Working Moms

am I being unreasonable?

MIL wants L to spend the night with her on a Wednesday night. I said no, because I only get to see her 2-3 hours a day Mon-Fri as it is, and I want that time with my baby. I only have a few months left where it's all about L, and I don't want to give any of that time up right now. Also until about two weeks ago I was working six days a week, so for a while there I was seeing her 2-3 hours a day Mon-Sat. I basically will go 48 hours without playing with her if she spends the night on a weekday.

Her reasoning is that my SD wants to have a sleeopver with L. Well, SD is spending every Friday and Saturday night at our house while she's here for the summer, so she will have plenty of sleepovers with L. If SD feels that she needs a mid-week sleepover, she is welcome to come to our house. MIL watches L two days a week so they will still have plenty of time to see her, more time in those two days than I get all work-week long.

I know MIL is giving DH a hard time about me saying no, because he keeps bringing it up, and I know he doesn't really care one way or the other. Am I being unreasonable? I gave in to a weeknight sleepover on my birthday because MIL thought she was doing me a favor by taking her for the night, and I was against it then too but DH talked me into giving it a shot. Well I gave it a shot and I hated not being able to spend awake time with her for so long and I'm getting irritated that this is still bieng discussed after I firmly said no.

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Re: am I being unreasonable?

  • No I don't think you are being unreasonable especially since MIL watches her 2 days a week.  It's not like you are denying her visiting rights all together.  If it were me, I would also be stressed about the messing of routine.  I have such a good routine going on now that it would stress me out if LO slept somewhere else in the middle of the week.  Plus as you said, it's not fair to you that you have to sacrifice your time with her for SD.
  • Meh - this isn't something I'd go to the mat over, but on the other hand, I'm not really sure why SD's desire to have a sleepover is more important than what you think is best for your LO.  I really don't see how this is a "sleepover" anyway - sounds like your MIL is being silly for no reason.  I would just ignore.
  • I would also talk to your MIL directly and not let her go through your H.  I'm sure he doesnt' really get either of your positions really well and he doesn't like you guys disagreeing. 
  • Um... not sure what 'SD' stands for, but no, you are not being unreasonable at all.

    It is your child and your right to spend how much time with her you want to! I hate that I only get 2-3 quality hours a night with DS M-F as well. If that because there are the night I go to the gym and stuff where it is more like a half hour. I get sat and sun and wouldn't give those up either unless I have to. 

    Since MIL WATCHES your DD 2 days a week, it isn't like she can claim she never sees her or you are keeping her from seeing her. You need to tell DH that you said no, that is your final call on it and HE needs to stand up to his mother and say that and STOP bringing it up to you!

  • Eh, I wasn't ready to spend a night away from DD til she was 2, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.  A weeknight sleepover sounds like much more of a pain than a favor to me.
  • You aren't being unreasonable. IMO, your LO is still so little, what would they possibly do?  Stick to your guns and do what makes you feel comfortable. 
  • Keep saying "What a nice offer, but no thank you." over and over again. Keep beating that dead horse and sticking to your grounds and eventually, you'll win the battle. Don't argue with your DH about it. Say, "Aww that's nice of your mother - but my answer is the same - NO." and eventually, he'll answer for you and stop asking you.

    that's beyond stupid that an 8 month old needs a sleep over. I think MIL is using SD as a ploy to guilt trip you.

    Tell SD they can do sleep overs at your house when your DC is 3 and you'll supply all the candy and dress up clothes!

  • no way.  i have not spent a night away from DS.  i would only do it if *i* wanted to, certainly not b/c someone else wanted it.  

    hold your ground and have your husband tell her no means no.  it is not unreasonable not to want to spend the night away from YOUR BABY. 

  • You are NOT being unreasonable. YOU ARE THE MOM...YOU ARE IN CONTROL....YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS. 

    Period.

     If you are uncomfortable with something relating to LO, you call all the shots. Who cares what people think? You are mom...you are the ultimate authority. As a working mom, you have limited time with DD and if you want every waking/sleeping moment with her, thats what YOU get. Don't let anyone give you a hard time or step on you. YOU are in control. YOUR child, you make the decisions.  

  • On the general topic of you wanting to make parenting decisions without pressure from your MIL, you are not being unreasonable.

    But you do sound a little tightly wound about losing a single 2-3 hour block of time in the course of your daughter's entire childhood.  I'm guessing the level of hostility towards the idea has more to do with MIL's bossiness than the actual sleepover?

    (Admittedly, I'm a biased party -- I'm all for a little grandparent sleepover and the associated 8am wake-up time).

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  • No, you are being completely reasonable.  It is totally understandable that you would want to spend weeknights with LO.  Can you ask DH to back you up on this, so it isn't brought up 1000 times?
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  • image Iblamethebeer:

    On the general topic of you wanting to make parenting decisions without pressure from your MIL, you are not being unreasonable.

    But you do sound a little tightly wound about losing a single 2-3 hour block of time in the course of your daughter's entire childhood.  I'm guessing the level of hostility towards the idea has more to do with MIL's bossiness than the actual sleepover?

    (Admittedly, I'm a biased party -- I'm all for a little grandparent sleepover and the associated 8am wake-up time).

    Ditto this.  Yes, your child, your choice and you do need to do what feels right.

    But yes, as I read your post, I was like "we're talking ONE 2 - 3 hour chunk of time out of her life". 

    Also, do you pay your MIL to watch DD or does she do it for free?  I ask because my parents watch DS 2 days a week for free.  They LOVE to watch him.  As such, my "payment" to them is to allow them as much time as we can w/ him.  They hate to go a full week w/o seeing him, so I always try to find time on the weeknd for them to see him, and more times than not - he spends the night at their house during the 2 days they watch him. 

    They love having him stay the night, and it makes them happy to have that time w/ him.  For the HUGE favor they are doing us, I see this as "payment" to them. 

    Just another perspective.  In the end, again, you do have to do what feels right for you, and I'm not going to judge that.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  •  I really don't get why some people get so up in arms about some one that LOVES their child wanting to spend some extra time with them.  It's one night, and your MIL clearly really wants it.  It is not the end of the world.  You will see your DD again.  And also, I hate when moms pull the "My child is 9 months old and we have never been apart" card.  Who cares?  The women loves your child, watches your child for you (my guess is unpaid) and simply wants to have the two girls over together.  Let her have it. 
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  • image Iblamethebeer:

    On the general topic of you wanting to make parenting decisions without pressure from your MIL, you are not being unreasonable.

    But you do sound a little tightly wound about losing a single 2-3 hour block of time in the course of your daughter's entire childhood.  I'm guessing the level of hostility towards the idea has more to do with MIL's bossiness than the actual sleepover?

    (Admittedly, I'm a biased party -- I'm all for a little grandparent sleepover and the associated 8am wake-up time).

    Yes I'm on the other side of the fence mainly because DS is a pretty crappy sleeper so a break helps me stay sane, but while there's nothing wrong with wanting her home with you I also don't think it's near as big a deal as you're making it.  Look at it this way - at some point you will want a break and it will be great that your DD is already comfortable staying with someone else who loves and cherishes the time with her!  It's really a win/win situation.

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  • image jillms413:
    No I don't think you are being unreasonable especially since MIL watches her 2 days a week.  It's not like you are denying her visiting rights all together.  If it were me, I would also be stressed about the messing of routine.  I have such a good routine going on now that it would stress me out if LO slept somewhere else in the middle of the week.  Plus as you said, it's not fair to you that you have to sacrifice your time with her for SD.
    I agree


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  • I can sympathize with the OP.  Yes, it's just 2-3 hours, but when you won't be able to see her for a full 48 hours, that's a big deal for some of us.  It's hard as it is to be away from them all day at work - and if MIL sees DD twice a week, MIL sees DD more often than the OP does during the week.

    If I were a SAHM, spending plenty of time with my son on a daily basis, I'd think about it, assuming I got along well with the MIL (meaning, I trusted this person to take care of my son).  But with working all week, those hours with my son would be precious to me, and I doubt I'd allow a sleep over at that age.

    Her MIL sees plenty of DD during the week - again, MORE than the OP does.  She can get over it, and stop with the nagging.
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  • image Madringal:
     I really don't get why some people get so up in arms about some one that LOVES their child wanting to spend some extra time with them.  It's one night, and your MIL clearly really wants it.  It is not the end of the world.  You will see your DD again.  And also, I hate when moms pull the "My child is 9 months old and we have never been apart" card.  Who cares?  The women loves your child, watches your child for you (my guess is unpaid) and simply wants to have the two girls over together.  Let her have it. 

    I'm not saying I can never be apart from her. I don't mind Saturday sleepovers, because I still get to see DD for a while each day. I don't like weeknight sleepovers because I don't get to see her for 48 hours. I have tried it, I don't like it. I said she could have a Saturday sleepover with DD but apparently wasn't good enough. It's not like I'm keeping her from seeing her grandaughter - we visit them every other weekend too. I just want to spend time with my kid while she has my undivided attention, and in a few months I won't be able to do as much with DD so I do cherish those 2-3 hours a day I get with her right now.

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  • image moonfaerie:

    I said she could have a Saturday sleepover with DD but apparently wasn't good enough. It's not like I'm keeping her from seeing her grandaughter - we visit them every other weekend too. I just want to spend time with my kid while she has my undivided attention, and in a few months I won't be able to do as much with DD so I do cherish those 2-3 hours a day I get with her right now.

    W/ my parents, I know that if I didn't let DS stay w/ them during the week but wanted to on the weekend- they'd be perfectly happy w/ that.  It sounds like your MIL might be a bit overbearing nad from that perspective, I don't blame you one bit from wanting to stand your ground. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • On some level this is more about drawing a boundary with your MIL than about the 2-3 hours. You should be able to say "no" for what ever reason you want, and she should respect it.

    For now, hold your ground. You need to draw that boundary. In the future, always say, "Let me think about it and get back to you" when she makes a request. Then, really think about it, talk to DH about it with an open mind, and then make your "final answer."

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  • I completely agree with you. That 2-3 hour block means the world to me and I will not give it up for anyone. A sleepover at her age? Heck no! Call it what you like, you're the mom and you want to be with your child and if you didn't, THAT is what would not be normal. And I agree with the others, tell her yourself and nip that in the bud. Good luck!
  • You are being completely reasonable.  MIL's decisions/wants do not overcome your own needs/decisions/wants as a parent.

    I think the whole sleepover thing is just a dumb thing she's made up. understandably the SD likes to spend time with the baby, but can't she do that during the day this summer??

    It may sound like just 2 hours, but for me personally, that 2 hours is the only time i spend with my child in the evening and it is more important to me than somebody else's time with them. Sorry.

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  • I may be the minority but I don't see the big deal with the sleep over. Your MIL might actually be the one that wants the sleep over with the 2 children. It is only one night.

     


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  • image mbenit4:

    I may be the minority but I don't see the big deal with the sleep over. Your MIL might actually be the one that wants the sleep over with the 2 children. It is only one night.

    It is definitely MIL that wants it, because SD could come to our house and spend the night during the week if she really wanted to hang out with L.

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  • Mia has never spent the night with anyone other than my mom and her dad's mom.  It is your baby your decision ultimately. If it is about you feeling your MIL is being bossy then that is one thing but if you feel comfortable with her being around your baby which she must take good care of her because she cares for her now then I would allow it.

    I tend to pick my battles and I just don't think this is one I would pick to fight on. Just do what is best for your family and you will feel better about your decision no matter what.


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