New Here - Stillborn at 26 weeks (long...)

blessdtxas

Hi, I'm Amanda. I lost my sweet, precious son last Monday at 26 weeks. We are heartbroken to say the least. This is truly the darkest, hardest thing I've ever dealt with. The grief is just so heavy. I have moments when I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. 

I am so grateful to have a healthy 20 month old boy. That pregnancy was text book and I never thought I would experience anything otherwise. How naive of me....

Everything about this pregnancy was different. In February, I cried when my husband and I "oopsed" because I wasn't ready for another baby. When I thought I had my period a few weeks later, I really didn't. It was an early sign that something wasn't quite right.

When we went in for our 8 week sono, baby was measuring 12 weeks already. We got bad news the NT scan was abnormal (4.4 mm) so we had a Qnatal test. The NP tried to reassure us that this was nothing to worry about and that everything would be ok. The 2 week wait for the results was awful. My eyes were open to so many conditions, abnormalities, etc. that I previously had no idea about. Thankfully, the screening came back negative for the major abnormalities it tests for. It also confirmed we would be having another boy!

I was still worried that something wasn't quite right. That the test was wrong or that there was something more rare going on. I just didn't feel at ease...maybe mother's intuition. We waited until our next appointment to announce. I wanted to hear his heartbeat again before making it public. At 16 weeks, we heard that sweet sound

From a high to another low, we found out at the 20 week a/s that our sweet baby had defects of his heart and brain. I was scheduled to see a NP, thinking things would be normal and no need to see my regular ob. I knew something was wrong when she said she was getting the on call OB to talk to me. To say she was frank is to put it lightly. She told me to prepare for the worst, as these could be serious complications. Heart. Broken.

After waiting a long weekend (4th of July) I was able to get in to see a mfm. He was so great and hopeful. He referred me to a cardiologist and for a fetal mri to look at the brain the same and next day. The cardiologist confirmed a heart abnormality, but assured us that it was repairable and a fairly common issue that they fixed on a regular basis. What relief! We also learned that his brain condition had a wide range of outcomes and that he could be highly functional with a normal IQ.  

We began to learn about his conditions and treatments and prepared. I had weekly scans with my mfm and each week we prayed for no news. And each week we got to see our sweet son on the screen, wiggling around with a strong heartbeat. Two Fridays ago, we went to tour the hospital where he would be born. The specialists were great and were humbled to have such a caring team around us. They said they anticipated a screaming 39 week baby boy to come in November and they would be ready to treat him in whatever way needed. T

hat was the last day I felt him move. I went Saturday night to the hospital where they confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I was so shocked and just broken. How did this happen?! Hadn't we been through enough? Of all the things to prepare for, I never allowed myself to think that he wouldn't make it. I had always assumed he would be here and we would get whatever care we needed for him to thrive.

My husband and I went home to be with our 20 month old son for the day, pack our bags and prepare to give birth to our son who wouldn't come home with us. I was induced Sunday night and gave birth to my sweet angel, Dean Everette, weighing 1lb 12 oz and measuring 12 3/4 inches long at 1:42 PM on August 8th.

Part of me is grateful that he will never have to experience pain or surgery or being alone in a nicu, but I miss him so very much. My arms are aching and my heart is heavy. I just want my baby. God is gracious and I know Dean is in Heaven now and I am glad for that. I just miss him so much. I am 9 days closer to meeting him again. 

I have so many questions...What happened? Why? Will we ever know for certain? Will this happen again? When can we have another baby? How long must I wait? 

Sorry for the long post, just had to get that all out. xx sorry that any of us are in this crappy club. hugs  

TScalei

@blessdtxas - Im so sorry you are going though this. Be kind to yourself. I hope you can find some comfort here. Everyone on this board and the ttcal one has gone through at least one loss so know you are not alone.

JDW0325

So so sorry for your unbelievablely heartbreaking loss. 
We are here for you 

knirish1

I'm so sorry for your loss. In 2012, my daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks. Giving birth to a child you know won't come home with you is the hardest thing I have ever done, and something that no one tells you might be a possibility. I felt so alone. Please know that you aren't alone. Stillbirth is actually fairly common (1 in 160 pregnancies) even though no one talks about it, and no one tells you it might happen. Be gentle with yourself and take the time to do whatever it is you need to do. No two people grieve the same. It will be hard, but you will get through this. 

JAGinMI

Goodness, I am so heartbroken for you. There are no words for what you have experienced. Please take care of yourself and know that when you need a place to listen and grieve with you, this is that place. Xoxo

danielle913-2

I am so very sorry for your loss of sweet Dean. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family during this difficult time.

szwill86

Amanda, I'm so deepy sorry for your loss. Hopefully these ladies on the boards will bring you some solace during this difficult time. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. 

Mack2342

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have no words but my thoughts and prayers are with you.   I too hate that we are all here but so glad to have people to talk with that understand what we are going through 

Hopefulmommy1980

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Sugargirl1019

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry for the loss of your by boy, Dean. Lots of tears ahead despite those you've already cried, but I wanted to share a song that was shared with me that broke my heart and bared all the raw emotions of my soul. It was good to think about and to induce a major bawling session.
https://youtu.be/jQJX4QWO74I
It is a lullaby he wrote for his miscarriaged babies. So beautiful. Prayers for your heart to feel comforted soon. And for your husband as well.

PabloAndChristine

@blessdtxas I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We lost our little girl around the same age just 2 months ago. Our stories are a little different, but I resonate with a lot of what you shared. Please know that us ladies here and in the Late Term/Child Loss board are here for you if you need support, encouragement, or a safe place to let it out with women who have gone through similar things. I am encouraged you hear your confidence, even during these hardest days, in knowing you will meet your baby boy in heaven soon and for eternity. So true! Also, I do fully believe that unsettling feeling that something isn't right was God prepared my heart and yours as well- a God given mothers intuition. I hope it help you find peace quickly. Reach out anytime, and know that whatever crazy mixed up emotions you're feeling right now it's probably normal! 

EmilyP524

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Dean. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions with everything you went through in your pregnancy as well. 

I lost my son in June around 18 weeks. It was totally unexpected. I also went through labor and delivery and I never knew I would have the strength to do that. 

Sending big hugs!

fiorip

I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. I completely understand your frustration and your questions, all of which I asked myself after my losses. I loss a baby very early on, my boy at 22 weeks and my other angel boy at 17 weeks. First miscarriage happened naturally, I just started bleeding two days after finding out I was pregnant, by the time I got myself to a hospital I had already loss the baby and no cause could be determined. My next pregnancy I went into premature labor and it couldn't be stopped, I delivered a beautiful completely healthy little boy who just couldn't survive. My latest loss I was eating dinner in bed and just felt a gush of water, my membrane broke at 16.4 weeks, I was admitted and treated conservative with antibiotics to prevent infection and just waited out to see if maybe there was a chance but three days in, I delivered my boy, his heart was beating right before he came out. After that I was referred to a MFM and was tested for everything, both of my boys were went through pathology and they were both perfect, all of my test came back normal, every single one of them; with my last pregnancy, given my history I was constantly monitored via US, my cervix was measured every 2 weeks to determine if I needed a cerclage and everything was fine. I don't mean to scare you with my experience but to maybe provide some answers. Will you ever know what happened and why? Maybe not, I didn't. Will it happen again? You can't predict that. Does it suck? Yes, absolutely, while there are women out there choosing to terminate a pregnancy (not judging, just stating a fact) others like me would give ANYTHING to have a baby; is it fair? Hell no, life is not easy or fair but you know what? You get up and you deal with whatever comes your way and you stay strong because you just have to keep on living. You will forever remember this and you will be heartbroken but a day will come when you'll be able to live through the pain, I can promise you it will be easier. Be kind to yourself. 

MamaBish

I am so, so very sorry for your loss. A stillbirth is one of the hardest things there is for someone to go through. So many hugs to you

AL_TwinCities

I am so sorry for your loss. I am heartbroken for you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the care and attention you deserve. Grief is a heavy burden - you don't have to go through it alone. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Tennis11785

I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself during this tough time. 

momma mb

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It has been quite the emotional last few months! Try to take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve.