Cutting out my family and unsupportive people

NandJ4Ever

Well Christmas was my final straw. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to talk to or be around my family anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone. Being around them is making me feel way worse because they all keep talking about my pregnant cousin and in the past my pregnant sister. I had to pretend I was sick and miss my family Christmas because my cousin who is pregnant for the second time and knows I have not been able to get pregnant decided to do a gender reveal game at the family Christmas. Maybe she was just excited but it would have been torture to me. Plus she is a major attention seeker and I know she would have been talking about her pregnancy all day. It's already torture to see her pregnant for the 2nd time in the almost 7 years that I have wanted to be pregnant. To rub salt into the wound she and her husband are very immature, irresponsible and criminals. They live in low income housing, get every government benefit you can think of and the husband works under the table for years now and hides his income so they can get even more benefits. They all openly talk about it like it's no big deal. It's fine if your struggling and really need help but they have been committing tax and benefit fraud for years. It's disgusting and this is what they do to be able to afford to have all the kids they want. The husband was off and on drugs over the years, they always drive without car insurance and can't even afford car repairs yet they talk about how they want to have 4-5 kids. They do nothing to try to better their lives. Their whole plan is to raise their family on benefits. I can't stand it. Everyone in our family knows about what they do but than every time they get pregnant everyone seems so excited for them. The one time I got pregnant no one seemed that excited and than when I miscarried no one said a word to me again afterwards. Not one sorry for your loss! They just went silent about it like I had never been pregnant. No one in my family seems to have any empathy for what I'm going through. They tell me stuff like "well kids are so expensive these days." And "Just be thankful for what you do have, some people are homeless." I can't take it anymore. I have to cut off everyone to save my soul. IVF is my last hope and being almost 35 if this doesn't work than I don't think anything will at this point.

rainbowwishes5

I am so sorry you are experiencing this!!!! Some people are so very very selfish and insensitive. It's ridiculous. You should have to put yourself in those situations. Say whatever you have to say to placate them and avoid, avoid, avoid. Avoid until you feel you can handle it all. Best of luck!

tiffanyw1783

@NandJ4Ever I am so sorry for all of this!! Most of my family doesn't know what we are going through. But the ones that do make sure they are very respectful! My 19 yr old cousin just had his second child and I didn't even know his girlfriend was ever pregnant! I found out about the pregnancy/baby when he was like 3 mos old b/c they didn't want to upset me. But I would likely disown my whole family if someone like your cousin had a gender reveal at our family Christmas and no one stood up to her and told her how hurtful that would be to you!! It's bad enough that we hear and see things from outside sources that makes us cry but your own family should be respectful!

NandJ4Ever

The first time my cousin was pregnant I avoided her by not showing up to events she was at and did not go to her baby shower. She ended up confronting me and told me she was offended that I did not go to her baby shower. That's when I told her what I was going through and how I couldn't go because it would be too hard for me. She seemed to understand and than I thought things were ok between us. I guess she totally forgot about what I'm going through because she planned this big gender reveal game at Christmas. My family knows what I'm going through yet they keep talking about my cousins pregnancy around me and to me. I just feel like they are all being so insensitive. I don't even understand how everyone can be so supportive to them when their life is a mess. I really don't know how to pull off cutting people out of my life right now. They will start calling me, giving me guilt trips and might even just show up at my house. They will make me out to be the bad one, say I'm having a bad attitude and being selfish to my cousin. I know how they are. I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist.

NandJ4Ever

It gets to me even more to see unprepared or immature people having kid after kid. Or people who use drugs or are abusive. Its like rubbing salt in the wound to see these kinds of people so easily have children. Then it feels like prepared, mature and loving people are cursed with the struggle to have children. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to turn on the tv or leave the house so I don't have to see or hear about all of these people being pregnant or having children.

AlohaKumu

@NandJ4Ever continuing from the other post--not only was it insensitive for your cousin to do this, but it is absolutely so hard that it seems like the "worst" people have no problem getting pregnant. (My acquaintance who texted me an ultrasound photo has no job, no long-term job prospects, and lives in a glorified dorm room that regularly has the utilities shut off.) I know the feeling of wanting to just shut off all media and hide in the house. My heart goes out to you, knowing that this may cause a family rift due to people not understanding how painful this situation is and pressuring you.

In your post, you mentioned the possibility of seeing a therapist. Finding a good therapist can be amazing. DH and I have a couples session set up for the beginning of January. (DH was actually the one who set it up, which makes me love him even more.) I've seen the therapist as an individual before and I know he's great, so I think the session will help both of us to process what we've been facing and talk through how we've been feeling. Whether you go for an individual session or a joint session with your man, seeing a therapist can be a wonderful experience.

MariaBend25

Wow I am so sorry. At first I was like welllll family is important, don't cut ties, they probably don't understand. But after reading it all It sounds like you are definitely justified in cutting ties. I would ask though if anyone is worth keeping around? I mean, the cousin sounds like someone you would rightly cut out just for the life of crime. But if your mom, dad, grandma etc are good enough people that you love maybe you can have a conversation with them about your IF struggle and the disappointment and loneliness you felt when you got no support after a loss? Maybe they don't know any better or wrongly think silence and not talking about it is better for you. Perhaps not, but there may be one or two people who are worth keeping around?

funkykey

Ugh, @NandJ4Ever- sounds like you had a terrible holiday!

To me, it sounds like you're dealing with more than just IF - you're also dealing with family issues. I'm sorry for your IF struggles, but I'm also sorry about the family communication stuff. When I read your post, I wondered if maybe your family is just extra uncomfortable talking about difficult subjects, like infertility, loss, and crime when committed by a family member. Even so, it wouldn't make your situation any easier. Your post reminded me of the Emporer's New Clothes- sounds like you might be the little boy in this.

Babies are really cute and fun, and a blessing, it's true. But the expectation is that you raise them to be compassionate adults with principles and strong morals. As such, as a parent, you want to model that behaviour. I also find it really frustrating when immature or unprepared people have kids so easily- people who don't seem to take parenting seriously, or who have failed in every other area of their life and then act redeemed by pregnancy- a basic function of their biology. Super, super annoying.

For me, it helps to take a long view on this. While you hope that an irresponsible couple pulls it together and cleans up for the sake of a baby, often they don't. Maybe they're pleased about a baby now, but what happens 4 or 5 years from now? What does that child's life look like? When I think about that, I'm not jealous at all, just sad. Not only does that make me less frustrated, it also helps me be more patient and generous with people. The best revenge is living well!

All that being said, if living well doesn't help and you are still frustrated with your cousin, you could consider reporting them to the IRS. It's kind of your civic duty.

NandJ4Ever

Thank you all so much for responding. I just feel like I need to Vent right now when it feels so bad. I am really looking into therapists because ever since my cousin got pregnant it's been destroying me. My husband says my constantly being upset it starting to stress him out. It didn't effect me this bad when my sister got pregnant because they are good people and responsible. Plus she really deserved it after having to go through two losses and than turning to ds. But my cousin and her husband, uh they should not be having kids right now but than so easily get it and they are major attention seekers and like to talk non stop about themselves and have all of these parties for their baby. It's just some big game to them. Right after their wedding they were talking to my mom about how they want to have four to five kids. My mom told them that they should focus on moving up on their jobs or going back to school. My cousin responded by saying .... money isn't everything, family is more important.  I didn't even go into everything about how messed up their lives are like the restraining orders they keep trying to get against each other when things are bad, the husband use to be on and off drugs (claims he is clean now) and would wipe out their checking account so they couldn't pay any bills, he stole his son's birthday money one year and got caught and totally ruined the bday party, everytime their car breaks down they can't afford the repairs which are usually more than the car is worth,  so they just go buy another car for like $500 and drive it until it breaks down and than repeat, husband just got a traffic ticket less than a month ago for over one thousand dollars for driving without insurance and reckless driving. They were both dating other people barely a year ago than decided to get back together again... I guess everything was magically better when they got back together and they quickly married and got pregnant again. Since than they have been posting non stop about how much in love they are, how excited they are to be growing their family. It's just really getting to me that my family seems so happy for them. It's like did you not notice that they can't even afford car insurance! Now I won't condemn anyone for an accidental pregnancy because stuff happens, but I know this new pregnancy was planned because they said so. Just blows my mind that someone can not afford car insurance than thinks it's a good idea to get pregnant.

NandJ4Ever

I do not want to cut ties with my family forever. I'm being really careful not to say anything that might damage any relationships. I haven't yet said anything about feeling upset about this pregnancy of my cousins. The first time she was pregnant I told people I felt upset and my grandma told her! And that's when she confronted me after I didn't go to her baby shower and said she was offended. Than we cleared it up and things were fine since. My family knows about what I'm going through but I haven't mentioned it in the last year and a half ish because nothing really has happened except us saving money for IVF. So I don't know, maybe they totally forgot about it. I just want to get away from family until I have a successful Ivf I hope. There are good things too about my family but when it comes to this issue they are just making things so much harder on me. My cousin I just have to avoid completely because even if I asked her not to talk about her pregnancy I would still be able to see it. My only support right now is my sister who went through some struggles herself and is pretty much the only other one who is not supportive of my cousin having another child at this time. But she lives in another state so I only see her once a year and won't have her as back up at family events. I guess Christmas was just my final straw and the plan now is to avoid family events and talking to people as much as possible by making excuses and looking into therapy.

oh yeah and I have thought about reporting them to their low income housing program, the child care subsidy and food subsidy from the state and the IRS but I am worried they will find out it was me and than there will be major family drama and also I don't know the name of the man he has been working for that pays him cash so it could be hard to prove. I know it's a civil duty but I also feel a bit mean to report family just because they are family.

funkykey

Ugh, NandJ4Ever, I was mostly joking about reporting them - it's a super-cutthroat thing to do. I just thought by suggesting it, it might make you feel like you have more power in all of this, like you don't need to just sit back and pretend you think their lifestyle is okay so you don't get into a fight with those nutbars.

The situation, as you've explained it, sounds worse than I thought. I'm sorry, that's so tough. It also sounds like you're a pretty nice, gentle person, and that you've been really silent about how much their lifestyle bothers you for many years. It sounds like talking to a therapist might be good - they can be really great when helping make sense of difficult family issues. 

When I've had difficult times with my family, it helps for me to focus on my own life and my own goals - like, what do I want out of my life with my own husband? What my cousin and her partner choose to do is their own business, and has no bearing on my life. It helps for me to remember that, as tough as it can be!

Cutting people out can be really tough, but it can also be totally cathartic. We have some cousins who have made lifestyle choices we strongly disagree with - they don't believe in vaccinating - and we have stopped seeing or socializing with them. My DH has sent them a couple of emails to clear his conscience - he couldn't sit back and pretend he thought it was okay to do that to their children - but other than that, we make no effort to see them or remember them at Christmas or anything. Sometimes, we'll run into them at family functions, and then we're polite, but distant.

For me, it feels better to live an honest life - we are civil (of course!), but don't need to treat people we actively dislike with the same warmth and respect as we treat those we love.

NandJ4Ever

Thank you for the reply. I'm feeling somewhat better today. It was just really hard during the Christmas weekend and days following. Having to miss Christmas than hear everyone talk about what gender her baby is and how happy they are for her. I had a good 2 hour cry last night and I feel more under control today.

funkykey - I was just thinking today the exact thing you mention about trying to focus on my life and my goals. I was thinking today I need to find something exciting to keep my mind off things with my cousin and maybe IVF too. I used to have a competitive/exhibition hobbie that I would do at least one weekend a month but I've had to stop that because it requires travel, hotel, and entry fees that can be $500-$800 for one weekend and when your saving for IVF that's a lot of money to spend on a weekend trip. So I'm trying to come up with something else to do other than read about IVF all day.

yeah my cousin's situation is pretty bad. They are mid 20s but act like 18. I thought about reporting them at times when I felt bitter but ultimately I felt crappy about doing that. They are actually frauding about $30,000 a year and a total of about $150,000 over 5 years. This is what they told me. They don't pay taxes on it or claim it when applying for federal benefits. The husband mentioned one time time that he doesn't agree with paying taxes because he thinks our government wastes a lot of tax money. Yet apparently they like to get benefits funded by taxes. Go figure. They also told me they were actually questioned by the IRS about where all the cash they were depositing came from. Than they said they responded to the IRS and lied and said it was money from family who wanted to help them and than the IRS never questioned them again. Everything I say about them is what they have said to me or in front of me. Like I said they have big mouths and are major attention Seekers. When they do have money they blow it instead of fixing their cars or getting a good car. At thanksgiving they were talking about the thousands of dollars in electronics they bought during Black Friday week sale than shortly later they were talking about what kind of food they get at the food bank and with WIC. I don't get how they claim they can't afford food but then can afford big screen tvs and other electronics. But I could go on and on about them and all the messed up things they do.

today I was actually thinking about how it's only a matter of time before things get bad for them again and how at least when things happen for me things will be good and I won't have all of the problems they have. Your right, I need to try to focus more on my life. Avoiding certain people right now will just help me do that. It's kind of hard to stop thinking about my cousin when my family keeps talking about it. I want to not do anything to cause damage to any relationships, just distance myself for the time being.

Very good advice and most of all thank you for simply listening 

Bluecoconuts

Infertility is a condition (I am very close to calling it a disease b/c thats what it feels like); where some people dont know how to be supportive. So I've learned to find a few people to confide in - and thats it. A best friend, a co-worker, etc. Anyone who understands what the struggle is like or can be a positive voice along the road.  

I'm close with my aunt and uncle and when I told them I was having issues, they kept asking why do I want a baby if I havnt had one "all these years". In their own way they wanted to be helpful, but in my view they were accusatory and out of line with their "helpful suggestions". I havnt spoken to them about this ever since. In fact, no one in my family knows about my childless struggle. Its sad when I'd rather talk to strangers about this than my own family, but thats fine, its better this way actually. One of my dearest co-workers is hysterically funny, and kind, and trustworthy (keeps her mouth shut!). I would rather share my struggles with her over dinner drinks and have my mood lifted, than anyone else. 

As for your family, I suggest you start to limit how much you interact with anyone who doesn't bring you joy. Any situation that makes you upset or bitter on any level should be limited or prevented altogether. Focus most of your energies on the positive outcome you're wishing for.

Best wishes with your IVF journey... 

  



 

mamma1614

I agree with @Bluecoconuts definitely helps to limit the amount of people knowing about what your going through and avoid those who like to rub it in. The only 2 people that know that we are doing IVF is my mom and an old coworker that still sometimes does business with my DH over the phone. She is the only one we know who spoke openly about her experience and had a good one, so it is very nice to chat with her about things since she knows how we are feeling AND she doesn't share any mutual friends with us so she can't tell anybody else we know even if she wanted to. My mom always passed me this saying that her mother told her as well- "don't tell your secret to your best friend because your best friend will pass it to their best friend" and its so true. 
It was really reassuring to hear her story and positive outcome. At the end of the day, nobody really gets it unless they are going through it or have been there themselves.