It has been about 2 and a half weeks since Kendall passed away, and I am still trying to find meaning behind the loss. I still keep saying, "I was full term"...."I was full term"....I thought for sure since we had lost two other babies at 19 weeks, the problem was solved. With this pregnancy, I got the cerclage placed and the whole pregnancy was a breeze, but this time...my sweet baby was born, but she swallowed meconium and died 3 days later!!!!!! How cruel.
I have to sit in one room because I had to have an emergency c section and the wound was having problems healing, and my mother (who is a nurse) has to come and pack the wound everyday to get it to heal. I keep thinking "how much more can I take!!!". I have a wonderful husband who makes sure that I eat, take my meds, etc...but the only thing that he is having problems with is letting me grieve. He says that he hates to see me cry, so when he is around I try to be calm, but last night it was hard.
I told him I was sad and he stated that he cant cry anymore, he has to try to move on, he also said that he can function on a daily basis if he is sad all the time...he made a vow to himself NOT to cry anymore.....but its not that easy for me....I hate that he feels like when I cry he has to somehow "fix" it instead of just holding me or just being in silence with me....everything is sooooo hard...I miss Kendall sooooo much!!!