Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

*~Thursday Confessions~*

I am so sorry to be so lax on the confession posts, ladies. As you all sure know to well...with the holidays I have been very very busy...

 My confession: Not watching live TV for fear the dreaded Kay commercial will come on and I'll cry ugly tears of sadness. (I am sure you know the one, I don't want to describe it and upset someone) So I TIVO everything I want to watch so I can skip it.

What's yours? Remember, this is a confession post. Do not judge others about their confessions. If you wish to comment, that is fine, but please do not make it harder on the poster than it is already for feeling that way. Thanks ladies...and...GO!  

image Hi there, I'm Susan. image

TTC Since 2008. 4 losses: 12w5d, 6w6d, 6w3d, 5w3d

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder, PCOS, and Adult ADD. Feel free to PM me about it.


"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to" Gandalf the Grey, Lord of the Rings

Vincent Julian born on March 27th, 2013 DX with Down Syndrome


baby

imageimageimage


PAL/PGAL Welcome

Re: *~Thursday Confessions~*

  • I'm really starting to be more than just disappointed at my bff. All I want is a text from her asking how I'm doing. I know she's super excited about her wedding, but it's not until July, and all I need is to know that she does care about what happened to me. Im her MOH and I no longer have much of a desire to participate, at least not right now, and probably not until we sit down and have a long talk about how I feel.
    Andrea 7/9/08, Joaquin 4/18/11, boy coming 12/18/13 Forever missed: Gabriel 11/24/09 at 20 weeks
  • Here's mine (deep breath): 

    Let me preface by saying that, intellectually, I know I'm wrong about this.  When I'm at my worst, though, I can't help but feel like I'm inadequate for not being able to carry this pregnancy.  I doubt myself as a woman.  I doubt my body.  I feel like no one gets it and everyone blames me for what happened.  I feel incredible guilt for not knowing for three weeks that my baby was no longer alive inside of me. 

    Most times I know none of that is true.  Every now and then, though, I go to a bad place and that Tori Amos lyric runs through my mind - "She's convinced she could hold back a mountain.  But she couldn't keep baby alive.  Doubting that there's a woman in there somewhere..."

    Ugh.  End rant. 

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • I'm afraid to go back to work on Monday.  And I'm afraid of getting stuck in the same rut I was in before LO came, and not having the strength, resolve and willpower to change.
  • I obsessively read/check this board for new posts in a feeble attempt to feel connected, but not have to see anyone, be hugged, or told "it will be alright".  It's not alright, dammit - I had one job for 9 mos and I failed.  I know its not true, but that's how I feel sometimes, and I don't dare say it out loud. 

  • image hking76:

    I obsessively read/check this board for new posts in a feeble attempt to feel connected, but not have to see anyone, be hugged, or told "it will be alright".  It's not alright, dammit - I had one job for 9 mos and I failed.  I know its not true, but that's how I feel sometimes, and I don't dare say it out loud. 

    Me, too. I feel like this was the most important job I'll ever have and, just as I was learning the ropes, I was given a bit fat pink slip with no explanation. 

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • I am angry at everyone, everything, just angry.  I put on a happy face and try to be sociable, but when no one is around I want to just curl up and cry.  I hate that this happened to us again.  There are many questions and no answers. 

    I hate myself for being so angry. I know things could be much worse and it's no one's fault that these things happen.  I tell myself this multiple times a day. But I can't help it.  I don't want to be around pregnant women (even my friends who are pregnant) or children. It's a constant reminder of what I don't have. 

    I'm angry that it's Christmas time and we were going to tell our families we were expecting. But that was taken away.

    I feel so alone and that no one understands.  I feel like the "white elephant in the room".  No one knows what to say, so they don't say anything. Who knows? Maybe it's better that way.

    Sorry this is so long and I'm rambling. I've never replied to a confessions post before. I feel it's the only place where I could let that out. 

    Thanks for letting me vent!
  • image michrocc:
    image hking76:

    I obsessively read/check this board for new posts in a feeble attempt to feel connected, but not have to see anyone, be hugged, or told "it will be alright".  It's not alright, dammit - I had one job for 9 mos and I failed.  I know its not true, but that's how I feel sometimes, and I don't dare say it out loud. 

    Me, too. I feel like this was the most important job I'll ever have and, just as I was learning the ropes, I was given a bit fat pink slip with no explanation. 

     

    I found your Joni Mitchell quote particularly poignant...  I'm going to have to go download that for one of those low moments.

  • I'm angry at my sister and mad and bitter that's she's pregnant.  I was so happy for her when she found out that she was expecting her first in June.  DH and I weren't TTC at that point, but where thinking about it, and I was nothing but happy for her.  I was so excited that my DS would get a new little cousin to play with.

    Fast forward to November.  I found out I was pregnant, and she didn't tell me congratulations.....AT ALL.  All she said was "hmm" and "really"  I confronted her and asked why she didn't say congratulations.  I thought she might be mad or think that I was stealing her thunder.  She said she wasn't mad, but they knew we were TTC.  I don't understand why knowing we were TTC means congratulations aren't in order??  Then when we lost our baby, she didn't say she was sorry either....and I'm so hurt.

  • image hking76:
    image michrocc:
    image hking76:

    I obsessively read/check this board for new posts in a feeble attempt to feel connected, but not have to see anyone, be hugged, or told "it will be alright".  It's not alright, dammit - I had one job for 9 mos and I failed.  I know its not true, but that's how I feel sometimes, and I don't dare say it out loud. 

    Me, too. I feel like this was the most important job I'll ever have and, just as I was learning the ropes, I was given a bit fat pink slip with no explanation. 

     

    I found your Joni Mitchell quote particularly poignant...  I'm going to have to go download that for one of those low moments.

    Thanks! I keep coming back to that song when I'm thinking about LO so I thought it seemed to fit. Those lines, in particular.

    I'm so sorry for your loss but am glad to know people who understand.

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • -I've been very anxious and angry lately.  I had to make a dreaded trip to Walmart the other day and saw at least five babies.  I wanted to melt into the floor.  I often find myself wanting to punch people when I'm out shopping even though I'm generally an extremely calm person.

    -I'm scared to death that when I get pregnant again, people will forget about my son and assume that I'm 'all better'.  While I know that a new pregnancy will bring moments of excitement and joy, I also know that I will not be 'all better' and that I'm forever changed.

    -I absolutely cannot wait for the holidays to be over (and for the previously mentioned baby-related holiday commercials to stop).  I've been counting down the days until the start of the new decade for awhile now.  I'm convinced that next year will most likely be better b/c there are only a handful of things that I can think of that could happen that would be as bad as what we went through over the summer.

    -After I delivered my son, I had severe hemhorraging and several blood transfusions and my doctors tell me that I almost died.  I had always been healthy, didn't get sick much and never had a reason to go to the doctor's much.  Now, after coming so close to the edge, I feel like a hypocondriac.  Every little thing that I notice that is out of place, I convince myself that I'm dying.  My counselor called it 'hypersensitivity'.  Whatever you want to call it, I miss the old me.

    -I'm tired of the flashbacks of the events from when we found out our son was gone through the time I was in ICU through our first days home afterwards.  They pop up at work sometimes and sometimes before bed.  I feel like thinking about those moments are part of the healing process, but I wish they wouldn't pop up so randomly.

    If you've read all of this, thanks for listening!  It felt good to get it ou!

  • I feel like I have the same problems as all of you.

    Commercials, the stupid jewelry ones, but the ones that get me is all the Christmas cartoons on prime-time. I know that my girls would have only been about 5 months or so about now if they made it to their due date and wouldn't have really watched them anyways, but it was a tradition I was looking forward to starting. One of my favorite Christmas memories was watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with my family. And I was so looking forward to starting that with my girls. I am very bitter and angry that I, and everyone here was robbed of these memories.

    I am angry at all the young Mother's and and old Mother's all of which don't see their children as the true blessing  that they really are. I want to slap them and shake them and tell the to grow up and be thankful!  I am sick of people complaining about how their kids inconvenience them.

    I was babysitting my nephew and had him overnight so my sis and bil could have a holiday party for bil coworkers. They wanted to drink and I understood (even though they do it all the time, not like they hadn't done it in a while). I had lunch plans the following day which shouldn't have been a problem since he was being picked up first thing in the morning. They didn't pick him up until 3 pm. No calls or anything. I didn't have any snacks or lunch or anything for the poor guy ( I ended up finding something). But I couldn't believe that 2 people could just do this out of pure selfishness on a regular basis! And on top of that she blurted out a bit ago while I was moving a couch in front of the whole family that they were ttc in January. Their marriage is NOT on solid ground, and they can't handle the one they have. I AM SO ANGRY!!! She was even sensative to the fact that I burst into tears and left the room when she decided to "make the announcement". I know it is selfish but I wish that she gave a rats a$$!!!!!

    Sorry so long, had WAY more to confess than I thought!

  • I constantly feel sick to my stomach over this whole year of absolute crap. Losing three pg, my in-laws, trying to help my devastated husband- this year was just absurd.

    I am terrified of getting pg again but it's all I want. Now that I have the green light we are ttc starting next week. I am so nervous.

    MH and I are going on our first date since the night we got pg this last time. I should be in my 20th week and knowing the gender of the baby by now. Instead, I will be drinking wine. It just sucks. 

    Three losses in 2009, a miracle in 2010! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker The Method to My Madness, a PPD blog
  • image MommaRed83:

    I am angry at all the young Mother's and and old Mother's all of which don't see their children as the true blessing  that they really are. I want to slap them and shake them and tell the to grow up and be thankful!  I am sick of people complaining about how their kids inconvenience them.

    THIS, THIS, THIS!  Yesterday, while I was waiting to give blood so I could proceed with my d&c, there was this woman basically sitting ON TOP OF ME with her son, who was waiting to give blood too.  He was eating a lolly pop and she told him to go throw the stick away.  Now he couldn't have been more than 3 years old and started to walk from the trash can in the wrong direction.  She actually stood up to go get him and said, god damn you stupid!  I was appalled.  I looked at my mom, crying, saying people like this have children and I just lost one, how fair is this?!!?!?  And in a "fabulous" twist of fate, her son was called for blood at the same time I was.  She was waiting in the stall next to me and he burped. The mother said, oh aren't you a little pig.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there, right after punching her in her b*tch face of course.   

    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I hate not being pregnant anymore... I am having my own pity party if anyone wants to join me.... looking for wine bottle opener
  • Sometimes I take Preg Tests before my period is expected "Just in Case" it could be positive. I had a bit of spotting last night and instantly thought "OOHH!! Maybe implantation bleeding" and went out and got a test today. What am I thinking? 

     

    I also sometimes feel inadequate as a woman/human for not being able to carry my baby to term. "Chromosomal Problems" they called it - whatever.

     

    I just so badly want to be pregnant again.  

    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Missing our sweet Angeline. BFP #1: 7.12.09 / EDD: 3.15.10 / Missed Miscarriage: 8.14.10
    BFP #2: 3.16.10 / EDD: 11.28.12 / Collin Rex born 12.1.10
    TTC#2: May 2012
    BFP #3: 7.5.12 / CP 7.12.12
    BFP #4: 1.28.12 / EDD: 10.11.13
    betas: 10dpo: 91 / 14dpo: 493 / first u/s: 3.4.13
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I also hate not being pregnant anymore. I feel like I have a pity party in my head nearly everyday.

     Here's my confessions for the day:

    1. I received a Christmas card from my aunt today. My cousin (her daughter) is expecting a baby within the next few weeks. While I'm extremely happy for her, the message on the Christmas card is haunting me. "All I want for Christmas is a happy, healthy baby!" It's a generic, photo card that was sent to everyone, so I know it's not meant to upset me but... honestly.

    2. I'm really trying not to be angry at those who have said NOTHING to us since our loss. These are "friends" that I've known my entire life and they have said nothing. Today, finally one called and didn't say a word about our baby. Finally at the close of the call, I asked if she knew. She said  yes, that she had talked to another of my friends had talked about it and they just didn't know what to say. Again, honestly?? Say something! That's what friends do!

    I think that's all my rants for the moment...

  • image shelby_shinkle@hotmail.com:

    2. I'm really trying not to be angry at those who have said NOTHING to us since our loss. These are "friends" that I've known my entire life and they have said nothing. Today, finally one called and didn't say a word about our baby. Finally at the close of the call, I asked if she knew. She said  yes, that she had talked to another of my friends had talked about it and they just didn't know what to say. Again, honestly?? Say something! That's what friends do!

    I agree.  It seems like our friends and family members do a great job of talking about our losses to one another, but somehow aren't able to manage a single word to us.  What's up with that?  It really bothers me.

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Advice"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a17ee.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • I fast forward through the commercials also. Lately I have been so worried that when we do get pregnant again we will miscarry again. I am ready to try again, but also nervous about the cerclage the dr says she will put in next time to help.

    Jenn

    image 3 IUI's all BFN

    IVF#1 BFN IVF#2 BFP, loss at 19 weeks FET#1 BFN IVF#3 BFP, m/c FET#2 BFN

    Missing our twins Zachary and Madison, lost at 19 weeks on 11/13/09, edd 4/9/10

    BFP 7/17/10, m/c 7/25/10, edd 3/25/11

    Ectopic, lost left tube 4/20/11, edd 12/6/11

    my blog

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