Mom / Mother in Law Drama - Who comes to stay first?

lynxbaby

Forgive me - this is a long one. I want to preface this with the fact that my Mom is a recovered/recovering? alcoholic who still smokes a lot of marijuana (for her arthritis...apparently) however this has made her behaviour akin to when she was drinking (A substance is a substance in my eyes) She also has...zero emotional intelligence. This makes her extremely emotional, and combative at the best of times. It is very difficult to kindly ask them to follow our rules in our house (like no walking with dirty shoes on our white carpet for example) without her blowing into a full rage. Even the most benign subjects upset her and there's no reasoning. There is a lot of emotional drama and strife on that whole side of the family. It makes me nervous considering what my emotions will be right after our first baby. It's already a very vulnerable time, and I know that I won't be getting the support I need from her - but I want to be respectful because I know she does love me and I do want her to have her time here with the baby when she arrives. My mother in law and I have a wonderful relationship - my husbands side provides me with a lot of the stability I did not have while growing up and I feel very loved, safe and protected. I try to never make my own mother feel like she is second - although there's always competition. I tell my mom I love both sets of parents. My in laws are very proactive Type -A people, sometimes to a fault. Their intentions are only good. However, my MIL booked her flight here (on points because there was a sale) for two days after my due date to come stay for a week. Then told me about it. I felt blessed that she would offer to come fly and do that but I didn't know what to say, considering we live outside of the city and only have room for one guest at a time. I have always heard that the mother of the mother of the baby should come first - etiquette wise. Now, I could go overdue and not even have the baby by the time my mother in law leaves (exactly why I didn't want anyone to make travel plans ahead of time). In which case this would be a non -issue. I talked to my mom today and told her what happened and that no matter what we'd figure things out, and she can come as soon as the baby is born- but I'm sorry there was nothing I could do about the flight and my MIL. To which she angrily responded that she didn't expect anything else and that there was something I could do - have her cancel the flight. I tried to deflect and say this will be a happy, exciting time and I'd be excited to have both of you here - if it works out that way - and that I would appreciate all the help I could get etc. and that still didn't satisfy her. I finally ended with the fact that this should be a happy occasion and that if she could set aside her opinions and just be there for me and be happy for me that would be the best situation - because I cannot have any more anxiety (I am 39 weeks today). I feel very caught in the middle and am always a "fixer". I want everyone to feel loved and happy and taken care of - but right now I feel very hurt that there is always drama and competition. I'm not sure what to do about this situation. 

I suppose I also have a lot of trepidation about my mom coming considering her anger issues / emotions and the fact that I will be supremely vulnerable right after the baby. What would you do? Let it play out and have my mom come afterwards and deal with the stress then? I feel so caught in the middle. 

jolenes27

I wouldnt have both at the same time considering your moms emotional ups and downs. You will have a new baby and I feel like it would be very stressful for you to have both there. 

I would just try to explain to her that there was nothing you can do about the flight bought, and that she can come right after your mil leaves, and she might even end up spending more time with the baby. 

I dont think its the right time to be stressing about other peoples feeling, you should keep calm and focus on yourself. Do what’s right and just let it be.