Stay at Home Moms

update on situation with DH

I posted yesterday about a big issue I've been having with DH. Thank you again to everyone for your support. I wrote DH a letter telling him how I felt. I have tried talking to him and he just gets livid and refuses to talk about it anymore. In the letter, I explained why I felt his Friday nights out were inappropriate even though he was working a lot. I went on to say I felt like even though his words said he wanted to be home with DS and I, his actions said otherwise. I suggested that we go to counseling or take a night out just the two of us to really talk things through. I asked him to consider this because DS is so very worth the work to repair our relationship. When I got home from babysitting yesterday evening, he was being very nice to me and unusually helpful. I asked if he had read the note and if he wanted to talk about it once DS was in bed. I was feeling pretty positive since he seemed to be in good spirits. He turned to me and said, "I'm not even going to comment on your letter. I'm going to get angry and say things that I shouldn't" I told him that wasn't fair and that we really needed to talk. He said he was to angry with me and that he didn't even want to think about it ever again. End.of.story. This was a reaction I was not expecting. He continued to act helpful to me for the rest of the night into this morning. I asked him again to talk to me and he said no. Awesome. I think I'll try another approach and take DS to my mothers for the weekend.

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Re: update on situation with DH

  • I just read your OP.

    I'm angry for you.

    Who gave him the authority to decide that he does not have to respect you enough to discuss something you are obviously very hurt and upset about? That is absolute bullhockey in my opinion. Partners talk about things. They work things out. They don't unilaterally dismiss their partners feelings.

    Personally, I would be going to counseling on my own from this point forward. If he chooses not to go, that's his problem and, honestly, shows me that his priorities are way screwed up.

    I don't even know what to say to help you feel better about this. He definitely need to get his head out of his butt.

    Hugs. This is a tough situation.

     

  • And what's weird is that he's never been the type to NOT want to to talk things out. He's never acted like this before.
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  • That is weird.

    Do you think something else is going on?

  • image turtle*mom:

    That is weird.

    Do you think something else is going on?

    I honestly do not think he's having an affair or anything like that. I think he feels entitled because I'm not working anymore and he's working a lot.

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  • I'm sorry you didn't get the reaction you were expecting out of him.

    I advise you go to counseling, alone at first.  A good therapist has ways of getting the spouse into counseling.  If your husband is totally unwilling to go to counseling after your therapist calls him up personally and asks him to join one of the sessions then you have your answer how dedicated he is to fixing your communication breakdown.

  • I honestly don't even know what to say as I feel I am almost as shocked by his response as I know you were. While I was reading your post about how helpful he was being,I thought for SURE there was going to be a 'happy ending' to the situation. Now I'm just completely dumbfounded. I guess I don't understand why he is so angry by what you wrote? I totally agree with pp that maybe you should go to counceling on your own, and then hopefully one day he'll go with you? I'm so sorry that this is going on. Still thinking of you and your family.
  • I didn't necessarily mean an affair. But something.. early midlife crisis, just something.

    I hope he comes around.

  • image turtle*mom:

    I didn't necessarily mean an affair. But something.. early midlife crisis, just something.

    I hope he comes around.

    That could be a possibility! Thank you :-)

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  • I think you should get a professional opinion on the letter you wrote.  If there is any way it came off as blaming, condescending, or my-way-or-the-highway it could have caused him to shut down.  He might be processing what you wrote, and not ready to talk (or even think about talking) yet.   Perhaps there is truth to what you wrote and he is hurt, and thus angry.  Perhaps he really does not understand how you feel (and can't even fathom it-- I thought SAH was a walk-in-the-park until I became one).  The problem is you can't move forward until he is willing to discuss his feelings with you. 

    It really doesn't sound like an affair or anything like that (I don't think you should start getting paranoid).  It is simply a break down in communication and it happens in all marriages at one point or another-- especially once you are juggling the responsibilities of a family. 

    I would try to focus on a good outcome, still.  Once you work through these issue & truly put everything out there you might find your marriage is stronger in the long run.  Try to stay calm & realize this doesn't have to be worked out today, tomorrow, or the next day. 

     

  • Daisy77Daisy77
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    image turtle*mom:

    I'm angry for you.

    Who gave him the authority to decide that he does not have to respect you enough to discuss something you are obviously very hurt and upset about? That is absolute bullhockey in my opinion. Partners talk about things. They work things out. They don't unilaterally dismiss their partners feelings.

    This.  

    You didn't go off on him or issue ultimatums.  You suggested solutions.

    Not talking about it would not be a option for me.  I think your DH is upset that he is being called on his behavior, as he should be.   By being so helpful now he is hoping you'll be happy with that and the situation will go away.  Frankly,-and this is just me- I'd be checking into this friend thing...I'd get a sitter one Friday night and pop into the party (with a case of beer or snacks so it looks legit).  I'd have to. I can't stand being lied to when there is clearly something going on, especially by my husband.  My ex was like that and that's why he's my ex :)

    If he won't try counseling, I think I you should go on your own.  Mid-life crisis or not, something weird is going on and it's really not fair to you:(

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  • image sparky88:

    I think you should get a professional opinion on the letter you wrote.  If there is any way it came off as blaming, condescending, or my-way-or-the-highway it could have caused him to shut down.  He might be processing what you wrote, and not ready to talk (or even think about talking) yet.   Perhaps there is truth to what you wrote and he is hurt, and thus angry.  Perhaps he really does not understand how you feel (and can't even fathom it-- I thought SAH was a walk-in-the-park until I became one).  The problem is you can't move forward until he is willing to discuss his feelings with you. 

    It really doesn't sound like an affair or anything like that (I don't think you should start getting paranoid).  It is simply a break down in communication and it happens in all marriages at one point or another-- especially once you are juggling the responsibilities of a family. 

    I would try to focus on a good outcome, still.  Once you work through these issue & truly put everything out there you might find your marriage is stronger in the long run.  Try to stay calm & realize this doesn't have to be worked out today, tomorrow, or the next day. 

     

    Thanks, maybe he did take the letter that way and is shutting down.

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  • DochasDochas
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    image wheelsonthebus:
    image turtle*mom:

    That is weird.

    Do you think something else is going on?

    I honestly do not think he's having an affair or anything like that. I think he feels entitled because I'm not working anymore and he's working a lot.

    Please don't forget that you ARE working.  Two jobs besides the baby.

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  • Would it be possible to talk to his friend that he's spending every Friday night with and/or his parents? If your DH won't talk to you about the situation...find someone else who will.

    However, this only works if you're close enough with either the parents or the friend...

    I do agree with the PP that mentioned he's probably just embarrassed on being "called out" on his actions. He did act like he was trying to do better, but like another PP it still doesn't mean the communication issues are still there.

    Is there a way to get him to do just 24 hours with your son alone so he gets the idea that being a SAHM isn't just about sitting on the couch, watching Oprah, and eating Bon Bons?

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  • It sounds like he doesn't handle stress well, my DH is always the meanest and most unreasonable when he is stressed out. Seems like at this point you just need to get some space and hope he realizes he is being a jerk and if things don't change go the counseling route if you can afford it.  And I agree with others maybe something else is going on.
  • I just read the OP but not the responses, so I have no idea what other SAHMs thought about the first post.  Here's what immediately came to my mind.

    Your DH sounds disconnected from your marriage.  He also doesn't appear to care very much about your feelings.  These two things, to me, are major red flags. 

    The Friday nights away from his family as you described them are not normal, IMO.  His complete unwillingness to discuss it raises my suspicions and is the biggest red flag of all.  Your husband sounds controlling, more than a little immature and very self-absorbed.  Because of that I don't think you can rule out an affair.  I'd try to find out what's really holding his interest on those Fridays.

     

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  • I didn't respond to your OP because I was pretty late reading it but just read all these responses and you got some good feedback.  I actually think the popping into a Friday night with some beer and chips is a good idea - get a sitter and make an appearance, just to rule out any funny business.  If nothing else, you'll get a break and have some fun together.  Maybe even stay with his parents that night (could they babysit?), so they know what's going on without you 'tattling' on him.  They may not even know what's going on and might end up giving him a talking-to.  I know mine would, and DH always listens to his parents when my talking to him falls on deaf ears.  So, this is what I would do.

    As far as the counseling, I've been going myself to deal with some of the guilt/unappreciation feelings I've been having. (We also have some resentment going on related to him working/me not.)  She's given me some really good strategies to deal with problems in our relationship.  I've found that they do work, which makes me think that part of the problem was me.  I just didn't know how to communicate to him so that he responds well.  Women and men are just SO different.  I'm not saying that's the case with you, but it's just sooo hard hearing only one side of the story.  (In all honesty, I don't think this is the case, but it's worth a try!)  GL, I hope things get better soon.  In the meantime, keep your chin up and just know you'll get through this - and that you're doing a lot of good, in more ways than one, for your family!

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  • I read your original post and some of the responses.  Have you considered that your DH is "acting out" his resentment or fear as a result of being the sole breadwinner (his perspective--I think you mentioned you watch other kiddos)?  Maybe his behavior is a passive-agressive way of trying to make you feel guilty about a choice you both agreed was right for your family?  Even though we marry them--boys can still be stupid.  Hang in there, and good luck.
  • Okay, I have to go in search of your OP...I have apparently missed a lot being offline. However, on the update front - uhhhh, I feel awful for you.  DH & I are having our own problems and he refuses to deal with it in a similar manner so I know the frustration.  It sounds like your letter was well thought out & I can't understand his response.  I am sorry!  I hope the weekend gives you a break from his behavior, if nothing else!

     

     

     

     

     

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  • Okay, I read your OP.  An occassional night over at a friend's (and I mean really occassional - once every couple or few months) if they were working late and getting back to it early or if he wanted "guy" time, I would get, as long as you got a ladies night out in return! :) Of course.  Every Friday night,  when they are partying, & his family lives nearby?  Not a chance in my book!  He is being selfish and is delusional if he thinks that is "ok" - which I don't think he does based upon his behavior when you brought it up.

    I don't understand why men think staying at home isn't a job - and then add the things you do above and beyond (babysitting & writing) - you are superwoman, really he should be giving you Friday night out. :)  How did you divide things before the baby came and you were working outside the home as far as household responsibilities?  Did he expect you to take care of everything once you got home from work while he had time to "wind down"?

    I think pp have given you could ideas. Keep us posted and know that we are here for you! I am sending good thoughts and a hug your way. 

     

     

     

     

     

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