Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

A husbands perspective

My wife and I used theKnot.com in order to get ready for our wedding 2 years ago. I couldn?t remember the name of the site a few weeks ago when my wife told me she was pregnant. Lo and behold I found it today, 1 day too late. Unfortunately we lost the baby yesterday 03/10/2010. I decided to post on the site as there isn?t much out there for fathers who are going through this. The perception that men gloss over everything that is related to emotion is just a crock. We do feel and we do hurt when something this huge happens. From the beginning of this pregnancy I had a bad feeling about it. For some reason I just couldn?t get exciting. Don?t get me wrong I was happy that we were able to conceive and was stoked that the baby would be born sometime around Halloween, but something just kept nagging at the back of my mind not to count the chicks before they hatch. Unfortunately I was right and after 2 days of light spotting my wife went to the hospital after she told me what was going on. I met here there and the doctor said that based on what she was telling him we should be fine. 4hrs after getting back my wife needed to go to the washroom. It?s a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. I was sitting in the living room when I heard her in the washroom. As soon as I heard her I was up out of my chair and in there to find her on the floor crying. One look at the toilet and I knew immediately what had happened. The doctor was wrong and after having had our doubts set aside by the ER doctor it was crushing for her to have that happen. At the time I think I was in shock as I just sat there consoling her. The full realization for me only came the next day and I must say that it was the hardest day I have had at work that I can remember. Tears did flow, yes men do cry too anyone who says they never or don?t is a liar. The pain for me is not so much about the loss of the baby but more for my wife who feels that it was her fault. She feels that if she had done this or that, that the outcome would be different but unfortunately a miscarriage in the 1st trimester is extremely common and nothing can be done to stop it. No one knows why but most research suggests that it?s due to something related to the fetus not developing properly. It kills me to know that she is hurting and that there is nothing that I can do to make it better. For the men reading this, your wife is feeling everything. The ups the downs and literally feels everything coming out during the miscarriage. For my wife that was the main thing that bothered her. This has also increased her ?it my fault? attitude.  The most important thing I can recommend to all of you reading this is to communicate with each other. Turn off the TV, shut down the cell phone, and get away from any distractions and talk. The only two people with the answers to the many questions you both have are the two of you and trust that you will get through this but the lines of communication must be open.

Re: A husbands perspective

  • I'm so sorry for your loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Thank you so much for posting your perspective.  
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    Always missing our first son Caleb, born at 19w3d on 4.12.10.
  • I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. Thank you for posting from your perspective. Your wife is a lucky woman to have you. Please let her know that this is a wonderful supportive site and she will be welcome here.
  • First, I am so sorry for you loss. Please let your wife know she has all our support here if she decides to join us.  You do as well as there is no where for our husbands to turn to when going through this.  Second, I really appreciate you taking the time, as hard as it may have been, to post this.  I appreciate hearing how our DH's think and handle situations like this. 

    ((big hugs)) to you and your wife and again I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

  • I am so sorry to hear about your loss, especially the way that it happened. Any miscarriage is difficult, but the natural ones at home (in my experience) have been the worst. It's physically and emotionally the hardest thing I've ever been through. My thoughts are with you both.

    And thank you for posting your perspective. We don't hear many by men on this board. I think if my husband remembered this board, he would post something very similar to what you have posted. It actually took our 2nd loss for him to open up to me, but he finally did and all of this thoughts and feelings came out.

    And my husband has cried every single we time we have had a loss (and sometimes in between there).

    After 2 miscarriages and a pre-term birth (34 weeks gestation due to PROM), our healthy baby girl is growing up fast! Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
    3 more miscarriages and finally a correct diagnosis (septate uterus) and a corrective uterine surgery later, our second blessing is here! Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  Many people do forget about the dads.  I am always grateful when people ask not only how I am doing, but also how my husband is doing.  I know he is hurting too, especially since he has a "fix it" attitude as most men do.  You all just want to fix it for us, but it's a process for both of us.  I appreciate you for sharing your perspective. 
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    We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
  • Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry for your loss and am glad your wife has a good support system in you.
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  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for coming here and everyone here will be supportive for both of you! We don't see many husbands and it's nice to have them pop in.

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  • yes, thanks for sharing; it's great to know  you are supporting her and sharing your feelings.  My husband and I were rocks for each other the first few weeks but he has already gone back to his old "normal."  I'm now experiencing a new normal and that's hard for him to accept.  We're working things out.

    Welcome to our board (unfortunately).

    Twin boys born too early at 17w4d and 18w2d in February 2010
    Transabdominal cerclage placed September 2010
    DS born at 35w1d in February 2011
    Twin girls born at exactly 36w in February 2013
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  • I am so unbelievably sorry you find yourself here, but thank you for sharing your point of view. My husband was just as devastated as I was about our miscarriage, and said he felt much the same as you just described. He hurt for us, he hurt for the baby, but mostly he hurt for me because he couldn't take my pain away.

    I hope that the two of you find solace wherever you can and that you get your joy back. It's awful that any of us have to experience this, but it has made my long-term relationship with my husband even stronger. I really hope that none of us ever have to go through this again.

    Again, thank you for posting the "other side".  

    12 long, hard years of TTC-
    Miscarriages, losses, lots of treatments & drugs & IVF

    Natural BFP (WTF?!) - 06/04/11 ~ lots of complication and drama, but sweet baby Adele born 02/07/12!

    BFP #million -another girl for us! EDD - 05-08-15 (but will come early)

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