2nd Trimester

Would love your advice/opinions on my situation

Hi Ladies! I'm somewhat new. I don't post very much but i like to read your opinions and thoughts and i'm curious to know what you think of my different situation. (Well, atleast to me it's different..i don't know anyone else who has a situation like mine) I apoligize for it being long..if you read the whole thing thanks!

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years now and together 5. (yesterday was our five year anniversary!) DH was in the Air Force for about 3 years and now he's out..it was somewhat unexpected for him to get out so early. We were living in Columbia, South Carolina..but due to us not having much money saved and me not working we decided that us coming back home to New Jersey would be better so we could be around our family who offered to help us in anyway they can. Now he was discharged in december and at the end of october we found out we were expecting and then at the end of november we found out we were having identical twins! (biggest shock of our lives!! but we couldn't be happier) So anyway our current living situation is we're living with my FIL. Which hasn't really been as bad as i thought it would be. He works long hours so he's really not around very much. DH just got a job as a lead mechanic at an auto shop which i'm so very thankful for! Things have been fine until the subject of us moving came up.

The place we're renting now is fine until the girls get a little bigger and need their own room and all that. DH and I figured we'd probably need about two years hopefully less to get totally self sufficant and get ourselves back together which i'm fine with but FIL thinks he's staying with us for good and is pressuring us to buy a house and put it in our name because he can't because his credit is pretty much non existant due the house being foreclosed on while DH and I were away and all kinds of others debts that he and MIL have racked up before they got divorced. Now i am so NOT OKAY with that! I DO NOT want my FIL living with us for the rest of his life! No way! He makes 75,000$ a year he is totally capable of being on his own he has no need to live with us! And i don't understand why he thinks we owe that to him? I know he's helping us out right now and i get that but we get WIC and help and contribute what we can and i clean and do what i can when my back isn't bothering me. (Right now i'm 28 weeks along) DH and I are so not ready to BUY a house we're only 21. And what really gets me fired up is that FIL thinks because the VA will help DH and I get a home loan that we're going to do that for him. Now from what i understand the VA will only help you ONE time and we still have to pass a credit check and everything which no way anyone would give us a loan right now. And there's no way we're going to waste our VA help right now only to have FIL go "oh well i don't have my half of this or that" and lose the house that we put into our name! (FIL is not very good with money)

Now, DH agrees with me but it just seems that he doesn't have the balls to tell his Dad the word "NO" which i mean i guess i get it..it's his dad he doesn't want to hurt his feelings and his dad doesn't have anyone. I mean he doesn't have to live with us to be close to us and our girls. And right now the rest of both mine and DH's family have no clue where we live. FIL told us you're not allowed to tell anyone the address which i don't really know why i didn't really ask questions to avoid any confontation. But, my understanding is that he thinks if our families know they'll tell my MIL the address. I really don't understand what he thinks she's going to do with that information?? And i guess he thinks that our families will just pop over or something but we live 30+ minutes away from the rest of our family so i can't see them just popping over unannounced and wasting their time driving all the way over here. So our families are like "sooo are we going to be able to know where you live so we can come and help after the twins get here?" And i said yes i'm sorry but FIL is going to have to get over that because i'm going to want help after the girls get here in the beginning. After DH goes back to work i'll be alone and i'll want some help from someone. (DH is only taking a week off..that's really all we can afford for him to take off) Is that selfish of me or anything?? No one in mine or DH's family really knows what to think of the situation and have never seen a 50 year old man trying to live with his son and family and pressuring him to buy a home and i really don't get it either. The one thing i want is my own space back i miss having our own place..this has been really hard for me after being on our own for 3 years. But my husband seems to be in no hurry to tell his dad how he really feels and it irritates me just a little bit. I don't know..what do you ladies think?? Sorry again for this being so long if you read the whole thing thank you!!


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Re: Would love your advice/opinions on my situation

  • OK DAMN that post was long...so does FIL live in Jersey? HE lives in a house now, and you just rent from him?

    So why does he want to move out of his house, and have you guys buy a house and him live with you? 

    That is crazy and stupid, and not going to happen...that is one of the weirdest ideas I have heard. You guys are newlyweds and starting a family grandpa is not sick(I hope) , and works why does he need to live with you guys? 

    Realize that your DH is in a tough situation and it may be kind of hard to break the news to dear old dad. 

    Good luck with that one

  • Is there a Cliff Notes version?
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  • I can't tell from your story if FIL was doing you a favor or the other way around when you agreed to the living arrangements. In any case, sit down with your husband and FIL, and basically tell FIL now that you're starting your own family, you'll need a little more room. Unfortunately your finances don't allow enough room for both Grandpa and the baby girls.

    Hopefully he'll understand. If not, tough for him. He's a grown man.

     

  • image Ryleigh:
    Is there a Cliff Notes version?

    This. Sorry I had to give up reading. 

  • I would just be honest with him, you aren't being selfish to want your own space.My husband and I lived with his parents for 6 months before we closed on our house,his mother could be very overwhelming but instead of bottling it up I told her and it has made our relationship less stressful because she knows we will tell her the truth..Besides that all I can say is save save save so you can get your own place!
  • yes i know it's long..i'm sorry..

    We all live in the same house. DH and I couldn't afford to be on our own after he got discharged and it just kind of ended up that way which i'm fine with. But it got weird when FIL started thinking that we were all going to be living together forever. We all live in Maryland and the rest of our family lives in New Jersey.

    No there's nothing wrong with FIL (physically, atleast) he works and makes around 75k a year. Why does he want to live with us forever? I have no idea.
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  • That was long!  Wow, New Jersey is cheaper to live than South Carolina? That surprises me.

    I wouldn't let your FIL pressure you into buying a house. Whatever made him think he would be living with you forever?? You said it yourself you are only 21, way young. Don't rush into anything you are not ready for.  Counting on someone else to help with a mortgage is scary in itself. What if you purchased a home counting on him to help with the payment and then he flakes and your not able to make the payments? It won't affect him.....the loan is under your names. I think it is risky.

    I do think if your DH agrees with you he should say something to get the idea out of you FIL's head now!

    You have some time, so hopefully this will settle on it's own.  I wish you lots of luck!

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  • I agree with you. I think your FIL is trying to use your VA loan. 

    Are you guys using Tricare TAMP for health benefits? If not, remember you guys have that option. Also, VA might be able to help you with assistance with raising your children and if you haven't already.. look into WIC. 

    My husband and I just bought a house using a VA loan. It is not as easy as it sounds and yes.. you only get it once. So, like you say.. I wouldn't use it for your FIL. He is just trying to use you because he has bad credit..  

      

     

  • image shellyxo:

    I agree with you. I think your FIL is trying to use your VA loan. 

    Are you guys using Tricare TAMP for health benefits? If not, remember you guys have that option. Also, VA might be able to help you with assistance with raising your children and if you haven't already.. look into WIC. 

    My husband and I just bought a house using a VA loan. It is not as easy as it sounds and yes.. you only get it once. So, like you say.. I wouldn't use it for your FIL. He is just trying to use you because he has bad credit..  

      

     

    This is false. You can apply and recieve a VA loan more than once. You cannot have 2 VA loans simultaneously. Also, you will pay a larger funding fee each time you use it.

     



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  • image sweetcaroline10:
    image shellyxo:

    I agree with you. I think your FIL is trying to use your VA loan. 

    Are you guys using Tricare TAMP for health benefits? If not, remember you guys have that option. Also, VA might be able to help you with assistance with raising your children and if you haven't already.. look into WIC. 

    My husband and I just bought a house using a VA loan. It is not as easy as it sounds and yes.. you only get it once. So, like you say.. I wouldn't use it for your FIL. He is just trying to use you because he has bad credit..  

      

     

    This is false. You can apply and recieve a VA loan more than once. You cannot have 2 VA loans simultaneously. Also, you will pay a larger funding fee each time you use it.

     

    Thanks for pointing this out. PP is right, you could get another VA loan if the loan was paid in full or if another person assumes the VA loan.  

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