Searching for closure

nolegirl

I never post to forums, but I feel compelled today to share my story in the hopes that I can find support from others who have been in my same situation. I have a DS who just turned 2. I am 9w4d and found out yesterday at my first u/s that the baby passed about a week ago.  My doctor is strongly recommending a D&C, and I am scheduled for one tomorrow. But I just feel like it is all happening so fast, and I haven't even had time to process it yet. All I can think about is how strange it is that there is a person inside me who is no longer alive and how weird and creepy that feels. I'm sad, but mostly I just feel shock and disappointment. I honestly don't think it has "hit me" yet. Those of you who have had D&Cs for mmc, do you feel a sense of closure afterward? I'm just wondering what to expect emotionally these next few weeks/months. 

Hopefulmommy1980

I also felt weird know that my baby no longer had a heartbeat but my body didn't realize it.  I felt shocked, extremely sad, betrayed and scared. I decided to take the rest of the week of to give myself time to heal (more emotional than physical).  Physically my D&c was not to bad. I cried a lot, for me work was a nice distraction. It was worse when I had time to think.  Every person copes differently. After a while I began to feel more like myself. I still feel sad every once in a while. Just be sure to give yourself time to heal

nolegirl

Thanks for responding.  I am feeling very similarly. I think I was so focused on the d&c and worried about being put under anesthesia that I didn't allow myself to start the grieving process until the day after. These past few days have not been good ones. I can't take any more days off, so I'm here at work not being able to concentrate and keeping my door shut to hide my crying. Sometimes I get distracted and forgot the whole thing ever happened. It's the down time that really gets to me.

erinflippinking

I am right there with you. This was my first pregnancy and I miscarried 3 weeks ago today. I took off and worked some from home the first week; going back to work has been difficult, I still sneak off to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. My emotions are a total crap shoot, I'll feel okay one minute, then sad, then angry, then numb. You just never know what it's going to be like and you never know what is going to trigger an emotional reaction. I can't say that it has gotten better with each day (some days are worse than others), but in general, it has been getting better. It sucks, you're not alone though.

Hopefulmommy1980

hug to both of you

justsuzie

I didn't really process anything until about 2 weeks after we found out and went through all the methotrexate shots to resolve my ectopic.  I was so overwhelmed that it didn't sink in.  Now, about 8 weeks later I finally feel ready to begin to think about ttc again.  No time soon, but I can picture it in the future.  Good luck to you.

nolegirl

Thank you all for your responses. Knowing that there are others out there who are having similar experiences is not the same as actually engaging with them. I appreciate your support. Good luck to all of you.

mrs. phork

it's been three weeks sense my chemical pregnancy, I can not bring myself to tell anyone except my hubby and you ladies.

julieannburkhart

On Nov. 1, I went to my 12 week appointment and there was no heart beat and baby stopped growing at 10 weeks...a missed miscarriage.
 
Nov. 2, I got a D&C because my OB said it would be pretty painful to do it naturally because the baby was sizable and baby could also become toxic to my body since it was in there for awhile.

I felt much like you and was disturbed and shocked that I had been carrying a dead baby for 2 weeks and my body didn't realize it. I still feel betrayed by my body and wonder how it couldn't respond. I felt like my body tricked me and made me think I was pregnant. I wanted to get the baby out quickly so I could start the healing process. I also want to start TTC again. I'm not exactly sure when that will be because I am still healing physically and definitely have a lot to work through emotionally.

I have started to see a counselor to help me find peace with the situation because I am utterly confused, shocked, sad, and not at peace win the situation at all. My counselor has been helpful in that I have a place to vent and say anything I want and not feel judged. I also didn't tell many people I was pregnant yet so I have not been able to talk to too many people about it. Also, I feel that talking to friends about this isn't always the easiest especially since some of them haven't been through it.

For me, I think getting pregnant again and getting past the 1st trimester will help me heal even more. I am going to be patient with myself and heal first, but I yearn to be pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Thankfully, I have a 2 year old son and he has been keeping me very busy. I thank God I have him because I am not sure if I could be coping and maybe just be lying in bed all day moping.

I keep reminding myself I am blessed with a beautiful son. I will always wonder what this baby would have been like, but I am hoping and yearning for one more baby to complete our family. I hope the next pregnancy is successful with a healthy happy baby.