Baby Showers

Anyone not want a shower?

Hi guys,

 I'm still really early on in my pregnancy, and I'm already dreading telling my mom I don't want a baby shower.  I have a lot of reasons why I really don't want one - some personal, and some practical (like the fact we'll be living on the other side of the country from where the party/guests would be and I don't want to worry about traveling in 3rd tri or having it in 2nd tri).  My mom threw showers for my SIL for both her kids, and I'm worried she's going to feel very hurt and upset that I don't want one (this is our first).

 Instead I'm going to suggest a 'Welcome Baby' party a few months after birth - just a casual backyard BBQ where any and all can come, I hope that idea would also help soften the blow.

Anyone else decide not to have a shower? Did you have a mom/sister/friend who was upset by it?  How did you deal with it?

 Thanks!

~MM

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Re: Anyone not want a shower?

  • VORVOR
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
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    Well, if she offers, I would take the approach of "Thank you So much for the offer.  I'll think about it, but I'm really not sure how feasible it is as I now live so far away.  I absolutely want to celebrate the baby, though, and perhaps we can kill two birds with one stone - after the baby is born, we'll plan a trip home (go in the the Welcome idea)....".

    If you take the focus off "no, I don't want a shower", perhaps she won't be too upset.

    But I do have to say - i'm not sure what there is to be "hurt" over.  It's nothing personal - it's mostly a logistical issue for you!

  • heh, you haven't me my mom ;)  I love her, but she tends to take everything really personally and is also a bit overbearing.  She tends to get hurt really easily and is great at the mother guilt game.

    Your suggestion is really good, though - just to wait for her to bring it up and then say 'no thanks'.

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  • I really didn't want one..and I made that clear with my family early on. However, I had a work shower yesterday which I would have felt rude saying no to. It was actually really nice and I'm glad that they had it.

    As far as a regular shower goes, I live in a different state from all of my family. My mom is coming to visit in 2 weeks and hasn't met a lot of DF's family... Of course she wants to meet everyone, so we're having a "cookout". Basically, a cookout with gifts...so yes, it's essentially a baby shower.

    So, as you can see, the whole no shower deal ended up not working out for me! The main reason I didn't want one is because I hate being the center of attention...but it really hasn't been that bad.

  • I don't really want one, but the people at work will be hurt if I say no. But I'm waiting for them to come forward with the idea. My family is all in the states, so no worries there.
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  • My sister didn't have one until after the baby was born and my Mom was fine with it.  Now with that said my sister had to get A LOT of things on her own that she would have gotten at a baby shower which made it a little harder on her.  She lived in Florida at the time and my Mom was in Maine, so they also had to ship a lot of stuff to her house, so there are lots of pros and cons to having one so far away and not having one at all.  Talk it over with you Mom, Moms can be pretty understanding when it comes to stuff like that and she might have a better idea too.
  • I am not having ANY showers.  I remember my grandmother telling me that she always worried about celebrating a baby before it was born.  In my family, we generally don't do baby showers, but we have huge christening parties.  With that said, my mom was still upset (a little more than I think she let on) that I did not want a shower.  I do think that my MIL was the most upset though.  I just explained they made me uncomfortable and everyone seemed to understand. 

    As far as your mom throwing one and you having to travel across country, I would think (and I'm going based off of having a sensitive Mom myself) that if you approached it from the angle of, "I would love for you to throw me a shower, but I really don't know how this pregnancy is going to go. I'd hate the have everything set and ready and my doctor tell me I'm not allowed to fly.  What if we did a barbecue to celebrate after the baby was born and then everyone could meet the baby as well? We could even make it a 'Shower the Baby' party if you wanted."

    I truly understand the possibility of your mom taking it personally - my mom bought a christening gown (and while yes, it is quite beautiful) 6 years ago. Before my husband and I met and before my sister met her husband...and she then got upset that we weren't as excited about it at the time!!

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  • I live in the US and my family is in another country.  I could not go there for a shower but my mil insisted on having one without me.  I repeatedly said I did not want one so she took it upon herself to make it a surprise and told me when everything was booked and the invitations were out.  ugh.  I called on a cell phone and got passed around the shower.  For me it was emotional because I did not want this and then it was happening and I could not be there and was homesick. In the end we did get some nice things and a lot of money and I guess people were happy to do it for us. I know my mil was.
  • I live across the country from my mom and friends too (DH in the Navy). My mom threw me a baby shower when I was around 22 weeks prego with twins. I did lots of research on the safety of flights and stuff, and I definitely think it was worth it. I figure when the babies come (Aug 24), I wont be getting out much for some time, so I needed to see everyone before that.

  • Hey MM,

    I for sure do not want a shower.  My mom and sister are completely on board with me too, which is nice.  I've had a hard time convincing people, even my hubby, but I'm hoping that everyone will understand my decision.  I wasn't trying to be really rude, but I told them that if they plan something and try to surprise me, I will walk out.  I'm compromised with my best friend, though, who is throwing me a birthday party instead.  The only pregnancy related thing will be the food.  The menu will be focussed on cravings.  Other than that.  It's completely just a birthday party.  We'll be celebrating the baby when he or she is here in 9 weeks! :)

  • My friend lives in California but is originally from NY. We had a small baby shower for her in NY. She received a lot of cards, money and gift certificates which I am sure were very helpful in getting things she needed before the baby arrived. Also, she registered and many people got things on-line and had them shipped to her house. Like you, I am expecting my first baby and I do not know what I would have done without my shower! It was so helpful and made things much easier and less expensive. It saved me a lot of time and money. However, I will say that some parts were a little overwhelming. But, it is up to you, just my thoughts!  
  • My husband and I don't want to have a baby shower either. Don't let "hurting someone's feelings" change your mind. Why can't other people grasp the notion that it would be hurting YOUR feelings or upsetting YOU to have a shower? It's not about them, it's about you. 

    We also plan to have a "welcome baby" party after he/she is born, and that will be a LOT more fun for people anyway. As for all the loot you'd get at a shower, maybe I'm superstitious, but if things don't go well, I don't want to come home to a house full of basinets and baby clothes. In the first few weeks the baby will need very little, and you can always give friends/family a suggested list of goodies you'll need AFTER the baby is born!

    Congrats, and hope it all goes well.

    xo 

  • I've never liked going to baby showers.  Mainly the silly games.  My EDD is 01/19/11 SO that puts a shower around holiday time.  I am thinking welcome baby party as well.
  • If she is really insisiting on a shower, have you thought about a virtual shower.  Use the good ole web cam.  Then you still fill her need and you get some great gifts.... just a thought (and no traveling).
  • I completely understand and am in your boat! Like others have suggested, I will be doing both a christening party and my mom is having an "open house" around the holidays.  When i explain to people that i'm doing this for 2 reasons: 1)to avoid another shower where young cousins strapped for cash and others don't have to buy another gift (i'm from a big family and married into a big family where bridal/baby showers are every month) and 2) so that everyone (med and women) can meet the baby (isn't that the point anyway?!)  People are much more willing to understand my point of view and are ok with it. 

    I also tell people that ask that I'm accepting of gifts, I just don't want to put them out by compelling them to buy me a gift because they received an invitation.  For people that want me to have a registry and don't know what to buy, I'm asking those who are moms to get anything that was a time-saver or helped them out in some way. And for those that aren't moms,  I've asked them to get me something I wouldn't buy myself (like a funny onsie that I wouldn't buy because it's $15-20.)

    Hope this helps! So far, it's worked for me!

  • because you are so far away, could you do a distance shower.  my friends mom did it for her.  the guests all went shopping together with a camera.  the chose what they wanted to purchase for mom and took a picture holding it.  Then the got a HUGE gift card with enough money including tax to purchase all the items.    They sent a small package with the pictures and gift card to mommy.  Then the mommy went to the store or online and got everything she needed!  She did not get everything they chose, kind pf like returning some of the gifts, but sh was able to get sooo much stuff and had no stress of having to call in or anything. 

     

    Then you could have a welcome baby party for everyone to get to meet her/him.

     

    That way you do not have to travel or be stressed, but mom still gets to do something for you!

  • Hello,

    This is my first pregnancy and more than anything I do not want a shower. First of all, I hate going to showers myself.....the thought of torturing my poor guests and myself is too much to bear. I would have to invite annoying family members that I could care less to ever see again. I told my mother and my sister and they didn't care one bit. Probably because they don't want to see the same family members. If your mom gives you hard time than the shower is more for her than for you and she should respect your wishes. I would for my child. Good luck!!

     Melissa

  • Can you just call the party afterward a shower?  So - Mom says - I want to have this shower for you.

    You say - Thanks so much - that would be awesome!  I know this is a little untraditional, but do you think we can have the shower after the baby comes?  I'm really nervous about traveling during pregnancy and of course I want every one to meet the baby too...

  • I love VOR's suggestion.  Tyring to keep the peace and re-direct your mother's good intentions are worth the effort when you have a new baby comming.  Maybe you could present it to your mother that the 'Welcome Baby" party would be better to include your Hubby. Saying he really wants to particpate but finds the whole 'co-ed shower' thing a bit cheesy.  It's his first baby too!

    I am dealing with this too.  I am pregnant with my second child and do not want another baby shower.  The first shower for the first baby was enough. I live in Miami and the Hispanic/Latin tradition is to have a shower or several showers for each and every baby.  Convincing my MIL and co-workers not to plan a shower has been difficult.  But I have not encountered "hurt" feeling, maybe some dissapointment but not "hurt".  I found that if I calmly and gently explained why I didn't want the shower, people were more receptive.  Good Luck!

  • image Dewdrop57:
    If she is really insisiting on a shower, have you thought about a virtual shower.  Use the good ole web cam.  Then you still fill her need and you get some great gifts.... just a thought (and no traveling).

    I think the web cam idea is a great idea for in or out of town. especially if you hate going to showers. 

    I was put on bed rest at 24 weeks, and my doctor said as long as everything goes well I can still attend my in town showers, but not any out of town showers. Well I am still doing okay and I have another shower coming up on the 26th of June, and my mother-in-law is going to have a web cam ready in the case I can't make it even though it is an in town shower.  

    Also with the traveling in your third trimester, most doctors don't want you to, so you can always use that excuse as well, and then your mom can't argue with the doctor lol. (well if she is like my mom she will but you don't have to feel bad about it, cause then its just her being hormonal lol).

     

  • I'm 6 months pregnant and have told my mother in law and sisters in law at least 20 times that I do not want a shower. They asked me "then how will people get you gifts?" to my reply, "I have a registry, people can go on there and mail it or hold onto the gifts until the baby is born."

    There are 2 reasons why I am not having a shower: 1. It is Jewish tradition to not celebrate the birth of a baby until the baby has been born - nothing in the house, no gifts, no crib etc. 2. I had 1 miss last year and would hate to have things in the house or a baby shower to celebrate and then have something happen. I wouldnt want the constant reminder.

     There is plenty of time to celebrate the baby after he/she is born - think about it, you'll also have more energy vs in your 3rd trimester.

  • I'd agree with all the PP's who suggested a virtual shower - your friends and family will still have fun throwing it for you and you'll get a LOT of things you'll need. We got almost everything on our registry (except furniture) at our shower and it was such a great help, we would have had to spend a couple thousand dollars otherwise on all the clothes, toys and supplies we received. If family wants to throw you a shower, I say do what you can to let them! Also you could try doing it in your 2nd trimester if you want to travel home - FWIW I was totally up for travel during the 2nd trimester - 3rd I was neither allowed or feeling up to it.
    Jude Wayne - Born 4/23/10 Violet Patricia - Born 12/5/12 Breastfeeding, baby-wearing work-at-home mom of 2 living in Rockville, MD
  • I decided not to have a shower as well. This is my second girl so we already have most of the stuff we need and we still have pretty much the same group of family and friends so I really felt like a shower would be repetitive/unnecessary... BUT my mom wanted to throw one anyways. I was able to convince her to do an open house (relieves some pressure on people to bring gifts) and to make it a welcome party (co-ed!) so everyone can meet our little girl. My mom is actually really excited about it and was a bit relieved to not have to come up with shower games/activities. Maybe your mom will feel the same?
  • I come from a small city where I've been to many showers, some before birth but many after. People seem to like showers after birth because the gifts can be gender specific or include names and dates. Plus everyone gets to see the baby which is what they really want.

    I think the shower details (when it is or if you have one) should be up to the mother. I have 2 sisters and 2 SIL all of which had baby showers. But I decided not to have one and some people were upset but it was my choice. I'm now pregnant with my 2nd with no plans for a shower. Just do what makes you happy!

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  • I am in the TTC situation but a lot of my friends have had showers recently and I would like one too when my time comes. More so than a wedding shower, I think they help alleviate the expense of getting all these items yourself. Unlike a wedding shower, where I can always get a blender or toaster, I don't "need" one per say... I find that baby showers are much more useful/practical for new moms. There are so many things you miss and really need. I have seen this over and over again with my girlfriends who were happy to have showers when family and friends who had children got them very thoughtful and helpful items that they had missed entirely. I agree with some posters - baby showers are silly and campy (I hate the games, they are just annoying most of the time) but a baby shower definitely help easy the pressure on your finances.

    However, having said all that - if it's a religious or personal reason for not having one, and you're completely fine with it, your family should respect your wishes and not ram it down your throat. It's one thing to point out a few good reasons to have one, and another to force it on someone. If you have said a firm "No thank you", that should be the end of the discussion. It's about YOU and your baby, not them. If they want to buy you something, they can do so without all the trappings of a shower.

    Whatever happens, good luck, I wish you well Smile

  • MM,

    Thanks for posting this. I didn't want a shower even before I got pregnant and people would say--"You'll change your mind"--but I didn't. I just started telling everyone really early that I wasn't having one. Then people said--"But you need stuff for the baby"--I bought a lot of it, but people still get you gifts anyway.

     It got a little difficult when I told my mom, she was upset b/c I also told her I didn't want anyone but DH at the birth, so she was a little nasty but I just realized that she has her own ideas about what this grandchild means and they may not always jive with what we want. It is hard to unintentionally hurt someone (by setting boundaries) but if you don't, in the end you get bitter at this person or people (something I learned from my wedding). My advice is not to make excuses or make things up. Just say you don't want one and you've made this decision (or in my case I said my AND my DH had made this decision). As soon as you start telling them this reason or that reason, they just start picking it apart.In my case my mom ended up not doing ANYTHING (I think out of spite) but you can't control how others will react.

    This is your family and you have to do what is comfortable with you. Its not like you are telling her she can't ever see the baby. In my birthing classes they told us to set the boundaries we need and when we did it helped us a lot.

  • i absolutely did not want a shower because (although this seems stuck up....) i am much wealtheir and materialistic than anyone who would attend my shower. Plus, the thought of getting a bunch of "mommy loves me" bibs is totally grotesque. 

    Unfortuantely, my employees threw me a "surprise party" the other day which i realize is thoughtful, but took away from work productivity and actually really pissed me off after all was said and done. PLus there were 2 cakes which i ended up eating mostly by myself which really threw off my diet (i've gained 60 lbs so far and even the doctor is telling me to cut back).

    my MIL just threw herself a shower (without telling me) and received a TON of crap (mommy loves me onesies, more bibs, etc), which she mailed to me in a HUGE box. I am now having a nervous breakdown because i can't figure out how to dispose all this stuff.   URGGGH!! 

     which leads me to a good question, possibly worthy of a separate post... Does anyone have a good way of efficiently returning baby shower items if no gift receipt was provided? how do you figure out where the items were purchased? will they accept exchanges if the original packaging is missing? what are the policies? is there a website for unwanted baby items? 

    Please don't suggest "donate to charity" as i am fundamentally anti-charities and anti-donations.  

     

    thanks! 

  • I know how you feel! My husband's squadron just moved us from Maine to Florida, and I really dont know anyone here, my husband does but its a bunch of the guys from work. Every one of the husbands' wives keep asking me when I am having a baby shower, and to keep them informed. I haven't had time to really bond with any of them, because I take Medical courses most of the day, so I don't feel that it is their responsibility to throw me  a party. I don't feel comfortable throwing one for myself, especially when I have NO clue who to invite! And my mom, up in Maine, and his mom in another state further west keeps asking about baby showers. It gets annoying doesn't it. yes I do want to celebrate my little one, but Im not in what way.  
  • Hey, I had a Welcome Baby Shower w/my 1st and it was wonderful. Everyone that would have come to see me at home right after the baby was born waited until the Shower. I found that that was so much more easier for me and not having to deal with all those ppl coming to my home after the birth and the adjustment period. I think it is a great idea and your mom will appreciate your feelings on that. I told my fam and friends that I wanted to wait because I wanted them to all to get to see the baby at the same time and everyone was ok with that.
  • I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my first baby (a girl!) and I knew from the start I did not want a shower. I'm just not that type to have a party and have everyone stare at me for an hour or more. I know showers are mainly for the baby, but it's just not for me. It would just make me uncomfortbale. My co-workers asked if I was having one and I said no. They were shocked, so my boss asked if we could all get together at a restaurant and give me gifts. I said ok. So we had my "shower" at Chili's the other day and it was actually nice. I really appreciated it. Some people just love to give gifts!

    And none of my family are upset by it. They know how I am. lol They have bought me baby gifts the last few months and will continue throughout the rest of my baby's life...I'm sure of it! :)

     

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