Baby Showers

Mom Cancelled Shower

Well, after only 1 month of my mother finding out I was pregnant she was already talking about my shower.  I thought it was sweet that she was so excited, but knowing my mom and how she tends to be a bit over the top, I wanted to let her know that I really wanted to have it at my house and not for it to be a surprise.  Anything else could be up to her.  I didn't want a lot of drama and just wanted to keep it low key.  I have let my mom pretty much have what she wanted, keeping my wishes to myself for years.  She even planned my wedding with my dad.  This time around I thought she would understand and respect my wishes.  Well, she didn't....and it became a huge crowd that received "save the date" emails from my mom at a fancy inn far from my home.  She ignored my wishes and even told me my friends were being selfish after I found that she chose a date to suit the place and not them.  Most of my friends could not make the date she chose.  I told her that my friends were most important to me.  Well, I finally confronted her and she became super dramatic and upset telling me she was giving me everything I wanted, when it was the opposite of anything I had asked.  The next day my Dad called me to tell me I got what I wanted and the shower was cancelled, clean slate.  She even was going to invite the guys, which would make it super huge and uncomfortable for me since I know many of them wouldn't want to be there.  My best friend is now hosting my shower and I am having it at my home.  I am hoping my parents will come around so that my mom can still be a part of it, but as of now, they told me I pretty much need to get over it.  I just wish they would understand where I was coming from, give me a bit of closure so I can move on.  All my life I have been there for my mom, and never asked for a thing.  It hurts me that this most important time in my life when I do ask for what I want she makes me feel selfish for doing so.  Thanks for listening.
«1

Re: Mom Cancelled Shower

  • I'm sorry your mom is being so ridiculous. The shower is about you and she should have done her best to keep you comfortable. I would just let it go and be happy your friend offered to host instead :) 
  • What did you expect?  You let your parents plan your own wedding so why wouldn't she want to take complete control over your shower and not consider what YOU want?  And when you finally stood up to them she has a hissy fit.  Surprise, surprise.  Lesson learned.  From now on stop letting mommy control everything.  And now's a good time to start doing that before she starts planning your LO's birthday parties, where he/she will go to school, what he/she will wear.....get my drift?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • thanks ladies...you are so right. I look at this as the first step in confronting her and I'm glad I did it.  But now, both my mom & dad will not talk to me until "I get over it".  I just want them to understand where I was coming from, but instead they are acting like they did nothing wrong.  It's such a shame because this is about the LO and for them to shut me out because they didn't get their way at this point is shallow.  They have shut out a lot of their friends in the past because they seem to think everyone should be like them.  Never did I think they would do it to me...and while I am pregnant.
  • This is a good wakeup call for you.  Your parents will most likely NEVER change.  They are at a point in their life where the way they think and feel is pretty set.  It'll take a natural disaster for them to change how they've been for all these years.  You trying to prove your point isn't going to do any good and will just add more stress on you.  Let it go and move on.  The next time they try to control something of yours put your foot down.  Keep doing that until they "get it."  My mom can be very controlling and thinks she knows best (even though it's been 30+ years since she's dealt with a baby and times have changed!)  In the beginning she tried to tell me what to do with everything baby-related.  I tried to be patient with her and just smiled and nodded.  I also made sure to keep my foot down on anything I absolutely refuse to do her way with.  The first day her and my dad watched DD when I went back to work was the day she started to keep her mouth shut!  So reality hit them and the fact that I've kept my ground on many things caused her to change just a little bit.  Now she actually listens to a lot of things I say.  GL.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I can see why your mom is upset...a shower is a gift. A gracious recipient would have been appreciative of anything that was given to her. You chose to not appreciate that. She said fine, don't accept my gift. It is what it is.

    It would have been nice of your mom to respect your wishes and give you the party you wanted, but it was not her obligation. Are you going to be mad when your shower guests choose to not buy gifts from your registry because it was what you wanted and it is all about what you want?

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Food Allergies to Eggs, Milk, Peanuts, Tree Nuts & Beef
    Challenged Soy and tolerated it.
  • image dsobz:
    thanks ladies...you are so right. I look at this as the first step in confronting her and I'm glad I did it.  But now, both my mom & dad will not talk to me until "I get over it".  I just want them to understand where I was coming from, but instead they are acting like they did nothing wrong.  It's such a shame because this is about the LO and for them to shut me out because they didn't get their way at this point is shallow.  They have shut out a lot of their friends in the past because they seem to think everyone should be like them.  Never did I think they would do it to me...and while I am pregnant.

     

    She cancelled the shower and your friend is throwing the shower you want, your should be "over it". You didn't want the shower your mom was throwing and now she's not throwing it, unless your parents are still mad the situation should be over. What do they consider "getting over it" ? 

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image dragon_chica:
    This is a good wakeup call for you.  Your parents will most likely NEVER change.  They are at a point in their life where the way they think and feel is pretty set.  It'll take a natural disaster for them to change how they've been for all these years.  You trying to prove your point isn't going to do any good and will just add more stress on you.  Let it go and move on.  The next time they try to control something of yours put your foot down.  Keep doing that until they "get it."  My mom can be very controlling and thinks she knows best (even though it's been 30+ years since she's dealt with a baby and times have changed!)  In the beginning she tried to tell me what to do with everything baby-related.  I tried to be patient with her and just smiled and nodded.  I also made sure to keep my foot down on anything I absolutely refuse to do her way with.  The first day her and my dad watched DD when I went back to work was the day she started to keep her mouth shut!  So reality hit them and the fact that I've kept my ground on many things caused her to change just a little bit.  Now she actually listens to a lot of things I say.  GL.

     Your story hits home.  Thank you for sharing.  The thing that I didn't get into, is the relationship with my parents has turned around 10 years ago after they did face a trauma in a car accident where I almost lost my mom.  Over the years I slowly lost my parents to their fears.  Instead of embracing life, they shut it out, including many relatives & friends.  I didn't want to be next, so that is why I have always given them what they wanted/needed.  They needed me, and I make sure I am there, putting my wants aside.  I became the parent to my mom in a way.  That is why this time it was so important to me to ask for what I wanted, because she has been taking me for granted for so long. 

    BUT, I have some great news!  I took the time to really tell her how I felt today and she did understand.  She, for the first time, apologized, as did I.  It was the best feeling ever and I am so glad I took the hard way to strengthen our relationship instead of bottling it up as I usually do.  A huge weight has been lifted!  As this is really a lesson that didn't have anything to do with a shower, but respect and understanding from my mom.

  • So happy to hear things worked out between you and your mother! I'm glad she listened to you :)
  • OMG! this same thing happened to me! Glad to see I'm not the only one. Fortunately, we worked it out before the shower and compromised. But only after alot of tears and arguing. Hope it works out for you as well. :)
  • I know it may be too late now, but nothing is wrong with having more than one shower.  My mother-in-law threw me one - as they live 4 hours away, it was only that side of the family, my own mother threw me one, and my church/friends threw me one.  One baby, three showers.  It worked out well so that everyone who wanted to throw one for me got to do so.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerBaby Birthday Ticker TickerBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It sounds like your parents are the ones who need to "get over it". Yes, a shower is a gift to you, but at the same time, people giving gifts should be considerate to the person they're giving it to.

     If you knew someone had a very small apartment and registered for a bassinet rather than a large crib that wouldn't fit, what would you buy them? Buying them a large crib would be a "nice" gesture, but it's not practical for them and puts them in an awkward situation of what to do with the crib. 

     A gift should be given with a happy heart, not with a lack of consideration for what the recipient openly said she wanted. 

     Good for you on confronting your parents. Hopefully they'll realize that they went too far and that you need to enjoy the big events in your life the way YOU want to enjoy them, not how THEY want to enjoy them. 

  • I can completely relate. I wanted a very casual baby shower because I have a large family and my husband has a lot of friends he literally grew up with. So I knew a fancy party wouldn't work. My mom freaked when she was how many people I wanted to invite. I have access to a free hall whenever I want through my uncle and I though we would just do it there and ask family to cook. She wanted a restaurant, a smaller party, and much fancier. We ended up fighting, she called me selfish for asking for anything my way since she was throwing the party. In the end we sort of compromised. I invited the most important friends and our families were there. It wasn't how I wanted it to go, but it was beautiful and did turn out nice. Regardless, I had an amazing time and so did everyone else. I guess my advice would be this - if someone wants to throw you a nice party, don't fight 'em. I was going to do a seperate shower for our friends so that I could have what I wanted also, we just never got around to it.

     

    BTW - She also had a lot of opinions on my wedding...that was a bigger challenge but we both won some fight in that one! =)

  • I have a similar situation:

    My Sister in Law has been planning my shower since I became pregnant. My DH and I are moving this weekend and I contacted my brother to see if he can help us move. I obviously cannot carry things like couches and huge televisions since I am 7 months pregnant. He blew up at me because he doesnt want to help me over 4th of July weekend, even though I told him I only need his help for an hour. He said a bunch of really hurtful things on the phone and I ended up hanging up on him. After I got off the phone and was sobbing from what he said ot me, I texted his wife and told her I don't want her to throw my shower and that the two of them should just forget I exist.

    Now I'm not having a shower and don't have anyone to help me move. Great.

    image
  • It might help you to remember that a shower is a gift to you.  Its not a right you have, and it is actually rude for you to be calling the shots.  This is probably not the instance that you should have asserted yourself.  You do not have to accept every offer someone makes to throw you a shower, but if you do accept, it is their's to plan. 

  • I'm sorry you are going through this. Your mom is the one that is being selfish and I think she's trying to live vicariously through you. I'm happy to read that you are getting what YOU want and that you have a friend that is hosting your shower for you. Leave the door open for your mom to come, but don't force the issue. She needs to grow up.
  • This reply is for TulipsAnd... 

    Ouch! Your comments show you wouldn't have someone elses best interest at heart either! Yes its a gift, but when its from your own Mom- She should have considered her daughters request and not be surprised and try to turn on her daughter at such an important time in her life.

  • A shower may be a gift but that does not give someone the right to turn it into and unenjoyable burden. Maybe you are like her mother and that is why you obviously do not understand where she is coming from. 

     Allowing yourself to be pushed around by a parent is never an enjoyable activity and a baby shower is surely not the time to allow it. It is supposed to be you and the LO special day, not your mothers. She should have respected her wishes and requests. 

  • It seems that people feel entitled to call the shots at the baby showers people throw in their honor but it is a gift. I did not have a shower for my son even though people knew we could have used the help since my husband had cancer....it was not in the cards. You should feel honored you have people in your life that are willing to throw you a shower. I am now having my second child and I am staying out of the party planning, my sister in law is doing the shower and I appreciate it so much I am not going to judge her way of doing it.
  • I completey disagree with those saying you're rude to give your input on a shower. It's your shower, it's your day, it's your baby, it's your gifts... if someone doesn't want to listen to what you want for your shower, then they shouldn't throw it. I don't understand why someone would want to put you in a situation where you are uncomfortable, and then call it a party for YOU. In that case they should call it a party for them, or a "reliving what they missed with their babies' party. Don't feel guilty about wanting certain things a certain way, it IS your right. I hope everything turns out great!
  • Girl I feel your pain. Every event in my life has been about everyone trying to please my mother, who is mean, controlling, and always mad about something. From the start, she wanted a shower at her place (2 hrs from me) with a ton of people. I told her that's not what I want at all and she flipped out and told me to throw one for myself because she wont' do it if it's not her way. However, she didn't count on my sister and mother in law stepping up to throw one for me the way I'd like it to be done and wouldn't accept that she wasn't in charge. My dad was constantly trying to get me to give in to her. After her screaming at me about what a disappointment I am and making me cry, my aunt convinced me to let my mom throw one for just family. My mom was mad that my aunt had to talk me into it and decided she's helping at mine, even though I never asked for her help and don't really want it. My sister promised she'd keep my mom in check but if she gives us a hard time we're going to tell her not to come. Is it worth sacrificing your own happiness, especially for something that's supposed to be about you? I don't think so. Stand up for yourself. *Hugs*
  • I've had issues as well with my shower, only I live out of state, and it HAS to be on  the date we already booked...so I can't do what I'm about to say.  I did throw a fit about the location when she suggested a nasty restaurant that is truly disgusting (I get sick eating their food), but only because I didn't feel like being sick for a day or two after before driving 8 hours home.  Other than that, since it's a shower, the rest is up to her...it's not me planning it, because it's a shower.  (and this is hard for me as I like to be the one planning everything...call me OCD).  However for you, I would've gone along with it...then simply spoken to your friend who is throwing you the new shower, and just had a small friend shower for those who couldn't make it.  Low key, backyard bbq style or whatever you guys chose to do. 
  • Don't worry gal! You are not being selfish, your parents are. You can look at this as a wonderful learning experience. Now you've learned that this is not a good way to parent and your learning how to set boundaries both of which will be very important in raising a child, among many other things of course :)

    Don't fall into your parents trap of keeping you feeling that this is your problem. Just enjoy and invite them to join in the happiness that is YOUR pregnancy and how you want it to be. If they choose not too - they are the ones missing out. I know easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself, your baby and your own family right now. Good luck, enjoy your shower, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

  • You act as if a shower is a given right for every pregnant woman, an no matter what someone should be obliged to throw her one.  This is not the case ladies.  A shower is not a right, it is a very generous gesture by the person hosting it.  It takes time, preparation and money to host a shower.. big or small, modest or elaborate.  Unless the host/hostess specifically asks for your input, you should graciously accept, put on a happy face and show up on time.  Otherwise, its not your call.

    Same goes for a registry.  Its a "wish list" not a demand list.  If someone would like to purchase something for you that is not on your registry, its their time, money and thoughtfulness and they can give it how they please. 

    If you'd like to have a party "your way"... host a sip n see after the baby is born.

  • OUCH!  Sorry to hear that this happened to you especially when it's an important issue!  She does need to respect your wishes and not just barge ahead with what she wants to do thinking that it's what you want.

    In the meantime, good that your best friend stepped in and I do hope that you will get the shower that YOU want.

    Hang in there and big hugs!

    Sarah

  • my aunt did this exact same thing with my bridal shower! my mom and i were already starting to plan it ourselves and then my aunt butt in with her 'gift of help' wanting to throw it for me and pay for it herself, and insisted on it being at a place well over an hour away from myself AND all my guests, on a date that was inconvenient for EVERYONE. before she got particular about details it was just a matter of "can i help?" and i told her it would be greatly appreciated and many thanks. but her 'help' really turned into a big hissy fit when i tried to explain that my mom and i wanted it at the country club that was within 30 min drive from everyone and it was a very nice place...we even told her she didn't have to pay but just come help us set it up and she got really pissed. she picked fights with me about it until that very day, and even though at that point i didn't even want to invite her i did anyway out of courtesy and 'gratitude' for her 'efforts'. she showed up towards the end of the party wearing a monster of an attitude that nearly crashed my whole party and the only reason she showed up was to see her new baby grandson, not even for me. even my cousins, her children, refuse to talk to her now because she's gotten so rotten. she picked a fight with me about my photographer and insulted my husband at a mother's day dinner, and when i invited her to the wedding she declined because she had a 'craft show' which i heard later was actually the week after. she's lost most of her friends and family connections, and even her husband hates her now because she has MS and the meds they have her on make her totally crazy. even after my whole family stood up for me, there was no changing her mind. we haven't spoken since. i'm glad that at least your situation had a better turnout.
  • While I agree with you that she could have declined the offer immediately vs going through this headache, I want to point out one thing.  In life, we all compromise and one would hope that the mom throwing the shower would ask her daughter what she would like. 

    Along the same lines, if she allows her mom to babysit LO, does that give her mom free license to feed her cake and ice cream just because she's babysitting?  Sometimes, i's just not that black and white.

     

  • I am glad to hear that you and your mom have come to an understanding as that is the most important thing- the relationship.  I think you did the right thing informing your mom that even though she was giving you this wonderful gift (a shower), it really was not for your enjoyment/benefit.  Your mom appears to be the sort of person who was planning the shower as something she would want for herself (who cares what you'd want) or was making it so elaborate to draw attention to herself from everyone attending (wow- your mom must have spent a lot of money; my shower wasn't this grand, etc.). 

    Plus- you are getting the shower you want (and deserve) from your friend.  We can all take a lesson from your friend and your story- a gift should ALWAYS be what the reciever wants/likes/needs.  Gifts should never be about the person doing the giving.

  • I completely disagree with your comment. Her parents have obviously been trying to run her life up until this point and I think it's wonderful that she has finally stood up to them. It's not like she was standing over her mother's sholder telling her what cake, decorations, etc she wanted. Her only request was that it be a small shower at her home. I know for me being in a large group of people makes me uncomfortable and stresses me out. That's the last thing she needs while she is pregnant!
  • Honestly I am amazed at how many people completely missed the point and feel like the author is selfish.  I completely agree that hosting a shower for someone is a "gift" and I don't believe anyone here is saying that the time, effort and money involved is not appreciated; however, intentionally giving someone a "gift" that they do not want is completely selfish as well. 

    Fortunately I have wonderful friends and family who are supportive and WANT to know what I want but I suppose I would graciously decline any parties thrown "for me" if it was felt that my input was not wanted at all. 

     I'm so glad this all worked out but let's be honest ... she wasn't asking that all of the mini-sandwiches be cut into the shape of pacifiers.  She was asking for a casual shower closer to home so that her real friends could join her in this exciting time.

    Oh, and my advice for anyone who wants to point out again how selfish she is ... don't throw any showers for anyone.  If you do not have the best interest of the recipient in mind then perhaps you shouldn't do anyone any favors.

  • Oh my goodness! My mom sounds a lot like your mom...maybe we should hook them up for a coffee date!

    All seriousness, though...My mom and I have had some serious battles in my 27 years of life. She likes to criticize me for everything, from my voting preferences to my choice of nursery colors. Not to mention, she doesn't like the fact that I use cloth diapers instead of disposables. She likes to micromanage me ALL day long! So, I moved. Now I only have to be near her about once a month or less, and that is perfect for our relationship.

    My advice: stop letting her make you feel guilty. Guilt is such a ridiculous (yet effective) tool for bad people to use.  It only gives her power over you that she doesn't deserve. You are a grown woman, about to give birth to your own child. It's time for her to let go. And it's time for you to take control from now on and live your life the way you want to. There is nothing wrong with being selfish (to a point).

    Good luck, Mama, and don't let other people get you down! :)

«1
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards