Infertility

Give me the courage to tell my parents!

My parents don't even know we're trying, let alone about our IF. I feel like I NEED to tell them. I need the weight off my shoulders and it would avoid some awkward conversations in the future. Tonight my mom called me to tell me she was shopping for a baby shower gift and saw all these adorable "Small Paul" baby clothes for girls (I LOVE paul frank) and how she "wished she had a reason to buy them" ETC. She has NO IDEA she's being hurtful. They live far away and I'm not sure when we'll see them next, and I have no idea how to start the conversation over the phone. DH just wants to email his family, he feels like it would be easier and would give them time to react. We know both of our families will be kind and supportive, it's just awkward. Suggestions? Inspiration? Help!

Re: Give me the courage to tell my parents!

  • I am very close to my mom and I still felt a little awkward. I just sat down with her and blurted it out. I told her how long we'd been trying and about our diagnosis etc.. I had her tell my Dad though, I thought it'd be way to weird to tell my Dad about my husband sperm issue :) Even though it might be a little weird at first it's great to have the support of your parents, and they won't accidentally hurt your feelings anymore . GL

  • I just blurted it out to my mom one day.  My dh and I had been trying for about 6 months at that point.  I felt better after telling her.  We are now at month 25 and I think I would be crazy without my parents' support.  I think it is a hard thing to admit that you/we are reproductively challeneged, but I find people are pretty supportive once you open up.

    I hope things go well.  Good luck <3

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  • Funny you should post this...I just went through this last week...I felt like we needed to tell my parents and I truly agonized over it. they had no clue we were trying let alone IF...so we dropped the bomb on them this past weekend over dinner. I will say the reaction was much better then I thought...i was SOOOOOO nervous. They were so happy that we are trying that the IF part was in their mind a minor glitch...(if only it was minor). Anyway, I feel so much better having told them, and I think you will too...plus then you can share all the ups and downs with them...the more support the better I say!

    Good luck! 

    TTC since Sept 2008
    2 Failed IUI's,
    1 Failed IVF,
    FET#1-BFP!
    ET 1/26, Beta#1 2/4=248, Beta #2 2/7=656, 2/17 1st u/s- 1 perfect baby!
    2nd u/s -we have a heartbeat! 146bpm
    It's a BOY!!!
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  • It was very easy for me to tell my Mom about my PCOS but I never mentioned we were TTC, no one in the family knew. I didn't tell my Mom until we found out about H's zero SA. I only told her then b/c I was crying hysterically and needed my Mom. She's taken it well but still makes really stupid comments. H told my ILs and they just ignore it, which drives me batty.

    Good luck, you can do this and you will feel better afterward. It's like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

    TTC since April 2008

    Me: PCOS/Amenorrhea DH: Azoospermia due to Y Chromosome Micro Deletion IVF w/ ICSI on hold until further notice

    Hope

  • Even before DH's accident and IVF being postponed indefinitely, I did not tell my mother about our IF struggles, so I have no first hand experience.  You don't have to give her details about diagnosis, treatment options, etc just how painful it is for you.  You can always add more information, but once it's expressed cannot be taken away.

    Good luck and hope your family is supportive and empathic. 

    TTC since 3-08
    Diagnosed with severe MFI 2-09 and Y Chromosome Microdeletion. IVF #1, Nov-Dec '11. ER Dec 3, 5dt, Dec 8. Beta #1, 218, Beta #2, 599. EDD 8/25/12

    image

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  • I told my parents right away but not my in-laws, and I agonized over how they would respond (they're not nearly as warm as my parents, and they're very formal).  I was astonished by how supportive and warm they were when we did tell them, and we just told them straight out, sat them down and let them know.  They were incredibly gracious.  I wonder if you just tell them, it might feel a lot easier, give them a chance to ask you questions and at the same time, allow you not to be hurt accidentally by unknowingly careless comments in the future.
  • You can do it!  I just told my mom last week when I was taking vicodin after my lap.  It all just came out, TTC and IF both.  She was more than supportive and I feel a TON better!  I think all mom's make the grandkids comments and I am sure they will stop after you let her know what you are going through!  Good Luck! 
    TTC since 6/08 SA and HSG normal Lap 1/10-Diagnosed with Stage 4 Endo Lupron Depot for 3 months Acupuncture and Chinese herbs since 1/10 IUI #1- C/P IUI #2- BFN Lap/Hysteroscopy 4/11-Stage 3 endo and polyp removed IVF scheduled for July 2011
  • Good luck to you! I think it would be good to get the weight off your shoulders to let them know.  They may not understand if they have never dealt with this before, or you may find out that your parents had difficulty and can relate in a different way. 

    One thing that I have found helpful is to subtlely tell the people I share this information with what I need from them. For example, I will tell people that I know that it is really hard to relate, but that it is helpful for them to try to listen to what I'm saying and to feel free to ask me questions because it helps me personally to talk about it. This is also a nice and indirect way of telling people that telling me to "relax" is not welcome advice.  I have found that people end up being fascinated with the science of it and like to ask me questions, and for me personally, being asked questions helps me process the information myself. 

    Good luck!

    Married July 2005 :: TTC #1 since April 2009 :: Dx: Severe MFI

    IVF #1 (January 2010) and IVF #2 (May 2010): BFN; IVF #3 (August 2010): BFP!

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  • We've been very open with our families, and I can tell you for us it has made it a lot easier.  They ask us about how things are going, but it eliminates the pg pressure and questions that come up naturally when married.  I'm not sure how we first brought it up, so I don't have any secrets on that.  There are some resources on the Resolve website, if you think that might help in your case.  GL!

    http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_home 

    TTK 9/06 / TTC 10/08 / Twins 12/11 / Life Blog
    5 REs + 3 surgical hysteroscopies for septum/lap + 3 failed IUIs
    IVF w/ICSI/AH & acu = BFP!, unexplained spontaneous m/c @ 8w2d (our little girl),
    FET w/acu = BFP!, B/G twins!, lost MP @19w, dx w/funneling cervix @20w,
    twins nearly lost to IC @21w, saved by rescue cerclage, 17P & 16w of bedrest
    Our twins born @36w4d via CS when A came foot first

    Thankful for every day

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • Oh... and another thing... Another thing I found helpful is to tell them stories of things I've heard here on the Bump in terms of what not to do.  That sounds wrong... let me explain.  For example, if someone posts a story about an insensitive thing that someone has done to one of us that I empathize with, I might vaguely mention what happened to someone that I have shared my IF struggles with as a non-confrontational way of forewarning them of what not to do to help make them more sensitive to IF.
    Married July 2005 :: TTC #1 since April 2009 :: Dx: Severe MFI

    IVF #1 (January 2010) and IVF #2 (May 2010): BFN; IVF #3 (August 2010): BFP!

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  • You girls are WONDERFUL - thank you! All of your advice is so helpful, and I plan to get this off my chest asap! Thanks again! :)
  • I just wanted to say that im glad you posted this, its given me a lot of advice. Dh and I really, really want to tell our parents but are struggling as well as to how to bring it up. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully both of us get up the courage soon to tell our parents!
  • I think you should tell them, it can get really tiring hearing people say, " so when are yall going to start trying." If I hear that one more time I will shoot someone. Oh and my favorite is if you say you dont feel well everyone assumes your pregnant. I just want to say,"No, Im not but thanks for bringing it up." Just a little venting. When I told my mom she automatically assumed it was a sperm issue......no mom I dont ovulate, its not him. Moms lol.
  • someone on here had a great list of "guidelines" for parents once you tell them on how to act.  I wish I had that when I told my parents.  They mean well, but if they have not gone through what you are going through before it can be hard for them to know what you need.  If you post asking for it, whoever that gal was, I am sure she would share it.  Good luck!

     

    Dx with PCOS and IR June 2009
    After two losses, third time was a charm.
    pm me for blog link
  • DH and I told a week ago. It was hard, but the right thing to do to clue them into what is going on with us. We told, then gave a few min. for uncensored questions, then we handed out sheets with guidelines for how to support us that set some clear boundaries. Here it is:

    How to Support Us

     

    ?         Please resist the urge to share secondhand advice; anecdotes; articles; books; websites; resources; theories; inspirational emails about infertility, miracle pregnancies, etc. We understand and appreciate that sharing these things come out of love and a desire to be helpful, but we respectfully ask you to refrain. This is not a new journey for us. We have done an immense amount of reading, researching, and philosophizing. Rest assured that we have a team of infertility experts who will guide us to any new information/inspiration that we may seek.

    ?         We do welcome judicious sharing of your firsthand experiences, but share with the expectation that our feelings, solutions, timelines, coping mechanisms, etc. may be very different than yours.

    ?         The best support you can provide is to extend us extra amounts of grace and be a ?safe place? where we can initiate as much or as little discussion as we would like.  Ask general, open-ended overall-life questions like, ?How are you?? and let us fill in the details as much or as little as we?d like. Know in advance that we do not anticipate the desire to share cycle details, treatment blow-by-blows, etc.

    ?         Pray for us. Specifically for

    ?          oneness in our marriage as we make decisions and process emotions

    ?          patience

    ?          comfort regarding the loss of our first pregnancy

    ?         ?I?m sorry you are going through this,? is really the best, most compassionate thing to say. It may seem woefully small or simple, but it goes further than any piece of advice possibly could.

    ?         Do not share our journey with others without our prior consent. This means family, friends, coworkers, people at church, hairdressers, store clerks, the person that you think that it is okay to tell because it will never get back to us, etc. This is our information to share with who we want to, when we are ready to. That said, we understand that processing this may be emotional and it may be helpful for you to share with someone since we cannot be that support structure. Should you feel the need to share with someone for this reason, talk to us ahead of time. Thank you in advance for honoring our trust in you.

    ?         Don?t put us on ?bump watch? and analyze every behavior. Trust us, when we have news we are ready to share?we?ll share it!

    ?         The day that our struggle with infertility prevents us from sharing joys and sorrows in the lives of those we love is the day when this has consumed us to the point that we are no longer the people we want to be. Please continue to share the things that are going on in your life?good and bad?and allow us to both celebrate and cry with you. 

     

    ?         This website provides information that may be helpful to you: http://www.resolve.org

    ?         Click on Coping With Infertility in the upper left orange box

    ?         Click on Just for Family and Friends in the upper left orange box

    ?         Many of the bold titles in body of the page lead to articles. Topics include: Family Systems/ Helping to Cope, Do?s and Dont?s of Support, Infertility Myths & Facts, Infertility Etiquette

     

  • Kendrick - you're a mind reader, I read that the first time you posted it and I was looking for it tonight! THANK YOU!!!
  • P.S. I guess I should tell you the results of telling. We had to tell 3 times. Before each time I would start to shake and cold sweat, as we have some tricky family dynamics. But, each time we were humbled by the graciousness that our parents showed. We have talked to or seen all of them since, and they are all respcting the boundaries.
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