Am I in the wrong ?????

flashley-2

My partner has two kids. We have them 50% of the time. The kids and I have a super relationship. I do a lot for and with the kids. If I leave the house at least one of them is with me. All of our accounts, mortgage, vehicles are all together so IMO we support the children together in every aspect of their lives. I treat them as my own and we are a blended family ! Family being keyword !!
Last night was the 7 year olds Birthday. Their Mom had them for half the day and we had them the other half. We decided to go to the exhibition for the rodeo and barrel racing. It was our time with them to do something fun. Their Mother shows up at exhibition with one of her friends and sits with my partners parents, sister, and the kids. My partner was not okay with that. Neither was his family but what do you say when the kids are sitting right there ? That left us out. We didn't feel comfortable with sitting with everyone with her being there and the kids wanted to see their grandparents. My partner is not happy and is going to say something because as far as we are concerned that was very bold.
Then my partner told me a few weeks ago I had posted a picture of my stepdaughter while we were making cookies and tagged his Mom in the picture as well. His ex wife contacted him and told him she wanted me to remove the picture from my Facebook as she wasn't comfortable with that. My partner told her that I am the children's stepmother and I am allowed to post whatever I want. He figures she is jealous because we have a great relationship. If my ex had a girlfriend and she was great with my son, supported him, loved him, I would never have a bad thing to say nor would I complain over something SO silly ! We would NEVER say anything about their Mother to the children but I am at the point where I feel the need to say something to her in my own defence. I have heard the kids say things that makes me think she tries to discourage them from having a relationship with me.
Thoughts ?

EverythingsBetterOutside

That's great that you have a super relationship with the kids and are able to be a supportive, loving presence in their lives. This can be hurtful and threatening to BM, though. Just as you probably didn't grow up hoping to be a second wife raising someone else's kids, she didn't wish for her kids to spend half their childhood away from her with a stranger, who they may even call "mom"-her rightful title! (From BM's point of view, of course)

My advice with Mama drama of all sorts: stay out of it if possible, don't engage the drama, and live and learn. Don't say anything to defend yourself, that opens you up for an argument and more drama. She addressed BD with the Facebook issue, leave it between her and BD. Your conversations with her can be pleasant and limited to things like the weather. If parenting issues come up, leave it with "that's a good idea to talk to BD about, I'm sure he'll let me know what you two decide". You are not the kids' bio parent. BD and BM are in charge there, though in private BD's decisions can be influenced by you. Acknowledging that she and BD are the parents, not you, makes you less threatening and can feel more respectful to her. You and BD discuss your family in private, and he gets to take things up with BM as needed.

So, the rodeo situation: at the rodeo, go along with the pleasant surprise. SS gets to spend his birthday with both BM and BD! Awesome for him! Watch his reactions and BD can talk to him later about how he felt about that- was it cool or does he wish he had separate birthdays (don't be surprised if he's happy- many kids of divorce LOVE when their parents are able to come together for special occasions, and it bodes well and reduces anxiety around future events, like graduation, weddings, and grandbabies). Later, you and BD can talk about how to avoid party crashers when you do want private time. How did she find out about it? You? BD? Facebook? SS? Plug the leak if you don't want her there. Some things may have to be a surprise for SS so it didn't get back to BM. Don't rely just on talking to her about it, just don't give her an opportunity to barge in.

The Facebook issue: I get it, some people don't want their kids' pictures on the internet, and parents have the right to lock that down as much as possible. Add in divorce, though, and unless it's in the court order, that's a parenting decision each parent is entitled to figure out on his/her own. Again, this is between BD and BM. If they can have a civil discussion about it and come to an agreement on online pictures of the kids, great. You give BD your two cents before their discussion, BD lets you know what they decided and you follow it. If BD's OK with the pictures and it's not violating an agreement, lock down your privacy settings. Now you know not to tag BM. You can also set it so only some people can see it. If you're friends with BM, you can set it so only BM cannot see it. I'm not friends with BM, so I set mine to "friends only" then go into custom and make sure it's set so "friends of those tagged" can NOT see it (otherwise BM could see any post my husband is tagged in).

None of what you've done or thought is wrong, but this blended family thing comes with lots of monkey wrenches thrown in by a third party. Flexibility is extremely beneficial, as is preparing for what BM may come up with. Remember that you cannot control BM, you likely won't understand or agree with her on many things, but you can control your reactions to her. And at the center of it all are 2 kids who love this woman and your partner, who are torn apart like their family, and who mourn the loss of their natural family. So give them lots of love and try to look at BM as the mother kids you love more than the ex or the frustrating nemesis she can make herself into.

crsanchez87

Super thoughtful response. As a child of divorce I wish my parents/stepmother couldve acted this way. She is absolutely on target about future events. Planning my graduations, wedding, baby shower etc were sooo stressful trying to find a happy medium between parental figures who were obviously uncomfortable being in the same room together. 

taytay92675

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything directly to BM in your defense. It will just open up a whole new can of worms (I speak from experience).  Sounds like your husband gave BM a great response, so I'd let it be.

My DH's family still welcomes his BMs (there are two) to family functions.  The first time I met BM1 was at my stepson's birthday party and it was her, her family and some of her friends.  I was super uncomfortable, but I sucked it up and put on a smile for my stepson (at the time I was just a girlfriend).  That was almost 8 years ago and now I am usually the one asking if we should invite BM to a family function.  I'll also add that my DH is the most laid back easy going guy, so it makes it easier with no conflict.  But we have had our ups and downs with both BMs over the last 8 years.

KonaCoffeeBean

It sounds like she is trying to be a pill, or doesn't know how to co-parent. Nevertheless, I really believe it's not okay to post a picture of a child on the internet unless both parents are okay with it.