3rd Trimester

My stepdaughter - should she be here?

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Re: My stepdaughter - should she be here?

  • I wouldn't have SD there. Especially since she's been sick a lot. I know it's her sister, but she can wait until you're a bit more healed to be at the house. You're going to need your rest.
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  • You should get over the germ thing and find a way to accept your stepdaughter into this situation.  You are carrying her sister, she is little and she is probably more excited than you can even imagine.  If she was YOUR child would you want to exclude her?  I mean if you and your DH had an older child would you be expelling them from the house for weeks until you got over your silly "germ issue".  She is family, and the idea that you would exclude her is so sad to me.

  • RitaT22RitaT22
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    Only since she is sick, it's not a good idea to have her there.
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  • image MeanMommyLady:

    If she was YOUR child would you want to exclude her? 

    Exactly this.

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  • I agree with the PP. I mean germs are a part of life, I didn't stop anyone from holding my daughter and MOST people have enough common sense to not hold a child or come visit to a hospital if they are sick. I think a lot of people especially close family will be offended if they aren't allowed to hold LO. Your SD is 5 and probably crazy excited to be a big sister, its a big deal for her too. I mean if she was your daughter, would you send her off for the weekend? You have to consider DH's feelings too, since they are BOTH his kids, he might want you all together as a family. SD is old enough to feel left out especially since it is her normal weekend to be there. She has probably been looking forward to it.

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  • Why don't you treat her as if she were your LO's full bio sister and do what every other parent does to prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? I would not change anything about her usual routine around the arrival of your LO. Why do anything to make a five-year-old feel like a third wheel?

    ETA: also I don't understand this "just the three of us" business with your DH. You married a man with a daughter. It was never going to be "just the three of you," she's been in his life, and now your life, the whole time and isn't going anywhere.

  • she is your SO's daughter too, and it is her right to spend every other weekend with him. if it's his weekend to have her, then she should be there.  just because she isn't YOUR daughter doesn't make her any less your SO's daughter. if she has a cold just don't let her hold LO until she washes her hands, or just tell her she needs to wait till she's older to hold the baby.

    ETA: you also previously mentioned your SIL will be there to help clean/cook/whatever...don't feel shy to ask her to do things that need to be done if that's her purpose for being there. after I came home I had my mom fetching me drinks, pillows, cleaning, etc. don't try to be too independent, your family will be more than willing to help!

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  • As a stepkid who was always treated like a second-class citizen, I say you should include her. Treat her as if she were your child even when you don't feel like it. You should never differentiate between 'your own' children and your 'step'children. Put yourself in her shoes, and being a child how would it make you feel? If she is sick, then there should be rules about her touching the baby (washing hands, no kissing, etc) and DH should be there to help with her as well, just as if it was your child.
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  • image Texasmom410:

    Well, the sick thing is not the best reason, you know because if she was MY daughter, she'd be home. 

    I'm trying to be nice here, but that statement makes you sound like an evil step mother. 

    If its her weekend to be there, I think you need to embrace your step-daughter and allow her to be around.  You said you will have "family" visiting, but won't allow your husband's other child to be at her home? It is her home even if its only every other weekend.

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  • yea I think you need to chill out about the OCD thing a bit, just ask someone to help if she makes a mess and concentrate on your own baby

    I wouldn't exclude her from this special time - if she's sick - fine, maybe wait until she feels better, but you need to remember this is a special time for her too and this IS her sibling

  • image fussbucket:

    Why don't you treat her as if she were your LO's full bio sister and do what every other parent does to prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? I would not change anything about her usual routine around the arrival of your LO. Why do anything to make a five-year-old feel like a third wheel?

    ETA: also I don't understand this "just the three of us" business with your DH. You married a man with a daughter. It was never going to be "just the three of you," she's been in his life, and now your life, the whole time and isn't going anywhere.

     

    This. It is her sister and I think you are not considering how DH feels in the situation. She can't be excluded from the situation just because you didn't give birth to her, she is a big sister and part of the family. My sister has 2 kids of her own and her fiance has a daughter as well, and my sister does everything she can to make her not feel like a "third wheel". Shes 5 and she will not be able to understand why daddy tells her she can't come see her new baby sister. DH can take care of her and you need to get over that OCD because nothing can be planned for with a newborn in the house. You are going to have 2 sets of helping hands to help with her, its not like its you are alone with her and a baby because then it would be understandable.

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  • My SD is 8. We also have her every other weekend. My Csection is scheduled on a Thursday, we are scheduled to have her that weekend. My IL's will be in town, and we are swapping weekends. Of course, I will be in the hospital all weekend. But I want DH there too. My MIL may bring her up to the hospital to meet the baby at some point during the weekend, but she will be going back to her mom's.

    My MIL is going to stay here for a week afterwards because I also have a 2yo DD, I had thought I would have my SD come during that week too. But I have changed my mind. SD is still really jealous of DD and gets kind of pouty and throws tantrums if DD is getting attention that she isn't getting, especially from MIL and FIL. She used to be the same way with DH and I, but we were able to stop that. MIL and FIL kind of feed into it, and since they moved to Maryland 2 years ago, they feel guilty and just give in to SD, no matter what DH and I have to say about it. My husband has law school finals the week after I have the baby, so the last thing I need is the extra stress of SD, on top of DH's finals, my MIL being here, and my DD adjusting to not being the only child 80% of the time.

     

  • image Texasmom410:
    image fussbucket:

    Why don't you treat her as if she were your LO's full bio sister and do what every other parent does to prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? I would not change anything about her usual routine around the arrival of your LO. Why do anything to make a five-year-old feel like a third wheel?

    ETA: also I don't understand this "just the three of us" business with your DH. You married a man with a daughter. It was never going to be "just the three of you," she's been in his life, and now your life, the whole time and isn't going anywhere.

    Well we have her alternating weekends, so to her we'd have her this coming weekend, and not next weekend, which would be the normal routine, we would have her every weekend but my husband works alternating weekends.

    We've prepared her for baby and she is veryyy excited. I don't know, maybe I am being selfish. That's why I posted this, sometimes I feel like my thinking is probably off and I dont need to exclude her. I sort of wanted it just me, and DH so that we could focus on the new baby, she is MY first baby so its a super big deal to me and I want it to be for him too...

    I posted above, but I'm going to post again. This thread is VERY upsetting to me. Yes, you are being selfish. Unless it was a surprise after you married into this situation, you knew all of this going in. SHE IS A 5 YR OLD CHILD WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED AND INCLUDED AS PART OF HER FAMILY!!! Put yourself or your child in her shoes and figure it out. If you don't figure it out, she will....and sooner than you think. Good grief. I have to stop now.

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  • image fussbucket:

    Why don't you treat her as if she were your LO's full bio sister and do what every other parent does to prepare older siblings for the arrival of a new baby? I would not change anything about her usual routine around the arrival of your LO. Why do anything to make a five-year-old feel like a third wheel?

    ETA: also I don't understand this "just the three of us" business with your DH. You married a man with a daughter. It was never going to be "just the three of you," she's been in his life, and now your life, the whole time and isn't going anywhere.

    This. I would be thinking of ways to include her, not exclude her. Also, the germ thing is going too far. No one will be allowed to hold the baby in the hospital? That's a bit much. Her not living with you full time and therefore potentially bringing in a disease to your house is a bit much too.
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  • Gut reaction- it's mean to not include SD.  It'll hurt her & your H.  She's part of the deal & obviously she is going to want to be there w/ her sister.  If she was your own child she'd be there so it shouldn't be any different than that.
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  • image MeanMommyLady:

    You should get over the germ thing and find a way to accept your stepdaughter into this situation.  You are carrying her sister, she is little and she is probably more excited than you can even imagine.  If she was YOUR child would you want to exclude her?  I mean if you and your DH had an older child would you be expelling them from the house for weeks until you got over your silly "germ issue".  She is family, and the idea that you would exclude her is so sad to me.

    exactly

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  • My first thought reading this is that I'd rather not have to deal with my DS when I first get home from the hospital either....but I HAVE to.  He's my child and this child's brother.  I don't have a choice in the matter and neither do most people.  People have to deal with older siblings with a new baby every single day.  If she is scheduled to be with you guys that weekend, then she should. Plus, you are going to have plenty of help around the house it sounds like.

    That Saturday is a good two weeks away.  She will probably be WELL over any sickness in 2 weeks (I'd hope so, otherwise you have bigger problems!)   And yes, you not wanting her to bring germs from the other house is completely ridiculous. 
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  • With having a new baby, you are going to need to accept help and also understand things aren't going to get done right away. Your world is going to be all kinds of turned around when this baby comes. You need to accept things will NOT be done the way you want them done all the time. Also its a good experience maybe for SD to work on becoming more responsible for her toys and you can maybe talk to her about how important it is for her toys not to be left out so no one trips while holding the new baby. It can be her big sister duty or something. Seeing as her mother wants nothing to do with her, you need to include her, she doesn't need to be "shunned" by more family especially her daddy. I think you can handle it, its not like its your neice or nephew staying the weekend. I understand about wanting alone family time. My DH missed the birth of our first DD and is actually going to home for this one. My parents are going to be here for the first 8 days and Im all about it being just "us" with the baby, but Im also way grateful we even  have family to be here with us (they are driving 12 hours to be with us). Sometimes I think you just need to think of it from a different angle...like your husband being there and not finding out about the birth of his first daughter after getting back from a 8 day mission and not even having a clue his daughter was born until his commander told him and he got permission to call me. Im just saying, life doesn't always work out the way we want it or plan for it, but just be grateful for what you have, including a SD who probably loves and adores you.
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  • I'm not sure what you mean by "she is allowed to call you mama." If her mother has nothing to do with her, then you ARE her mother figure. (I'm also not quite sure why her nanna would be raising her instead of her father, but that's another issue.) when you are a step-parent, especially to such a young child, you are going to become like an actual parent to them. I'm sure she loves you a lot too, and it sounds like she sees you as a mom. of course we don't know what kind of relationship she has with her real mom, but if there isn't one then you need to step up and be a mommy to her too. like a PP said, when you married your SO you knew he had a kid and she would be around. you shouldn't treat her any different than you would treat your LO.
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  • This whole thread really makes you sound like a very young very selfish brat.

    You are going to have to get over the germ thing...seriously.  You are about to have a child...they put their mouths on everything, people are going to touch her and someday...she's going to eat dirt.

    As far as the messes in your house go...you're going to have to get over that too.  I am a one toy at a time mom, but one toy often means the entire set of hotwheels, or the entire train set, and sometimes (especially when other people are in charge of my child) it means that more than one thing comes out at a time...it's a mess, you get over it.  

    Between the germs and the mess and the total selfishness you are going to make yourself completely bonkers as a new mom.  Maybe, when your little one gets here you will understand that mom's don't just love their children when they are healthy, clean, pick up after themselves and are convenient...and hopefully that can spill over into your feelings for your stepdaughter.  I can't stop feeling badly for her, especially as you tell us her bio-mom doesn't want her and she considers YOU a mommy figure.  That poor little girl.

  • I posted above, but I'm going to post again. This thread is VERY upsetting to me. Yes, you are being selfish. Unless it was a surprise after you married into this situation, you knew all of this going in. SHE IS A 5 YR OLD CHILD WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED AND INCLUDED AS PART OF HER FAMILY!!! Put yourself or your child in her shoes and figure it out. If you don't figure it out, she will....and sooner than you think. Good grief. I have to stop now.

    Ditto this. Honestly, I feel really sorry for your SD. ETA And ditto getting over the mess thing. You're going to have a new baby. You're just not going to be able to clean like you'd like to. And the germ thing? This is your SD. She's five. She's going to bring germs into the house like any other child would. Your infant will survive.
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  • Okay, I have to say I know where you're coming from to an extent, and I understand that you're just being honest. I have a SS and am pregnant with my first baby too. As much as I may love my SS, it is different to actually be pregnant and give birth to my own child, and it's hard not to fixate on that. Of course I want there to be a tight bond between my husband, me, and our child, and I think there will be no matter what.

    But there is also a VERY tight bond between my husband and my SS, and I knew that when I married him. SS will be my baby's brother and my husband and I have gone to great lengths to assure my SS that his relationship with his dad will not change with the baby's arrival, but of course there will be some environmental changes. For the first week or two after the baby is born, we likely won't get SS as much, just so we can get adjusted and get the first stressful period over with. But we get SS whenever we want - it's not a weekend thing, and there's no way we wouldn't have him AT ALL during that two-week period. If you only have SD for a couple days (a weekend), I would let her come - she'll be dying to meet the baby and it's only for a couple days and you can rest as much as you want the following week.

    As for the OCD, I think you will be so preoccupied with a newborn that you won't stress over messes and germs as much as you think you will.

    I would really encourage you to include your SD...my SS is older, but kids as young as 5 know if they're being excluded or not wanted. Don't set a bad precedent now, causing SD to resent the baby - encourage her excitement and let her meet her new brother or sister. 

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  • image femmegem:

    I posted above, but I'm going to post again. This thread is VERY upsetting to me. Yes, you are being selfish. Unless it was a surprise after you married into this situation, you knew all of this going in. SHE IS A 5 YR OLD CHILD WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED AND INCLUDED AS PART OF HER FAMILY!!! Put yourself or your child in her shoes and figure it out. If you don't figure it out, she will....and sooner than you think. Good grief. I have to stop now.

    Ditto this. Honestly, I feel really sorry for your SD. ETA And ditto getting over the mess thing. You're going to have a new baby. You're just not going to be able to clean like you'd like to. And the germ thing? This is your SD. She's five. She's going to bring germs into the house like any other child would. Your infant will survive.

    I agree!!  

    You need to grow up and treat your SD like your own child.  It sounds like you already treat her like ***. 

    If my DH was to ever tell me that he just wanted it to be me, him and not DS1 (DS1 is not bio his) I would kick him in the nuts so hard he wouldnt ever be able to tell me he wants to exclude DS1 from something so special.  

    I think you need a good kick in the ass!!

    And I have a question why does she live with her Nanny and not her mother or father?!?!?

    What did ya get bro?

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