3rd Trimester

Am I overreacting?

And it's really ok to tell me if I am.  My mom is throwing me a shower this weekend (my first) and I am soooo excited.  DH's sisters and mom were invited, but none of them are coming for reasons that are just stupid. I'm upset that they're not coming, but whatever. I'll get over it. But what really makes it worse is this - they've all said that they're not planning to send gifts, either.  Now, the way I was raised is that if you are invited somewhere (showers, etc) and can't go, you send a gift in your place - especially if it's family.  DH asked his family if they were planning on sending gifts and they said "no, why would we? we aren't coming!"  I was actually pretty hurt by this!  Not only for me, but for DH.  That's his family and our son is their grandson/nephew!!!  Am I overreacting? Should I not be upset about this?
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Re: Am I overreacting?

  • I would be upset. I am going through a similar situation though so I know exactly how you feel. My Inlaws haven't even asked where we are registered.
  • I wouldn't be upset by this. Not everyone was raised like you to send along gifts if they couldn't come. Doesn't mean they aren't going to give anything for the abby and it doesn't mean they don't care...

     

    I actually think it was kind of rude for your DH to ask if they were sending gifts...

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  • I would be upset. 

    I was raised the same way, you can't make it you send a gift either way.

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  • image nbkb4life:
    I would be upset. I am going through a similar situation though so I know exactly how you feel. My Inlaws haven't even asked where we are registered.

    Ditto that.

    I can totally understand why you're upset. I mean its just good ol fashion manners to send a gift in your place and if family cant do that, its pretty hurtful. But a lot of people are like that. If they dont go they wont send gifts...I really dont get the reason, its probably selfish but its still hurtful.

  • I think people will tell you that you are being greedy, "expecting" a gift.

    But I think in my heart of hearts, I'd be hurt too.

  • Maybe they are planning on bringing gifts after the baby is born or next time they see you? IDK

    I mean I know a shower is a gift-giving event and me, personally, would never not send a gift if I couldn't make it but at the same time I don't expect every single person that shows or doesn't show to bring a gift because they were invited. I figure if you bring a gift, great!! If not, oh well.

    Still, I could see your frustration because this is family and they should be a bit more supportive, if not for you, for their own son/brother.

  • I would be pretty pissed...especially about the gradmother of your baby.  I think it's only common courtesy to send a gift.  I would think that they would also WANT to since they ARE family!
  • image SpringPeeper:

    I actually think it was kind of rude for your DH to ask if they were sending gifts...

    He didn't flat out ask them if they were bringing gifts, it came up in conversation.  His mom asked if I was getting excited about the shower, and he said yes. Then he said that we were both excited to already have gotten some gifts from people who weren't able to make it.  That's how it came up. 

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  • From what I know, if you are not attending a shower you don't have to send a gift -- if you choose to do so, it's very kind/generous, etc., but as you aren't attending you aren't obligated.

    That being said, they are immediate family -- I can't believe they wouldn't want to get something for the baby!  I can't imagine my sister or SIL not getting something for me, regardless of whether she attended the shower or not (Mom and MIL are throwing the shower as their gift, and bought our furniture).

  • Huh? That's just plain rude. What is the reason they aren't coming?
  • my feelings would def be hurt too!!! Thats tacky and rude.
  • ps-- it's different if its a family friend, neighbor, co-worker, but since it's a direct relative...that makes it extra rude to me!
  • image jenerally:

    I think people will tell you that you are being greedy, "expecting" a gift.

    But I think in my heart of hearts, I'd be hurt too.

    I agree. I mean, I certainly don't expect gifts from people who can't make it. I am so grateful for everything I have gotten and would never be upset with anyone for not sending a gift.  I was just hurt because this is his family, and now my family and it just seems like they don't care that much, that's all. I know not everyone was raised like me, that's why I asked if I was overreacting.... which I know I probably am a bit!  Embarrassed

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  • I would be upset too.  Personally I would never have asked if they were sending a gift.  To me it's just rude, even if they are your parents.  I would suspect that maybe they were planning on giving you a gift when they meet the baby. 
  • Well, etiquette-wise, you are not required to send a gift for a shower if you do not attend.  However, I always do b/c I think it's nice.  But for such close family, I would think that they would want to, so I would be hurt if I were you.  Not in a "but I wanted presents!" sort of way, just hurt that they didn't WANT to send something.
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  • image grettaz:
    Well, etiquette-wise, you are not required to send a gift for a shower if you do not attend.  However, I always do b/c I think it's nice.  But for such close family, I would think that they would want to, so I would be hurt if I were you.  Not in a "but I wanted presents!" sort of way, just hurt that they didn't WANT to send something.

    Exactly.  It's not a greed thing, that I have to have presents - it's more of a "why wouldn't you want to" thing.  Oh well - it is what it is.  I am not going to let it ruin my day, that's for sure!

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  • I think it just sounds uncaring on their part.  I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt, but at the same time, they aren't technically wrong either.  I know that my MIL was torn up about not making it to the shower and wanted to do something nice for us in her place.  I think I would have been kinda shocked if she hadn't, even though you aren't supposed to expect those kind of things from people.
  • I'd be upset.  I was raised the same way.  Any wedding/shower/big event I've had to miss, I've always sent a gift.  And our families who couldn't make the shower did the same thing.
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  • I don't think you are overreacting at all. My feelings would be hurt too.  They're family...
  •   Wow, that's amazing that they aren?t coming. Could they be planning the in-law shower for you as a surprise? I'm sure it's not the gift your worried about, just their lack of interest. Could they be jealous? This just baffles me why they wouldn't show up, or try to show some excitement by getting the new family member a thoughtful gift. My SIL sent me a ton of stuff in the mail when she found out I was pregnant. I don't think she'll send anything for the shower (she doesn't live in my state and won't be able to fly out for a shower), but she always emails me telling me how excited she is to become an aunt.
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