1st Trimester

Am I selfish?

DH thinks I'm being selfish that I don't want ANYONE at the hospital until I've had the baby, we've had family time just the three of us, and I've had a nap/shower/make-up/food/whatever I want.  My family is totally cool with this, but his is going to FLIP!  He told me he needs them there "for support" but I told him there was no way in h*ll they were coming into my room and there was no way in h*ll he was going to leave me to go talk to them, so he'd better get over it.  I feel like his focus should be me and the baby at that time...and with the mother he has, it would become all about her.

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Re: Am I selfish?

  • ibisibis member
    I actually do think it is a little selfish of you not to even "allow" them at the hospital when your H wants his family there for support. It's his baby too. What about his feelings?
  • I dont think its selfish, its a matter of what you are comfortable with.

    I dont really want a ton of people either, but I am sure my parents will want to be there.

  • I don't think you're being selfish!  IT"S YOUR BABY!!!!  People need to respect your wishes and if you request privacy for a little bit, then they should respect that!!!  I think people get lost in the fact that it's your baby and they feel entitled like they should be there or something when that's completely not true, again it's up to you and your DH!
  • I can totally see both sides of this.  That being said, there's nothing I could do to keep my family from coming to the hospital -- they're just social baby lovers!  :) 
  • image ibis:
    I actually do think it is a little selfish of you not to even "allow" them at the hospital when your H wants his family there for support. It's his baby too. What about his feelings?

    I agree with this. I think you guys should compromise - maybe allow them to be there but not in the room or anything. And your DH won't leave while you're in labor to go chat with them, he'll be too focused on you and the baby.??

  • IMO yes, your family helped make this moment possible, you'll have lots of FAMILY time once your out of the hospital. They don't need to bum rush you or bomabard you, and believe me the hospital staff makes sure your not overwhelmed with people.
  • We did that.  With DD we asked that they not come to the hospital since it was an early induction and we said no one could come in my room anyway.  They listened surprisingly.  My family lives far away, so it's not a problem.  They aren't here anyway.  DH's family wasn't happy with our decision, but they dealt with it since we said they couldn't come in my room anyway.  DD was born after visiting hours so they couldn't come till the next afternoon either (they all work).  With DS, I went into the hospital so early, we didn't call anyone, but a friend to come stay with DD. We called after he was born, but asked that they not come till after noon since we were up since about 3 that morning. 

    I don't think you're selfish.  I think your DH is.  What does HE need support for?  He's supposed to be supporting YOU.  I can understand the MIL issue.  My MIL makes everything about herself too. 

    Rachel

    Kylee 9/20/06 Elijah 10/13/07 Adleigh 12/9/09 Micah 12/17/11

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  • Not Selfish! If it is so am I! I'm with you I don't want people around. Hell My husband started getting queasy at the idea of it I told him he doesn't need to be there. I'm a private person and let?s just say his family is not.

    Amanda
  • I think they should be able to be AT the hospital, but not IN your room.  Only my mom and DH will be in the room.  After we have Henry we will take an hour for ourselves and then people can visit us in the room.
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  • image ibis:
    I actually do think it is a little selfish of you not to even "allow" them at the hospital when your H wants his family there for support. It's his baby too. What about his feelings?

    I see this side of it.  I guess I just feel like since I'm the one who will be going through all the physical stuff I should get my way on this.  Also, like I said before, his mom would make it all about her and we wouldn't get any time just us and the baby. 

  • Nope, I totally agree!!!  We've told both sides of our families that we will call them after we've had the baby, napped, showered, and are actually ready for visitors.

    This is DH and my special time to bond with eachother and the new baby, I don't want my mom or his mom rushing in right after the baby is born.  They can be mad if they want, but it's our decision and our family. 

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  • ibisibis member

    I think you can reach a compromise where they can come to the hospital whenever (and really, how can you stop them - the waiting room is public) but certainly they do not have to come into the delivery room. After you deliver you're going to be tired, so I think it would be reasonable to ask for X hours to rest before you see any visitors.

    As for your H, you may not need him there for every single second of labor, wouldn't it be okay if he goes to sit with his family after you deliver? Say you take a little nap and he spends an hour in the waiting room?

    I just think that you're going down a bad road if you already start ignoring your husband's feelings during pregnancy... a lot of men feel isolated from the experience because they have no physical part in it. I don't think you need to drive that home to him, it's only going to ruin your intimacy as a couple. It's important to remember your marriage when you actually have the baby as well. Don't make your H the enemy, he is on your team. GL 

  • image nowmrsbinkc:

    image ibis:
    I actually do think it is a little selfish of you not to even "allow" them at the hospital when your H wants his family there for support. It's his baby too. What about his feelings?

    I see this side of it.  I guess I just feel like since I'm the one who will be going through all the physical stuff I should get my way on this.  Also, like I said before, his mom would make it all about her and we wouldn't get any time just us and the baby. 

    Actually it's quite simple.  All you have to do is tell your nurses that you do not want anyone in the room until you give the go ahead.  They will keep them out.  People can't just come in your room if you don't want them to. 

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  • I didn't think I really had a choice after watching all the baby stories. But DH informed me his family wont even come over the Mountain until after I have delivered. For one the weather will make travel next to impossible and for two this is grandchild number 9 for them. Now im trying to talk my family out of flying out for the birth. I wont want them in there during labor and the weather could make it impossible for them to even get to me for days. I think your fine! Its not selfish its a special time for your little family. You only get it once.
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  • I completely agree that you should be the one to decide who comes into your room and when.  No selfishness there.  Childbirth is extremely hard work and you deserve some time and rest, if you want it, before the parade of visitors begins.

    However, yes, I think it is selfish to bar them from the hospital at all.  First, you can't do it.  They will be allowed in the waiting room anyway so, why push it?  And, if your DH wants to go out and get some support from his family he has that right. 

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  • I don't want anyone there either until the baby is here.
  • I guess I have a different perspective.  Although having the babies is a life changing and amazing time for DH and I, its also literally the biggest thing that has happened to either of our families and as much as I want to keep parts of it to ourselves (and we will) I just cant imagine not having everyone at the hospital and waiting to see the babies.  They are so excited and want to be a part of as much as they can. I love the idea of delivering the babies and then DH running out to tell everyone that they are ok and although Id like to compose myself to some extent in the room after, I want everyone to be part of being with the babies and with me.

     

     


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  • You are totally not being unresonable AT ALL.  That is how it was when I had Hannah.  I wanted it just DH and I at the hospital and then after baby came people could come and visit.  I told everyone that there was no way that I would be in the mood to entertain anyone and didnt want anyone being uncomfortable seeing me be uncomfortable while in labor.  Thankfully DH was fine.  Maybe to help DH he can have his family there at the hospital, but they stay in the waiting room and not in with you.  Thats what my mom did.  She ended up showing up even though I told her that I didnt want anyone there, so she ended up staying in the waiting room.  DH was able to go visit and see her when I was trying to rest or when there wasn't a lot of activity going on (I was induced due to being overdue).
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  • Here's my DH's view.  He didn't WANT to leave my side.  With my first, I was in so long (4 week early induction) we had to make him go eat.  He didn't want to go out and sit with his family.  Not to mention his mom is very pushy and seems to find ways of getting her way and we both know that, which is why we asked them not even to come to the hospital.  No one would have wanted to sit in a waiting room with no news for 34 1/2 hours anyway.  If I went full-term, we wouldn't have even called till after delivery.  If you don't want anyone there, don't call till you have delivered.  And pray it's late at night so it's after visiting hours!  =)
    Rachel

    Kylee 9/20/06 Elijah 10/13/07 Adleigh 12/9/09 Micah 12/17/11

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  • image ibis:

    I think you can reach a compromise where they can come to the hospital whenever (and really, how can you stop them - the waiting room is public) but certainly they do not have to come into the delivery room. After you deliver you're going to be tired, so I think it would be reasonable to ask for X hours to rest before you see any visitors.

    As for your H, you may not need him there for every single second of labor, wouldn't it be okay if he goes to sit with his family after you deliver? Say you take a little nap and he spends an hour in the waiting room?

    I just think that you're going down a bad road if you already start ignoring your husband's feelings during pregnancy... a lot of men feel isolated from the experience because they have no physical part in it. I don't think you need to drive that home to him, it's only going to ruin your intimacy as a couple. It's important to remember your marriage when you actually have the baby as well. Don't make your H the enemy, he is on your team. GL 

    That, all of it.

    While you are the one delivering, it is his baby, and I do think he may need support.  It's often very difficult to watch your spouse in pain or agony and if something were to go wrong in an emergency, he could use the support of his family.

    There are plenty of ways to compromise here - and a nurse can help ensure that the in-laws remain in the waiting room instead of entering your room and there is no reason your DH has to be there at your side every single second.

    And don't forget, you may end up there overnight and they don't show because it's inconvenient, or you may find that you would actually like some company or distraction.  In other words - be flexible, because there is no reason to be otherwise right now.


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  • I can see both sides of it....

    I can totally understand your husband wanting family AT the hospital for support.....but, I wouldnt want people in the room right away after the birth.

    The hospital where is will deliver and where I had my daughter....they allow you to have your spouse and up to 2 other "support people" during the labor.  I had my mom and best friend there during labor but, made them leave when it was time to push. Then it was just my husband and I.

    This hospital has a rule that anyone who was not in the room for the actual delivery (dh and if you want, the support people) cannot come up to the room until an hour after the baby is born to give you time to recover a little and spend some time together.    So, our families had no choice but, to wait until an hour after I had her. By that time, they have given me something to eat and I was feeling more ready and willing to see people........

    I thought I'd care about fixing myself up......but, I really did not care at all!!!! 

     

     

     

  • epphdepphd
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    While you are the one giving birth, DH is also having a baby, and if he needs support I think you should be prepared to come to some sort of a compromise.  It's kind of_shitty of you to tell him that he doesn't deserve to have support when he has specifically stated that he does.

    Generally I think it's selfish to not entertain a compromise on anything in a marriage when one partner has needs that differ from the other's.  In my opinion, that's an integral part of marriage and it speaks volumes that you are rejecting him out of hand.

    ETA: OK, I realize that this sounds harsh. I should say that I understand you not wanting them in the room, and I think that is understandable.  What I think is crummy is not allowing his family to come to the hospital at all, particularly when your own husband wants them to be there.  If he said that he didn't want them there that would be one thing - but to tell him "nope, sorry if that's what you want, I don't" - I think that is selfish.

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  • Here is what we did with DS #1.  Our families knew in advance that only DH and doctors/nurses would be in the room with me for the actual delivery.  I knew my mom would really want to check on me.  So she and my dad were in the waiting room a lot that day (their choice!) and when I felt okay enough for visitors, they would come in for a few minutes to chat.  This was all before I was in hard labor.

    DH called his little sister to be there (the rest of their family lives 3 hours away).  I don't think she stopped in to say, she came closer to the delivery part.  She and my mom waited at the hospital until I delivered, but they didn't come into our room until at least an hour post delivery.  I was (mostly) cleaned up - not showered or anything though.  DH, DS and I still got some time alone and a little time to soak everything in, just the three of us.

    They stayed only long enough to congratulate us, give DS a couple of kisses and then they were on their way (it was past midnight by this time and we were all exhausted).

    Is there some kind of compromise you could agree to like this?  Like, they can be there, but can only visit if/when you and your DH say it's okay.  That way they can stay the whole time, if they want, it would be their choice to do so, knowing that they may not get much time to talk to you.

    I know you don't want this to be about your MIL - hopefully if you put out clear expectations it won't be an issue?  I know this isn't possible with all family members :)  I think it's important for your DH to have the support he may need, just like you need your support, but I agree that you should be comfortable with it....

    I hope you guys can figure something out!

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  • It is really interesting to see what everyone thinks on this topic! :)
  • I don't want people there either... Just my mom and him and I told him that everyone else can come up when I'm ready.
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  • I don't think it's selfish at all. I think it's totally reasonable and it's your choice. You should have the birth experience that feels comfortable to you. It's not like you are not allowing them at the hospital, you just want to control when they arrive. I think it's reasonable and I would consider doing the same.
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  • I'm glad you posted this.  We haven't even told DH's family yet, because they are crazy and my MIL is super controlling!  But I am with you and I don't want his family there until after the baby is born either.  I want my mom and DH in the delivery room with me and that's it.  After that I want our time to bond and rest and be with the baby and then his parents can come to the hospital.  Am I being selfish?  Maybe, but my MIL would make it all about her as well and after what we went through with our wedding and her, I don't really care about her feelings.  I hope that DH will be with me on this one.....but who knows.  Have you guys gone to a birth class yet?  Maybe he needs to hear from some people how it will actually be during delivery and how he needs to be with you etc. and then he'll get it.  GL
  • I don't think you're being selfish. My husband and I aren't going to have anyone there either. We want to share the first few hours alone together with our baby. The family will have more than enough time to see the baby, they've already waited 9 months, what's another day?

     

  • After I had both of my babies, I wasn't able to stand up for a while (I actually thought I could walk to the bathroom, and almost passed out and the poor nurse was basically holding me up on the toilet - not one of my best moments). So the showering thing may be a little bit lofty a goal ;)

     My parents and brother/sil saw me for **maybe** 30 minutes about 2 hours after my kids were born.  They saw the babies from the nursery.  Everyone came the next day, after we were able to rest up, etc. and I could walk to the bathroom without fainting.

    My only thing is, you'll never know what your birth will be like until it happens.  Your DH might just need them there because he's stressed that the woman he loves is going through something so big, that he can't imagine, and he needs someone to hold his hand. 

    PS - my DH passed out when my DD#2 was born when he saw a drop of blood.  They aren't always superheroes ;)

  • I've already expressed my opinion about this to DH.  No one else is going to be in the room with me besides DH.  I told him I don't even want to call our families until after the baby is born.  I know my FIL (very loud, obnoxious, doesn't think before he speaks) too well and I don't want him to be at the hospital while I'm in labor.  I know if we call our families when we go to the hospital that both our families will be in the waiting room and constantly coming in to ask how much longer.  To me, it would just be easier (and less stressful) to not have everyone there.  I don't think he agrees with me but  I am pushing this kid out of MYcrotch.  I understand he is also a part of this but it's my body.  It's a very personal event and I only want to share it with DH.  Besides, I can already hear the dumb crap coming out of my FIL's mouth-how loud I was screaming, how much it must have hurt, how far away he was and he could still hear it, etc.  Not something I want to deal with.  Plus, I know that once the baby is born that both our families will come in and swoop the baby away.  This is OUR baby and we've waited a long time for this.  I want some time just the three of us.  Selfish...probably but that's how I feel.
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