Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I've lost my first pregnancy

After a very scary weekend and two days of anticipation I found out that my hcg levels did not double like they should have. (Low 600's to high 600's in two days.)

I found out that I was pregnant very early, nearly two weeks ago, and today would have been the start of week 6. I haven't officially miscarried but my doctor thinks it will probably be over the weekend. I go back on Monday to check the levels again to see if there dropping, if not she said she'd give me something to start the process. The whole conversation is a blur but I think she basically said, she believes the egg implanted, but there was most likely something wrong with the embryo, so even though I have a health placenta, the embryo isn't going to continue developing. Then I just heard a bunch of "I'm very sorry"s.

 I am so unbelieviable numb right now. I have periodic busts of tears and then numbness sets in again. 

I didn't think it would hurt this much. I tried so hard to shield myself and kept telling myself that it was early, that things happen. Just be patient. It's too good to be true.

 This baby was my mircle. I was diagnosed with PCOS almost a year ago. I started metformin and was ready to start clomid when my husband was laid off in march and so we put the trying on hold. We were going to start the metformin and move to the clomid in October, but in late August we found out that we were expecting. I was so suprised because I was so convinced that we'd have to do fertility. I was relieved, happy and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel defective.

 Now I'm scared. I keep wondering things I know I shouldn't. I keep wondering things that are selfish and horrible. I keep wondering if this was just a one time thing. If I'll ever be able to do it again without fertility. How long I have to try before we can move on to fertility. Do I even want to do fertility. I know I want to try again, but will I be a complete wreck if I do see two little lines again. Will I ever trust myself or my body again.

 I really just want to puke right now. I want to scream. I want to hit something.  I want to blame something or someone. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want a hug.

I want to feel how I was trying to prepare myself to feel. Sad but confident, a trooper. I've always had a personality that when the chips were down, when something was in my way, I would fight, I would move boulders to prove people wrong to acheive what I set to acheive. Now, I'm just numb. I don't know if it's even possible feel. I have no control.

I didn't think I would feel this way after only know for a few weeks, I didn't think I'd feel this way after finding out only a few hours ago. It's not fair. It's so not fair. No one should have to feel this way, ever. 

I want my husband to come home. I want him to hold me. I want my dogs to quit looking at me like I'm nuts and to quit trying to crawl up in my lap. I want to go to bed. 

Re: I've lost my first pregnancy

  • So sorry for your loss... it's hard, but hopefully you have support through your friends and family and of course DH.  There are a lot of women on this site who conceived with PCOS after a m/c... I'm sure it'll happen for you.
  • I'm so sorry!!! I too had the numb feeling and did not know really what to feel for a while..Hope the DH will make you feel better...HUGS 
  • Sorry to hear the news.  Just know that what you're going through is complete normal.  This is exactly how I feel.
  • I'm very sorry for your loss.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    m/c - 8.12.09 @ 9 weeks

  • So sorry for your loss. I went through the most wide range of emotions ever with our losses. I was positive, depressed, angry etc... Just try to remember that you are not alone in dealing with it. Lean on your DH. Hugs to you...I am sorry you are having to go through this.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Blighted Ovum 7/2008 (D&C)
    Ectopic 7/2009 (Emergency surgery:removal of left tube)
    Blighted Ovum 1/2010 (Natural m/c)
    DS #1: 2/7/11
    Ectopic 2/2012
    BFP: 12/24/2013
  • Oh, hun.  I'm so sorry.

    The "rule of thumb" is at least 1 cycle anyway.  You don't have to think about that right now.  Just take some time for you. 

    If you need clomid, then you need clomid.  Yes, it would be SO nice to not have to take it, but sometimes you got to do what you got to do.

    I waited 1 cycle (well, I did BCP after each m/c, except this one....taking Provera to induce period now) in between and I'm not sure if I did the right thing.  I didn't really let my heart heal after each one.  I'm taking some time off now.  It's called a "mental" or "emotional" break. 

    There's nothing anyone can say to you to make you feel better.  We are all thinking about you and you are not alone in this.

     

    Alison

    TTC # 1 Since 6/08, Dx PCOS/Annovulary 9/08, Multiple infertility treatments, 4 ovulations with 3 m/c, 6th rd. 200mg clomid with dex = BFP beta 11/23 = 218! at 14 dpo, beta #2 11/25 = 577!! at 16 dpo
    beta #3 11/27 = 1656!!! at 18dpo,1st u/s 12/8 at 6w1d = HB 118!!!!
    2nd u/s 12/21 at 8w = HB 170!!!!!Matthew born 7/27/10! TTC#2 8/12 more clomid and dex, 3rd rd 200mg clomid with dex 10/4 = BFP but lost heartbeat at 9w2d, D&E 12/12/12
    image


    The Infertility Diaries
  • I'm very sorry, I myslef is going thru the same thing right now.

    Its our first and I found out today my numbers were 11.5 & 8 so basiclly the doctor said I could be miscarrying but she wants to do more blood work on monday to double check... but I know I am...

    Why else would my hcg go from 12 to 11.5 and my pro at 8... thats low..

    Anyhow good luck and keep your head up and be positive.

    Dx Endometriosis & MTHFR (2) Mutations 1st IUI BFP!! Beta& Pro levels low taking Endometrin vaginal inserts & b/w every 2 days... 9/12/09 Spontaneous Miscarriage @ 5.5 weeks AF arrivied 10/11/09 (30 days after m/c) 2nd IUI 10/24/09 BFP!! 11/6/09 1st Beta 8, 2nd Beta 28 3rd beta 51, 4TH Beta 327! & 5th Beta 800 , 6th Beta 338 :(on Endometrin vaginal inserts 200 mg twice a day, 2nd M/C 11/25/09 Starting taking BA, 5mg Folic acid, b12 & b9 along with prenatal. Hopefully this will help! M/C 11/25/09 AF SHOWED 26 DAYS AFTER MC, 3RD IUI SCHEDULED FOR 1/4/10 GOD PLEASE GRANT ME MY WISH! 3RD IUI =BFN 4th IUI on 2/2/10 in the 2WW Please let this be it. Keeping fingers crossed. 2/16/10 = BFP! 1st Beta 146, 2nd Beta 510, 3rd Beta 1808 & Pro 35, 4th Beta 12,000 & Pro 28, 3/2/10 1st u/s poss 2 sacs 1 hb @ 117!!! yay! Praying this is our sticky baby! We love you Baby! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm very sorry for your loss.  I'm afraid that you aren't in control and you have to really feel and accept all the negative, sad emotions or else they'll come back to haunt you later.  My thoughts are with you and your DH. 
  • Hey there. You are definately not alone....your story and mine are so very very similar it is almost as If you were writing about me in a lot of your post....I too have just lost my first pregnancy after being on Metformin for just over a year (got put on Met with a PCOS dx before TTC) and was just about to ask my Endo for a referral to go to a RE....and I share the same worries/fears about if this will happen again without help from more meds/dr's.....and right now I feel like I am moving on too fast.....ready to jump back on the horse...but I am pretty sure it is just my  way of not dealing and pushing all of the emotions aside.....

     If you need someone to talk with....send me a note.....

  • All I can say is that I'm sorry and send lots of ((HUGS))
    image image
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