1st Trimester

Prenup

Help! I'm 25 and have been dating my boyfriend (baby daddy!) 8 months. We're considering getting married for the sole purpose of me getting on his insurance (mine is horrible). We initially wanted to have a traditional wedding after the baby was born so were planning on treating this marriage-for-insurance almost like a secret: no rings, no ceremony, no reception and I wouldn't change my name. The problem is that his family wants us to do a prenup. My family is traditional catholic. They're upset about the baby and just as upset that I'd get married at a courthouse - I can't imagine their reaction to us getting a prenup. I don't want to rush into marriage but feel that if this courthouse wedding is serious enough for a prenup then it should be serious enough not to be a secret. I also dislike the idea of a prenup. I understand it's smart and logical, but resent that he/they want one. Feedback?
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Re: Prenup

  • Sounds like you need to communicate with him... have you talked to him about your feelings about rushing or getting a prenup??

  • First off, your BFs insurance may treat your pregnancy as a pre-existing condition and not offer coverage. 

    So, I would figure that one out before rushing in to marriage.

    I have no problems with prenups so I can't offer any advice on that.

     

  • Girl, that is the WRONG reason to get married.  What if things don't work out with you two?  It's going to be a TON worse with a child in the middle of a divorce.
  • It is a protection for you as much as him.  My husband and I got one before we got married.  Ours was easy, we pretty much just stated our assets before we mixed everything.  I wasn't thrilled with it at first, but in the end I'm glad we have it.  I think of it as a line in the sand, if anything should ever happen, I know that my retirement accounts (which I contributed heavily to before we got married), will stay with me.

     Its a good idea to have one, especially when it comes to retirement accounts, savings, any gifts (present or future, such as inheritance), etc.

     

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  • There are so many things wrong with this situation:

    1. You're an adult - is "baby daddy" really an appropriate way to define the father of your child.

    2. Getting married solely/partially for insurance (i.e. monetary) reasons is ignorant.

    3. Getting married because you are PG is ignorant and generally leads to worse situations for both parents and child.

    4. I can see why his family wants a prenup.

    5. I agree with PP's that most insurance carriers would consider your PG a preexisting condition anyway.

    6. Having a "secret" wedding now so you can still have your "pretty princess" day later when you are skinny seems fairly childish.

    Overall I have no advice just side-eye for this entire situation. 

  • Well sweetie, it doesn't sound like there are many secrets left.  I feel your concerns, it's always hard when you want to save "family" any hurt feelings, and want to save yourself any drama, but you are about to be a mother.  There's not getting around it now.  You're about to be pushed directly into adulthood, and that means making decisions in the best interest of you and your child.  Everyone should understand that, "should" being the opperative word.  However, what decision would that be is now the question...  I encourage you to seek counsel from a close, mature friend, if you can.  Pray about it even, you'd be surprised the answers that come to you.  First and foremost, please don't make a longterm decision that could harm you emotionally, just for short-term financial "peace".  This decision is between you, and the father, not the family.  It's hard to do, and even harder when you're in a situation where you want to lean on family, but setting healthy family boundaries now will make it easier after your baby is here.  This is a good opportunity for you and the father to learn how to communicate as well.  If you choose marriage, you'll need that.  Without it, the realationship will be void of the most important factor.  Good luck.  You're in my prayers.
  • Could you not get covered on his insurance as a domestic partner??
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  • Check to see if your SO's insurance has a LDA (legally domiciled adult) clause. A lot of company's are adding this into their insurance to cover SO, same sex partners, etc. The company I work for offers it. It offers the same coverage as if you were married. Don't know if it would cover the pregnancy as a pre-existing or not.

    Something to think about.

  • Honestly if the only reason you are getting married is for insurance, you're getting married for the wrong reason!! Think this through very carefully and dont jump into it!!

    I think that you both have a lot of talking to do before you go any farther. 


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  • YOu are twenty five years of age. Kindly strive for sophistication: the term is "father of my child", NOT "baby daddy." Duh.

    HIS family wants the prenup?

    Why doesn't your BF/SO want the prenup?

    You have not mentioned that your BF/SO wants the prenup so I am guessing that THEY want it and not him. Bad news right there.

    FAIL number one: his parents are running the show and evidently he's not man enough to step up to the plate and tell them to butt the eff out...and that he will take it from here.

    A prenup is necessary if: you and/or he has considerable assets, you and or he own your own business or you and or he each own a home. A prenup protects BOTH parties, not just the person who has requested it.

    What you need to do: say goodbye to this guy if he is letting his parents run the show. In that case, he sure is a BABY, not a baby daddy -- and in that case, you need to DTMFA. GL.

     

  • image angels_walk:

    There are so many things wrong with this situation:

    1. You're an adult - is "baby daddy" really an appropriate way to define the father of your child.

    2. Getting married solely/partially for insurance (i.e. monetary) reasons is ignorant.

    3. Getting married because you are PG is ignorant and generally leads to worse situations for both parents and child.

    4. I can see why his family wants a prenup.

    5. I agree with PP's that most insurance carriers would consider your PG a preexisting condition anyway.

    6. Having a "secret" wedding now so you can still have your "pretty princess" day later when you are skinny seems fairly childish. 

    Overall I have no advice just side-eye for this entire situation. 

    Wow.  Having a bad day and feel like taking it out on someone else? 

    What do you mean you can see why his family wants a pre-nup?  Because you know his family and her?? 

    And when did she ever say anything about having a secret wedding so she could have a "pretty princess" day when she is skinny.  If anyone is ignorant, it is you.  Jump down of your high, judgmental horse.

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  • image Ryleigh:
    image angels_walk:

    There are so many things wrong with this situation:

    1. You're an - is "baby daddy" really an appropriate way to define the father of your child.

    2. Getting married solely/partially for insurance (i.e. monetary) reasons is ignorant.

    3. Getting married because you are PG is ignorant and generally leads to worse situations for both parents and child.

    4. I can see why his family wants a prenup.

    5. I agree with PP's that most insurance carriers would consider your PG a preexisting condition anyway.

    6. Having a "secret" wedding now so you can still have your "pretty princess" day later when you are skinny seems fairly childish. 

    Overall I have no advice just side-eye for this entire situation. 

    Wow.  Having a bad day and feel like taking it out on someone else? 

    What do you mean you can see why his family wants a pre-nup?  Because you know his family and her?? 

    And when did she ever say anything about having a secret wedding so she could have a "pretty princess" day when she is skinny.  If anyone is ignorant, it is you.  Jump down of your high, judgmental horse.

     This.  Not cool picking on someone for asking for help. 

    Does the state offer insurance for you while you're pregnant?  I know CT does... maybe you can look into that rather than rushing...

  • Getting married just for the insurance is a terrible idea.  Although, I do disagree with the pp who said you may not be covered.  As long as you have coverage now, you should be able to switch when you get married as it's a change in status and have your pregnancy covered.  It's usually when there is a gap in coverage that the new insurance doesn't cover the "pre-existing" condition.

    Just a couple thoughts.  Why does his family get to decide that there should be a pre-nup?  And why is it your family's business if you sign on?  You are an adult about to have  a a child.  Your and your boyfriend need to have  a grown up conversation about WHY you are getting married, why there is talk of a pre-nup, if you both find on necessary and that your respectively families DO NOT have a say in what happens in your relationship.

  • I don't understand what you said about the prenup thing.

    First you said that his parents want you to get one; then you said, "They're upset about the baby and just as upset that I'd get married at a courthouse - I can't imagine their reaction to us getting a prenup."

    Do they want y'all to get one or not? Not that it matters.... who the heck are they to decide if you two get a prenup.... unless he has considerable assets - like a trust fund set up by them or something - it's not their business.

    In my opinion, there is no reason for the two of you to get married. I am also unmarried. My hunny and I have made a joint decision to keep our relationship separate from our parental responsibilities. We know we can be great parents together with or without marriage. We will reserve marriage for whenever we are both in a place, together and separately, that warrants marriage. I'd suggest you look at your pregnancy and your 8 month relationship in a similar fashion.

    An FYI for your hypothetical insurance change, Federal Law prohibits insurance companies from classifying pregnancy as a pre-existing condition. Although there are numerous loopholes, if you're going from one group policy to another, you will be covered (though you may have a possible hold before benefits kick in). I went through the same thing when I switched from my mom's insurance to my job's (which I had to do because I'd have been kicked off two days after my due date and wouldn't have been able to get insured until open enrollment in Feb 2011).

  • image mommy_dani:

    I don't understand what you said about the prenup thing.

    First you said that his parents want you to get one; then you said, "They're upset about the baby and just as upset that I'd get married at a courthouse - I can't imagine their reaction to us getting a prenup."

    HIS family wants the prenup; HER family is upset. 

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  • Does your SO want a prenup, or just his family? If it is just his family and neither of you want one, then don't get one. Pretty simple. Dh's family wanted him to get one, he just nodded and smiled and we went on our merry way. No prenup for us, because we didn't feel our situation warranted one.

    As far as the marriage thing is concerned...back away from the crazy juice. Do not get married to get on his insurance. Do not get married to please your parents. Either get married now because that is what you want, or wait because that is what you want. A secret insurance wedding is a recipe for disaster.

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  • image mommy_dani:

    I don't understand what you said about the prenup thing.

    First you said that his parents want you to get one; then you said, "They're upset about the baby and just as upset that I'd get married at a courthouse - I can't imagine their reaction to us getting a prenup."

    Do they want y'all to get one or not? Not that it matters.... who the heck are they to decide if you two get a prenup.... unless he has considerable assets - like a trust fund set up by them or something - it's not their business.

    His family wants the prenup; her family is upset about the unplanned pregnancy and the JOP wedding and potentially upset about the prenup.

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  • If you were a friend here's the advice I would give you. Do not marry someone for insurance and don't marry someone you're not 100% sure you want to spend the rest of your life with. Get your own ducks in a row...look into state insurance, save up money...take care of yourself and this baby. I hope your SO sticks around, is a good Father and helps support you...but there is no guarantee.
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  • Oh I see. I totally skipped over her transition from his parentals to hers.

     

  • image ilovetolaugh:

    Honestly if the only reason you are getting married is for insurance, you're getting married for the wrong reason!! Think this through very carefully and dont jump into it!!

    I think that you both have a lot of talking to do before you go any farther. 

    THIS. Nobody here on this board, nor anybody in your personal life, are really going to be able to influence you or encourage you in the way you truly need it...your situation, with secrets and a baby and a marriage for insurance, is in my opinion, one that needs counsel. Many healthy couples these days, me and my DH included, seek premarital counseling and it is a great way to set down a foundation for the future. Although family is important, they cannot set the foundation for you because when push comes to shove, it's up to you and your man to fix the cracks. I highly recommend seeking counseling together and apart before you make any decisions. But that's just my opinion.

  • I wouldn't be as worried about the prenup or insurance as bringing a child into a rushed marriage with disapproving grandparents. I think the priorities need to be rearranged here. That's my brutally honest opinion.

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  • image angels_walk:

    There are so many things wrong with this situation:

    1. You're an adult - is "baby daddy" really an appropriate way to define the father of your child.

    2. Getting married solely/partially for insurance (i.e. monetary) reasons is ignorant.

    3. Getting married because you are PG is ignorant and generally leads to worse situations for both parents and child.

    4. I can see why his family wants a prenup.

    5. I agree with PP's that most insurance carriers would consider your PG a preexisting condition anyway.

    6. Having a "secret" wedding now so you can still have your "pretty princess" day later when you are skinny seems fairly childish.

    Overall I have no advice just side-eye for this entire situation. 

     

    This. 

    You're an adult but your post makes you sound a little like a child wanting to have your cake and eat it too, sorry to say.


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  • DH and I are both very Catholic and have a prenup.

    Its not completely against Catholicism as long as its not expressly for divorce.

     

    Don't take it personally. Its just a piece of paper. Getting offended is somwhat pointless.

  • If he has any assets worth anything I think it's a good idea in this type of situation. 
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  • Don't get married for insurance, there are plenty of other options out there to pay for the birth. Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances. Don't contractually obligate yourself to a man because of something like this. Wait until after the baby is born to get married.

    Also, if your SO is very wealthy (which I'm just assuming because of the prenup) then let him pay for the pregnancy out of pocket. It will probably be cheaper than a divorce.

  • Do not get married for insurance.

    Divorce is pricey. And nasty.

  • I don't know you and I am not judging. I can imagine what it is like to need insurance and have what seems like a solution. 

    Please be careful. This entire plan is full of deceit ( you were going to keep it a secret) and that is never a good way to begin any commitment. 

    Also I am not crazy about the idea that "his family" is requesting a prenup.  The marriage is between you and he, and you two should start making decisions regarding your futures. If there is one, make sure that you are adequately protected as well. 

    If you were my closest friend, I would tell you to forget the insurance and RUN away from this "relationship". I am not sure it is in your best interests.

    Good-luck.

  • I agree with PP's.  Not judging here, but from the looks of it, if his family is insisting on a prenup, there's more than what meets the eye, and they are most likely afraid that this is all planned for insurance and money - if there's anything there.  Yes, accidents happen...I'm proof.  But I'm not marrying my SO at this point because we haven't been together more than a year, and we don't want to marry for a baby.  My insurance coverage is crappy too - deductible of $3,000.00.  We decided we will split the costs evenly for the time being.  We know we love each other, and we don't need those vows and rings to prove it.  Yes, it would be nice if we were married prior to conception, but it's not the way it worked.

    My advice to you would be to talk to your boyfriend, and see where he stands.  Mention that marriage is just an option - not a necessity.  If it were, then his parents may be right in requesting a prenup.

    And don't sneak.  Bad way to start...it will also end very badly, and blow up in your face.

    And I agree that if you really wanted to marry this guy, you would so in the same way you would want to do it if you weren't KU. 

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  • Total drive-by post.  OP - It would be nice to post a response as many took the time to answer your question.  Judging from your other posts on here, this isn't the first time?
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  • FYI- once the baby is born he/she can be added to either on your insurance plans regarless of marriage as long as both names are on the birth certificate.  If your ins plan is really that crappy, maybe a good alternative is putting baby on his plan, and keeping you on yours.
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