3rd Trimester

odd question... wwyd? (kinda long)

Okay, so my MIL and FIL do NOT get along at all... when DH and I were engaged they pretended to be happy about it, however they would call him weekly and say "she's not right for you. you need to know if you make this choice there's NO WAY that we will support it or you." Fast forward to the months before the wedding... I start getting death threats via email and telephone... DH answers and gives them a piece of his mind. It was his family. So, obviously cops were called and then our numbers were changed. They do NOT know where we live other than the town, and that will never in a million years change. Fast forward to the wedding day... his aunt and uncle showed up at the wedding, and that was it for his family. His *lovely* (heavy on the sarcasam) father decided it would be a WONDERFUL time to call DH and this was the just of what was said... "I have to support your mother in times like this, I won't be at the wedding. This is your final chance to back down and do the right thing." His parents are divorced. I added fuel to the fire by calling him back... I said "don't you think it's about time that you man up and accept your responsabilities as a father? She's alwasy going to be your EX and he's always going to be your SON. Maybe it's time for you to decide where your loyalties lie." I was furious with him, the wedding day is NOT the proper time to make that type of a phone call. Its supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life... not one of the most upsetting ones. Anyways... fast forward to Christmas... I should mention at this point that the only family he had contact with were his grandparents and the aunt and uncle who attended the wedding... his grandpa passed away... we went to the memorial. His step mother approached me and said "I'm terribly sorry for the way that you've been treated by this family. It's not right, and it's not fair at all." I said "I appreciate that, and you're right." that's about all that was said... then his mother emails me...(my emails come directly to my cell phone, so it opened immediately and i went to delete it however figured something must be up if she was actually emailing me, and his gramma is in failing health so I read it...) "I wanted to let you know how deeply it touched me that despite how horrible we've been to you in the past you put that aside to attend my dad's funeral. It was so nice to see you. You looked absolutely gorgeous. Congratulations on the pregnancy, I know you'll be a lovely mother." WTH... anyways... then she emails me again "I really want to put the past in the past for the sake of the baby. I want to show you I mean this. I want to throw you a baby shower. Which date works best for you?" So after careful thought I wrote back "I appreciate the offer, and I appreciate that you want to put the past in the past. I'm not going to snub you off with this, I will give it a chance and see where it goes... yes I will attend however your son does not wish to see you at this point so he said he will not accompany me... would it be alright for my mom to come with me?" and she said that was fine. *insert side note* MIL has commented time and time again that she wants to put the past in the past and I always agree to try for sake of DH and my sanity... anyways... we went to the shower, and it was really awesome, no complaints at all... awkward but really nice. I thanked them profusely and said that I really was touched by this, (which i was) and that it was very nice of them to do. Then SIL goes out to a party and sees DH's friend... this friend is very very angry with DH as he did not come down. SIL says "oh yeah, my mom said that the hosebag (that'd be me) forced him to stay home and do house work today." Now, SIL tends to lie a lot, but that sounds exactly like something MIL would say... now DH is hopeful that things will get better with his family, and I still have extreme reservations... I told DH that i absolutely refuse to ever let them see the baby without us being present, DH agreed totally... My question is DH wants to call them when I have the baby, and they want to come to the hospital... I really don't want them there... wwyd???

Am I just being cranky and emotional??

TIA.

Re: odd question... wwyd? (kinda long)

  • Wow. That was tough to get through. Paragraphs are your friend. :)

    Talk about it with your DH. If you don't want them at the hospital, call them when you get home and are ready for visitors. Make the relationship on your terms.

  • Um...wow..death threats? Seriously?  I think that going to the shower was a huge step foward.

    Yeah, I have no advice.  Sorry, I can't wrap my mind around anyone being that awful. 

    Are you going to tell them where you live?  If not, maybe it's better they come to the hospital to see the baby?  Or else they'll expect to go to your place.  And is your DH really ready to have a relationship with them again? He didn't want to go to the shower but he wants to call them?

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  • Regardless of whatever kind of relationship you've ever had with your MIL, if you don't want people at the hospital, it's perfectly fine to not have any there. I love my MIL and FIL and DH loves my parents, but we don't want anyone there until after the birth. Plenty of other people request that the new grandparents visit them once they return home. It's not an odd request. I would say you should call them after he's born and you're in recovery, but establish beforehand that it'll be a phonecall and not a call to let them come visit.

    With regards to the bizarre interactions you've had with his family, I'd ignore SIL and not let anything like that upset your new start with your MIL.

  • I would not want them at the hosptial either.  That is a time for you to bond with your baby, they can meet you somewhere after baby is born and see the baby.  I get along well with my family and my in-laws but we are not letting any of them come to the hospital unless I have to stay there for an extended period of time.  I think that a couple has the right to bond with their baby before including everyone else.   That is just my opinion.
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  • I don't think I'd want people who threatened my life at the hospital. . .Then again, that way you could invite them towards the end of visiting hours so they couldn't stay too long. That would be better than having them visit at your home and stay all day.
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  • I don't think that throwing you a shower makes up for everything you've had to go through so I'd say NO. On the other hand, it would be easy to throw them out of the hospital if anything happens. Also if you let them come to the hospital, they wouldn't  have to come to your house to see the baby and that way wouldn't know where you live!
  • I am so sorry that both you and your DH have had to deal with this!  I really cannot begin to imagine how offensive and hurtful those times must have been.

    I think you should decide when the time arrives if it is good to invite them to the hospital or your home.  Maybe offer to meet them somewhere (a fellow family member) so that it is more "neutral".  Or offer to go to their home after a few weeks, if you and your DH feels ready to start to communicate more.  You may not want them to know where you live yet, but can work on the relationship slowly.

  • It just seems odd to me that they do not know where you live (for obvious reasons) but that they want to come to the hospital. If I was your husband I would be pissed that they didn't want to maintain a relationship with him or you but now that there is a baby on the way they want to be involved? F-that.

     

  • Thank you ladies.

    Sorry about the paragraph thing... When I get upset I just type and pay no mind to what's going where... 

    I do agree that possibly the hospital would be the best place after reading all of your comments, as they could be easily removed if the situation called for it. I asked DH after reading the comment about a neutral place if we could possibly rent a hall somewhere and have a "meet the baby" day, as they are all from out of town so it would be rude of me to say "it's only for an hour" so that's an option he's also agreed to.

    He does not want a relationship with them at this point, but feels that any future relationship that the baby would have with them would be put into jepordy if we did not let them know when I have the baby. I'm thinking that when we get home from the hospital we could possibly send out a mass email of a form of a birth announcement with pictures and such... not sure if that would satisfy them or not though...

  • Wow. A Bumpie pours her emotional turmoil out and the first comment is on her lack of paragraphs? Really?? What a sympathetic bunch.
  • I would ask him to wait for them to come visit until you get home and settled for a day or two.

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  • image goesbatty:
    Wow. A Bumpie pours her emotional turmoil out and the first comment is on her lack of paragraphs? Really?? What a sympathetic bunch.

    She'd probably have gotten more posts if there were paragraphs.  We are all cranky PG women and it is hard to read.  PP wasn't mean about it.  It was just a fact.

    If you want to give them the chance to be involved, I would invite them to the hospital just so you can have them escorted out at any time.  In fact, if they get on your nerves the nurses can ask them to leave.  This way they don't have to come over to your house and there is a time limit on their visit.

  • I have been through a?similar?situation with my FIL and BIL (except for the death threats). ?They were awful and have been ever since our wedding 3 years ago. ?I have made it very clear to DH that they are not welcome at the birth or anytime soon after the birth. ?I told him that I would only let his dad and brother come visit (a day visit only without his step mom and her kids). But, it would be on my terms....and at least a few weeks after we are home...I don't want them there when my family is there. ?

    ?Soooo....I think you completely justified in not having them at the hospital. ?Do it on your terms. ?That is the only way I could feel comfortable doing it. ?Good luck! ?

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  • i personally wouldn't have gone to the shower.  any one who is willing to threaten me or my husband would in no way be associated with my family.  i'd cut ties immediately and explain to dh i don't feel comfortable having my child anywhere near these people.  how do you know they're not trying to get close to you just to hurt you again?
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