Parenting

So one of my very very good friends called me today

And asked that her husband and I no longer text each other.

I am shocked and hurt and sad and a little angry all at the same time.

We all met as families and have known each other for quite some time.  I *thought* that our families were friends but she said that she and I are friends and any plans that need to be made should go through the two of us.

That's how "it's done".

I'm upset because there's a ding in our friendship now.  I'm upset because she had to ask her husband to stop texting me and me to stop texting him.  What did we text about?  "Sup. You and kiddo going to the pool today?"  "No, too effing hot.  Maybe this weekend?".

Or maybe a joke.  Whatever.

I was also asked to send the 8 texts I had on my phone to her.

Because, and this is important, they apparently had some trust issue early on in their marriage and he and I texting makes her question him.  That sounds like she thinks highly of me too, no?

The texts on his phone were deleted, which is why she asked for mine.

I'm seriously appalled.  I text guys all the time.  MH's friends, my friends, or at least I thought this guy was a friend but apparently he's just the husband of my friend, who I'm not allowed to text or, I'm assuming, hang out with at the pool. 

I told her I texted another friend's H about various stuff and she said "Does she know about that?"  Like it's a secret.  Or wrong.

Is there some suburban rule that married women can't be friends with married men? 

My feelings are so stinking hurt. 

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Me with my littlest.
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Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today

  • And isn't my siggy funny?  I love boys!
    image

    Me with my littlest.
  • Wow. ---that is all I have for you.

     

    I am sorry :-(

  • ppantsppants
    Ancient Membership 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    I'm sorry to hear that your very dear friend doesn't trust you or her DH.  I don't text any of my friends' DHs, but it all seems pretty innocent and nothing for her to fret over.  Sorry.  :(
    Wendy Twins 1/27/06. DS and DD
  • Mel, you would tell me.  Am I wrong?  I've been wrong lots and will be tons more, but I'm just knocked over by this.
    image

    Me with my littlest.
  • Wow.  Again, if I met them as a family and hung out with both regularly, I would text both and would be upset if she asked me not to.  My guy friend is like my brother, and if his wife were to ask me to not text him anymore, I'd be very upset. 

     

    Big Brother Logan Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Baby Miles Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Bryan Smith - Freelance Photography Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • If that's the rule than I'm totally screwed.  My top 3 most texted people are guy friends.  One of them hasn't even been a friend that long and I'm much closer to him than I am to his wife.  We take our kids out together alone all the time. 
    This has nothing to do with your personality but everything to do with hers.  I'd get as far away from her as possible.  She's not going to make things easy. 
    My feelings would be totally hurt too. 

    Oh and your siggy is totally cute.  I love goofy pictures like that. 

  • Steph,

    I dont think you were wrong, per say, but I can sort of see where the wife is coming from. 

    I am sad that there is a ding in your friendship, because there will always be an elephant in the room now. And, I am sure it was just as hard for her to ask you as it was for you to hear.

    I dont think anyone was wrong, so dont beat yourself up. It is an unfortunate situation. 

  • I think that if you are friends with her and just friends with him because of her that you really should be texting her and not him. If you were friends with him 1st then I don't see it as a problem. She may feel that you are ignoring her and texting him and not her when you were friends with her before you met him. KWIM? I also don't get all the texting people do. Such as why bother texting jokes to other people? I find it soo annoying when people text others and as you are sitting around everyone is checking their phone because of texts that really are not important (but this is another topic).
  • Oh Steph that sucks.  It is an issue between them and I would definitely be hurt/disappointed by my friend.  We have one couple we are friends with where the husband and I email, and I occasionally email with the wife, and we hang out as families, and it is nothing. I would be totally hurt if the wife or J had an issue with it.
  • It makes her feel uncomfortable.  If it's nothing (as in, "Yo, what's up") then you can live w/out the texts for the sake of the comfort of your friend.

    Not that I'm saying you shouldn't be hurt....because I think I would be.  And I would also question her trust in ME....but in the end, when you don't trust your husband, you don't trust ANYONE with your husband.  The issue is within their marriage and I think (if you wish to maintain the friendship) it's in your best interest to not read in to this anything more than what it is....a wife who doesn't trust her husband, has insecurities and doesn't want him texting another woman.  She is probably one of those women that gets jealous about everything...and this is just one more of those things.

  • I love how all of you aren't afraid to tell me I'm wrong.  Or right.  Or whatever.

    I need to bounce this off of people who'll give it to me straight because I'm a mess right now.

    Not because I can't text 7 times a month with the guy, but because of the elephant factor and that it's changed the relationship, family to family.

     

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    Me with my littlest.
  • I watched 2 marriages go down the tube because of being "friends" with the opposite sex turned into more.  Was something missing from their relationships?  Probably, but the texting/talking didn't help.  I can see where she  is coming from.   
    Cheryl, Evan 4.25.05, Paige 7.2.07
  • I think the healthiest thing to do is for you to assume that it's THEIR issue and not yours and either stop texting him, or cc both of them on texts.  I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, again--there's probably more to the story on their end.  (besides, you're so freakin HOT!  She likely has confidence issues!)
  • I think they have some serious issues with the marriage.  If she's asking for texts that you made to him that he deleted, she does not trust him.  Maybe she has grounds for that - outside of the innocent texting w/you- or maybe not.  I can see why you'd feel like you were being branded w/the scarlet letter just because you were *gasp* texting about the park!!  That would suck & I'm sorry because you know it was all innocent.  But I think they have a lot bigger issues going on from her reaction to it. 
  • Honestly, I see nothing wrong with it, but I have a lot of male friends that I wouldn't hesitate to text, including friends that were MH's friends first.  They're still friends of mine...

    I agree w/ dnagal that there is likely something going on in their marriage or it's their issue - so try not to feel badly!

    Jackson Henry [10*1*06] & Scarlett Maeve [9*16*10]

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  • Wow. She's got some serious trust issues. I don't see any harm in those messages but I don't know him. I'd be hurt too.
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  • She doesn't trust him.  It isn't about you other than she is threatened because you two are friendly. I don't think it is wrong if she is okay with it. Clearly she's not and now you know.

    Also, I'm sure the fact that he deleted the messages made her more suspect.

    I can see why you are bummed but I don't blame her if her DH is not trustworthy.

  • What does your husband think of the whole thing?
  • Eh, I guess I'm in the minority here, but if you are making plans or just having casual banter, than do it with the wife.  There is a couple we are freinds with, and while we all do things together, I don't communicate independently with him and she doesn't communicate with DH.  I just think it's a boundary thing.

     But, I also don't have single male friends that I hang out with without DH, and vice versa.

  • Bebe, what does MH think of me texting guys?  Nothing/doesn't care.

    He doesn't know this specific story because it happened today and he's still at work with a rollout.

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    Me with my littlest.
  • I just asked MH if he is bothered by me texting his BFF (he and his wife are our couple BFFs) and he said "no I'd actually encourage you to do it more often."  HA.  He thinks he'd get more time with his boyfriend if I texted this mutual friend more often.

    Also, I just thought of this - I am in a fantasy football league with all of MH's friends.  They are all married, but I'm the only wife who participates so I regularly email and message them on our yahoo sports board. 

    Jackson Henry [10*1*06] & Scarlett Maeve [9*16*10]

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  • I have had trust issues w/ my DH & I would be very upset if he texted any of my friends or really any other non-work related female.  Sorry, it's such a bummer I know--it sucks to have to worry about it as the wife too.
  • image winery:
    And isn't my siggy funny?  I love boys!

    I love the siggy.

    And this situation is interesting to say the least. Why isn't she addressing this with her DH?

  • Oh and somethings definitely up with their marriage. Similar thing happened in our "hood". Apparently at a party (that I wasn't at...damnit), wife has a little too much to drink and makes a comment about her DH and another neighbor's wife. Not sure exactly what was said but it was something to the affect of she thought her DH wanted to have an affair with neighbor's wife. As far as I can tell that wasn't true, but accuser wife and her DH are now divorced (other couple still happily married as far as I can tell). It seems to be her trust issues (justified or not) that did them in rather than him actually straying (i.e. he got sick of the accusations and constant b!tching).
  • image peekaboo716:

    image winery:
    And isn't my siggy funny?  I love boys!

    I love the siggy.

    And this situation is interesting to say the least. Why isn't she addressing this with her DH?

    Thank you!! 

    She did.  Had a talk with him about "no texting S".  He talks to his mom and her (from her mouth) and would love the added person, but it's not gonna be me.  Apparently.

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    Me with my littlest.
  • well, you said they had an issue early in their marriage.  did you know of this before today? that would explain it all. I'd send the texts, be a friend to her,  and leave him be except for when all together.  it obviously has nothing to do with you... if it did, she'd probably shut you out 100%.  had my husband given me a reason to question in the past, I'd probably have that picking in the back of my mind even if the texts were with a friend.  and as another said, you don't know what's going on on his part.  were there texts deleted to and from someone else?  could be something as silly as a fantasy about you and he was stupid enough to state it?  you just don't know.  

    if you were close to her, be a friend to her.  if not, then do what you want... but leave her hubby alone.   

  • A.) I love the sig pic! That is hilarious! 

    B.) this is clearly an issue b/t THEM and it's unfortunate that she brought you into the situation at all.  

    Regardless of whether people think it's "appropriate" to text friends' husbands or whatever, the fact that she asked to see the texts, as some sort of proof that what? You aren't having an affair? Or talking about her? would really alter the course of my friendship with her.  

    I'm so sorry, Steph; I don't generally text my friend's husbands (even those I consider to be my friends, too) just b/c I don't text people very often at all.  But I've definitely heard jokes or seen things that I've thought "Oh, ____ would totally laugh at that" and IF I was a big texter, I'm sure I'd have texted it.

    Does she not want you to be FB friends, either?  I"m FB friends with almost all of my friend's husbands and we interact in that medium quite often.  I'd be floored if a friend told me to stop communicating w/ her husband on FB. 

    ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) 

  • Halo, I did not know about the trust issue until today.

    And it's statements like "leave her hubby alone" that make me feel like people think it's wrong.  We are all friends, or that's what I thought anyway.

    Summer, I hid him on FB.  We did the FB thing too (as well as the wife and my other friends, I'm not playing favorites), but now I just feel totally awkward.

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    Me with my littlest.
  • First - love the siggy.

    Second - If I were in your shoes, I would feel hurt/weird. That being said I can she where she is coming from. If she has trust issues with him, chances are she is wary of any and all communication with women that she does not witness herself. And, the fact that he does not have the text messages is just adding to her suspicion. If I were in your shoes I would try and move above it. It will probably be a little weird for a bit, but hopefully you all can still stay great friends. Just remember it really has nothing to do with you - it's them.

    Sorry you sort of are caught up in their marriage stuff...that's a bummer.

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    The girl is 5 | The boy is 2

  • I guess I'm in the minority, but I don't really get why YOU are so shocked and hurt. I think it's clear that the problem is their marriage and trust issues, not you, so I'd just move on. It's not like not sending 7 texts a months is that big a deal to you, and it clearly is to her. So.....eh. I don't think that you did anything wrong, but then again I've never had trust issues with my husband so maybe I'd feel differently if I was in her shoes. Either way, I think the situation sucks way mire for her than it does for you, so I'd honor her request and just move past it.
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