The Eco-Friendly Family

This feels terrible to say out loud

Or type on the internet.

Do any of you ever wonder if you married the wrong guy?  

I know.  It sounds terrible, right?  Most of the time, I'm super happy with dh and I know what a great guy he is, etc, etc.  He has no huge faults and works really hard.  All the things that matter.  But I'm a pretty romantic girl and well... there is not a lot of romance right now.  Sometimes he can go a whole day without kissing me or showing me any affection! It seems like most of our conversations are tense.  I cry.  He usually gets upset when I cry.  

So I wonder... is this just the way it is sometimes?  Does everyone go through phases like this?  We're sleep deprived and stressed about work... I make a lot of excuses or explanations about why things are this way.  But a lot of the time, I just feel lonely.  Like I miss my best friend :(

I should mention that my parents divorced when I was 2, so I have no idea what it's supposed to be like...  and we've only been married two years.  Is this just what it's like when you get comfortable with each other?

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Re: This feels terrible to say out loud

  • We had a rough time after D was born, and things were bad between us for a long time. I can't say for certain, but for us the older D gets, the easier it is and the more time and energy we have to devote to each other. We're still nowhere near as happy-go-lucky with each other as we once were, which I think is to be expected since there are now so many more responsibilities in our lives, but we can spend evenings together and maybe even stay up a little late knowing that D will probably sttn.

    And it's easier to find someone to babysit (still not super easy but we get a real date night about twice a year) so we can go out. We've pretty much figured out how to divide the work so it feels fair to both of us, and we've been able to go out separately with our own friends without leaving the other feeling so abandoned. And it's only going to get better from here, I think.

    The romance aspect is hard for us, since DH is not really touchy-feely (outside of the first year of our relationship, lol) and I totally am. In general, I just have to remind him occasionally about what I need and realize that he needs space. It's a compromising dealio. For now, though, if you guys can manage a time to talk about it, and then if you can find time/a babysitter to have a nice date night, that would probably be a good thing :)

  • I only wonder this at 3 am when he wakes me up by snoring in my ear or folding himself up so that his knees are in my butt and his elbows end up in my back or my neck or under my pillow. Or when he's nearly shoving me off of the bed. He's not perfect. He hates shaving and would rather look like a hobo. He burps a lot and stinks up the bathroom. But I'm not perfect either, (especially while pregnant. I'm whiny, just as gassy as he is, I sleep like crap, I'm cranky or weepy...) and he puts up with me. We have our moments, like when I got home from working all day. He was supposed to clean the kitchen, do some laundry and run some dishes. He managed to get dressed, feed himself, kill a bee and he bought a softball and some frisbees. *groan*

    It's just a phase, we all have our rough times.

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  • What I remind myself sometimes is that DH isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  I know he has his ups and downs, just like I do.  When we are up, all is well.  When one of us is down, that's an opportunity for the other to learn how to make a happy spouse.  I'd prefer more romance and he's prefer more help on his truck.  There is a lot of give-and-take in any successful relationship.  It's not always easy, but it shouldn't always be hard either.

    What I gather is that many marriages do not last because people are not willing or don't know how to work through the difficult times.  It's okay to admit that there are difficult times (it's a ton harder to work through it if you don't admit it).  Any major event constitutes a difficult time (wedding, death, kids born, moving, etc).  The butterflies in your stomach and the need to be all over each other all of the time curb a bit when you are changing poopy diapers, are sleep deprived, have to work 40+ hours a week, etc.  That's life.  The hard stuff in life isn't necessarily going to change, but you can change how you view it.

    Back to you, you may have a touch of PPD, it's possible.  Sit down with your DH and tell him that you have been feeling lonely and you need more kisses and hand-holding to help you get through to a happy ending at the end of the day.  But make sure that you check with him and see what he needs too.  I'm betting that you could both use a little positive attention from each other.  Oddly enough, whenever I feel a little neglected or lonely, doing nice things for DH makes me a ton happier.  It's a life-long process, so good luck!

  • I think it's important to remember that marriage is not about romance or hot and steamy feelings.  Those things are nice, but they will never be the center of a marriage or 0% of marriages would make it.  No one person is going to make you happy all the time. 

    You did not marry the wrong person, you are just going through a rough time, like every other marriage does sometimes.  You will make it through!

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  • I think that it is hard learning how to connect again post-baby.  Our lives change SO drastically.  DH and I had a hard time of it after DS#1.  It got really bad there for a while.  We really weren't tuned into what each other needed and both were feeling alone in it all.

    As the years have gone on, we've figured out equal responsibilities so we both feel balanced as far as when it comes to the house and kids.  We are also more aware that we have to make more of an effort to connect.  Date nights are so important, as much as sitting on the couch together snuggling.

    I think it's really hard for at least the first year.  We're still going through adjustments this time around too.  Marriage is never easy I don't think!

    GL and know that you're not alone :-)


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  • I think that what you are feeling is pretty normal.  I've heard the hardest part of a marriage is from when your first child is born until they are 2.  Communication is important though, so talk to him about needing a little bit of romance.  Things have been hard with DH and I, especially since he deployed a month ago, but talking about how we are feeling has helped.  I'm also reading "Babyproofing your Marriage" and that is really helping me to see that DH is much better than a lot of guys are after a baby and that the stuff we get frustrated about is normal.   I hope it gets better!
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  • kinda.  sometimes i feel like if i had waited until i was older i would have married a different type of person, because i've changed a lot in the 5 years we've been married.  i've thought about if i knew then what i know now, and i still probably would have married him, because the incompatibilities/things that bother me still aren't dealbreakers.

    i've had similar experiences with my DH, i feel like our intimacy/romance is gone.  I've told him what he needs to do to help me be more intimate with him, and i've made numerous suggestions, all of which he shrugs off.  i'm not really sure what else to do.  so no, you're not alone.

  • Thank goodness someone else wonders this.  Yes, I feel this way and wonder about it.  We are very much at that point now, although I felt like this before I found out I was pregnant.  There was a short break from that feeling when DS was born - "babymoon" period - but now it is back and strooong.  DH has some real things to work through in my case, and then we have all the things you described, so I just wonder.

    I am a touchy-feely romantic kind of girl who would love s-e-x a-lot!  My DH? Not so much.  I like to talk about lots of things including the deep down important lights up my soul things.  DH gets goofy when I try and then I get mad and cry. 

    My parents finally split when I was 17 and divorced when I was like 21 - they hated each other so much by then that they couldn't even stand to hear the other's name, and it ripped our family in half, literally.  I guess I wonder if we are this "apart" now despite trying hard to connect - are we right for each other or destined to either have a marriage of conveniance or end in divorce down the line.

    Wow, I don't think I have ever put it out there before.  Thanks for being brave enough to ask ... its good to know others think this sometimes too.

     

     

     

     

     

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  • We're going through a rough time the last year as well so ((((hugs)))) I understand. I don't believe that this is what it's supposed to be like once you've been married for awhile but I do believe that every relationship has it's rough patches and that is normal.

    Have you ever heard of the book The Love Dare? I don't know if you're at all religious because it does have a lot of Christian overtones to it. I'm not hugely religious but I'm ok with that. We started it together awhile back and life got the best of us and we stopped but it was helping our relationship a ton while we were doing it. I think I'm going to suggest that we start again soon because we really need to do something around here. 

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  • I don't wonder that, but I do know how you feel.

    Relationships have their moments in my experience.  There is no doubt that he's the one, but right now is a trying time and I too need 'romance'.  A simple "I love you" note will seriously get me through the worst of days.  He use to leave them all of the time (seriously, 'I love you' on a post it was all it took!).  I Loved having my coffee cup sitting out w/ a spoon in it ready to go when I woke up.

    Because of his little gestures, I was thrilled to get the house picked up, run all of our errands and do whatever needed done.  It made me feel good to know that I was appreciated.

    Holy off on another train track... sorry....

    The point is, I miss my best friend too :(  A lot.  I think it's just the timing right now.  I don't doubt for a moment how much he loves me, I just wish that he weren't so stressed so that he might show it a little more.

    I wish I had some advice.  I'd love to use it on myself! LOL  I do know that it gets better and sometimes we need to work through things.  It is a phase :)  Consider them growing pains.

    (((hugs)))

    Sorry again for my runaway post...

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  • I think one thing to keep in mind is that maybe love shows up in different ways in this stressful time.  My wife and I don't have the same sort of romantic life now that we did earlier, but I try to show her my love by showing that I care for her and our soon-to-be little one.  Everything from our clean house to her feet up and vitamins every night is proof of that.  It just changes.  Look for how he has changed to support you.  
  • I'm sorry you're struggling. I think that what you're feeling and wondering is very common, but that doesn't make it any easier on you. I love the advice and stories that others have shared, and I think that for me, the things that made the difference were remembering that love is a choice, not a warm fuzzy, and that if I don't tell him what's going on, he won't know and can't work to make it better (and I'm a crier too, doesn't matter if I'm angry or sad, I just cry! and MH hates it and is uncomfortable with it too, so I'm familiar with how hard that can be!)

     

    If The Marriage Dare doesn't work for you/sound like your style, I'd highly recommend seeing if you two can read The Five Love Languages together. It can be horribly cheesy at moments, but overall we found it really, really helpful.

    (((hugs)))

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  • Thanks you so much for the encouraging words.  I was rocking the baby last night w/ tears streaming down my face before I posted. 

    I appreciate the advice so much and I'm glad I'm not the only one to wonder such terrible things.  It has been a huge change for us in the last 6 months since Quinn was born and even before that, with the pregnancy.  DH has never had so much pressure and responsibility (I was a single mom to my 12 year old daughter, so it's not new to me - but it is much more difficult to have to take care of a marriage and be a new parent).

    It is really helpful for me to have you ladies.  I would never have that conversation w/ any of my real life friends :/

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  • Lack of communication is a great source of unhappiness in marriage.

    I say instead of expecting him to show affection or kiss you every day, tell him that you crave more affection from him. I *know* you think - "but I don't want to have to tell him that. he should know! he should want to!"

    Except everyone's different. Have you ever read that book The Five Love Languages? You both should. It's really easy and helpful. Maybe he expressed his love in different ways, but cooking for you or spending quality time instead of acts of affection.

    But since you crave the affection, you need to tell him that. And then hopefully he''ll make the effort and enjoy it just as much as you do!

    So what you're saying is totally normal I feel, but you should still address it with him and tell him you want to reconnect.

  • I wonder the same thing sometimes. But like others said, love is a choice, and I choose to keep loving my husband through thick and thin. We'd been having a horrible time lately (some pregnancy hormones and some added financial pressure on him i think). Strangely enough, our loss this week seems to be helping us turn a corner and talk a little more and reaffirm what we want with our lives/family. But we need to keep things from getting that bad again by taking time to be alone together, and to do little things for each other. I need to tell him that i need a hug and a compliment sometimes, and he needs me to thank him for all the sacrifices he makes and hard work he does for our family, and to take time to show him physical affection even when i'm tired or distracted.  It's a big balancing act being a parent and a spouse.
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    baby Mae

  • You are not alone at all.  After we had DS, we were really struggling.   DS was colicky and we were having some financial issues.  DH had a commute of over an hour each way and we just weren't communicating.  I felt like we had different parenting techniques.  DH wanted to let DS cry it out and I disagreed.  We were under some serious stress.  At the time, I thought there was no way I could ever stay married to DH forever.  I don't think DH ever knew how bad it was for me.  I started feeling resentful of him.  It was our lowest time as a couple.  It made me feel even worse that I thought this was supposed to be the best time of our lives with a new baby. 

    For us, it was just a matter of starting to communicate again.  We decided that our marriage was more important than all the little things.   It took time but eventually we found the closeness again.  We still have occasional communication issues but we're always able to work it out and feel connected again.  It's been a rough road but it brought us to where we are now and I believe we're closer and stronger than we ever were. 

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