3rd Trimester

NBR Would this bug you?

So DH gets gift cards to home depot through his job all the time. He had like $700 worth of them saved up and I was thinking that since we're going to buying a house soon that that would be awesome to use towards anything we'll need there. Well last month he decided to use $550 of it to buy his parents a new water heater. Its not like his parents don't have the money to buy their own. This irked me for 2 reasons... When we got married last summer they wouldn't even help out with suits, flowers, anything. We ended up paying for all of the "groom's" part cause I didn't want my parents forking out more money than they already had. They have never ever helped us out with anything, no help with getting stuff for the baby, no help moving, nothing. My parents bend over backwards for us and DH was floored when I spent like $200 on Christmas presents for them.... UMMM OK. Then he goes and does this for them without even thinking our washer and dryer are on their way to dying, we could use that money for appliances in the new house or a new vacuum cleaner or anything! Well I kept my mouth shut when he did this for his parents... well he got like another $200 in certificates and now he wants to help his brother buy new doors for the interior of his house cause BIL doesn't want to paint them. I'm so annoyed! WWYD
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Re: NBR Would this bug you?

  • Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't get it, then kick him.
  • DH and I consult each other about all major (and most minor) purchases, whether it's paid with cash, credit card, gift certificate, etc. You need to open up those lines of communication ASAP!
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  • I would be annoyed at the amount of the purchase without so much as a discussion with you first.

    The fact that his parents didn't help out with your wedding is a non-issue to me.

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  • Did you ask him to save the money for your home? I mean yeah he should have thought of it himself but you also shouldn't set him up for failure...you know?

    Maybe its becasue I'm loud and have an attitude but I would have said "hey...stop donating and get me a new washer"

  • Uh yes! This would bug me.  I'd have to put my big ol' pregnant foot down and say o hellz no! 
  • image queenjohnston:
    Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't get it, then kick him.

    ...HARD!

  • Wow. I got irritated for you just reading that! I think you need to talk to him and maybe lay it out for him the same way you did for us. I know sometimes people are blinded by the love for their families, but I'm sorry he's being ridiculous. He needs to see that you guys need those gift cards more than a) people who had money to replace their own water heater and b) someone who just "doesn't feel like" painting some doors.
  • image queenjohnston:
    kick him.

    I like this one.

  • I would tell him...maybe he isn't thinking about the future as much as you are.
  • It would drive me crazy if my DH did that! I would not be shy about telling him, either!
  • image MidwestTexan:
    DH and I consult each other about all major (and most minor) purchases, whether it's paid with cash, credit card, gift certificate, etc. You need to open up those lines of communication ASAP!

    Ditto!!!

    Did he already buy the water heater?  If not, talk to him STAT!!!

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  • That sucks! I'd put my footdown, BIL can worry about his own freakin' doors!
  • image mavilabride:

    Did you ask him to save the money for your home? I mean yeah he should have thought of it himself but you also shouldn't set him up for failure...you know?

    Maybe its becasue I'm loud and have an attitude but I would have said "hey...stop donating and get me a new washer"

    I didn't even know he was planning on doing this til like the day before he went and got the water heater. I just found out last night he's already told his brother he'd get his doors. When I did say something he said "Sorry for trying to help my family out and do something nice for them." I wanted to punch him in the face. 

  • Believe me, I am all for helping people out.  My DH and I help whenever we can, however we can.  However, with that being said, it kind of sounds like it is time to put your foot down.  ESPECIALLY with buying a new house, etc.  GL to you!!!
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  • That would more than "bug" me!  I would be livid!  That is like throwing money down the drain, because now you will have to fork over money that you could have saved to buy things for which you could have used the gift certificate.  ERG!  I am ticked off for you!!!!  He should have discussed this with you for sure...actually, he should have known better without even having to discuss it.
  • image MidwestTexan:
    DH and I consult each other about all major (and most minor) purchases, whether it's paid with cash, credit card, gift certificate, etc. You need to open up those lines of communication ASAP!

    Ditto, you two need to talk about finances right away!

  • image chelsb@cc.usu.edu:
    image mavilabride:

    Did you ask him to save the money for your home? I mean yeah he should have thought of it himself but you also shouldn't set him up for failure...you know?

    Maybe its becasue I'm loud and have an attitude but I would have said "hey...stop donating and get me a new washer"

    I didn't even know he was planning on doing this til like the day before he went and got the water heater. I just found out last night he's already told his brother he'd get his doors. When I did say something he said "Sorry for trying to help my family out and do something nice for them." I wanted to punch him in the face. 

    Ask him, "What about your new family?" or "What about helping out our family?"

    If it were my DH, I would have to rationalize it for him. Tell him that if we spent the gift cards on his family, that doesn't mean we don't still NEED the things for ourselves. If he spends them on others, WE will have to spend OUR money on the things we need instead of THEM spending their money on the things THEY need. Someone will have to spend real physical cash on something, and it shouldn't have to be you all the time. 

    Helping is different than doing it for them. He can contribute, say, $100 in gift cards for the water heater and for the doors, but buying it FOR them isn't realistic.

    And the whole wedding thing.... I would be upset, too. NOT because of the money they refused to spend and that you still spent it on them. I would be upset because of the effort. They didn't offer to help you in any way (for the wedding, moving, etc.) but they're selfish enough to ask for help in return. They can't be JUST takers.

  • I would be pissed off too, but I wonder why you kept your mouth shut when you got upset?  I would remind DH that you two need to worry about your own family, home, and finances first before extended family members problems.  Although what he is doing is 'helpful' to them, it is a decision that needs to be made by BOTH of you first. 

     

  • I would definitely be irritated.  First of all, he should have talked to you first.  I also think it is important that you are on the same page about major purchases, especially when you aren't even going to benefit from the newly purchased item.  I see that he wants to help his family out, but there is a point where he has to remember that you are his family too.

    FWIW, my DH is totally like this.  He wants to give his parents money for everything (not that they need it), and gets pissed when I don't just sign off on it.  He does talk to me about it first.  I hate that they are a family of big, expensive presents - not to us mind you, but when it comes to his parents a big, expensive present is always expected/needed. 

  • image nuttybunch:

    image queenjohnston:
    Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't get it, then kick him.

    ...HARD!

    This! And what kind of water heater costs $500?  

  • image 2bejunebride06:

    FWIW, my DH is totally like this.  He wants to give his parents money for everything (not that they need it), and gets pissed when I don't just sign off on it.  He does talk to me about it first.  I hate that they are a family of big, expensive presents - not to us mind you, but when it comes to his parents a big, expensive present is always expected/needed. 

    That is how their family is. Last year all of us contributed money so they could replace the carpet in their house... we all contributed $150-200. We got a $25 gift certificate from them.... Um Thanks?

  • image queenjohnston:
    Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't get it, then kick him.

    This. He REALLY should have asked you about it before he bought them a water heater. I'd be pissed too.

    image Don't argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level then beat you with experience. - Mrs. G
  • image MidwestTexan:
    DH and I consult each other about all major (and most minor) purchases, whether it's paid with cash, credit card, gift certificate, etc. You need to open up those lines of communication ASAP!

    This.  While DH and I have a rule that we can buy ourselves a treat if it is under $20, even those we tend to run by one another just because we don't like to be wasteful, and if my treat is a purse or dress that he hates, I usually return it b/c I'll never use or wear it if he doesn't think it makes me look cute :)

  • DH and i have a rule that if we are giong to spend $200 on any one item we need to discuss it with each other first.

    I'd be PO'd if he was using our HD gift cards for other people - esp without telling me.... that's OUR MONEY - it's not just free stuff.... whatever he uses on the family is taking away cash out of your pocket when you need to go there.

    there's no way DH would ever do that to me - but if i were you i'd be PO'd - assuming you guys aren't filthy rich :)

  • Yea I'd be pissed. Maybe if you were already in your new house and there was NOTHING that you needed from the store I could see using the money towards family, but even then I would probably still have a problem with it, especially since they don't appear to need the help.

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  • I would be pissed. He should discuss it with you, espically if you are going to need a new washer and dryer soon.
  • This would definitely bug me.  First of all, joint decisions should be made with all finances whether there are gift cards or actual cash being spent.  Second of all, I'm just not from the type of family where we just spend money on each other like that unless there is a true need, so I don't understand the reasoning.  Third, was the water heater made of gold?  $550?  Seriously, I have rental houses and have bought two large hot water heaters in the past couple years and both were under $250.  All of this said, this is SO something my DH would do so I feel your pain!  Tell him where you're coming from, and remind him that your family comes FIRST (you, him, and the baby that is).
  • I would not be cool with that at all!  Your married, in my state everything is 50/50, even DH's retirement.  So, what's his is yours. 

    This should have been something he asked you before doing.  I wouldn't have let him do it in the first place to be honest with you.  But, I would tell him now that he's out of line.

  • yeah that wouldn't fly with me. ?my dh knows we're a team and anything we do (whether it be gift giving or anything else) is discussed between the both of us. ?i think that's the issue - i think you'd be fine if he discussed this with you beforehand and you both agreed but you need these gift cards for your home and he went behind your back to give them away to people who haven't been very supportive in the past. ?i'd let him know your concerns. ?make sure he knows this has nothing to do with his family personally but more to do with your relationship. ?good luck!
  • It would definately bug me but, I also think your DH is an extremely generous man.  You should be proud of him and I assume you are and thats why you didn't bring it up right away.  The second give away would bug me though too, especially if they don't really need the help. 

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