Babies on the Brain

I want, he doesn't

My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last month.  I am (and have been for 2 years) ready to start a family.  He does not.  I can't find anyone else in a similar situation or any dads who didn't want kids, but were really glad they did.

Does anyone out there have any advice for me?  Anyone have a good story about a dad who didn't want kids, but is really thrilled that they ended up having them?? 

Re: I want, he doesn't

  • Did ya'll not have the discussion about kids before getting married?  Does your husband ever want kids?  If my DH did not want kids, we more than likely would not be together.  I think this is something you need to talk to him about.
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  • I'm sorry you're having this dilemma.

    All I can say is you have to be patient. I think you'd be making a big mistake to start before you're both ready. Be patient and talk this through with your husband - not us. But, that is just my opinion.

    gl

  • And to think, I almost forgot what day it was.?

    Poke holes in the condoms and take tic-tacs instead of BC pills. That should work. Forcing a guy into something he doesn't want is a certain way to get him to change him mind.?

  • ::waits patiently for the "poke holes in the condom" comment::

     

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  • Make sure you are on the same page. You don't want to get KU if he does not want kids. Communication is key.
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  • image oh-zysbaby:

    ::waits patiently for the "poke holes in the condom" comment::

    ?

    You didn't have to wait too long. LOL!

  • Oh, we've talked and talked and talked.  He goes back and forth about wanting to and not wanting to.  We definitely talked before we got married, too, and that was one of the times he wanted to have kids.  Mostly, I think he's scared...about money, about not being a good dad, about losing himself.  I think if he heard about guys who didn't always want to have kids, for the same reasons he's worried about it, it'd be easier for him.
  • I should've started by mentioning a couple of things:

     a. he has said he'll do it because I want kids; I do not feel that this is a good enough reason to start

    b. I would NEVER get pregnant without having him on board...I guess that's the same as "a" but I think that it bears repeating.

  • image dreleigh:

    My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last month.  I am (and have been for 2 years) ready to start a family.  He does not.  I can't find anyone else in a similar situation or any dads who didn't want kids, but were really glad they did.

    Does anyone out there have any advice for me?  Anyone have a good story about a dad who didn't want kids, but is really thrilled that they ended up having them?? 

    I don't think trying to convince him with anecdotes of strangers is a good strategy. Maybe ask him specifically why he doesn't, without being confrontational.

  • Did he tell you that he didn't want kids before getting married?  If so, you can't expect him to change his mind.  Did you even talk about it before getting married?  That's a huge issue with couples that needs to be ironed out before tying the knot.  Now, if he changed his mind since getting married, that's another story.  While he has the right to change his mind, you have the right to be upset about it.  The last thing you want is to have a child with someone who doesn't want to. 
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  • image dreleigh:
    Oh, we've talked and talked and talked.  He goes back and forth about wanting to and not wanting to.  We definitely talked before we got married, too, and that was one of the times he wanted to have kids.  Mostly, I think he's scared...about money, about not being a good dad, about losing himself.  I think if he heard about guys who didn't always want to have kids, for the same reasons he's worried about it, it'd be easier for him.

    With this information, it sounds like he is open to having children, but he has the same fears that a lot of people have.  Give him time.  Talk about it.  Try to calm his fears.  But he has to be the one to come around on his own.

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    "You're gonna miss this You're gonna want this back You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..."
  • the closer we get to TTC, the more my husband is becoming like this... once the reality of "ok, here we go!!" set in, he's started to back off.. and ya know, i will wait. i think it would be awful to bring a child into a situation where one of us wasnt totally on board.. i wouldnt want the stress it would bring on my marriage or on myself personally.. trust me, i understand your frustration completely.. one thing i have learned is to just let the topic go for a while, not keep bringing it up and letting it stress my husband.. we discussed it before we got married, we both want children, the time just isnt right RIGHT NOW.
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  • So you are basically asking us if it is ok to trap your husband with a baby?

  • One of the first things I asked DH about himself was whether or not he wanted kids.  And we met at 17!  This would be a dealbreaker for me.  Sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart and decide how to move forward.

    I have one story that is bad.  My coworkers sister's DH did not want kids but gave in to his wife.  He now resents his wife and the baby.  Not good at all.

  • Wow, no, not at all.  I am not asking if it's okay to trap my husband with a baby.  Mostly I'm just looking for people who have been or are going through the same thing as me...a husband who sometimes wants a baby, sometimes doesn't. I'm wondering how they got past it or if they didn't get past it.

    He knows I'd never trap him, he knows I'll wait until he's ready.  

    Maybe I just didn't explain myself well because a lot of people on here seem to think I've never talked to my husband about this and/or that I'd stoop to "trapping" him into something he doesn't want.

  • Well thats good.  I wanted to start trying before my husband but we both knew we wanted to have a large family (4 kids.)  It was the actual start date we disagreed on. 

    Honestly, if my DH decided he didn't want children, ever...I would be outta there.

  • I really feel for you. ?My DH and I went through the same thing. ?He threw up so many road blocks I felt like I had to duck every time the topic came up. ?He had the same worries that all guys do at some point in this journey; money, would he be a good dad, etc. ?He told me on several occasions he didn't know if he'd ever be ready...including the day I went to my preconception visit! ?Nice timing huh? ?DH was just scared and he has come around. ?We have been in counseling for a couple of years now and we discuss it there and at home. ?We are trying now and even though he's scared, he's finally come around. ?Just be patient with your DH and keep the lines of communication open. ?You can't force him so all you can do is help him to feel more comfortable about the idea and he'll get there. ?I'll be praying for you and I truly hope he comes around soon. ?If you ever need to talk feel free to email me katiemac79@gmail.com :)
  • I think what you want to hear is - yes, he will come around and love it.

    But I think that if you are even asking this question, then perhaps you already know that the answer is.  Maybe there are just pressures in your life right now that are making him think twice or hold back?

  • i think you should talk more with him to find out exactly what his concerns are. ?then, maybe you can make a plan to work through those concerns. ?(like, maybe saving X amount of money, doing X around the house first, taking that big trip, etc.) ?explain to ?him what makes you feel that you are ready. ?talking through some things may be enough, but if not, maybe you can agree to drop it for 6 months and then rediscuss.

    ?

    good luck!?

  • You guys haven't been married that long, give it some more time. Like you said, he has gone back and forth about wanting a child. Having a baby is a life changing event and if he needs time to prepare for being a dad, then give it to him. Like butterfly91 said, maybe there are some things that you both might want to accomplish before you have a baby. GL!
  • I'm a bit late on this but thought I'd jump in because we were the reverse in this situation.  I was always all about kids, but when we really got down to starting I freaked out and wanted to put it off.  I couldn't put my finger on why exactly until one day when I came home from work (and he'd had the whole day off) and found he hadn't done anything - this made me realize that I felt that we didn't equally share the load around here and, because of this, he wouldn't be helpful with a baby and it would all fall to me.  We had a LONG discussion on this and re-allocated some of the chores and things got much better.  I am totally on board now and can't wait to see him be a dad.  I agree with pp - talk to him and see if there are fears that are getting to him and, if so, see if there is anything you can do to help ease them.  GL!
  • I hope that you both are able to compromise and figure out what's best for the both of you!
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  • My husband is like this.  We talked it over, picked a start date, I did everything on my end (charted, took prenatals, started eating healthier, etc.) and was all ready to go.  Literally it came down to the night we were going to try for the first time and he couldn't do it.  He said he wanted to wait until we're in a house.  Which would make sense, except he has another reason for not buying a house right now and then another reason for not doing that reason and so on and so on.

    But, I've learned that you just have to be patient.  Someday will be the day, it's just not now.  I want him on board 110% (well, ok, at least 90% because I doubt we'll ever get over 100!) and will wait (somewhat) patiently for that day.  As long as your still young, still healthy, etc. it can wait. 

    Get the baby bug taken care of by babysitting for a friend or volunteering at a pre-school.

  • image kate5779:
    I really feel for you.  My DH and I went through the same thing.  He threw up so many road blocks I felt like I had to duck every time the topic came up.  He had the same worries that all guys do at some point in this journey; money, would he be a good dad, etc.  He told me on several occasions he didn't know if he'd ever be ready...including the day I went to my preconception visit!  Nice timing huh?  DH was just scared and he has come around.  We have been in counseling for a couple of years now and we discuss it there and at home.  We are trying now and even though he's scared, he's finally come around.  Just be patient with your DH and keep the lines of communication open.  You can't force him so all you can do is help him to feel more comfortable about the idea and he'll get there.  I'll be praying for you and I truly hope he comes around soon.  If you ever need to talk feel free to email me katiemac79@gmail.com :)

    My DH is like this too.. I can relate to both of you but he has really come around. and Kate- you seem like such a nice person, great advice. 

  • You know, I came on here looking for an answer and found something better...people who are in the same boat as me.  Thanks to those who feel my pain (and who didn't think I simply lack communication skills).  I had no idea how much better I'd feel just knowing that I'm not alone. :)
  • Thank you so much!  Your post even made the hubby feel better. :-)
  • Glad to help! :) Good luck my dear!
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