Parenting

So one of my very very good friends called me today

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Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today

  • Honestly I really dont think it is about you at all. You see because if she really didnt trust you, she would not have continued the friendship at all. She just doesnt have trust in her husband. She knows her husband best and you probably dont know what going on behind the scenes. He could get extra happy when he received a text from you, or they way he may talk about you or how he may look at you, that only his wife can pick up on, and she maybe feeling a bit jealous or suspicious of her husbands motives, so rather than allowing you to play into his fanticies or allowing you to get caught up in some unneccessary drama she respectfully asked you not to text him. I dont think you should be upset. I mean the flip side could be worse, she respected you enough as a friend to address the situation. Rather than accussing you of anything and ending the friendship completely. She maybe having martial issues and simply wants you to respect her wishes....

  • So this is similar to something that happened to me, except there was no "early on" trust issue in their marriage, nor was there ever a discussion.  I have a guy friend that I have known since I was 14.  We had been very good friends (but nothing more) for 15 years when he married a really awesome girl.  She and I became friends as well, and it just so happened that I began to speak to her more than him.  (He being a guy, he never was that great at keeping in touch anyway.) 

     But over time I noticed that whenever I'd send him an email about getting our families together, she would respond on his behalf.  Same with phone calls; I'd call him, she'd respond.  Then on one occasion, I found something that belonged to him that he'd asked me to keep safe while he was serving overseas in the first Persian Gulf war.  I called him to arrange returning it to him, and she called me back to tell me that I could arrange that through *her*. 

    That is when I realized that this is just how it was going to be with them; she would be the gatekeeper in our relationship, though I honestly would have no problem whatsoever if she contacted my DH to make plans (if the roles were reversed).  But not everyone is like this.  I think it depends on the couple, really.  In your case, that is just how it is w/ them, so best to just accept it and find a way to remain friends, if their friendship is important to you.  Good luck!

     

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  • I agree that you shouldn't read too much into it, It's not you some women just think that private messages (especially if he is deleting and not telling her) just look suspicious. Particularly if they had an issue in the past.

    I live in South Alabama, and we were raised that you don't socialize privately with married men. It just doesn't look right, from an outsider looking in. I know if my friend called me and told me that a friend of hers was always texting her DH and he was deleting his text regularly I would warn her to be suspicious.

  • If we all could live in this fairytale! The fact is that 75% of the American population has been caught or is cheating on their spouse. It would be nice to know that everyone felt the way you do, but unfortunately they don't.
  • First I just want to say that you are doing nothing wrong and yes It is just an issue with their relationship not you. I can say this from personal expierience because i"m going through something similar but on the opposite side of things. We have a couple that we are friends with but because of the feelings I get while were all together and the issues we have had in the past (dp and I) I have asked that they not hang out alone together, if they are talking on the phone he isn't to leave the room to do so either. I'm not sure about the way you are around him but my Dp and the girl get a lil flirty from time to time and I just don't like it! I can imagine this friend of yours (the girl) is probably upset and hurt as well and her hubby is probably giveing her a bit of a hastle over it because the more they argue or protest the stronger we feel that they are hiding something or doing something wrong.
  • imagebekaadams49:
    If we all could live in this fairytale! The fact is that 75% of the American population has been caught or is cheating on their spouse. It would be nice to know that everyone felt the way you do, but unfortunately they don't.

    uh???  is this in reference to a specific post?

    I think my head might explode.  Just because people text, or are around someone of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE CHEATING.

    People would cheat without it.  And they did.  And it was probably as prevalent - you just didn't find out about it or hear about it as much.

    If you're going to cheat?  You're going to cheat.  With or without texting.  Most normal people do not have uncontrollable urges that force them to cheat when given the opportunity.  You must be married to one of those guys who gets uncontrollable boners and falls on unsuspecting women every time he is alone w/ one. 

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  • I am sorry your friendship is hurt. I can see what the wife means. It is a little weird for you and her hubby to be texting regularly without her involved. ESPECIALLY if she's had issues with him. That's the main issue. If I'm friends with a couple, I text the both of them simultaneously unless Im planning a surprise or something :). That being said, talk to your friend about it and come to some resolution. I know you are hurt but it sounds like your friend is having marital issues and needs your support!
  • imageeclaires:

    imagebekaadams49:
    If we all could live in this fairytale! The fact is that 75% of the American population has been caught or is cheating on their spouse. It would be nice to know that everyone felt the way you do, but unfortunately they don't.

    uh???  is this in reference to a specific post?

    I think my head might explode.  Just because people text, or are around someone of the opposite sex DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE CHEATING.

    People would cheat without it.  And they did.  And it was probably as prevalent - you just didn't find out about it or hear about it as much.

    If you're going to cheat?  You're going to cheat.  With or without texting.  Most normal people do not have uncontrollable urges that force them to cheat when given the opportunity.  You must be married to one of those guys who gets uncontrollable boners and falls on unsuspecting women every time he is alone w/ one. 

    I would LOVE to see the reference this stat came from....REALLY???? 75%?  I guess no one can trust ANYONE.

    Texting, obviously is the "gateway" to that cheating.....OBVIOUSLY everyone....makes perfect sense.

    Pot is the gateway to coke.

    Texting is the gateway to cheating.

    Got it.

  • As someone who's been in your friends' shoes I can say that even having that conversation is very uncomfortable. My DH and I had problems early on in our marriage, turned out he was emailing back and forth with an X. After I found out I was insecure and vulnerable.

    My hubby has a sweet disposition and is very easy to talk to  (esp for women) We had a few really close friends that were female who out of respect for our marriage backed off  and communicated through me or at least with me around so that everything was on the "up and up".I appreciate those women more now than anyone could ever imagine. 

    It is absolute torture to have to approach friends and have this conversation. I aggree with the advise that other people are giving, keep in mind this is their issue not yours, if she is your friend be there for her, there may be some vibe, action, behavior or mannerism that her hubby is giving off that reminds her of the situation that caused the earlier trust issue, you never know. It sounds like SHE needs you to be there as HER friend right now.

  • Maybe you should start texting your husband more and  your friends husband a lot less...
  • imagektrem063:
    Maybe you should start texting your husband more and  your friends husband a lot less...

    GENIUS IDEA.

    Because dear God, if you text someone 7x per month, clearly you have no time to text your husband, either.

    Can you people read?  Seriously?  The logic fail and lack of reading comprehension in this thread is horrendous.  

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  • I had a male friend from high school who I talked to by email every now and then. My husband, he, and I had been in the same group of friends. We reconnected through his wifwe on facebook. We just spoke twice by email - catching up on what we were up to and married life, blah blah blah.

    Then he emailed me that his wife prefers he not speak to me ever again. Whaaa? He said that out of respect to her he was going to stop talking to any female friends in his life.

    I was hurt and felt like he and she were treating me like a harlot for being his friend. I talked to my husband about it and showed him the email. Then he explained that the problem was NOT with me - it was with HIM. HE had done something that had caused his wife to distrust him and now he was trying to make ammends with her. It had NOTHING to do with me.

    The more I realized there must be a backstory of trust issues with their marriage, the more I realized that it had NOTHING to do with me.

    Your friend's marriage has trust issues. They're going through something right now and you don't want to be caught in the middle. Step out of the situation and realize it's probably not even about you. Good luck!

  • imageamy052006:
    imagegwenypher7:

    I had a male friend from high school who I talked to by email every now and then. My husband, he, and I had been in the same group of friends. We reconnected through his wifwe on facebook. We just spoke twice by email - catching up on what we were up to and married life, blah blah blah.

    Then he emailed me that his wife prefers he not speak to me ever again. Whaaa? He said that out of respect to her he was going to stop talking to any female friends in his life.

    I was hurt and felt like he and she were treating me like a harlot for being his friend. I talked to my husband about it and showed him the email. Then he explained that the problem was NOT with me - it was with HIM. HE had done something that had caused his wife to distrust him and now he was trying to make ammends with her. It had NOTHING to do with me.

    The more I realized there must be a backstory of trust issues with their marriage, the more I realized that it had NOTHING to do with me.

    Your friend's marriage has trust issues. They're going through something right now and you don't want to be caught in the middle. Step out of the situation and realize it's probably not even about you. Good luck!

    This I get. The difference to me is that your friend's wife took this up with him, and your friend made the decision to stop in order to appease her.

    Where the wife in the OP crossed into psycho drama queen land was calling her and asking her to back off. 

     

    But apparently she DID ask her husband to show her the texts and tried to deal with it on their own...and they were mysteriously deleted. I don't think she should have contacted the OP but it sounds like the guy is doing a lot of things to make her have suspicions.

    I'm not saying the wife is right to go to the OP, but I am saying that the husband makes it look suspicious and maybe she's had some other issues that she wasn't able to look into. If this was my really really close friend, I would want to salvage the relationship by putting her mind at ease on my side anyways. Then she could deal with the issues she has with her husband seperately.

  • If you are "very very good friends" with her then I would not text her husband. But if you were friends with him first, before he married his wife, then it would be OK to text him. But since you met both of them, after they were married, then it's more appropriate for you to text her and plan things through her. Sorry I have to agree with her. I don't think I would be comfortable with my girlfriends or my husband's friend's wives texting my husband.
  • Get over it! That is, If you want to remain friends with her. If she has an issue with it, you should respect her and understand that she is not comfortable with it. I'm sure if you didn't like something that she did, you would hope and expect her to respect your bounderies. Am I right?
  • i can see where ur friend is comin from but u gotta understand it is alil weird and off settin. My DH and i r freinds with this other coouple and whenever i text her H my H gets a lil antsy and i get it cuz i get that way when it is the other way around. And maybe it would not be as bad if u were to text her too not just her DH
  • imageamhough:

    Eh, I guess I'm in the minority here, but if you are making plans or just having casual banter, than do it with the wife.  There is a couple we are freinds with, and while we all do things together, I don't communicate independently with him and she doesn't communicate with DH.  I just think it's a boundary thing.

    I agree

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  • This thread is still going? Dead. Well done, Winery. I should send you a gift on FB as a token of my appreciation for the entertainment. Smooches.
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  • I'm sorry, maybe you all are young.   I just wouldn't text my friends' husbands on a regular basis.  I only have emailed one of my friend's when her parents died, wondering what we could do for her.  Why aren't you texting your friend?   I feel like you all are leaving yourselves open for an extremely uncomfortable situation- which obviously this young lady is going through now.  I do have male friends that I have known my whole life and communicate with them and their wives.  They are like friends of the family.

    Men and women are different.  Ever watch Juno?   I feel like you all are the young girl that doesn't get it.  My husband wouldn't text his friends' wives either.  In a society riddled with divorce, why would any of you want to put your marriages at risk- in any way?

     My family is too important to open my marriage to awkward or inappropriate situations where people could get hurt.  Maybe people need to look at themselves and ask why they are texting other men.

  • Susu, you're right.  I don't get it and I never will because in my world men and women can be friends w/out that arousing suspicion, causing cheating, risking my marriage, hurting anyone, or anything of that nature.  They can call each other, email, text - they can even hang out!  It's amazing.

    I text other men (and talk/email/hang out with other men) because they are my friends.  Novel, I know.  They are equivalent to my female friends and I refuse to be constrained in my friendships by some bizarre, antiquated social norm.

    I'm sorry that you're married to someone who cannot be around other women w/out risking your marriage.  It must be a sad life.  I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

    Also, I love this thread.  I love it so much.  I want to text it and cheat on my husband with it.

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  • imageeclaires:

     

    Also, I love this thread.  I love it so much.  I want to text it and cheat on my husband with it.

    dead.

    quote of 2010, hands down.

  • Here's my take on things:

    I think you need to respect your gal pal's request and move on and get over it. It may be "harmless" texting now, but that sort of behavior *sometimes* leads to more. I'm not saying in this case that it would have, but considering her admission of breaches of trust with her DH in the past, she's taking some preventative measures. Her DH is the one who needs to open his mouth and be vocal if he doesn't agree with this decision, not you.

    Personally, I would not be ok with my husband texting back and forth with another woman. Its secretive. However, he has lots of female FB friends, and I am ok with that. I can see his wall and I can see that his friends are being respectful of me and his marital commitment in their interactions.

  • imageem0317:

    Personally, I would not be ok with my husband texting back and forth with another woman. Its secretive. However, he has lots of female FB friends, and I am ok with that. I can see his wall and I can see that his friends are being respectful of me and his marital commitment in their interactions.

    That's so generous of you!  Do you let him use the private message function on FB?  What about email?

    In all seriousness, I can understand not being okay with texting or asking to see emails or whatever if your husband has proven untrustworthy.  At the same time, if your husband has not proven to be untrustworthy and you do trust him, WHY be paranoid?  Seems like a sh*tty way to live.

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  • i had a situation like this with my ex-fiance being paranoid about me texting my guy friend (it ended up being a guilt issue for him; another story entirely) but the solution we came up with was carbon copies: i texted my guy friend, and sent the same thing to the fiance. guy friend texted me and sent the same thing to my fiance also. it actually helped a lot with the elephant factor, cuz my friend and i were both willing to work with my fiance and help him to realize his concern was misplaced and we could be trusted.

     

     but i gotta ask - how many guys ever delete their text messages? if your friend saw this as a sign of guilt, i wouldn't blame her. it's just a shame she's using you as a scapegoat.

  • Just send her forwards of the damn texts, so she can set her mind at ease.  If you don't, she'll think there was something to hide.  Then, it will just get worse.

    Maybe she will still be uncomfy, but I'd be pissed if someone was texting my guy too.  It just seems disrespectful to text him and not her.   Maybe you're not the only person he texts.  If he deleted them, as you said, she's probably even more suspicious.  So... if you still have yours, just send them... the incoming and outgoing. 

    Why are you so troubled by it?  Is the loss of his texts that bad?  

    Her issue is probably that he's done something wrong in the past, or maybe she's hurt that you're popping into each other's heads.  

     

  • imageeclaires:
    imageem0317:

    Personally, I would not be ok with my husband texting back and forth with another woman. Its secretive. However, he has lots of female FB friends, and I am ok with that. I can see his wall and I can see that his friends are being respectful of me and his marital commitment in their interactions.

    That's so generous of you!  Do you let him use the private message function on FB?  What about email?

    Don't forget private chatting on FB.  :-)

  • SERIOUSLY...What's the big deal?  If your "friend" wants you to stop contacting "her" husband via texting... for whatever reason, then I think you should just respect her wishes and stop being so hypersensitive.  Didn't she say she has trust issues.  I mean for you to be so hurt is very insensitive as far as I'm concerned.  It's just not that serious that you send texts to someone else's husband now is it?  

  • well, i think that if y'all weren't texting anything that was important or that y'all didn't text that often, then her asking you to stop texting him shouldn't really be a big deal to you. i understand that that makes the friendship a little awkward, but i think that you should let it go and understand (just like everyone else is saying) that its something between them and its not you. obviously, him deleting those messages (and maybe others that you don't know about) is questionable to her. people are different and some people don't mind women texting their husbands, but me personally i would not like you texting my husband when we are all friends. i think that you should be texting me those things and if the situation were different, like y'all worked together and we weren't all friends like that and you were talking strictly business then there wouldn't be a problem. i think there are some boundarys to some people that shouldn't be crossed when it comes to relationships. 
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  • It sounds like you are really wanting to hear us say "she's wrong-you're right" or "don't worry...you did nothing wrong!" Does it matter what other people think in terms of who's "right" in this situation? Bottom line is that it happened and she is probably just as humiliated as you are upset. No matter who's right/wrong, the situation is not going to change the fact that you are going to feel awkward and that they are going through some real marriage issues. I would lovingly recommend to quit obsessing over it since it's not something that can be changed at this point. I'm sure you've got more important things going on, right?? 
  • This is a really weird situation.  First, don't take it personal.  I can understand both sides.  It's not really a friend issue it's a boundary issue.  I have several married friends and I have the phone numbers for a couple of their husbands.  But we do not text/call each other.  I wouldn't do that out of respect for their relationship.  The last text I received from a friend's husband was about her surprise bday party. 

    Second, this is an issue in their marriage and obviously it's a big one.  The fact that his messages were deleted is suspect.  I can understand from your point of view they were platonic based, but there is a reason he doesn't have them anymore.  Why would he hide communication with you?  You just happen to be a casualty in a problem that has been festering in their relationship.  It really has nothing to do with you or your character.  Honestly, It doesn't matter that you met as a couple.  There is still a such thing as a "homewrecker" and that's just a sad truth.  We all know somewhere in the back of our minds, if it were "our" man, we may feel the same way.

    Now I understand that you are hurt. Especially if you considered her a really good friend.  But as a friend, she should be able to come to you and express concerns without you getting too upset.  That's how real friendships survive.  They aren't always pretty.  This is akward but shouldn't jeopardize the friendship if you guys are "really" friends.  But that's the bigger issue, are you friends or acquaintances.  You guys should be able to talk about it and move past it. 

    I hope you guys are able to move forward in your friendship and leave this unfortunate incident in the past.  Just an observation.  Hope it helps. 

     

      

     

     

  • Friends or not I don't see a reason why you needed to text her husband. Don't you have your own husband to text? I would feel the same way as your friend, regardless to any trust issues. I think that there might be some problems in the friendship with her for a while but maybe they will subside. You have to draw a line somewhere and texting, calling, emailing, hanging out with somebody else's spouse just isn't a good idea regardless of your intentions.
  • I agree - no one sets out to have an affair or an innappropriate relationship - it truly does just happen - very innocently - at first.

    I am not in ANY way implying you are going to - it's just that everything and anything is subject to change.

    I have seen way to many marriages fail because of a few "innocent texts" - or a few innocent FB messages...

     If she needs that from you as a friend - honor her in that. You never know what really goes on in a marriage - even if you are friends with them - you may not know all he's put her through.... love her - support her - and be there for HER.

    Take it from me - I am just like that friend - my Husband has hurt me beyond belief and broken my trust way too many times - so I can understand your friend. It's not about you - it truly is about him!

  • I'm sorry your feelings got hurt over this.   I personally would feel the same as your friend.  I dont care who it is, they better have a very good reason for texting my husband all the time.  I'm sure maybe your friend has been thru some things before and they have a trust issue.  I have been thru some crap with my DH in the past and of course it had to do with someone who I "thought" was a good friend and family friend.  But boy was I ever so wrong.   So don't let your feelings get hurt over this.  I'm sure it's nothing against you, but more of the trust issue between them.

  • I think your friend's trust issues lie mainly with her husband.. not so much with you. I personally don't see where you would have done anything wrong. It all seemed completely innocent.. Not everyone would see it that way, though. She may have good reason not to trust her husband or she may just be over reacting... Either way, you should probably respect her wishes if you want to remain her friend.
  •  

    Okay, so no one asked my opinion, but:

    Give your friend credit for being honest with you about how this.  This really is a credit to your friendship (that she can be honest and not do the petty thing behind your back).  As you mentioned she has trust issues with her husband.  Again feels confident enough in your friendship that could share this insecurity with you.  Yes, it was hurtful that she would imply any impropriety on your part.  But insecurity makes the best of us crazy.  Now here is the part that you are not going to be happy about.  She has every right to say stop texting my husband.  And as her friend, you should stop texting her husband.  I'm positive she did not want to hurt your feelings.  Try not to let this get between you two.  Friendships are complicated.  I had a very dear friend of mine tell me she sees me as competition.  FLOORED me because I saw her as a good friend with a great sense of humor and shopping partner.  So after the ?competition? comment I realized I saw her differently than she saw me.  I decided to continue the friendship, but in a different capacity. 

    Good luck and try to remove the emotion and maybe try to see her side.

    Monique

     

  • I wonder what some of you prudes would say to this- I text regularly with my husband's unmarried friend to make plans with him and his new girlfriend, or with him and his daughter.. And my husband knows, and often TELLS me to text him.. does that make ME the untrustworthy one?!?!
  • Hee, Hee, This.

    I am the only wife in my FF league too- and we all email/message board - and it is all innocent, but not all clean - DH thinks its hysterical and they joke that I should be the community wife since I'm so laid back... LOL

    In any case, it is clear that your poor friend has MAJOR issues with her marriage- and although I would probably feel the same way you do- it doesn't seem to be a reflection of her thoughts on you, but rather a manifestation of her own insecurities... Maybe let it die down a bit and then see where it goes, or like someone else posted- cc both of them- then the wife would feel included?  Tough situation you got there, hope all works out well for you!

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  • Can not believe that people are still replying to this.

    The horse is so dead that it's decomposing.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

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  • I e-mailed one of my friends Hubbys once or twice just to respond to an rsvp...and I write nice stuff about them as a couple on fb. Thats about it. If its innocent than I wouldnt feel bad about not texting anymore... I would however talk to my friend about how it made me feel, that she thought I would ever do that to her.

    But for what its worth I wouldn't care to continue texting him since its innocent...let them work on their trust issues and relationship, you are basically on the outside looking in and she may have a reason why she doesn't trust him. And no, you are not wrong fro texting him if it was completely innocent.

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