Please Help

lvcpatt84

I don't know if this is the right place to put this, but I have to put it somewhere so it stops reverberating in my head and torturing me.

Please be kind.

I currently 6.5 weeks pregnant. It came as a shock. We got pregnant on the first cycle after getting the "all-clear" from my OB to start trying again after my miscarriage. I wasn't ready to get pregnant again immediately. I miscalculated my ovulation, and my husband apparently has some strong swimmers.

I don't feel connected to this pregnancy at all. In fact all I feel is dread and resentment. I'm exhausted and nauseous and I cry all the time. I forgot how hard and exhausting pregnancy is (I have a 2yo dd), and I don't know if I was want to do it again. (Termination btw is not an option) So I'm going to have this baby, and I don't feel overjoyed about it. At all. And I feel so goddamn guilty, because I could never imagine having  felt this way towards my daughter when I was pregnant with her. I love her more than life itself.

This is my child. What is wrong with me that all I feel is dread amd regret? My DH is so happy and excited. I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, because it sounds so cruel and inhuman. All I want to do is drink a vat of wine so I can drown our these thoughts and actually get some fucking sleep. (I don't act on this desire. I haven't touched alcohol since getting my BFP. I'm not an idiot)

Please someone tell me some small fraction of this is some fraction of normal. Maybe when I see him/her and hear the heartbeat at my ultrasound 12/15 I'll start feeling differently, but right now I just feel like a virus has taken over my body and it's a complete nuisance. I really just want to be happy about this pregnancy.

a2003tiger

So many hugs. I totally think these are normal feelings, especially after a prior loss. Your brain is trying to protect your heart. Don't get attached, just in case something goes wrong. So natural. Don't force it. Just try to get through the next few weeks/months. I would bet money on the fact that you'll eventually connect to this baby and feel differently. 

HGRich

This is absolutely normal. I got pregnant much sooner after my miscarriage than I wanted, and even though I'm grateful, it's terrifying, exhausting, and just no fun at all. I didn't feel connected for weeks. I didn't get excited until about a month ago. Even now I'm so cautious I hardly feel I can be excited. But from also hanging out on this forum for awhile, I can tell you you're not alone in that at all. I'm pulling for you and this little bean. I agree with PP--just get through the next few months on "survival mode" and you'll eventually feel connection. Even if it's not until after he or she is in your arms. 

You've been through a lot. Please be kind to yourself and don't add to your own guilt. Just spend some time doing something fun to distract yourself and let the days tick by on their own. It does feel lonely. Men cannot understand it to the same extend women who have been there can. You're not alone though. Hang in there. 

Bok Bagok

I agree with both PP, totally normal to feel this way. Try not to push yourself to feel any other way than how you do, just let it all happen naturally, otherwise your just putting extra unnecessary stress and guilt on yourself. 
When I was pregnant with my daughter(she'll be 3 in Feb), I was lucky enough to experience the joy and innocence of a normal pregnancy. Second pregnancy was the same way, until the 8 week US showed no heartbeat. Third pregnancy, was totally different. I felt very detached, that one also ended up being a MMC at 12 weeks. I was totally devastated by that first loss, the second loss while still very upsetting wasn't as bad and I think a lot of it was because I was trying to protect my heart.
Im now almost 23 weeks with my 4th pregnancy and only just very recently have felt any bit of happiness towards it all. 
When I got pregnant this last time, my husband and I were about to stop trying, so I was really getting use to (and liking) the idea of only having my daughter. It took me a really long time to feel OK about it. Plus as you know, it's super hard to be pregnant and take care of a toddler. Having no energy to be the mom I was/wanted to be with my daughter made me feel even more negative towards the pregnancy. So there was all that guilt also. 
Its not easy, but you'll get there eventually. Just try not to push it (feeling happy) just accept that this is how you feel right now and it's totally normal, OK and nothing to feel guilty about. 
Everyone here understands these feelings. 

lvcpatt84

Thank you all so much for your support. I hate feeling like this, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. You all are wonderful ❤

MWoodside

I haven't personslly felt this way, but friends have and it's within the realm of normal for sure! Give yourself time. You will get excited about it. Don't worry.

kns1988

Hey @lvcpatt84, it's been a couple weeks, so I hope you're feeling better. I just wanted to chime in that it's possible to develop anxiety and depression during pregnancy - very similar to postpartum depression. If it persists, you should talk to your doctor about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

lvcpatt84

@kns1988 Thanks for checking in. While I still physically feel pretty rough (on meds for nausea and vomiting), I'm feeling better emotionally. I started seeing a therapist to talk some things through with, and that's helped a lot. And my mom is my rock, she is so understanding and supportive and non judgemental. I also had my first doctors appt and ultrasound, so I've got pictures of my peanut which knocks some sense into my running-away-with-my-hormones brain. I've eased from dread and regret into a bit of terror at the thought of a newborn and a toddler, but I've talked to other moms about the terror, and they agree it's normal too.

All in all, I'm doing alright. Reading my OP makes me realize how far on the emotional spectrum I've moved in the last few weeks. Thank you everyone for your support. You ladies are wonderful.