Baby Showers

Should I Throw Her A Shower? (long)

My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years, trying for a baby the whole time, and just this past Sunday found out that we are finally pregnant after 3 rounds of Clomid and a long time of stressing about it and one miscarriage. My best friend Mary married my husband's cousin this past fall, and found out that on their first month trying, are already pregnant and due in October. (We'll be due the very end of October or mid-November). So, I've know that Mary is pregnant for nearly a month now, and I am still having difficulty determining whether or not I should offer to throw her a baby shower. Why I'm against it: Money is tight. Really tight. How can I afford to have 10-20 people over for a party where I'd need to supply food and drinks? Previous to knowing our own news: I was jealous that it wasn't me. Not so much a factor anymore. Now that she's family, isn't it rude for me to throw it, since family throwing a shower is like asking for gifts? Except I still consider her friend before family, so this argument in my mind isn't very strong. My husband hates having parties, and he would have to help set up for it, given my own condition. What if I have a miscarriage between now and then? Wouldn't that make it that much harder to throw a baby shower for her? Why I'm for it: She's my friend; my best friend. Selfish reasoning - so she will throw me one. I love throwing parties. And given the time of year, it would likely be over the summer, so we could have it outside and not be so crammed into our tiny house. I could keep the foods really simple, just beverages and cookies or something... What are your thoughts on this? I've thought about asking my husband's aunt (Mary's mother-in-law) for help in throwing it - asking her to chipping in money and things, but I tried that with Mary's sister-in-law's baby shower and got completely tossed out of the process. She loves planning parties too, and takes me out of the picture. Not what I want. Plus, she really is family. No arguments about it. But Mary doesn't really have any other friends in this area, where all the rest of our family lives, so it's not like there is someone else to share the expenses with... Any advice or suggestions are welcome! Thanks!

Re: Should I Throw Her A Shower? (long)

  • My suggestion: wait a while on this stuff. It's REALLY early to get all worked up over it. When 20w starts rolling around, you'll know more about your financial situation and how you feel about throwing a party. Plus you'd likely not host it until she was 25+ weeks, so you'll still have plenty of time to put things together. Worry about taking care of yourself and baby right now and party plan later.
  • Do you know her mother/aunts/sisters/grandmother?  I would contact one of them, explain your predicament, and ask for someone to co-host with you.  I would do anything in my power to give my best friend a beautiful shower.  All you really need to provide is punch and cookies or cake.  If you make them yourself, you should be able to do it for pretty cheap.
  • I agree with PP.  I would wait and see if anyone else is planning her a shower.  I might wait until she is 25 weeks to ask her if she knows about any showers.  If no one is doing one, then maybe talk with some of your H's family to see if they would be interested in co-hosting
  • I know her family, but the issue is that her family lives two hours away, close to where she lives.  All of our family (ie her husband and my husband's family) lives near us (most actually in the same city), so she will most likely end up with two showers.  She did for her wedding.
  • Seeing as how your only true motivation for throwing her a shower is purely selfish, I would not offer, and I would actually suggest to take it a step further and stop pretending like you are this poor girl's friend.
  • Let her family handle it. 2 hours is not far for either side to travel. Besides, you have your own growning baby to worry about. I don't think that anyone will be critical of you for not offering to host the shower.
  • Fellow IF'er here.

    First - ignore the woman who was harsh to you.  She's never walked in the shoes and she doesn't "get it."

    Second  - it's early.  You've had a previous loss.

    Don't make this decision now.

    Focus on and cherish every moment of your pregnancy.  Put a note in your calendar to revisit this subject again in another month or 2.

    There's a lot to process mentally in the beginning of an IF pregnancy.  Even more so when you're finally pregnant again after a loss.  I think you'll find that you're able to separate your stuff from hers much easier once you're clear of your first trimester and feeling more confident about this baby.

    And.... if you're anything but overjoyed about hosting a shower for her at that point - don't do it.  And - don't feel guilty about it.

    You will have another chance later on in life to host a shower for someone when you're in a better place and will truly be able to put your heart into it.  For now no one should blame you for focusing on your own pregnancy - especially considering the road to achieving it.  It's finally your turn to cherish your little one growing inside of you.  Take care of you and that baby first.

    GL to you!

    ((((HUGS))))

    Shell

    PS - I don't think I've seen you on the "SAIF" (success after infertility) board but I haven't been on much lately.

    Try posting this same question over there for some responses from women who may have a better understanding of where you are emotionally with this pregnancy.  I think you'll find a lot of responses similar to mine.

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
  • image howleyshell:

    Fellow IF'er here.

    First - ignore the woman who was harsh to you.  She's never walked in the shoes and she doesn't "get it."

    Is this for me?  LOL.  I think I "get" IF more that you or the OP. 

    What I don't get is an attitude that it is ok to be bitter and jealous towards someoene you would call a best friend when they experience good fortune.  But I do agree with you that if someone's heart isn't in it, then they shouldn't offer to throw a party.  And it is not ok to give someone a party if the only reason behind it is they might return the favor.  It would hurt my feellings very much if I knew my "best" friend thought about me like that.

  • Wait and see how you feel in a few more months, maybe one of her friends or her mother or sister who whom ever will ask to throw her one. Just focus on being happy and healthy. Congrats btw on your pregnacy! :)
    image


    Breastfeeding, Cloth Diapering, Baby Wearing, Co-Sleeping, SAHM...Like a boss.
  • image MrsEABarton:
    I know her family, but the issue is that her family lives two hours away, close to where she lives.  All of our family (ie her husband and my husband's family) lives near us (most actually in the same city), so she will most likely end up with two showers.  She did for her wedding.

    I agree with everyone else that you should wait to worry about this, however I do have a suggestion for when/if you do decide to start planning in a few months.  You didn't really mention if this is the situation, but is her DH's mom/sister, etc. in your area?  You could ask them to co-host.  That way, since you think she will get two showers, this one will be hosted by "her DH's family" and the other one that is 2 hours away will be hosted by "her family."

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