DH vent...

Mrs.Teddy

I am so frusturated right now! DH & I spent the day shopping & went to dinner, then on the way home his friends called his cell to see if he wanted to go out, he said yes & set up a time to meet them. He didn't ask if I was OK with this or if I wanted us to do anything, not that he needs permission but its our first night off together in a week & I go back to work tomorrow. When he got off the phone I asked where he was going & he said to soem bars downtown, I was a boit b!itchy & asked when he thought he woudl outgrow bar hopping  liek a teenager does. We got in a big fight & of course i ended up in tears. Before we got married in May he went out a lot (2-3 times a week) and promised he was "gettign it out of his system" as once we lived together & were married he wouldn't do this. Since he has slowed down a bit to like 1-2 times a week. When we discussed havign a baby he said once I was PG he would not go out so much and now he  makes an effort to limit it to once a week, I still feel like going ot the bar & spending like 80 bucks once a week is a lot. He says once the baby comes he won't go as much but I'm not sure I believe him & I don't think he will just stop cold turkey I think he shouldn't be going once a week now. I have no problem with his friends comign here or him going there for cards or drinkis I am just really uncomfortable with the bar scene. I am also uncomfortable with his friends, they are all single or have on again off again girlfriends, none of htem are very mature or committed. His one friend who get married he says is a loser cause he never goes out anymore, I said umm no maybe he;s being a grown up. Anyways he didn't end up going, now he's sitting here playign video games & giving me the silent treatment and I feel guilty, maybe its just my hormones? Am I being a super B!tch?

zoieglow

It sounds kind of like you're jealous or worried about him cheating (I just say that because I don't see why else you would mention his friends relationship status or character- do you think they will encourage him to cheat?). The window for him being able to do stuff like this is closing. He already cut back so I'd say let him get it out of his system. It doesn't matter what his friends do as long as you trust him.

My DH and I don't really tell each other 'no' when the other wants to do something and I know that isn't necessarily the norm so I am coming from a very liberal relationship. That may not be the tone of yours though so if your expectations are different, talk to him and work something out.

Suparstarz714

I also think going to a bar once a week and spending $80 is a lot...

If it makes you feel any better, my DH has been going out with his friends once a week (for like the whole night) and this is new since I got PG.  The worst part for me was that he was asking me for money so he can go out. 

You aren't being a super ***, your DH needs to reprioritize.  Ya it's okay to go out with friends, but the bar scene is not the place for a married man to hang out, like it's okay to go like once a month... Ya kow what I'm saying?

kayla_lynn

I'm not going to say you were a super b*tch, but hormones might have been kicking in a lil bit   He needs his time off to, although I think he should have asked if you were ok with it, considering that you were right there and you had the day off together. Have some trust in your DH, he's not going out to the bar to hit on chicks, just to hang out with friends. He doesn't want to be seen as the "loser" thats married and doesnt go out anymore.

That being said, I dont know about where you're from, but around here there isn't a whole lot to do unless you do go out and about. And going to someones house and playing cards just doesnt have the same appeal as going to a bar has.

rebus82

The problem is that your husband's friends have no commitments. They answer to no one, either emotionally or financially. Do I think your husband should stop going out all the time? No, but $80 a week is ridiculous when you have a baby on the way. Once a month I could *maybe* understand, as long as they could hang out other times in ways that don't require a lot of money or going to bars. It's not like you've asked him to drop these guys, just the weekly bar crawls. Totally understandable, IMO.?

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a long talk about how this is going to work once the baby arrives. Figure out together how often he can go to bars (or where ever) or how much money he can spend when out. You obviously don't believe he's going to hold to his word (and I suspect you two differ on what "not as often" means) and that is not going to make life any easier later.?

?

Edit: I want to add after reading an above post. There are a lot of reasons to not like your husband hanging out with single guys at bars that don't necessarily mean trust issues. Single guys are more prone to throw money around wastefully, stay out all night, get shiitfaced, and generally do stupid crap that married men have no business doing.?

RubyRed1085

IMO you are TOTALLY justified! $80 a day at the bar is ridiculous!! That's an entire month of diapers/wipes!! There is no reason he should be going out that much. I had this problem with my EX husband, he was the only married guy with a bunch of single friends and thought he could still live the single life... well guess what... your DH is NOT single anymore and has responsibilities now and he needs to realize this! Sorry you have to deal with this, but I assure you, it's not the hormones.

Mrs.Teddy

No its not the cheating thing, we've been together 10 yrs if he wante dto cheat he would have doen it by now, I trust him. His friends just don't "get" that his responsibilities have changed now, they call him to go out several nights a week, they give him a hard time if he is working, none of them have full time jobs either. We don't ask eachother permission either, I jsut felt like we were together & assumed we would have the eveing together as well, I thought it would have been considerate for him to just check if it would be OK if he went out instead. Its more the money, we are trying to cut back & also I just don't get the bar thing. We have really scummy bars in our city with thing contests & hto bosy contest, where girls make out with eachother I just dont' understand why men in their late 20's are into seeing teenagers act like this. I just think going to the bar once a week if a lot.

rebus82

We have really scummy bars in our city with thing contests & hto bosy contest, where girls make out with each other

Hell, if that's the case, I wouldn't want my husband at the bar once a YEAR let alone once a week.?

mommabarker09

OMG are we with the same man?! LOL I'm seriously sooo tired of this argument, I don't say a word anymore. The only way he gets it is if I just ignore him once he gets home.

babykawada

You should be his number one concern. He should just man up and do what makes you comfortable. He needs to grow up. But if he is the cheating type, might as well do it now then when your baby gets older and understands and gets a lifetime of issues ..

HeyyRed

I love that DH will go out with friends, however most if not all of his, are married. DH is 8 years older than I am so he's 44. He'd gotten this stuff out of his system long before I met him.

We're pregnant and like it or lump it the men aren't. It's not real for them until there is a baby here and in your arms. It's just the way it is.

However, I think that the expenditures are a little steep. I know that if DH goes out after hockey for a few drinks and some wings, it's going to cost him $20. $80 means he's buying many rounds for people. MANY.

I think how I would handle it is to say, if you want to go out then fine but can we come to a few agreements. Home before X time and let's work out a family budget including entertainment. I think that if you were to say, hey I would love to have X purse (that costs a lot) but I don't just go out and buy it because I want it... ?etc. I think that will help to put the budget fairness into perspective.

Try if you can to leave the weepies out of it. Unfortunately, for some men, they are the equivalent to saying BUT in a sentence in that they negate everything of value that you said. Speak logically and with cause and effect. Men seem to appreciate that more. I also find, that if you talk about your feelings and how you feel when X happens instead of accusing him or talking about how he should or shouldn't be acting you weaken your arguments. No one can argue with you about how you feel about something. You own that. He can try and change it but he can't argue with the fact that that's how you feel. If he tries to belittle it, kick him in the shins for me.?

Kendall13

Boys need their friend time, too.  If his friends aren't married yet or in serious relatioships, then he isn't in a position where they are ready to double date or go to dinners that would include you, too.  His friends are still in party mode, which means that in order for your DH to keep his friends he'll need to meet them on their terms some times.

I don't tell my DH "no", but he always asks first and puts our date nights first.  I would be annoyed if he just assumed that he could ditch me on Saturday night without checking first.

Also, I don't care if he hangs out with his buddies (most are married, but they still pretend they can party like they did in college... it's been 13 years), but if he drives drunk, comes home and pukes, or is a complete waste of space the next day and expects me to take pity on him... then he has a different thing coming.

DH got really wasted in the 1st tri and complained the next day about how sick he was.  I just told him, "Welcome to my life."