprised how fast time flies! I know I was.
We didn't tell everyone that we were expecting until 3 months and we didn't plan the a trip to Vegas until 2 weeks before the wedding (and didn't book the chapel until 1 week before). It was too much to expect people to drop their schedule and come. I was OK with that b/c we are going to try to have a celebratory bbq at our place in a few weeks.
I loved going away - there are far too many changes for me to plan a big wedding and for generally the same reasons as you I wanted to be married in advance. It is nice in Vegas because they have packages that you can choose from and you don't have to worry about all of the small things because they are taken care of.
Good luck with everything.
So of course, no matter what everyone else tells you, only you know how you truly feel about the situation. I'll share what we did just to give you some more insight...
I got pregnant w/ our first child at 22 years old, and at the time, hubby (BF at the time) and I had been together for 3 years, already living together and everything. We knew we both loved each other to death, but w/ a baby coming into the relationship, I wanted to be realistic... People ALWAYS change, sometimes it's for the better, and unfortunately other times, for the worse. I just figured I was already pregnant, might as well wait until the baby comes to see how our relationship has evolved.
After our daughter was born, things were great and so of course the topic of getting married came up, but we never REALLY decided on a date.
Then on my 24th birthday, he proposed to me w/ the perfect engagement ring. (He had actually been asking me for some time about what I would want, and for some time, he had been saving up for it.) I don't want to sound shallow, but let's just say it was perfect b/c it was exactly what I wanted, with a diamond (not Beyonce BIG but) totally big for me, w/ high quality and certification and the works.
We decided on a date, which was 09-19-09, giving me about 9 months to plan our wedding. Our wedding wasn't huge, but it was a church wedding, reception in a downtown SF ballroom w/ about 130 people, had all the big and little details... It was seriously my dream wedding. The 9 months was JUST enough time for me to put together the PERFECT wedding for us, and at the end, I NEVER at all regretted waiting on our marriage because of the way things worked out. When we got married, our daughter had just turned 2, and were able to have her as one of our flower girls.
I totally understand what you mean about the "spotlight being on you" for your big day, b/c that's exactly how it should be. But I must say, considering my daughter was already 2 when hubby and I got married, all eyes were def not focused on her. Obviously we had already established our little family, but everyone around us still recognized the fact that it was OUR day, and they were there to celebrate that. Giving it all that time, we were able to learn SO much from and about each other, experience things, have our perfect wedding (and even honeymoon!) and I am now pregnant w/ our second daughter.
As I said, this is just how things turned out for me, which totally worked out. For you it may be different. But you also shouldn't be concerned about your post-baby body because I am sure you will be as beautiful as ever. (Just a note too, if you are already in pretty good shape pre-baby, your body should be almost just as in shape after!) I think you guys should take your time, and basically relax while your pregnant. If you guys decide to go ahead and get hitched soon though, good luck and congrats!!
No, it's normal. I didn't want to get married before because we had only been together a few months. A baby changes everything. You want to start a family. My son is 14 months and we are still not even engaged (he is so freakin stubborn! haha). I wish we would get married. It will be OUR day, and your world will revolve around baby, but "our" now includes our son who is the best present in the entire world. Getting married won't change anything and I remind myself of that often, when I start getting sad. Of course I still want to, but it's because I want to be committed to our family for the rest of my life.
I will say that a baby changes your relationship SO much. I wanted to wait and see if we could stick together after a baby and a total shift in life. Sometimes it's really hard, and it's hard to think about, but it's a real factor.
FOLLOW UP TO ORIGINAL POST:
We are getting Married on Nov 27th!
It actually worked out perfectly, because it's a holiday weekend. Everything we want (venue, photographer, DJ) is available! We have paid our deposits and are starting to work on everything else.
I'm SO excited... and so is he!
Everything worked out and we're so happy with our decision! The only thing that will be different from my "dream" wedding is that I'll have a baby bump. Oh well! No biggie!!
Thanks for everyone's feedback!