After a very scary weekend and two days of anticipation I found out that my hcg levels did not double like they should have. (Low 600's to high 600's in two days.)
I found out that I was pregnant very early, nearly two weeks ago, and today would have been the start of week 6. I haven't officially miscarried but my doctor thinks it will probably be over the weekend. I go back on Monday to check the levels again to see if there dropping, if not she said she'd give me something to start the process. The whole conversation is a blur but I think she basically said, she believes the egg implanted, but there was most likely something wrong with the embryo, so even though I have a health placenta, the embryo isn't going to continue developing. Then I just heard a bunch of "I'm very sorry"s.
I am so unbelieviable numb right now. I have periodic busts of tears and then numbness sets in again.
I didn't think it would hurt this much. I tried so hard to shield myself and kept telling myself that it was early, that things happen. Just be patient. It's too good to be true.
This baby was my mircle. I was diagnosed with PCOS almost a year ago. I started metformin and was ready to start clomid when my husband was laid off in march and so we put the trying on hold. We were going to start the metformin and move to the clomid in October, but in late August we found out that we were expecting. I was so suprised because I was so convinced that we'd have to do fertility. I was relieved, happy and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel defective.
Now I'm scared. I keep wondering things I know I shouldn't. I keep wondering things that are selfish and horrible. I keep wondering if this was just a one time thing. If I'll ever be able to do it again without fertility. How long I have to try before we can move on to fertility. Do I even want to do fertility. I know I want to try again, but will I be a complete wreck if I do see two little lines again. Will I ever trust myself or my body again.
I really just want to puke right now. I want to scream. I want to hit something. I want to blame something or someone. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want a hug.
I want to feel how I was trying to prepare myself to feel. Sad but confident, a trooper. I've always had a personality that when the chips were down, when something was in my way, I would fight, I would move boulders to prove people wrong to acheive what I set to acheive. Now, I'm just numb. I don't know if it's even possible feel. I have no control.
I didn't think I would feel this way after only know for a few weeks, I didn't think I'd feel this way after finding out only a few hours ago. It's not fair. It's so not fair. No one should have to feel this way, ever.
I want my husband to come home. I want him to hold me. I want my dogs to quit looking at me like I'm nuts and to quit trying to crawl up in my lap. I want to go to bed.