1st Trimester

Get married before or after the baby is born? (long)

Hey everyone!

My boyfriend and I were talking marriage for awhile before we found out I was pregnant. This was a "surprise" pregnancy. I never thought it'd be a big deal to me if we had a baby while not yet married, but now that I am in this situation, it is! He wants to wait until next year to get married, that way we don't rush the wedding planning and can have "the wedding we want."

But, I fully believe the wedding we "want" can be planned quickly. We want to get married at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. We don't want a huge wedding, just family and close friends.

Here are my reasons for wanting to get married now, and not later:

((DISCLAIMER: My boyfriend is WONDERFUL and treats me great, I have nothing to complain about when it comes to him or our relationship. He's the greatest man I have ever met! We are just simply disagreeing about when to get married now that I'm pregnant)). ;)

1 -I want to get married while I still have my pre-baby body and will feel beautiful in my wedding dress. This is my first pregnancy, so I don't know how much baby weight I will gain or how long it will take for me to lose... I want to look my best in our wedding photos - I really don't want to look back and see myself looking chubby or dead tired. Besides the act of acutally getting married, my dress is a close second when it comes to what is most important to me.

2 - I don't want to NOT be married when the baby is born. I know that it's not uncommon nowadays to be unwed and give birth, but if we were already planning on getting married before I got pregnant, then why wait? I want to set a good example for our child, and being married when he or she is born is very important to me...

3 - This may sound a little selfish, but I would like our wedding to be OUR day, about him and me. The rest of our lives will revolve around this baby and our other future children. I want people to be gawking at him and me, not our new baby. It's the one day of our lives that is about us, and I want it to be centered around just the two of us... I don't want anything else of my mind except for him... But, if I'm a mom, I know myself and that simply won't be possible... If the baby is already here, the wedding will turn into a "family" thing, not just a day about me and him..

4 - I feel it will be VERY hard to plan a wedding with a newborn. I just don't think I'll be up to it, and then the wedding will keep getting pushed back... :(

My bf is two hours taking a training class for a week for his job, and we talked about how I feel about everything tonight. We have had this conversation before, but my feelings are getting stronger and stronger about getting married before the baby is born. He said that "we can't compromise on this, so one of us is going to have to give in," and that it would be him that will "give in."

Okay, so great, right?...

Not so much. Now I feel like I am "forcing" him in a way, even though he says I'm not. It's like I just can't be satisfied right now, and I don't know why.

Am I wrong for NOT wanting to wait? Have any of you been through the same thing, and if so, what did you do (and do you feel that you did the right thing)?

Am I being completely irrational? I'm just so upset about this.

Should we go ahead and start planning or should I just drop it and just wait until next year? :(

I just really need advice on what to do and how to handle this whole thing...


Re: Get married before or after the baby is born? (long)

  • I'm in the same situation...if you want to call it a "situation". We're happy and we were planning to get married early next year. Since I'm due in Feb. that puts a whole new spin on things. We thought about getting married in the next couple months, but we decided to wait until about 5 months after the baby is born. There are times when waiting until after the baby is hard for me emotionally (especially with all the crazy hormones), but I think in the long run it will be better. You're definitely not being irrational, so don't think that, but I would just sit down and think about your options. Talk to your boyfriend and discuss everything from traveling while pregnant (unless you live in Vegas), the possibility that some friends and family might not be able to make it because of the short notice, and money issues. Trying to plan a wedding and a baby into the next 6 months of my life just seemed very overwhelming to me, but you might not have a problem with it.

    More than anything it's just nice to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with these huge decisions. I hope you have a very happy and healthy pregnancy and an amazing wedding whenever you both decide to have it! 


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  • ok. honestly I could not read your entire post because it was too long, But I think I got the jist.

    I have a few opinions: You are NOT being irrational! here is my wedding in a glimpse

    1.) we were engaged before we found out we were pregnant & planning wedding

    2.) after I found out I was pregnant I decided I wanted to get married before I had LO  for a few reasons

    a. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth

    b. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth

    c. wanted me & baby to have same last name at birth 

             (that may not be important to some people but it was to me) 

    3.) I was 7mo pregnant so I did not still have my cute body

    4.)  I am happy with my decision but maybe we will have another wedding someday when our kids can be involved and I can wear a hot dress

    GL to  you! 


  • Okay, to the PP, it doesn't matter what your name is at birth, because they put your maiden name on the birth certificate anyway. 

    To the OP...I will address these as you have them numbered.

    1.  Caesar's Palace is usually book FAR in advance, and is very very expensive.   Also, you'd have to have the family and close friends fly to Vegas, which is kind of asking a lot on short notice.

    2.  As soon as your kid can do math they will figure out they were conceived before your wedding date, so it doesn't really matter at this point.  I mean, if your wedding day is 5 months before their birthday... it's kind of hard to deny that. 

    3.  This concern does sound a little childish, but whatever.  However, your thing about wanting friends and close family there seems kind of trite when you say you don't want your wedding to turn into a family thing, and only want it to be about you and your boyfriend.  For that, elope now.  Just fly to Vegas, the two of you, and get hitched. Save the money for your child's future...

    4.  Newborns don't take that much energy that it would prevent you from going online, or jotting things down in a wedding planner, making some calls.  You may not realize this, but they sleep a TON when they're that age.  

    If he used the words "give in" it means he's doing it against his will, but will do it to keep you quiet.  Men don't want to hear pregnant women screeching about getting married.  

    Just relax... 

    My advice, elope.  That's not sarcastic... it's my real advice.  



  • Ditto the PP.

    Many of us that did plan a big wedding before would recommend eloping to anyone. Seriously. Wedding planning is a PITA.

    Find out if him wanting to wait for a bigger wedding is just an excuse he is using to wait on marriage in general.

  • I definitely understand your dilemma. I've known a lot of people who have been in this situation. Some of them got married before the baby, some got married after.

    Obviously there are pro's and con's to both, which the pps have already listed. 

    I think what it comes down to is whether it is important that you are married before the baby comes. Like others have said, when your LO gets old enough, he/she is going to be able to do the math and figure it out.... so it's already too late to avoid that.

    If the wedding itself is more important to you, I think you should wait until after LO arrives. You mentioned that people will be so focused on the baby that they won't care about your wedding, but I don't think this is true at all. The wedding day will still be about you guys. And once the baby arrives, you might feel differently and really feel proud to have LO involved in the wedding.

    Either way, you're not going to get exactly the wedding you envisioned. But I think you have to consider what's REALLY important to you, rather than focusing on superficial stuff. Remember, the wedding day is supposed to be about marrying the man you love. Ultimately, when you look back on your wedding day, all you're going to care about is who was there and what the wedding day symbolized. 

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  • is there some other compromise that you can make? like buy the dress you want and go to a justice of the peace, then you will still have your figure, and your dress, and your friends and family should be able to come, then after you have the baby then have a giant reception similar to the wedding you actually wanted?

    i told my boyfriend a while ago that if we got pregnant before we got married i refuse to go through the big wedding celebration because it wouldn't be that important to me anymore. and he was ok with that and so far my feelings haven't changed.

    either way i think you should both be happy in the decision that you come up with.

    Bre Wrties
  • If you want to have both you could always elope or have a courthouse wedding now and do a vow renewal on your 1st anniversary.  DH and I eloped, long before TTC and didn't have a vow renewal, never had any regrets. 
  • I'm in the same boat too... this baby is a HUGE surprise and has totally thrown all previous planning out the window.  My first impulse was to get married before the LO arrives.  12 weeks into this pregnancy...I'm exhausted and don't have enough energy to wedding plan.  I've been married before and planning a wedding is a b*tch.  

     A courthouse wedding is looking like the way we'll go.  All I really want is to be married to the man I love.  I don't care how or where it happens.  For a few weeks I clung to my idea of a great wedding to celebrate with friends and family, but it's just too much right now.  At least it is for us.  

     Remember there are two of you.  The decision has to be right for the both of you.  I can't tell you what to do, but I do urge you both to come to the decision together. 



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  • To your number 1 concern - unless you get married in the next couple weeks, you won't have your pre-baby body.  Mine's already starting to widen...

    I wouldn't rush a wedding just because your pregnant, but I've never been in the situation.  I can only assume that I would focus on the baby right now and this exciting time and plan a wedding later.  If you want to be married before the baby is born, elope or go to the courthouse and then have a vow renewal wedding later with family. 

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  • I waited until after the  baby was born to plan the wedding. Let me just say, that I probably didn't put the same amount of effort into planning as I would have beforehand. Don't get me wrong, I loved my day, but I sort of wish we would have just done something small before he was born, with just our really close family and friends. After B was born, I was all about him and didn't really care to plan something extravagant. That's just me though. You need to work it out with your bf. 

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  • have you looked into the availability at Ceasar's Palace in the next 2 months.   Good luck with that.
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  • I had the same situation except I had everything already planned and booked. So I couldnt change anything and I would have been almost 9 months pregnant when we would have gotten married. I ended up having complications and Aurora was born exactly 1 week before we got married. Everything worked out in the end. I was in a wedding this weekend and the bride and groom had 2 kids one was almost 3 and the other one just a little over 1. Everything worked out with that wedding to and it was cute cause the girls were the flower girls. So really the choice is yours.
  • image Emjay221:

    4.  Newborns don't take that much energy that it would prevent you from going online, or jotting things down in a wedding planner, making some calls.  You may not realize this, but they sleep a TON when they're that age.  

    *chuckle*  I respectfully disagree on this one.  nb's take a ton of energy, even though they do sleep.  It's a huge adjustment - but maybe it's just me.  I personally wouldn't want to plan a big wedding with a nb - it can be done, but I'd rather just be able to focus on the baby.  

    If it were me, personally, I'd do something very small and intimate  beforehand, and maybe save the big Caesar's Palace shindig until afterward, once things are a bit more settled, perhaps as a 1st anniversary vow renewal or some such.  I'd stress that the two of you do need to come to some sort of compromise on it. 

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  • It's not an easy situation to be in.  I've never been in your position, but I see all of your points.  You want the fairytale almost everyone else got to have if they wanted it.  The focus on the bride and groom, the traditional parties, etc.  I can see how that would be hard to give up.

    If you are worried about the impression you may have on your future son or daughter by not being married before conception, you can use your experience to help them understand why they wouldn't want to be in the same boat.  You can always tell children no, don't do this.  But it always stands stronger when you can say why you don't want them to do something.  You can tell them you don't want them to feel like they were cheated out of the ideal storybook wedding possibility.

    You didn't mention what your BF's reasons were for wanting to delay the wedding.  Maybe he has a good reason.

    I would probably do the JOP quickie and then do the formal wedding 6 months or so later (or do it as your 1 year anniversary).  Set up the JOP wedding to be in 3 weeks or so, get a dress that has the corset style back so your waist is a little more adjustable.  Then you can have time to do a spa day or something for your bachelorette party (obv no drinking!).  Then you can throw together a quick registry and depending on your family dynamics and their proximity to each other, you can always look into having a shower.  The shower definitely depends on family dynamics - otherwise you could come off as being selfish and wanting gifts, rather than having a natural level of selfishness of the typical wedding events.  I tend to be the type of person who would throw a shower for one of my cousin's if they were in this situation...not everyone would do that or think it's appropriate...I just wouldn't want them to feel like they missed out on the traditional things.

    If you nix the shower idea, but still have an intimate party about you guys, after your JOP wedding, just have everyone back at your place for a BBQ. Or perhaps one of your friends or a family member is the type to want to host this party for you.

    The best thing you can do is think of yourself 10 years from now - what do you really want this year to have been about?

    My guess is you are at the same point in life (age tends to be irrelevant in most cases) as any bride to be.  99% of brides to be are in a selfish stage of life.  And there's nothing wrong with it.  A year or two after a wedding, most people tend to come out of that stage and typically that makes it emotionally easier to have kids (in my opinion).  You're just ready to give things up for something or someone else.  Once you have a child, the selfishness needs tend to go away in the majority of people.  I'm only pg with my first (so take this with a large grain of salt), but several of my friends have toddlers and it's what I've noticed in them.  Moving out of the selfish stage is not something that can be forced on you or you may feel robbed of a rite of passage of sorts.  My guess is that once you have the baby, the wedding will seem less significant and you will want your child to be a part of it.  But that doesn't make you silly or immature for having the thoughts you do now of wanting the storybook wedding - it makes you normal for that point in life.

    I hope this helps.  If you were one of my friends or family members IRL, I wouldn't judge you one way or another.  You've got to do what will leave you with the fewest regrets.

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  • get married. i am in the same situation, me and my boyfriend..well now fiance were planning on getting married just not until next couple years..i  found out i was pregnant when i was 4 weeks, we are getting married august 14th! So it was stressful but we have gotten everything together so well, people will help!!! :)
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  • I have also not been in this situation but if I had the main point you were hitting on that I would focus on is compromise.  Obviously both you and BF are feeling a bit tense about this, understandably, especially if he is saying it feels like he is going to have to 'give in.'  If it were me, I would ask him to get married at the courthouse (hire a professional photographer to take cute pictures at the courthouse if it is cute- ours is especially old and cute, get your hair done, get a dress, have him in a suit, go out to a really nice dinner with family and close friends with toasts after so it still feels like a celebration, you could even pick up a bouquet of flowers and have a friend with a cool car drive you there and to the restaurant, etc.) as the part that makes you happy so you are actually married when baby comes, but then stress the part that the compromise for him is that to take part in this now, he gets to have the wedding he (and you both want) in Las Vegas after the baby comes.  I only had one wedding, however, I know my parents had several (they married prior to children but then had to participate in the ceremony again when they realized they were going to raise us in a religion back then that required them to have married in that faith).  My mom wore a suit to one of the weddings and back in that time she said it was customary to go out to a restaurant and then back to a family's home to celebrate anyway.  And she ALWAYS looks back on it happily, no matter how many times they were married or which one it was, she was just happy to get to express her love for my dad several different times.  And while I understand the other poster's comments about telling your children how 'not to do things' I rather appreciate the view of how much love you were able to share and show between each other by getting married several different ways.  And you'll likely have cute pictures to show from both of how really happy you were at both times :)  Just my opinion, but I think it could be cute both ways!

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  • I agree with some others that you should get married now with a small intimate ceremony. And you don't have to do it at a courthouse. See if you could find someone to officiate a small outdoor wedding at a friend or relative's house. Invite your close friends and family. Personally I would not want to have to plan a wedding with a newborn. Everyone I know that has had a baby is exhausted with a newborn. If you get married before then everything will be taken care of and you can just focus on your baby. There is actually a girl I work with who was planning on getting married and got pregnant and her child has to be three or four yrs old by now. And she's still not married. They had a date set for this yr but the wedding is pushed back again until next yr. So there are things that could keep pushing it back. Just my two cents but hope it helps and hope you and your bf are able to come to an agreement easily. GL!
  • Like a pp said, I would find out really why he wants to wait, make sure you aren't rushing into getting married if he isn't ready.  It will be better for your relationship in the long run if you can come to an agreement and neither of you feel you are being pushed into doing what you don't want to do.

     I haven't been in your position, but my bff was, and they decided to wait until after the baby was born.  She ended up getting to have the wedding she wanted, and it was beautiful, and really focused on her & her hubby, not the baby.  But then they got some really cute pictures with their daughter at their wedding too.  I also had another friend who did get married before the baby was born, and had a very gorgeous wedding.  She ended up wearing a beautiful empire waisted dress and you couldn't even tell she was pregnant, I think she was around 20ish weeks by then.

    Good luck on your decision, but make sure you both can agree.

  • Thank you for your responses!

    We talked about it today and he said if it's that important to me to be married before the baby comes, then for me to gather some ideas and we will talk about it on Thursday, which is the first time we'll see eachother in person since he left to travel for work.

    I have no doubts about him *not* wanting to get married, we are ridiculously happy and he is the type of guy that wouldn't do something if he didn't want to.

    "Giving in" was probably a poor choice of words. He said it's not "giving in" about getting married, but about when to get married.

    He understands how I feel, and I think we are going to move forward with the wedding planning. I'm not the type of person that would do a courthouse wedding. It's just not "me." I spent the day with my parents and we talked about the possibility of a wedding at Caesar's in Las Vegas on a weekDAY in Sept or Oct. It will be all family and close friends, therefore a weekday wedding wouldn't really be a big deal. I have always wanted a fairytale wedding, I just don't want a HUGE fairytale wedding. :) And a smaller wedding is doable on a weekday. I think so anyway... I bet it's extremely rare, so I don't think we'll have a problem setting a resort.

    Our "Plan B" is a destination wedding in the Caribbean. Again, a weekday would be okay, so it shouldn't be too hard to find an open date. We are going on vacation to Punta Cana next week, so if we love it, maybe we'll just get married there...

    I'll keep you all updated. :)

    Thanks again for the advice, it made me feel so much better to hear everyone's input and encouragement. :) :)

  • No word of a lie im on the exact same boat. My fiance and I are in the middle of planning. I emailed my wedding consultant at Caesers to send me over the contact last night, My plan was to send it back on thursday. I missed my period...only by 5 days lately my period has been so messed that I didnt think too much of it. Just to get a peice of mind before I booked the wedding I wanted to do a pregancy test today. As it turns out I am pregnant. I have no clue what to do. I bought my invitations. Im going to Vegas to get married no matter what...I just dont knot who what when how? What a dayyy!
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  • image hhhmmm:

    She really means this... because it's ALL BOLDED AND CAPITALIZED!!!!   And ridiculously annoying to read.  My eyes went all crossed. 

  • Didn't you have to have a date on the invitations when you bought them?? 
  • Whew! Okay, well, I'm in the same situation.....my boyfriend and I were VERY surprised by this pregnancy - and just can't wait to meet our daughter (in 3 weeks - wow)! Even though we know we're each others "forever" person, we absolutely would not want to get married right now.

    Unless you're extremely traditional and appearances are that important to you, I really don't see the point of all the stress of a wedding right now. I'm so looking forward to the day that our lives are established (both with baby and finances), and I can truly enjoy my special day, marrying the sweet father of my child. The only "traditional" thing that is important to me is that LO and I have the same last name by the time she starts to talk. As a previous poster stated, she's already going to know that I got pregnant before marriage - which is something I will have no problem explaining when she's old enough.

    Being 8 months pregnant is hard enough - I can't imagine simultaneously building a new life as a newlywed and trying to edify my new husband while working fulltime to grow baby girl. My advice would be to wait: it's only a year, and you'll be even more attached and excited to marry your man after this special year together! 

  • i found out i was pregnant in april & we decided to get married in june. i think my situation was a little easier than yours as i had a few other influences on our decision. neither of us wanted a big wedding, and my pastor was retiring at the end of june. i had a lot of help planning a quick, small wedding and it turned out beautifully. no one had anything negative to say about our decision either. before we found we were pregnant we had discussed marriage, but it was always on the back burner. after we found out it became much more important to me. i wanted to have the same last name (my parents didn't get married until i was 6 & although i never encountered any real problems, i didn't want my child to have any questions as to why we weren't married or why names were different) and i wanted him to be more than what we lovingly refer to as "baby daddy". i was about 4 months pregnant & had found a dress that was perfect for hiding any resemblance of a baby bump (i was already getting chunkier!!) and i think i looked more beautiful than any other day in my life. i agree with doing something small & informal now and then having something big later on. see if he'll agree to a plan like that?

  • I'm also in the same boat. I wanted to be married before I got pregnant. Things happen and now I have a baby boy on the way that I wouldn't change for the world. But reading your dilemma and all the responses it put things into a little more perspective for me. The baby isn't going to know or understand at 1 years old that you weren't married before you conceived.  If he remembered the day at all, he'll remember how amazing the wedding is and to be a part of it.  You cant force someone into something they aren't ready for, no matter what his reason.  You both need to agree because it's what you both want.  Maybe you can let him know you will wait if that's what he needs but that you would like the date set & KEPT between you two.  Then go out and have fun.  Go out and pick your dress out while you have the body you want.  Then after the baby it will give you some motivation to get back to that body.  GOOD LUCK & Congratulations!
  • We were also talking about marriage when I found out I was 5 weeks pg.  We got engaged a few weeks later and told our families about the engagement and held off the news of the baby.  We picked our date and then told our family and friends we were expecting.  It sometimes bothers me.....but I started growing around 12 weeks.  So we would have had a lot of planning in a short time.  Our date is 9 months after the baby is born.  I'm very happy with my decision....in reality it would be nice to be married before baby.  But think about it....everyone has pre-marital sex.  If they say they didn't they are liars or they are those pure people we don't want to be (came from my mom when I was worried about what other's would think of me becoming a mother before marriage.  =))

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  • We were in the same situation and I had similiar feelings. We had been engaged for a year already when I found out I was pregnant, but I was very indecisive about what kind of wedding I wanted, so I was dragging my feet planning it. My fiance kept giving me the typical "it's your day, plan it how you want it" response which was really frustrating (he did help me make decisions throughout the process, but he wanted to make sure I was really happy with how everything turned out).

    Anyways, I knew it would be hard to plan a wedding while I was pregnant, but in my personal situation, I knew things would be harder to plan after the baby was here. Between being in the military, both of us working fulltime, owning a house, having a dog, and then a baby, we knew the finances werent going to be there either after baby came. In our situation, it was better to be married before our LO arrived. Sure I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and was huge, but our wedding turned out perfect. I had bought a cute white maxi dress (so it would expand to fit baby) and we had an outside wedding and reception with family and friends. It was exhausting and VERY stressful to plan and get things done while being pregnant, but I do not regret it at all. Everyone had a great time, and it turns out even though I didnt know what my "ideal" wedding was going to be, I got it anyway.

     Plus, it gave me enough time to have my name changed (it meant a lot to me, even though our maiden name goes on the birth certificate) and to change over our insurance to the family plan before LO arrives. We were already planning to get married, so it wasn't like a shotgun wedding since I got pregnant. We had A LOT of help and support from both our families to get it all ready too, which was really helpful! It all depends on your personal situation and what you feel will work best for you and your fiance. But, I think you need to sit down with him and go over pros and cons together so that no one feels forced to compromise. Good luck!


  • I was engaged when we found out we were pregnant and was in the same situation. At the time, it was important to me to be married before he came but looking back, I wish I would have either eloped or waited until after. We had a normal huge wedding when I was  approx 6mos. pregnant and I didn't enjoy it a bit. I loved the ceremony part but the party part was miserable for me. I was way too stressed during the whole planning process and doing all the preparations. The day was totally stressful. I was sick and tired and just wanted to lay in bed not have a huge wedding. It was beautiful and should have been a really happy day but I was so stressed, sick and preoccupied that I barely enjoyed it. I wish we would have eloped and got married on the beach or just done something really small if we did it before and maybe had a huge affair later. As time passes though, I'm beginning to remember the day more fondly. My LO is now 11 wks old and the wedding was Feb 20th.  I'd follow what your heart says. It's not totally irrational to feel like you want to get married before. I totally understand. Just try not to do too much like I did. I wish I would have held back a little but also didn't want to lose my "dream wedding." I think in the long-run I'll be happy with our decision and that I got the beautiful wedding day but it was a lot to deal with when being pregnant. I am SO happy though that we brought Owen into the world as a married couple.
  • My husband and I got engaged March 23, 2007 and planned to have our wedding one year later on March 21, 2008. In October 2007 we found out we were pregnant, not planned but not prevented either. We kept on our schedule to plan our wedding for that next year and date regardless of me being pregnant. I'm so glad that we did because on our wedding day March 21, 2008 I was 5 months pregnant, glowing and beautiful in my dress and we had the best wedding and day ever. It took me almost 2 years to get to my pre-pregnancy weight after the baby and that was with eating right and exercising, so don't set yourself up for failure by thinking you can and it will automatically come off, it doesn't even with working out. I'd say if you too are already engaged and planning to marry do it before the baby comes because that's what you'd be doing anyway if you hadn't gotten pregnant. You never know after the baby gets here it may be some other dilemma that comes up, life is full of them.
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