I totally agree with you. I was in a very similar boat, except I was the one who asked my friend to watch how she acts towards my hubbie. It took me so long to build up the courage to even discuss it because I knew it was a subject that could totally be taken the wrong way... and of course, it was.
She was my best friend first, and then became close to my husband. It wasn't a trust issue for me because I knew both rationally & in my heart that nothing would ever actually happen between the two of them. The issue I couldn't get over was how her "extra attention" to him made me feel. I'll admit, it was jealousy - she was supposed to be my close friend and every time she tried to make plans with just him, even jokingly, I felt very left out. This was also some time after she told me that when we first got married, she felt like he was taking me away from her... so instead of trying to strenghten our friendship, she tried to grow theirs and ended up alienating me in the process.
So, Steph, I know your feelings were hurt and it's a shame that you got intangled in this mess. It sounds like, in your situation, your friend has trust issues with her man. I would say, respect her request and give them some space. They sound like they have some stuff to work out between the two of them. In my situation, I requested that in making plans, everyone involved should get cc'd, whether email or text - that way, no one feels left out. My friend kept contacting my husband directly trying to make vacation plans for the four of us (including her hubbie). From a practical perspective, that also seemed inefficient b/c they would make suggestions, then my husband would ask me my opinion then go back to her... and it's like, why not just include me or ask me directly since we were friends in the first place. Now, from her perspective, that might have seemed harmless... just like you sending a joke directly to your friend's husband, no big deal, right? Well, try putting yourself in her position... think of the questions that could go through her head... like, what are your motives and why am I not included in your joke? When she doesn't have any clear answers to those types of questions, that's when one question is going to lead to another and her feelings are going to get hurt or she's going to get jealous or angry...
So, I hope I didn't go into my past issues too much and tied it in with your current situation. I think if the text messages stop, or if she's included, then don't fret too much about the elephant in the room... there won't be one to worry about - she'll get over it and won't have any more issues with you.
I watched 2 marriages go down the tube because of being "friends" with the opposite sex turned into more. Was something missing from their relationships? Probably, but the texting/talking didn't help. I can see where she is coming from.
I totally agree. I have seen many relationships go down the drain because of the just friends thing- including mine. I talk to DH's friends when they come over to the house and cut up with 'em, but he's involved and vice versa, but I would never call or text any of his friends and he would do the same. It was never talked about between the two of us we're both just like that.
My ex-husband and I were friends with another couple and I worked with the girl. Her and my ex were always texting, IMing and talking to each other all the time and me not wanting to be the jelouse, possesive type allowed it and when my ex and I were arguing he went straight to her to complain about me and she would complain about her husband to him. One night they met up to bash their spouses and had a few drinks and that was it- my marriage was over!
I'm re-married to a wonderful man who I trust and I know he doesn't text or call my friends out of respect for me as I do for him.
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
Clearly none of these idiots have close friends to understand why this is a slap in the face.
I get it, she has a trust issue. Thats her business with her husband. But to bring you into is is absurd! And if thats not bad enough, to ask you to SEND her the texts? My god, so not only does she not trust you, she's essentially calling you a liar. Why does no one see that!!!!!!
Clearly you've never been stabbed in the back by someone you THINK is your close friend. You just wait... someone will let you down and then you'll be the idiot for being so trusting in people.
If its innocent why did he delete his texts? If you were friend with him before her than he is your friend... and you should be able to talk to him....But if he is your friend you would stop texting if its going to harm his relationship with his wife.
Some one once told me that there's a dynamic between married people that i would not understand, until i got married. So true. Something happened, maybe not on your end, since you seem shocked at her response. But sometimes men do stuff that implies other things. Something obviously was said, gestured, implied from your friends H, that your friend caught on and had to run with. Even more so, because there were trust issues. I think that because she was honest and clear about her concerns and needs and communicating that to you, i give her an A+. The execution how ever falls short of this.
someone might ask why you did not text her. but that would still leave your question unanswered... weird as it may sound... taking it to basics... would I be okay with my husband texting one of my friends? Yes, i would. If i suspected something was off/abnormal/weird/fishy NO. I would do the same. Like i said something happened which created this chaotic dominoe effect. It'll be uncomfortable from here on out... different... If you care about her, your friendship, as i think you do, reach out to her and be as honest as she has been. Good Luck. Make things work...
Alert! Red alert! I just got an email from a guy friend to me and a bunch of other guys (not including MH). It was about fantasy sex parties, I mean, football. I guess I'm headed for divorce. So sad.
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Their marriage is doomed. I mean, he's not really being faithful if she's not giving him the opportunity to be otherwise. It's like if your kid gets straight A's cause you do all their work for them, it doesn't mean they could succeed at Harvard on their own. A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. In regards to your friendship with her, I personally wouldn't be able to hang out with her and especially both of them anymore and not feel extremely weird. Just to make a point, you should have your husband start texting her the same type of stuff you'd text to her husband.
I can totally see why your feelings would be hurt but if I were you I wouldn't take it personally. You said there was a trust issue early on in their marriage so she is probably just trying to make sure something like that doesn't happen again. My husband and I have pretty strict rules about stuff like this also. Neither of us texts members of the opposite sex or hangs out with members of the opposite sex. Some might think that's strange but I would rather err on the side of caution. My marriage is my number 1 priority and I don't mind giving up some freedoms to make sure it lasts forever.
Yes. She's correct. There is no point for you to text another man to make family plans or plans for you and him and the kids without her knowledge. Clearly, they weren't just using his phone to communicate with your family. She is uncomfortable. Stop doing it immediately and don't mess up your friendship with her. Unless you do have the hots for the dude.
I wouldn't text another woman's husband even if we do get along as friends. I would have my husband call and text him if need be. I would call and text with the wife. That's just me, it's a respect thing. The more time you spend with someone the more important they become. This is just me.
The real question to me is: why did he delete the texts? That makes me wonder if he thought he was doing something wrong (or planning to) already. Is she overreacting? Yes, definitely. But no wonder she has a trust issue if he's deleting innocent texts on his phone, too. To me, that means that he's had some that either aren't so innocent, or that he has never breached the subject with her SINCE the breach of trust and just wants to avoid it all. Not a healthy marriage, in my opinion.
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
Clearly none of these idiots have close friends to understand why this is a slap in the face.
I get it, she has a trust issue. Thats her business with her husband. But to bring you into is is absurd! And if thats not bad enough, to ask you to SEND her the texts? My god, so not only does she not trust you, she's essentially calling you a liar. Why does no one see that!!!!!!
Clearly you've never been stabbed in the back by someone you THINK is your close friend. You just wait... someone will let you down and then you'll be the idiot for being so trusting in people.
If your marriage can be ruined because your spouse is incapable of being friends with a member of the opposite sex without doing them, then your marriage is a crock in the first place.
This is CRAZY and they need to work on their trust issues BIG TIME. I text my friend's S/O when needed or even just to say a quick word and they do the same. Why does communication have to be filtered through her??? She says that you guys are friends and now she pulls this, I would be hurt to. She's basically saying that not only does she not trust her husband but she also doesn't trust you.... NOT a friend.
I guess she doesn't want you guys hanging out with the kids without her either...
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
Clearly none of these idiots have close friends to understand why this is a slap in the face.
I get it, she has a trust issue. Thats her business with her husband. But to bring you into is is absurd! And if thats not bad enough, to ask you to SEND her the texts? My god, so not only does she not trust you, she's essentially calling you a liar. Why does no one see that!!!!!!
Clearly you've never been stabbed in the back by someone you THINK is your close friend. You just wait... someone will let you down and then you'll be the idiot for being so trusting in people.
Good advice. NEVER trust anyone ,just in case. Awesome. This is so stupid anyways. If a guy is going to cheat he's going to cheat regardless of whether or not he's texting one of my friends or not.
I'm sorry to say it...but from what I know, most women would not feel comfortable if their girlfriends were texting their husbands on a regular basis. Whether or not its just friends...it's not a healthy boundary. Now if you had been really good friends with him for years...before he got married...the occasional text to check in or arrange meetings would be fine.
Of course you are not the only party involved. He shouldn't be contacting her friends casually either. My husband has never done that, just as i don't start texting his guy friends. That doesn't mean you can't have a good time, and good conversations when you meet for parties or dinners.
For good or bad, healthy boundaries are a must for a good marriage. Being trustworthy...means acting trustworthy and being completely transparent.
If you want a good relationship and avoid drama with other women.....despite purely good intentions......it's best not to get too cozy with their husbands.
Cherish your good guy friends, and girlfriends...and remember..your own husband should be your best friend ;-)
Winery and Eclaires you're killing me! I'm having trouble not laughing at work as I read your posts! I would love to be your friends!
All I know is that if my DH didn't talk or text women he wouldn't have any friends. If I didn't talk or text men I wouldn't my social network would be seriously diminished. We are both the type of people that have mainly friends of the opposite sex. And it's okay. I trust him. Period. He's a grown up and so am I.
We all agree that your friend has issues. My feelings are hurt for you. I agree with the previous posters. I'd back away from the whole situation and let them work it out. Sometimes all people need is a little space. As long as the situation is about them, you'll probably get her back as a very good friend after a while. As long as you want her back that is.
BFP #1 9-22-10 Missed M/c 10-18-10 D&E 10-28-10
BFP #2 5-9-11 EDD 1-12-12 Audrey Rachel born 1-12-12
I think you should just forget about this one--and I wouldn't take it personally. Take her at her word and believe that she and her hubby have some real trust issues. There may be -and I suspect there is- a lot more to the story than what she explanined to you. The important thing is that you respect her as a fellow wife, woman, and mother. Unless I missed it, it also did sound like she came at you in an attacking kind of way. Rather is sounded very honest and sincere. I also wouldn't let it make you question your other friendships. It was just clearly over the bounds in THIS relationship.
He obviously deleted the texts because he knew she'd flip out about them. To which I'm sure many of you would reply, then he shouldn't be sending them, but seriously, if the guy's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. What's she gonna do? ... Pin a nanny cam to his crotch so she can see what he does all day, every day? I mean, does he work somewhere where there are no females around ever? It's unrealistic to expect your spouse to never interact with members of the opposite sex and to constantly monitor their behavior as if they were a child is extremely insulting and makes the person doing the monitoring seem very unattractive to the person being monitored, thereby making others seem more attractive by default. She's sabotaging herself. And like she said, when she's trying to make plans with them she'll call the girl first, if she doesn't answer then she calls the husband. And what about the kids. So from now on, the kids can't hang out unless both husbands or both wives are available to take them? Sorry Siggy... you can't play with Bobby today cause "fill-in-the-blank".
Honestly I would encourage you that if BOTH of their friendship is important to you, stay as objective AND supportive as possible. Every marriage has more to work out than meets the eye. Don't take her distrust of HIM personally, instead love and support BOTH of them. You don't know the extent of what they are working through. Love and Support, first of all by doing what she asks, and secondly by not making a big deal out of it. Separate yourself from their marriage, that's between the two of them.
Remember texting isn't the end all of life and relationships. If she really matters to you as much as you say, than letting this go and not holding offense is the best way to keep the WHOLE friendship (you, your DH, her, her husband and all kiddos) alive and well!
Trust me, bitterness and offense only lead to pity parties that lose you friends and happiness I think we've all been there! Love goes a long way in this life!
Ya, is she okay if you guys hang out with the kids there to chaperone or does she think you guys would put the kids up to filming your wild orgies or something?
But she did say that it was 7 texts in about a month and that they were mostly related to setting up playdates for the kids or the four of them getting together for a double date. It's not like she's hanging out with the guy just her and him.
My husband's best friend and I txt each other regularly and we've even had a few very long phone conversations, just shooting the breeze, but would I for a second be interested in hooking up with him or would my husband worry about it? Nope. If my husband tried to force me to not interact with guys I'd be virtually friendless. I grew up with all brothers, no sisters. I'm not a girly girl at all. And my husband grew up with all sisters, no brothers, so he's the same as me, he's just got a lot of girl friends. None of whom I worry that he's gonna get it on with because if he was gonna do it he would have done it long before I came along. I'm just glad that husband knows he's supposed to be my best friend, not my keeper. I'm sorry, but if you don't think highly enough of someone to believe that you can trust them unconditioanlly, then you shouldn't have married them.
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
My dh used to make jokes about a hot friend. She did absolutely nothing, she was just hot, and it made me really uncomfortable when he did this. The solution for that situation was NOT to involve her, but to have an honest talk with DH about how I really was bothered - he had no idea and thought i knew that he thought I was way hotter, etc., and the problem went away. Just an example of a situation where one person was uncomfortable, jealous, even though the hot friend had done nothing wrong.
It's totally clear why you would be hurt, but also totally easy for me to imagine a situation in which, through no fault of your own, your friend (the wife) could be very hurt by your texts, etc. Did she know all along that you texted each other often, or did she just find out - same goes for hanging out together without her? If there are already trust issues or a history of cheating under the surface, it takes NOTHING - even just a "oh, we bumped into each other in starbucks" - to set that off, and finding out that there have been interactions, however innocent, that she wasn't privy to, could certainly put her in a tailspin.
It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean you did anything inappropriate, just that you have to imagine, as others have said, that there is stuff going on behind the scenes that you aren't aware of. Heck, maybe he's been moaning your name in his sleep. I echo the earlier suggestion to sit your friend down and tell her you never meant to do anything to hurt your relationship and her trust, and how can you all fix it now? This isn't about boundaries and no girl-boy communication rules, it's about individual people and what they are or are not comfortable with.
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
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I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
I'm going to have to agree with your friend. I actually don't think its that appropriate for you to be texting back and forth with the husband when you are just as close with the wife (save the occasional necessary text). Being married is not like dating or friendship, the rules change. Plus the fact that there have been previous trust issues doesn't help matters any. I wouldn't be too offended. Cheating is much easier than people think. It can creep in and you never truly know people's intentions. I think you should respect your friend on this one. She is protecting her marriage.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this has put a damper on your friendship. However, I do understand why the wife would be bothered by it. I'm not saying it was wrong or anything but try not to take it personal and look at from her perspective. Obviously if she has trust issues with her husband she will be very insecure and knowing that her husband was talking to other women( even though its friendly) is probably what scares her. It's her husband she has the issue with, not you. And not saying that you are trying to steal her husband or anything like that but sometimes things happen when people start of as friends, so she is just trying to avoid that ever happening. Try not to feel so offended her issues aren't with you, and obviously she has a reason to trust you since you sent her the messages and her husband had deleted them as if something were to be hidden.
Would you want your husband acting like his conversations with other women were a secret? If he had done something like cheat in the past to you before?
She also has to trust you more since I'm sure she didn't mean for your friendship to change after that, and probably wouldn't have said anything if she thought you would be offended.
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
TEXT ME! We can have a lesbian affair.
Or we could hang out with men together at the pool.
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No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
TEXT ME! We can have a lesbian affair.
Or we could hang out with men together at the pool.
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
TEXT ME! We can have a lesbian affair.
Or we could hang out with men together at the pool.
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
I hate to break it to you, but that is how cheating starts. Your friend has every right to ask you to stop....you should not be doing that in the first place and you should have already set the boundaries in your relationship with her husband. It is very common for cheating to happened when you already have a connection and a strong friendship. In a situation like this, you may not have any intentions in the beginning the for either of you to have an affair. It just takes the right moment and and then it is too late, the damage is done. She is trying to actually protect her relationship with her husband and your friendship as well. If you are truely her friend and respect their relationship (your friend and her husbands relationship) and your friendship with both of them, you would graciously respect her wishes. I know for me, it would be a very hard thing to tell my good friend, knowing (like you) would not truly understand the situation. (because right now, I assuming, nothing has has happened between her husband and you which might be considered at least in your minds cheating) Right now you might just be a little ding in your relationship, but how would you feel if it went to far and ruin there marriage and your friendship. Would you be able to live with the consequences to both (yours and her husbands) actions if you continue this behavior knowing that she tried to stop it?
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
TEXT ME! We can have a lesbian affair.
Or we could hang out with men together at the pool.
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
I am in the "Leave the hubby alone" boat. I think I understand where this woman is coming from as I have had several texting/e-mail/webcam issues with my husband. That said I have huge trust issues with him in regards to texting his "girlfriends". I don't think you should take this personally, and if you are this upset about not texting HIM then maybe there is something more going on subconsciously. If you care about your friendship with her then respect her wishes and leave him alone. This is between them, it's not about you per-se. It's that simple.
I could not believe my eyes when I read your message. The EXACT same thing happened to me (and, as a side note, this "friend" and her husband moved to MD last year...maybe it's the same girl - haha). This girl was one of my best friends but we were friends as a couple and I worked with her husband a lot on church things (he was an associate pastor). They also had some trust issues before they got married and she totaly can't deal. She didn't understand why I would want to be friends with a guy if I wasn't trying to hook up with him. This was obviously very insulting to me, as well as my husband. I think your friend handled the situation horribly. If they indeed have an issue that she is uncomfortable with, then she should take it up with her husband. There was no need to involve you whatsoever. It's her problem, nothing you did. Some women are just super jealous and have husbands they can't trust. It's ridiculous that they go around hunting for other women to blame their relationship issues on. If she felt uncomfortable with the texting situation she should have asked him to stop, not you. Obviously if he stopped texting you back you would eventually stop and it would have been clear that she didn't blame any of their issues on you. My theory on this is that some girls can be friends with other guys without having feelings for them, and some can't. Those who always develop feelings for their guy friends just assue that this happens to all women and project their feelings on others. It's dumb because some of us just have good relationships with both sexes. I have to say though, in my situation, we tried to work things out four or five times and it just kept getting worse and eventaully blew up into this HUGE fight where I could no longer stand to be in a room with either one of them. I would cut your losses now and stop hanging out with them. It's not worth making yourself unhappy. You'll find someone else who can be a true friend that can actually trust you.
out of respect for your friend, you should do what she has asked. you have no way of knowing what kind of "trust issues" there are in her marriage, nor is it any of your business. does your partner know that you're texting your friend's husband? how does he feel about that?
out of respect for your friend, you should do what she has asked. you have no way of knowing what kind of "trust issues" there are in her marriage, nor is it any of your business. does your partner know that you're texting your friend's husband? how does he feel about that?
do you read other posts before responding? Wait, never mind - are you sure you can read at all?
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i don't think that you're WRONG for having hurt feelings... or for texting a husband of your friend.
the issue here is WHY are you texting him and not her? is he a stay-at-home? in most cases, i think it's inappropriate for opposite-sex relationships if you're both married. you should be getting what you need from your husband, and he should be getting the reverse from his wife. it's so easy to sit and say "oh. nothing's gonna happen between us." i don't think you should put yourself (or him) in that position. even if it's nothing physical, he might still go to you, his friend, for emotional-whatever. that's still cheating. if you ask me, it's even worse.
if there are issues in their marriage, that is for them to work out--without any of your hurt feelings. you said that there ARE some trust issues from their past, but a lot of times, there isn't... still is inappropriate. if you are her friend, you'll just let it be. something they need to work out.
I was going to post but then read Danebird's post and realized that was exactly what I was going to say. I believe that things always start out with good intentions, but ANYONE can be prone to cheating, the closer of relationships they develop with the opposite sex. A relationship in which a male and female get emotionally close, which tends to happen accidentally, gradually, and through increased contact, does not very often stay purely platonic in nature, at least not in both parties' minds. If people think that their friendship, or marriage, is immune to cheating, then they have either been fooled so far, or lucky so far. My "best friend" cheated on her husband with our other best friend's husband. She is a serial cheater and has done this more than once, but it has always started out as a "friendship." So - my trust in her, and in all women, is greatest when she keeps knows her boundaries with my husband. And, by the way, my husband wholeheartedly agrees with me on this point - that married men and women do not need to buddy up with other members of the opposite sex. I extremely rarely text another guy (only when necessary) and he does me the same courtesy. Because he does not "bond" with other women, he does not develop feelings for them. It starts innocently but does not lead to good things. Your husband or wife should be your best friend, and people should know their boundaries.
I think that's such a bummer that she is having trust issues with her DH. My girlfriends are also close friends with my hubby and they text and it doesn't bother me one bit. Also, one of our couple friends, her DH is like the poppa bear of the group, and he texts all of us girls all the time. I get a text from him at least once a day. We're all friends. That's what friends do. If you don't trust someone, that's a whole different issue that needs to be addressed separately. Our texting is not sexual in any way, its just silly comments or musings. I'd have it no other way. If I couldn't trust my DH with my girlfriends or if he couldn't trust me with his guy friends, then what good is our relationship?
Hey it is no big deal.. if you are a friend to both tex both not just one. Why do you tex him and not her anyways?? You know that they are married why cause friction between them. The man is taken and like she the plans should be made together. leave it at that. She sounds like a person who wants her say in what her plans are. ease up and shrug it off. She sounds as if she is going through a trust issue him. Something must of set her off. let it chill before things get messy where it can't be fixed.
Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today
I totally agree with you. I was in a very similar boat, except I was the one who asked my friend to watch how she acts towards my hubbie. It took me so long to build up the courage to even discuss it because I knew it was a subject that could totally be taken the wrong way... and of course, it was.
She was my best friend first, and then became close to my husband. It wasn't a trust issue for me because I knew both rationally & in my heart that nothing would ever actually happen between the two of them. The issue I couldn't get over was how her "extra attention" to him made me feel. I'll admit, it was jealousy - she was supposed to be my close friend and every time she tried to make plans with just him, even jokingly, I felt very left out. This was also some time after she told me that when we first got married, she felt like he was taking me away from her... so instead of trying to strenghten our friendship, she tried to grow theirs and ended up alienating me in the process.
So, Steph, I know your feelings were hurt and it's a shame that you got intangled in this mess. It sounds like, in your situation, your friend has trust issues with her man. I would say, respect her request and give them some space. They sound like they have some stuff to work out between the two of them. In my situation, I requested that in making plans, everyone involved should get cc'd, whether email or text - that way, no one feels left out. My friend kept contacting my husband directly trying to make vacation plans for the four of us (including her hubbie). From a practical perspective, that also seemed inefficient b/c they would make suggestions, then my husband would ask me my opinion then go back to her... and it's like, why not just include me or ask me directly since we were friends in the first place. Now, from her perspective, that might have seemed harmless... just like you sending a joke directly to your friend's husband, no big deal, right? Well, try putting yourself in her position... think of the questions that could go through her head... like, what are your motives and why am I not included in your joke? When she doesn't have any clear answers to those types of questions, that's when one question is going to lead to another and her feelings are going to get hurt or she's going to get jealous or angry...
So, I hope I didn't go into my past issues too much and tied it in with your current situation. I think if the text messages stop, or if she's included, then don't fret too much about the elephant in the room... there won't be one to worry about - she'll get over it and won't have any more issues with you.
I totally agree. I have seen many relationships go down the drain because of the just friends thing- including mine. I talk to DH's friends when they come over to the house and cut up with 'em, but he's involved and vice versa, but I would never call or text any of his friends and he would do the same. It was never talked about between the two of us we're both just like that.
My ex-husband and I were friends with another couple and I worked with the girl. Her and my ex were always texting, IMing and talking to each other all the time and me not wanting to be the jelouse, possesive type allowed it and when my ex and I were arguing he went straight to her to complain about me and she would complain about her husband to him. One night they met up to bash their spouses and had a few drinks and that was it- my marriage was over!
I'm re-married to a wonderful man who I trust and I know he doesn't text or call my friends out of respect for me as I do for him.
Clearly you've never been stabbed in the back by someone you THINK is your close friend. You just wait... someone will let you down and then you'll be the idiot for being so trusting in people.
Some one once told me that there's a dynamic between married people that i would not understand, until i got married. So true. Something happened, maybe not on your end, since you seem shocked at her response. But sometimes men do stuff that implies other things. Something obviously was said, gestured, implied from your friends H, that your friend caught on and had to run with. Even more so, because there were trust issues. I think that because she was honest and clear about her concerns and needs and communicating that to you, i give her an A+. The execution how ever falls short of this.
someone might ask why you did not text her. but that would still leave your question unanswered... weird as it may sound... taking it to basics... would I be okay with my husband texting one of my friends? Yes, i would. If i suspected something was off/abnormal/weird/fishy NO. I would do the same. Like i said something happened which created this chaotic dominoe effect. It'll be uncomfortable from here on out... different... If you care about her, your friendship, as i think you do, reach out to her and be as honest as she has been. Good Luck. Make things work...
Their marriage is doomed. I mean, he's not really being faithful if she's not giving him the opportunity to be otherwise. It's like if your kid gets straight A's cause you do all their work for them, it doesn't mean they could succeed at Harvard on their own. A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. In regards to your friendship with her, I personally wouldn't be able to hang out with her and especially both of them anymore and not feel extremely weird. Just to make a point, you should have your husband start texting her the same type of stuff you'd text to her husband.
I wouldn't text another woman's husband even if we do get along as friends. I would have my husband call and text him if need be. I would call and text with the wife. That's just me, it's a respect thing. The more time you spend with someone the more important they become. This is just me.
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If your marriage can be ruined because your spouse is incapable of being friends with a member of the opposite sex without doing them, then your marriage is a crock in the first place.
This is CRAZY and they need to work on their trust issues BIG TIME. I text my friend's S/O when needed or even just to say a quick word and they do the same. Why does communication have to be filtered through her??? She says that you guys are friends and now she pulls this, I would be hurt to. She's basically saying that not only does she not trust her husband but she also doesn't trust you.... NOT a friend.
I guess she doesn't want you guys hanging out with the kids without her either...
Good advice. NEVER trust anyone ,just in case. Awesome. This is so stupid anyways. If a guy is going to cheat he's going to cheat regardless of whether or not he's texting one of my friends or not.
I'm sorry to say it...but from what I know, most women would not feel comfortable if their girlfriends were texting their husbands on a regular basis. Whether or not its just friends...it's not a healthy boundary. Now if you had been really good friends with him for years...before he got married...the occasional text to check in or arrange meetings would be fine.
Of course you are not the only party involved. He shouldn't be contacting her friends casually either. My husband has never done that, just as i don't start texting his guy friends. That doesn't mean you can't have a good time, and good conversations when you meet for parties or dinners.
For good or bad, healthy boundaries are a must for a good marriage. Being trustworthy...means acting trustworthy and being completely transparent.
If you want a good relationship and avoid drama with other women.....despite purely good intentions......it's best not to get too cozy with their husbands.
Cherish your good guy friends, and girlfriends...and remember..your own husband should be your best friend ;-)
Winery and Eclaires you're killing me! I'm having trouble not laughing at work as I read your posts! I would love to be your friends!
All I know is that if my DH didn't talk or text women he wouldn't have any friends. If I didn't talk or text men I wouldn't my social network would be seriously diminished. We are both the type of people that have mainly friends of the opposite sex. And it's okay. I trust him. Period. He's a grown up and so am I.
We all agree that your friend has issues. My feelings are hurt for you. I agree with the previous posters. I'd back away from the whole situation and let them work it out. Sometimes all people need is a little space. As long as the situation is about them, you'll probably get her back as a very good friend after a while. As long as you want her back that is.
BFP #1 9-22-10 Missed M/c 10-18-10 D&E 10-28-10
BFP #2 5-9-11 EDD 1-12-12 Audrey Rachel born 1-12-12
BFP #3 9-21-13 EDD 5-30-14
I think you should just forget about this one--and I wouldn't take it personally. Take her at her word and believe that she and her hubby have some real trust issues. There may be -and I suspect there is- a lot more to the story than what she explanined to you. The important thing is that you respect her as a fellow wife, woman, and mother. Unless I missed it, it also did sound like she came at you in an attacking kind of way. Rather is sounded very honest and sincere. I also wouldn't let it make you question your other friendships. It was just clearly over the bounds in THIS relationship.
I guess I'll add my two cents too
Honestly I would encourage you that if BOTH of their friendship is important to you, stay as objective AND supportive as possible. Every marriage has more to work out than meets the eye. Don't take her distrust of HIM personally, instead love and support BOTH of them. You don't know the extent of what they are working through. Love and Support, first of all by doing what she asks, and secondly by not making a big deal out of it. Separate yourself from their marriage, that's between the two of them.
Remember texting isn't the end all of life and relationships. If she really matters to you as much as you say, than letting this go and not holding offense is the best way to keep the WHOLE friendship (you, your DH, her, her husband and all kiddos) alive and well!
Trust me, bitterness and offense only lead to pity parties that lose you friends and happiness
I think we've all been there! Love goes a long way in this life!
But she did say that it was 7 texts in about a month and that they were mostly related to setting up playdates for the kids or the four of them getting together for a double date. It's not like she's hanging out with the guy just her and him.
My husband's best friend and I txt each other regularly and we've even had a few very long phone conversations, just shooting the breeze, but would I for a second be interested in hooking up with him or would my husband worry about it? Nope. If my husband tried to force me to not interact with guys I'd be virtually friendless. I grew up with all brothers, no sisters. I'm not a girly girl at all. And my husband grew up with all sisters, no brothers, so he's the same as me, he's just got a lot of girl friends. None of whom I worry that he's gonna get it on with because if he was gonna do it he would have done it long before I came along. I'm just glad that husband knows he's supposed to be my best friend, not my keeper. I'm sorry, but if you don't think highly enough of someone to believe that you can trust them unconditioanlly, then you shouldn't have married them.
Amen!
BFP #1 9-22-10 Missed M/c 10-18-10 D&E 10-28-10
BFP #2 5-9-11 EDD 1-12-12 Audrey Rachel born 1-12-12
BFP #3 9-21-13 EDD 5-30-14
My dh used to make jokes about a hot friend. She did absolutely nothing, she was just hot, and it made me really uncomfortable when he did this. The solution for that situation was NOT to involve her, but to have an honest talk with DH about how I really was bothered - he had no idea and thought i knew that he thought I was way hotter, etc., and the problem went away. Just an example of a situation where one person was uncomfortable, jealous, even though the hot friend had done nothing wrong.
It's totally clear why you would be hurt, but also totally easy for me to imagine a situation in which, through no fault of your own, your friend (the wife) could be very hurt by your texts, etc. Did she know all along that you texted each other often, or did she just find out - same goes for hanging out together without her? If there are already trust issues or a history of cheating under the surface, it takes NOTHING - even just a "oh, we bumped into each other in starbucks" - to set that off, and finding out that there have been interactions, however innocent, that she wasn't privy to, could certainly put her in a tailspin.
It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean you did anything inappropriate, just that you have to imagine, as others have said, that there is stuff going on behind the scenes that you aren't aware of. Heck, maybe he's been moaning your name in his sleep. I echo the earlier suggestion to sit your friend down and tell her you never meant to do anything to hurt your relationship and her trust, and how can you all fix it now? This isn't about boundaries and no girl-boy communication rules, it's about individual people and what they are or are not comfortable with.
THIS IS AWESOME {the bolded}
So, question, in the right moment, do your legs just fall apart and the guy's penis finds a home there? Or is it more in the right moment, at the public pool, with your kids right there, you fall on each other and start making out?
For the 100000th time, it is clear there is a problem in this other marriage and the wife can be bothered by the texts - that is her right and she can deal with her marriage however she sees fit. HOWEVER, this does not mean that men and women who are married can never ever be friends or text, or FB, or hang out without being on the road to cheating. That idea is utterly ridiculous.
I think I love you and I want to be your friend. And thats only ok because we're both girls.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this has put a damper on your friendship. However, I do understand why the wife would be bothered by it. I'm not saying it was wrong or anything but try not to take it personal and look at from her perspective. Obviously if she has trust issues with her husband she will be very insecure and knowing that her husband was talking to other women( even though its friendly) is probably what scares her. It's her husband she has the issue with, not you. And not saying that you are trying to steal her husband or anything like that but sometimes things happen when people start of as friends, so she is just trying to avoid that ever happening. Try not to feel so offended her issues aren't with you, and obviously she has a reason to trust you since you sent her the messages and her husband had deleted them as if something were to be hidden.
Would you want your husband acting like his conversations with other women were a secret? If he had done something like cheat in the past to you before?
She also has to trust you more since I'm sure she didn't mean for your friendship to change after that, and probably wouldn't have said anything if she thought you would be offended.
Maybe you should talk about it with her.
TEXT ME! We can have a lesbian affair.
Or we could hang out with men together at the pool.
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
Ha! Wonder if these crazy biatches hang out with lesbians...Cause you know, "it just takes a minute for the damage to be done".
I could not believe my eyes when I read your message. The EXACT same thing happened to me (and, as a side note, this "friend" and her husband moved to MD last year...maybe it's the same girl - haha). This girl was one of my best friends but we were friends as a couple and I worked with her husband a lot on church things (he was an associate pastor). They also had some trust issues before they got married and she totaly can't deal. She didn't understand why I would want to be friends with a guy if I wasn't trying to hook up with him. This was obviously very insulting to me, as well as my husband. I think your friend handled the situation horribly. If they indeed have an issue that she is uncomfortable with, then she should take it up with her husband. There was no need to involve you whatsoever. It's her problem, nothing you did. Some women are just super jealous and have husbands they can't trust. It's ridiculous that they go around hunting for other women to blame their relationship issues on. If she felt uncomfortable with the texting situation she should have asked him to stop, not you. Obviously if he stopped texting you back you would eventually stop and it would have been clear that she didn't blame any of their issues on you. My theory on this is that some girls can be friends with other guys without having feelings for them, and some can't. Those who always develop feelings for their guy friends just assue that this happens to all women and project their feelings on others. It's dumb because some of us just have good relationships with both sexes. I have to say though, in my situation, we tried to work things out four or five times and it just kept getting worse and eventaully blew up into this HUGE fight where I could no longer stand to be in a room with either one of them. I would cut your losses now and stop hanging out with them. It's not worth making yourself unhappy. You'll find someone else who can be a true friend that can actually trust you.
out of respect for your friend, you should do what she has asked. you have no way of knowing what kind of "trust issues" there are in her marriage, nor is it any of your business. does your partner know that you're texting your friend's husband? how does he feel about that?
do you read other posts before responding? Wait, never mind - are you sure you can read at all?
i don't think that you're WRONG for having hurt feelings... or for texting a husband of your friend.
the issue here is WHY are you texting him and not her? is he a stay-at-home? in most cases, i think it's inappropriate for opposite-sex relationships if you're both married. you should be getting what you need from your husband, and he should be getting the reverse from his wife. it's so easy to sit and say "oh. nothing's gonna happen between us." i don't think you should put yourself (or him) in that position. even if it's nothing physical, he might still go to you, his friend, for emotional-whatever. that's still cheating. if you ask me, it's even worse.
if there are issues in their marriage, that is for them to work out--without any of your hurt feelings. you said that there ARE some trust issues from their past, but a lot of times, there isn't... still is inappropriate. if you are her friend, you'll just let it be. something they need to work out.
Hi. New here...
I think that's such a bummer that she is having trust issues with her DH. My girlfriends are also close friends with my hubby and they text and it doesn't bother me one bit. Also, one of our couple friends, her DH is like the poppa bear of the group, and he texts all of us girls all the time. I get a text from him at least once a day. We're all friends. That's what friends do. If you don't trust someone, that's a whole different issue that needs to be addressed separately. Our texting is not sexual in any way, its just silly comments or musings. I'd have it no other way. If I couldn't trust my DH with my girlfriends or if he couldn't trust me with his guy friends, then what good is our relationship?
Hey it is no big deal.. if you are a friend to both tex both not just one. Why do you tex him and not her anyways?? You know that they are married why cause friction between them. The man is taken and like she the plans should be made together. leave it at that. She sounds like a person who wants her say in what her plans are. ease up and shrug it off. She sounds as if she is going through a trust issue him. Something must of set her off. let it chill before things get messy where it can't be fixed.